Am I insensitive?

[dementeddaughter]

Sorry this is not the most interesting or life or death problem ever but if anyone is out there to advise on another scrape with my mother I would be very grateful.

I am 50 years old and feel like such an idiot, my mother makes me feel so guilty!

Yesterday I went shopping for her and put Sunday lunch in her fridge. She then looked after DD who stayed overnight while we went out. Today DH and I came back in order to pick up DD and cook lunch. When we got there she said she wasn't feeling very well (fever nausea, she often doesn't feel well, she's 80)- I told her we would make dinner and she should rest. I also offered for us all to leave so she could rest if she wanted but she said no fine, stay. (I could see she was also looking very grumpy - she gets very tired and grumpy sometimes).

DH started cooking lunch. After a while my mum came into the kitchen and started complaining to the effect that too much noise was being made (cupboard doors banging and pots on surfaces) and this would disturb the neighbour whose bedroom is adjacent to my mum's kitchen. Said neighbour is very poorly and has kidney dialysis and spends a lot of time in bed. DH did try to make less noise but tbh it's not easy as the kitchen is noisy, the doors bang shut etc and DH can be quite clumsy. My mum kept comimg back into the kitchen and mumbling to herself really to the effect that 'I have to live here and get on with the neighours not you' etc. I asked if the neighbours had complained before which my mum ignored saying she was ill too what about her etc etc. EventuallY having had enough I took over the cooking to stop the aggro and found it very hard also not to make any noise.

At this stage my mum came back in the kitchen and said she didn't want any dinner in a very aggrieved way and went off to her bedroom. She has had these moods before and they always end in really painful conversations for me and so tbh I decided to ignore it. I carried on with lunch and when it was ready put a plate for her in the oven to keep warm. We ate lunch and as I was washing up she came out of her bedroom, still not speaking. We finished washing up and got ready to leave. I told my mum her lunch was in the oven and she said she didn't want it. As i left we had the following conversation;

Me: Thanks for looking after DD mum. If you need anything give me a ring.
Mum: I won't bother you again
Me: You won't bother me again?
Mum:It doesn't matter, carry on, I won't say anything, I don't want to start an argument
Me: What? If there's anything wrong why don't you say what it is.
Mum: Are you happy now DH?
Me:What?
Mum: You're so insensitive, I'm really ill. It doesn't matter, carry on. We left

Sorry this must sound like the world's longest and most boring play but if anyone has got this far please tell me what I did wrong. DH thinks my mum is a loon. The last time she got all worked up about something I just ignored her for a couple of weeks till she rang me but she is 80 years old, possible ill and may be snowed in soon.

As mot others have said, you did NOTHING wrong.
You were really sweet and thoughtful.

She sounds exactly like my mum (and she's only in her fifties!) sometimes she takes unmbrage at some imaginary slight - really its all to do with her mood and she needs to find someone else to pin it on so that she doesn't actually have to get over herself!

I would just act as if everything is fine and that you dont notice her being off with you if she continues. Then she either has to stop carrying it on or confront you about what you or dh have supposedly done to upset her.

*most

You did nothing wrong.

My dh's gran is 85 & she's always upsetting people.

I think when they get older they think they can speak how they like to people - I know gran does anyway.

A recent conversation she had with her daughter (my 53 yr old MIL) was all about how she never did anything right.. she told her she was nothing but a pain & that her son (who's been dead for 30 years!) was always her favourite & that he would have had her on Christmas day "If he'd been alive!"

Perhaps your mum thought you & dh didn't want to be there, and that the banging of doors & pans were done deliberately, in a strop because you didn't want to cook?

Oh, who knows what way her mind works...we've long since given up trying to figure out gran.. she called me at 6.30am yesterday morning to remind me to get her bread at the shop...

Well most 80 year olds become noise sensitive and if she's coming down with a fever noise sensitivity gets worse.

If it were my mum, I would be worried as it would be totally out of character.

She's not a bloody toddler who needs teaching a lesson. She's an 80 year old women who is not well.

If my mum was 80 and coming down with a fever, lived on her own and was obviously miserable about something, I'd be making a point of going to see her the next day, no, I'd be going over the same night, just for a wee chat and to leave a wee bowl of soup or something.

Maybe she's feeling old, insecure and lonely and instead of teaching her a lesson, maybe she needs a big cuddle and reassurance.

And paranoid behaviour along with nastiness which is out of character might be a sign of alzheimers.

I'm proud to say I'm keeping up my 'Magnificent Neutrality' with my mum - got a few other issues going on there, but I strongly recommend it as a sanity-saving excercise!

I think a lot of the brain damage comes from trying to please our mums, at the same time wanting to take care of them as they age. Trouble is, they hate being old so there's no way you can successfully do both!

She is an adult with a mind of her own. If she wanted you to leave she should have said so. It's her error, not yours. Stop tring to read her mind & just accept she threw a bit of a strop

I like the flowers & note idea

What is 'Magnificent Neutrality', it sounds like some sort of technique I need if I am to keep my sanity (woke up at 4am feeling angry at her... I know, I know, she's old....)

Well, I meant listening to what she's really saying, and responding with reason instead of playing along with what she says she's saying
It goes a bit like this:

Mum: "I feel awful, I'm going to bed!"
Subtext: DD wore me out, I can't stand any more activity

You: "Oh, , I'll bring you a cuppa"
Subtext: Knackered old lady, be nice

Mum: "No, don't worry about me!"
Subtext: Worry about me!

You: "Go and lie down."
At this point, you should make her a cuppa & be very sweet. My mum makes a big play of hating this, but she's always grateful afterwards.

I don't know about the pots & pans malarkey as it depends on the practicalities of getting everyone fed. But it's possible she did simply want attention. In which case, she would have been satisfied, and maybe not made such a fuss about the cooking.

You: "Thanks for looking after DD mum. If you need anything give me a ring."
Mum: "I won't bother you again"
Subtext: If I need anything?? Of course I need something, I'm poorly! Poor me!!!!!

You: "Oh, are you still feeling rotten? Poor you! Would you like me to pick up some aspirins for you? Shall I pop over later?"
Hopefully, she'll say no to your offers but retire happy, knowing you care about her.

Mum: " Are you happy now DH? "
Subtext: My daughter doesn't care about Poor Me so it must be your fault for Turning Her Against Me, you wicked wicked man!

When she said "You're so insensitive", she meant you weren't sensitive to her subtexts - which is, admittedly, a pain in the arse and I sympathise with your "Why can't you say so?"

But it's a lot easier to do a bit of 'critical listening' (and keep out of the game-playing) than to try & change someone's lifelong habits!

Hope this helps somewhat? Good luck!

Sounds wonderful if you can manage it - I could be in line for sainthood if I did!

I'm polishing your halo for you, DD

My Mum just dropped in (for the first time in a week, hurrah!) - and we had a really nice chat. Oooh, I'm so proud of meself!

Oh, I do sympathise, my Mum is going this way too - as she is getting older (and socialising less) I think she's forgetting how to get on with other people.

FWIW, I read a very interesting article recently about how when women get past child bearing age, they tend to lose their nurturing and caring instincts and therefore become more and more cantankerous.

It is a depressing theory, but does rather account for my own mother's increasingly bizarre values and worldview. It's such a change, as I remember her being quite playful when I was a child.

Bottom line is that you have done nothing wrong here, but do try to cut her some slack - It must be horrible to get old...am quite sure I will be a total PITA when I do...

I'll have you know I'm past childbearing age, am nurturing, caring and cantankerous!