Am I insensitive?

[dementeddaughter]

Sorry this is not the most interesting or life or death problem ever but if anyone is out there to advise on another scrape with my mother I would be very grateful.

I am 50 years old and feel like such an idiot, my mother makes me feel so guilty!

Yesterday I went shopping for her and put Sunday lunch in her fridge. She then looked after DD who stayed overnight while we went out. Today DH and I came back in order to pick up DD and cook lunch. When we got there she said she wasn't feeling very well (fever nausea, she often doesn't feel well, she's 80)- I told her we would make dinner and she should rest. I also offered for us all to leave so she could rest if she wanted but she said no fine, stay. (I could see she was also looking very grumpy - she gets very tired and grumpy sometimes).

DH started cooking lunch. After a while my mum came into the kitchen and started complaining to the effect that too much noise was being made (cupboard doors banging and pots on surfaces) and this would disturb the neighbour whose bedroom is adjacent to my mum's kitchen. Said neighbour is very poorly and has kidney dialysis and spends a lot of time in bed. DH did try to make less noise but tbh it's not easy as the kitchen is noisy, the doors bang shut etc and DH can be quite clumsy. My mum kept comimg back into the kitchen and mumbling to herself really to the effect that 'I have to live here and get on with the neighours not you' etc. I asked if the neighbours had complained before which my mum ignored saying she was ill too what about her etc etc. EventuallY having had enough I took over the cooking to stop the aggro and found it very hard also not to make any noise.

At this stage my mum came back in the kitchen and said she didn't want any dinner in a very aggrieved way and went off to her bedroom. She has had these moods before and they always end in really painful conversations for me and so tbh I decided to ignore it. I carried on with lunch and when it was ready put a plate for her in the oven to keep warm. We ate lunch and as I was washing up she came out of her bedroom, still not speaking. We finished washing up and got ready to leave. I told my mum her lunch was in the oven and she said she didn't want it. As i left we had the following conversation;

Me: Thanks for looking after DD mum. If you need anything give me a ring.
Mum: I won't bother you again
Me: You won't bother me again?
Mum:It doesn't matter, carry on, I won't say anything, I don't want to start an argument
Me: What? If there's anything wrong why don't you say what it is.
Mum: Are you happy now DH?
Me:What?
Mum: You're so insensitive, I'm really ill. It doesn't matter, carry on. We left

Sorry this must sound like the world's longest and most boring play but if anyone has got this far please tell me what I did wrong. DH thinks my mum is a loon. The last time she got all worked up about something I just ignored her for a couple of weeks till she rang me but she is 80 years old, possible ill and may be snowed in soon.

She'd looked after your dd overnight, was feeling unwell and didn't want you all making a song and dance over a meal. I know you asked her if she wanted you to go, but that's quite a hard thing to say to someone. I think she wanted you to either stay for a little while and keep her company or to go, but not to hang around cooking.

However, she's expecting a bit much thinking that you'd know all this especially as you did ask.

You have done nothing wrong. My mother can be like this, after many years of worrying I have learnt to just ignore and carry on as I choose to and just ignore the moods.

It is horrid tho'

Sounds like she doesn't like your DH.

Also - perhaps looking after your DD is a bit much for her.

She is upset about something but refusing to tell you. Let it go. Carry on as if it hadn't happened. Life is too short.

You have done absoulutely nothing wrong. My mum is 83yrs and whilst she has always had 'moodies', she has got far worse since turning 80.
As difficult as it is, try not to take it to heart. I know when mine is poorly (has very bad joint pain) she is extra snappy and this could have been the case with your mum. Mine is also almost always unpleasant to my dp,its got so noticeable now that I don't usually take him with me.

It wouldn't have mattered what you or your dp did, if she was in a mood nothing would have been right. Give her a few days and if she is anything like my mum she will act as if nothing happened.

ChloeHandbag, she had put the chicken in the oven by the time we arrived (I had brought over some chicken breasts for her to have if she decided she didn't want us to stay).

Harlot it's hard to ignore cos she will be 'off' with me for weeks now.

Thx for reading evryone and for replies. Those with mothers like mine -what would you do if she is distant and cold to you in the next few weeks, she usually visits us every Sunday?

Sounds exactly like my Gran is with my Mum. My Gran constantly moans about things at my Mum and never appreciates all things my Mum does for her.

My Mum just ignores most of the time. It is hard but it is the only way my Mum can cope.

