Do you think my DH has Aspie tendencies? If so, what do I do as it were?

[BiscuitStuffer]

From things that have been said on MN, it is now dawning on me that DH may have Aspie tendencies and if this is indeed the case, then you may be able to help me 'manage' things better. Something has to be sorted as I'm not coping too well.

He....
...won't respond to anything I say unless it is in the form of a question. When I ask him to acknowledge that he's actually heard me, he gets annoyed and says he doesn't have to comment if he has nothing to say in response. He will sometimes start talking to one of the DCs before I've finished my 3rd sentence.

...feels no empathy towards his family and their health issues (he says they're being dramatic, which they may be but they still do have real health issues that do warrant some kind of empathy / acknowledgement. He will neevr ask them how they are or even wonder how they are. I had a miscarriage and told him I'd started bleeding and he barely looked up from his computer.

...if a friend is staying (happens rarely), he will be very moody, won't talk to either or us and will be visibly irritated with me.

...he will go to my parents or out with a group and will happily ignore everyone. He'll speak if spoken to but won't make any particular effort to talk or engage with anyone and would think nothing of buying a newspaper to take to a family lunch (we would have a family lunch (my parents) 2-3 times in a year maybe).

... if he's stressed he will get very irritated and argumentative with me and pick on everything I say and do and answer back and generally interact like a teenager with eye rolling / sighing / muttering under his breath etc.

...he can't seem to accept that people have different limits / abilities / likes or dislikes. e.g. i am a low risk person financially. He wants me to do something high risk. I say it's out of my comfort zone and that I'm worried about the consequences and he gets annoyed with me.

...he doesn't know when to stop winding someone up - even when asked to stop he will continue.

...if someone has an opinion on something that upsets him, he won't 'let it go' and take it in the manner in which it was said, he will go on about how offensive that person was being, even after they've apologised. We've lost lots of friends that way

Does this sound familiar to anyone and can anyone suggest how I can communicate with him to improve both our quality of lives?

Sorry this is so long and thank you x

there is another support thread for parnters of aspies it has been active earlier today and is worth a look as there is very good advice and support there.

I don't have much direct experience of Asperger's, but to me it seems that his behaviour is enough within the 'norm' to not actually need some kind of disorder to justify it. It's not good behaviour at all - I could never live with someone like that - but I think people can behave that way simply because they are very self-interested. Does he fit any of the other aspects of Asp's? E.g. does he have one particular thing that is his interest, and which he is obsessed with? Have you noticed that he has these same problems with other people, like his own friends (does he have any?)

Quite often on MN, people say 'My DP has anger management issues' when these men are actually perfectly capable of controlling their temper when they wish, e.g. at work or with people they like or want to impress.

Don't know if that helps.

Hi,
A lot of that does sound familiar to me, I think my DP might be an aspie. One thing I found very helpful was this site and the PDF a little way down the page called 'Asperger?s Syndrome in Marriage'. I cried after reading it, it really hit home.
The site is Aussie which is a shame because their support groups sound amazing.
One thing to bear in mind is, if you DO become convinced your partner has AS, the very nature of the condition means they will not be terribly receptive to hearing about it. So it can be a bit of a struggle to get them to think about the issue, and you have to tread fairly gently. It may also take a long time to sink in/be processed by them.

It helped me just to become more informed about it, what behaviours might be attributed to AS and what was my partner just being a berk - no offense meant to anyone with AS reading this. I have become more tolerant as a result of being better informed, and home life is easier. But the fact is, a lot of people find the behaviours you mentioned above, whether aspie or not, very difficult to be around and once you realize their partner cannot change (if they are AS) but only attempt to modify these behaviours... wel, then it can be a bit crushing.
If you ever want to talk, CAT me.
x

Thank you so much for your replies. I will have a look at the link after posting this. Thank you x.

Brahms - I completely agree - some people are just rude or self-centered and that is how I've been viewing DH. I am also fully aware that he probably doesn't behave this way with or in the company of his boss, which means that he is essentially perfectly capable of 'behaving'!

Since the seed was sown about possible Aspergers, I have realised that I think that I would welcome a label as it means that there's a reason for it other than him being an arse or me making him that way. I'm also desperately hoping that it means that there is a tried and tested recipe for success (yes I know that's hoping for too much!) but definitely some pointers.

