DH Kicked me!

[yummymummy84]

Right I know most people will say get out now and I used to always say I would if he ever hurt me but hear me out. Long story...
We have always had a fiery relationship but have never been violent with each other before. We have a 3year old DD and he is stressed out at work. I am trying to come off antidepressants which has made my mood low and everything sort of exploded last week. I was sat on floor and kept rowing and rowing and he just kicked me!! I was sat on floor he then told us to go so went to mums. Within an hour he had calmed down and said we should come back and he has been perfect ever since and apologetic.
I just can't stop thinking about what happened and some people think it will happen again. We have been together 7 years and he has never once punched or kicked me before. I love him to bits and he says he loves me. We don't row excessively but have the odd tiff. I wonder if anyone else has been through this?

I know I didnt and I dont expect everyone to say it is right but wanted to know whether people would stay or go. He was totally wrong for kicking. Even though I was winding him up I would never have lashed out at him. I just wanted at least a couple of people to say I am doing the right thing as I feel I am but no-one else I have spoken to does

Do you or your dh have any history of violence in your families?

His dad was very violent to him and his sister but he always hated him for it. My dad was violent to my mum a couple of times but hasnt hit her in 15 years. Neither of us had ever thought it would become an issue for us

For me, it doesn´t matter if he thinks he kicked hard or not-he was physically aggressive.

And you have a daughter to think of.

And although you were wrong toprovoke, it doesn´t imo justify what he did.

He needs to learn to control himself.

If you have chosen to stay you shouldn't need strangers, or anyone, to say you are doing the right thing. You should feel it.

I feel it but just as so many people have said im not doing the right think I doubt myself. I have never had a lot of self confidence and as I said I am coming off antidepressants so havent been feeling great in myself anyway just needed reassurance.

Agree didl - BUT, op needs to understand the power she wields too. She can't assume the moral high ground, and blame him completely for what transpired between them. She needs to ensure in future that she doesn't provoke or goad her dh.

As I've said before, he was unarguably wrong. But she bears some responsibility here too, IMO.

They must discuss it, and he must apologise and vow not to let anything like this happen ever again. But, she must understand that even the most docile person/animal will 'snap' if provoked long enough.

No one is going to give you reassurance that it is okay and right for you to stay with someone that physically lashes out and hurts you.

A kick or a shove?? There is a huge difference

And why at the beginning of op did you try and set the scene to minimise impact of what he did?

because I didnt want people to think it was all him cos I wound him up to. He has vowed it wont happen again and I have said I will try and curb my mouth as I can be nasty to him. I think kick he thinks shove either way he was wrong and it hurt but he does seem very very sorry

Did you cry out when he did it?

He can't say he is shocked if you showed it hurt at the time.

I did cry yes so I you are right he shouldnt have been shocked. I dunno but I know he has been sorry since and is trying his best. I showed him my bruises last night and he looked upset and kept apologising

You need to do more than be apologetic and try harder. You need to get to the root of why you are rowing to the point of provocation and violence.

The point of an argument should be to get your viewpoint across to the other person, not to provoke, insult or hurt them. You need to (re)learn how to disagree/argue without it escalating like this.

You should see this episode as a warning call for your relationship and how you react to these situations.

Bit harsh to mention asking 'strangers' for reassurance^ - isn't that pretty much the whole point of MN.

Often it's just thinking out loud, which most of us have done here at some time and been offered help or just listened to.

I think it depends on a lot of factors - was it totally out of character, has he ever threatened you in the past, does he realise the scale of what he's done etc.

Yummy I am really sorry to say this but most men who abuse women start off like this.

He will be very remorseful. That's almost always the case. Sadly, it doesn't mean he will stop.

By staying with him, you will be asserting that this behaviour is Ok with you as long as he says sorry afterwards.

I'm not sure that's a situation you want yourself and dd to be in.

I fully understand how difficult this is and how shocking, because in order to protect your status as someone happily married and living together, you are going to have to sacrifice your potential safety and that of your daughter.
It's not fair and that's not your fault.

What you need to do is speck to womens aid. You need to write down, report and document every single incident, whether verbal, physical or emotionally horrid.

