DH Kicked me!

[yummymummy84]

Right I know most people will say get out now and I used to always say I would if he ever hurt me but hear me out. Long story...
We have always had a fiery relationship but have never been violent with each other before. We have a 3year old DD and he is stressed out at work. I am trying to come off antidepressants which has made my mood low and everything sort of exploded last week. I was sat on floor and kept rowing and rowing and he just kicked me!! I was sat on floor he then told us to go so went to mums. Within an hour he had calmed down and said we should come back and he has been perfect ever since and apologetic.
I just can't stop thinking about what happened and some people think it will happen again. We have been together 7 years and he has never once punched or kicked me before. I love him to bits and he says he loves me. We don't row excessively but have the odd tiff. I wonder if anyone else has been through this?

Hmm. I'm not sure this is the message you want to be giving him, truly...he kicked you and now he has got you trying to get the spark back into your marriage.

Sounds like a reward for him there, and you blaming yourself.

no it isn't different. The only difference is that a child can't leave, and that people are less judgemental of someone who lashes out at a child. . And maybe you can't reason with a younger child but you can certainly walk away, plenty of people do it.

I take your point.

It is possible to walk away temporarily from a small child at least.

Not so easy when they are still doing it 7 hours later and next to a busy road for example!

I seriously hate the concept of hitting a child but I can see how it happens, and have done it myself a long time ago. I have and would never hit an adult, because I feel if it reached that point I would just get as far from them as possible immediately.

No adult is worth staying with past that point.

perhaps, but it could equally argued that no adult is worth staying with at the point where one feels so frustrated that one could easily lash out.

And while most people don't necessarily hit their partners, I bet that more than a few do reach a point where they have felt like doing so.

So you 'wound him up' (at first you said you were trying to make your point) and then he kicked you, but that's OK because you wound him up. So when your dd winds you up it'll be OK for you to kick her? Or will it only be OK if he does it?

Just a thought.

I have had situations where things have got out of hand although he has never beat me up properly, he is normally a flawless dad and husband and spoils me rotten alot of the time. He has just got a vile temper and These things have happend once in every 3 years or so, (been together about 14.) There has been about 4-5 incidences and worse than you have stated but not actually beat me up just held too tight, pushed and verbally threatened.

The last time I warned him it would be the last as I would not tolerate it. That was last year and I meant it. Bit of a difficult one really when you love them and normally they are impeccable partners. If leaving really isn't an option then you need to sit and tell him how this has really affected you and your trust in him, it does knock your confidence in the relationship, however this could just be the start of something more sinister.

Think this is one decision you need to come to on your own, I will say that it is not right and acceptable to behave this way no matter what but I understand the situation you are in. I am very intolerant when it comes to cheating and yet I guess in someways this is no different yet I have overlooked it. Not an easy situation.

Good thinking. Take it as a big warning flag that is time to start working in getting the relationship back to what it was, rather than the end of it.

I believe that leaving is the only way forward in a violent relationship. But, so far, this is only a one of, and...

considering the stress, hurt and back stabbing and lifelong disputes that a divorce brings I would also urge you to stay and work on it.

Yummy, he kicked you and then threw you and your young child out?

...Then dictated when you were allowed to return?

What happened, exactly following the physical incident?

I am shocked and appalled by what I'm reading on this thread.

A woman posts to say that she has been violently assaulted by her partner, and women post back to ask what she did to deserve it???!!!

Yummy, lots of women who experience domestic violence believe it is their fault, but it NEVER is.

It doesn't matter what you were doing or saying, no-one deserves to be kicked. It was not your fault for 'winding him up'. He has no right to abuse you or hurt you.

Purple peony and Early bird what can I say?

Shame on you both.

Yummy, I'm new here, but I've been lurking for a while.