Cheerfulvicky - I find the particular things that I've listed make me feel so damn awful about myself and he makes me feel so insignificant and silly as a result, I can't see how I can be happy in this relationship. But I must try. We have 2DC, it's my 2nd marriage and I think that he is a good bloke and I'm sure he wasn't like this when we first met. There were signs of it but it wasn't so prominent as it is now. Even his mum thinks he's getting worse and my friends have noticed that he reacts in an odd way and is very sensitive and moody and difficult.

Does Aspergers worsen with age??

oh and he doesn't have any friends really. He stays in touch very very occasionally with someone from college and he seems to have difficulty making the first moves to make new ones.

It doesn't sound especially Aspie to me and I know a reasonable amount about it.

It just sounds like he is inconsiderate and controlling.

Maybe you should- if you haven't already- look up info on Asperger's?

I'd be looking for lack of empathy, inability to interpret body language, set ways, obsessiveness, inability to be flexible/accept change, hobbies or interests that take up a lot of time and are possibly "geeky".

Course there are plenty of guys who have all of these and are not Aspergers at all!

"I have realised that I think that I would welcome a label as it means that there's a reason for it other than him being an arse or me making him that way."

That did cross my mind, but I didn't want to assume anything about you. I think consistency is important in any diagnosis, and if he's capable of being 'normal' with other people, then I think that throws diagnosis of Asperger's into serious doubt. Having one or two of the symptoms of a disorder doesn't really mean anything. It's important not to try and find excuses for people when they are treating you badly, and it does sound like his behaviour is really affecting you. Tbh I think if he did have Asperger's his behaviour would have remained fairly constant since you met him and before, but I could be wrong.

"Since the seed was sown about possible Aspergers, I have realised that I think that I would welcome a label as it means that there's a reason for it other than him being an arse or me making him that way. I'm also desperately hoping that it means that there is a tried and tested recipe for success"

For me, it was totally the other way round: I was hoping that AS wouldn't be the case, because it would mean there wasn't much I could do. Of course on the plus side, it explains a lot and the person is not necessarily trying to be difficult, they are just struggling with some aspects of the world. On the downside... they can't really change. It's kind of just how they are. Which means accepting it or heading for the door.

Really I'm contradicting myself because honestly, if he wasn't AS he'd be abusive in some of the behaviours (my DP) and I wouldn't believe he was able to change either! Aspies are just aspies. Abusers can change but rarely do: so the odds aren't good in either case. It's really about looking at you, asking yourself questions like 'what can I cope with, what is okay for me and what is not okay?' And if you find that your partners is stepping over the line into unreasonable behaviour, you can challenge it and make it clear it's unacceptable. But if it continues, you pretty much have to head for the door. I think the applies regardless of the reason for their behaviour.

Hope that makes some sense, and that you found the link helpful.

Have a look at this test and see if it helps.
I scored 38 and would probably be diagnosed but I always thought there was something about me................!

Sorry I scored 28, not 38!

Biscuit, hopefully you're now doing some reading around the syndrome. There are a lot of misconceptions about autistic spectrum conditions, some of which have been repeated in your thread. Fwiw, an NT partner can 'educate' their aspie though you can't alter the condition. Yes, it does get 'worse' with age; yes, many aspies can 'act normal' but find it exhausting; stroppy sulking is fairly common!

Yes, I would agree with the above. I think it was on another PDF on the aspia website that I read how, in order to make a relationship with an aspie work, the AS person has to be willing to do their share and try their utmost to understand the impact AS has on the NT partner... blah, I'm not paraphrasing very well... Hang on..

Okay, here's the extract; from the PDF called AS in Relationships - Is there hope? , I hope the author doesn't mind me putting a bit of it on here:

"However, in the same way that any individual on this earth is responsible to gain self- insight and work on character defects that impact on their relationships (if they wish to stay in a relationship!), so also is the person with Asperger?s Syndrome responsible to gain self-insight and work on defects that impact on their relationships. The differences and deficits may be part and parcel of Asperger?s Syndrome, but marriage is about both partners taking responsibility for the well-being of the relationship and each other?s emotional needs.

If a person with Asperger?s Syndrome can?t promise the mutuality, relationship and personal sacrifice that is a reasonable expectation within a marriage, then marriage may not be for them. If they are already married, then the least they can offer their partner is honesty and co-operation to find more mutual terms.

Copyright Carol Grigg October 2008 ASPIA INC
www.aspia.org.au"

The whole article is well worth a read, as is the one above it. I printed them off and found them really helpful.