Example of my Grans behaviour. If my Mum comes to visit me for the weekend my Gran will be ill. Every single time my Mum is away. Basically becasue my Mum won't be visiting her that weekend.

Ok it's looking like an old age thing, the only thing is he visits us every sunday all day.

I'm dreading the next visit, it will be all martyred silences and tight lips and refusal to talk about anything.

How has he got the power to make me feel so bad? I feel so pathetic

Ask her if she prefer to miss the next visit if she feels upset with you for something you have no clue about.

My nana once did something I had asked her not to and for a few weeks our phone calls were a but stilted. After we were fine again she told me that if the next one had been awkward she would have said to stop calling her. I was bloody annoyed as she was definitely in the wrong. You need to find out what she is annoyed about.

Yes good idea about asking if she wants to miss next visit Fab.

I don't want to ask her what she is annoyed about, she is a bit paranoid (has had bouts like this for years) e.g. when DH was banging pots and pans she came into kitchen and said 'If you wanted me to cook it why didn't you say?' as if he was banging them on purpose (instead of being clumsy!)

Why didn´t you cook if your husband was annoying your mum?

I did, my post says I took over the cooking

My mum is just like this and she's in her 80's too. Does she have any problems with her memory?

We had what I can now look back on as a hilarious time cooking Christmas dinner. I was meant to be doing it all at hers, but she kept insisting on doing things. The stuffing balls and pigs in blankets went in when the turkey had over an hour to go and when we suggested they might not need to go in so soon, she yelled "well I'm doing it my way". Shortly after that the brussels were put on and I decided to take the path of least resistance and let her!

I seem to spend a lot of time just nodding and going "oh ok". If she gets moody I ignore her and the next time we speak/see each other I carry on as normal.

Demented,
Yes my mother can be off with me too. SOmetimes I still get upset by it but on the whole I just think it is up to her and carry on as normal. I do ask if she is ok and if she is in a mood I will get the martyrish 'nothing'. I have learnt not to rise to it and beg her to tell me what is wrong etc. I can't change her but I can change how I respond (it has taken years )

I do appreciate what a pain it is tho'

Looking at OP again, it sounds as if you should have left.

If she felt nauseous, she wouldn´t want to eat or perhaps even smell cooking.

How old is your daughter?

I think that's the thing though, you end up feeling like in the wrong whatever you do.

She'd told her hairdresser we were all going to her for Christmas Day and I was cooking, but added "but I expect I'll end up doing it all". But then on the day she refused to go and sit down when I encouraged her to just leave me to it.

Yes frosty my mum can't just leave us to it either, she gets annoyed we don't do it like it should be done - in her books

It really does sound as if she didn´t want you there & didn´t know how to just say it?

Do you cook in her house very often?
Has it been a problem before?-if so,perhaps best not to bother & stick to cooking in your own houses!

oh well, i can see your mum's side. she's looked after your dd, felt ill and probably just wanted to go to bed. you did what you thought was right, but you probably should have erred on the conservative side, left the food in the fridge and gone home, then phoned later.

i'm sure she is very quiet around the flat, and other people making a noise can be very disturbing, both for her and her neighbour. she might have felt you weren't making an effort to keep quiet. she was probably more sensitive to it if she was feeling sick.

she handled it badly, but i think you can be a bit more sensitive next time. call her tomorrow and ask her how she's feeling. she did you a big favour by looking after your dd. don't let the bad feeling continue.

diddi, if I'd said we are leaving there is a very good chance that she would be offended by that too! I have rang her in the past and asked if she felt ok and if we could come and visit and she has retorted 'of course you can visit you shouldn't have to ask that we are family' in a very short way. Sometimes i can't win.

We rarely cook in her house, no

She might have been offended.
But she said she felt ill & was tired.

Then her subsequent behaviour seemed to indicate that she didn´t want you there.

I don't think you did anything wrong,she's old, tired, ill, grumpy and she is taking it out on those around her like lots of old people do.

She probably got some idea in her head about you today (for example that having to cook lunch at hers was an imposition and you didn't want to, or whatever) or she wanted you there but wanted you all to be seen and not heard. Who knows? She's old!

The only thing to do is carry on as normal and pass no heed.

Maybe in the week you could send her some flowers to say thank you for babysitting and say that you hope she is feeling better (hint, hint) and that you are looking forward to eeing her on Sunday.

Put her on the back foot in the nicest possible way.

It's good to hear others stories about elderly relatives.

I suppose I'm going to have to develop a thick skin