I'll tell you the things that worry me about your story:

Your husband has threatened you with violence before.
He comes from a violent family. That doesn't mean violence is inevitable but it does mean that he's more likely to normalise it, rationalise it away, use it as a tool when angry than someone who hasn't grown up that way.
You come from a family with a DV history as well. Same thing applies re: normalising.
He's minimised the violence already ('it was just a shove')
Although he's apologised, he hasn't taken the responsibility for his actions. He hasn't, for example, offered to go to a therapist or an anger management class. What he has done is discussed with you how to get the spark back - that is, he believes that it wouldn't have happened otherwise. I.e., if you'd been different.
You came back as soon as he told you you were allowed to. What message has that sent to him?

I'm not telling you to leave. I am, as loudly as I can, telling you that the two of you need to do more than 'try not to wind each other up', here. This is an unhealthy pattern with the potential to get really ugly. Please consider going to counselling together. If you think he won't agree, what does that tell you about his real level of remorse?

I'm afraid any couples counsellor worth their salt, upon hearing that he has kicked you, will send you straight to Womens Aid, Yummy.

Because no relate counsellor will think that his physical violence towards you is something you have to take half the responsibility for 'working on'.

I can't tell you what to do. Wether you leave or not - that's your call.

But the likelihood is that this behaviour will escalate. At least put a plan in place for keeping yourself safe if/when that happens. Is there a friend or family members house that you can just run to if need be?

Whatever you said or did, he had no right to physically hurt you. None at all.

I think tortoiseonthehalfshell has made some very good points about why this behaviour is worrying and your DH needs to get some serious help, and maybe counselling together would also help, for things to change.

A lot of women who are victims of domestic violence do think their husband is wonderful, apart from the violence, that is why they stay for so long. They think that if they can just do something to stp the violence and see the 'nice guy' alll the time, they'll be onto a winner. Sadly, it rarely works out like that.

Ask your DH to speak to 'Respect'and they will be able to help him or point him in the right direction.

yummymummy - do you think he kicked you harder than he had intended too? Do you think he is really shocked at what happened? Is that why he can't admit how hard he kicked you?

Lots of good advice here but no one has yet talked abut you stopping the antidepressants. I can vouch for stopping these leading to irrational, and even goading, behaviour on my part. Yes kicking, or even shoving, you is unforgivable, yes it is utterly wrong for you to feel as though it is in any way your fault (he and he alone is responsible for the kick/shove).

But....(you knew a but was coming didn't you!) get yourself some counselling now, both on your own and perhaps as a couple. Stopping Ads is hard and controlling your behaviour when stopping is very very hard. I totally understand you wanting to work on your marriage but you do both have a background of DV. Add in depression and you may not be in the best possible position to sort out anything let alone getting the spark back! Look after yourself, with professional help, and then think on and talk to your husband.

Just my two pennyworth!

Thanks ladies. Yes I do think he kicked me harder than intended and he looks upset and guilty everytime I mention it. I think deep down he knows he kicked not shoved me but he doesnt want to admit to himself what he has done.
I do agree with early bird and purple peony that I am partly to blame. Even though violence is totally wrong I was disgusting with him I swore and goaded and even though I didnt deserve to be kicked I made him very very angry which explains his explosive outburst.
I am seeing a doc regularly about coming off Ads and DH is really understanding of my little outbursts.
I havent mentioned counselling to him as my experience of it in the past is that it doesnt work. I tried it for depression.

what were you/he angry about? the washing up? the relationship? or? you need to know.

something you always row about?

you goad and swear - not good. but he could walk away. you were sat on floor. vulnerable.

it sounds a troubled relationship.

conselling can be dependent on the counsellor and what you want out of it. i think you should give it a try.

looking at why you swear and goad him may help you assess what is good/bad about this relationship.

or CBT might help you find diff strategies to deal with things that you dont agree with. him too.

why is he so angry? why are you so angry?

but he cannot justify physical agression. if it was harder than intended this time, what might happen next time? it isnt equal is it, you sat on floor he standing up and kicking you...nasty.

what if your daughter gets in his way next time?

and do these rows happen in front of your dd? what behaviour is she learning? is "fiery" the way you want her to be with her peers?