Biscuit, I hope you're doing alright. I think even if you don't share your thoughts on this with your DH at all, the process of finding out your DH might have AS, learning more about AS and then possibly coming to terms with the fact they are aspie... it all takes time, and there is an element of sorrow and grieving (the loss of the person you thought they were, and the future you imagined with that person) as well as relief. Give yourself time to process all the info that is out there, and don't rush into trying to decide whether he is aspie or is not. Just have a read and have a think and remember that we are all responsible for our own behaviour: a label can aid understanding, but it shouldn't obscure the person underneath. If your DH married you, he made certain promises, and you have reasonable grounds for expecting him to treat you well. AS isn't a get out of jail free card to behave however you want towards your spouse.

Take care

Hi there - thanks. There is absolutely no way he would do the test! I had a stab at it erring on the side of caution for borderline things and it came out at 25.

I do hear what you're saying in that it doesn't really matter why he is like he is and that I can either live with it or I can't. BUT if there's a recognised may of dealing with his behaviour that works or is more diffusing then surely that's worth having a go at? i think that everyone deserves to be happy and sometimes with a certain amount of jostling about, people can coexist far more happily and that would be a success?

The thing with AS is, the understanding of WHY they are behaving in such and such a way can be illuminating for the partner. But any change in behaviour has to come from the person with AS themselves. You shouldn't be changing your behaviour; your attitude, maybe. But HE should be all "Oh right, I am a bit challenging to live with aren't I? Sorry about that, I'll try and make things easier for you love" You're talking about saying that yourself, but you're not the one who is behaving in a challenging way, he is. So the change needs to come from him ultimately, regardless of the reasons for his behaviour.

OR he needs to say, 'You know what, I understand why you need blah blah and blah from me, it's a totally reasonable expectation to have of your husband. But I just can't do that" and then you can say "Okay, fair enough. Thanks for being straight with me. I'll go and be with someone who is able to meet my most reasonable and normal of needs, or else will be alone and be happy"

I know it's not that easy in practice. But this is all a roundabout way of saying that you are about to get jumped on by a lot of MNers for using the word 'diffusing'. You shouldn't be thinking in terms of diffusing. That's taking responsibility for managing his moods and absorbing the strain his actions cause, and he should be doing that not you. Otherwise you end up tiptoeing around, desperately scrabbling to keep from upsetting or angering him, and I don't think anyone would call that an ideal relationship, or even a good one.
x

Vicky, I have to disagree with this: "You shouldn't be changing your behaviour"

One of the commonest frustrations for NT partners of Aspies is the seeming emotional chasm between them. A normal NT reaction to feelings of emotional 'abandonment' (too lazy to think of a better word) is an outpouring of emotion. Whether affectionate or despairing, this outpouring can be literally painful to the Asperger partner.

I'm certainly not alone in having been accused by DP of emotional abuse. I remember him curling up into a ball while I cried about his lack of understanding

A diagnosis, even a one-sided amateur one, can relieve this pressure on BOTH partners. There are several other, massively important, efforts the NT partner can make as well. The thread in this forum is informative.

Yeah, okay, I take your point ItsGrace. I think I was picking up more on the feeling of BS tiptoing round her DH and pandering to his moods.

Let me put it a different way:
No one person should be allowed to set the tone for the relationship. No one person should be allowed to have everything their way, while the other person makes all the effort. In other words, you shouldn't be changing your behaviour unless your DH is making equal changes, and the changes YOU are making come from a place of feeling strong, happy and informed. You shouldn't change your behaviour in an attempt to diffuse, appease or pacify a stroppy DH, no matter how justified they feel in being stroppy. Because that's them setting the tone and you jumping to it, and that's no way to live.

I second looking on the large aspie thread on MN, there is some hugely helpful stuff there.

Thank you so much both of you - you are both absolutely right and Aspie or no Aspie, it certainly isn't right that I dance on eggshells and do all the changing.

Relationships are so hard aren't they?!?!

We both did the test yesterday and I got 12 and he got 17! I think sometimes he just gets 'in a mood' where he just can't/won't be reasonable/kind/assume the best in me etc and it can go on for weeks. I am learning to 'bite back' at every comment he makes rather than to pick my fights because that wasn't working and I was miserable. The periods of horridness are shorter but they still happen very frequently and he is the same way each time. I just need a better way to 'handle' him I guess. I know that sounds awful.

Lots of woman will tell you to get out now, blah blah. I did what you are doing now and it's working a treat. If he's being nasty I tell him and he sulks for a few minutes, and then it's all forgotten. I 'bite back' all the time, even over small things, and he definitely doesn't try and pick on me or niggle at things anymore. He just wants a quiet life and he knows I will coolly tell him he's a tit until the cows come home if he does or says something unkind.
Good luck, Biscuit

I do have one thing that he does that I just can't cope with and don't know how to get him to stop - can you help?

If he's in one of these 'moods'.....sometimes he will ask me something and won't like my answer for whatever reason and will just go on and on and on at me and I ask him to stop because he's upsetting me (or whatever) and he just won't and will then have a go about me not discussing anything / not liking a difference in opinion or something that is actually totally irrelavant to what is actually going on. He gets verbally quite winy and agressive and bullying and talks over the top of me and doesn't actually hear anything I say. I find that I have to physically remove myself from the room which is really awkward if we're out having dinner in a pub or something but leave I do because I just can't for the life of me work out how to shut him up! That in itself is very awkward because other than going home and it being obvious to the babysitter something's up, I'm also crying with rage usually.

Any tips??

I think he's more of a bully than an Aspie! This sort of behaviour is (sadly) fairly common in men with ishoos, as they have this dominance thing going on at the same time as impaired (by female standards) ability to read emotional cues.

I've known wives successfully reverse this behaviour, essentially by using Transactional Analysis (TA) methods.

The first thing to do is to disengage your emotions from the exchange that's actually going on. It sounds hard, but is actually astonishingly easy once you get started

What sort of questions does he dislike your answers to?

That sounds interesting - how do I disengage?

e.g he wants me to take part in something high risk financially. I say it's out of my comfort zone and I'm worried about x,y,z. He hears me say it's out of my comfort zone and therefore nothing you can say will make me do it (even though I make it very clear that's not the case). He gets arsy and stops hearing me. I say that bullying me isn't helping and I'm feeling attacked so please stop and so it goes on....

e.g. he says he wants x,y,z design in the kitchen. I say sounds lovely but in practice it may be a bit awkward because of a,b,c? or what if 1,2,3 happens etc. If he's in 'that mood' he will then immediately say I won't discuss anything and we must of course have everything that I want....

My friends listening to me talk say that I tip toe on egg shells and if anything frustrates them about me it's that I won't ever say what I actually want and that I discuss things too much.

I have spent the past 3 days being very concise and blunt and only speaking with a question and not responding to anything that isn't a question and he's being so much nicer.

Okay, Biscuit

First off, never respond with how you feel about it. Process it within yourself but don't express it. Look at the conversation more as if you were in a meeting than a marital discussion.

With the financial risk & the kitchen type of thing - ie, major decisions - go through the whole procedure of looking into it in more detail, asking for his reasoning in depth. Don't challenge the proposal, but ask questions about "What would happen if ...?", "How should we respond if ...?" etc. Tbh, I find this easy because I used to be in sales, but you'll probably find it's what you do when somebody's trying to sell you overpriced double glazing!! Depending on how old your kids are, you probably also do it when you want to lead them to figure something out for themselves ...
... which is the objective, of course

Your "blunt" strategy is a good one because you're leaving out any emotional content that he would find hard to understand and process.

In cases where you hear a personal remark, whether you're right or not: only respond to the actual words. Unemotionally.
eg:
"You're not wearing that are you?"
"Yes, I am."
"You always get XYZ wrong!"
"Hmm, not always."
etc ...

Am I making any sense?

PS: "I won't ever say what I actually want"
Interesting!
Have you tried simply saying "I want ZYX?"

Thats very helpful - thank you.

Actual examples are very helpful as my brain doesn't often work too well when in the thick of things - I tend to go in to panic and blank mode when I feel got at.

Your big decision examples are interesting - so basically not make my opinion known and just ask leading questions that give me all the info i need? Just to use the kitchen thing as an example - he may suggest having a sink made out of chocolate (just exagerating here!) and if I say 'what would happen if it got hot' - if he's in his mood, his typical response would be 'nothing, it will be fine, why do you have to be so negative about everything. I take it we're not having chocolate then'. As a dismissive statement. 'Discussion closed and I'm the bad guy'. He is always telling me what I'm thinking and what I mean when I say things and he has it totally wrong but won't be told otherwise. It is SO frustrating.

My typical approach to buying something is that I know what i want the product to do and as long as it does that, then I don't care a hoot what make, brand or colour it is. He will insist and maintain that I have the exact item in mind before I try and wheedle him round to buying whatever it is. This is just so not the case and I can tell him until I'm blue in the face that if I wanted a hot pink mclaren or a liberty's wall light, I would say that's what I want, what do you think?

I have tried saying I want x,y or z bluntly and that's generally taken as a 'so it doesn't matter what I want then?'