Womensaid can talk it through with you, clearly and sympathetically without taking any action on your behalf if you don't want.
They can advise you about sorting out come counselling or therapy for your DH, and tbh if he was brought up with vciolence he is fairly likely to repeat it unless some intervention happens.

You need to get even more support from outside - tell everyone, your folks, all your neighbours and friends if appropriate. They need to know the risk you are taking.
You could leave for a while or ask him to - better him, as unfair on dd otherwise to be uprooted.

Tell him he needs to see his GP and get therapy NOW because you are not going to accept him back into your home unless he gets some help.
At some level he has learned it is OK to hit women - how did his mother react in the past? He may not want to be like this but he can't stop himself no matter how much he wants to.

I would suggest trying to get your head around asking him to go for a few days/weeks or however long it takes. Zero tolerance is often the only way, or he will think you are ok with it.

Does that make sense?

Relate might help as well.

It's very easy to say that you would leave after just one occasion when you've never actually been in the situation. Equally it's very easy to tell someone that they must leave when you've never actually been in a similar situation..

DV is a bit like affairs in that respect, most of us state categorically that we would leave a man who raised a hand to us, or a man who had an affair, and yet on the whole most women stay for a time at least.

it is very easy to say that the man was in the wrong here and should never have lashed out, but the reality is that anyone has the capasity to lash out if provoked enough, most of us have done it in fact, perhaps thrown something/smacked a child who was being naughty - and most people would understand how that could happen in the heat of the moment, yet a man lashes out at his partner and suddenly it is considered domestic violence which can only ever escalate into something far more terrifying. Of course it can, but equally there have to be situations where someone (man or woman) lashes out at their partner in a one-off incident and it never happens again. But I suspect that these one-off incidents are never talked about because people are too ashamed or even afraid of being judged for staying in the relationship.

Op I suspect that you are seeking approval of your decision to stay with your dh on here because you are feeling that it goes against everything you believe in, and suddenly all your pre-conceived ideas have gone out of the window. Equally I suspect that you feel judged by those in rl you have confided in and although you know this is what you want to do, you want someone to tell you that it will be ok and that you are doing the right thing.

Ultimately this is your relationship and only you can know whether or not you are doing the right thing by staying. But do think about this, as much as one physical kick could be considered abuse, so verbal nastyness is considered verbal abuse. In reality, neither is worse than the other.

While you should of course be able to seek reassurance from your dh that what happened will never happen again, your dh should also be able to seek similar reassurance from you that you will work on your temper and the way in which you speak to him. If it is as bad as you say it is, perhaps it would be worth seeking some help with that too?

It was out of character and he does realise what he has done. He has threatened in the past just like I have said things to him but neither of us have ever hit each other. We dont row a lot but in recent months when we have it has been bad. We have discussed it and have both said we havent been paying much attnetion to each other due to work, DD, hobbies etc and have agreed to do more together which we have been doing. Things look to be on the up if they carry on the way they are

MorrisZapp - I just meant that it shouldn't matter what people you don't know think. I do get your point though, I just think the OP is looking for something she won't get on here.

Plus you need to document your injuries. Take a photo now, see GP if you can, tomorrow - so someone has seen it. Say you don't want any action taken yet, get in touch with WA yourself and just say you want it documented.

This is important and will establish a good network of support.
You could also go to the police but GP will do and might feel less horrid.

He may not stop like your dad did.
I know this is horrible and upsetting to admit you have a relationship with someone you canot presently trust. But I believe there is hope for him with the right handling - and that starts with not accepting him taking his place back in your home until he has expressed and acted on, and continues to act on, a desire to change radically. This was a part of him I bet he didn't know existed. He clearly does nOT have a handle on it as he would like to think.

Wannabe I disagree with your comparison.

Lashing out at a child is different to an adult.
You can reason with an adult or indeed an older child.

A small child is often impossible to reason with and you're not able to walk away either. Not that hitting a child is ever right or good but when it's another adult, there is always the option to leave the room - without slamming your feet into them as you go.

Violence is always wrong - nobody could ever dispute that. But if it was once and out of character then there is room for discussion rather then kicking somebody out.

I only say this based upon my own experience - I once slapped my ex full across the face in an argument. It was appalling behaviour and a low in our relationship/ my life, but I am not an abuser, I'm a kind, loving person who hates violence and cries when people shout at each other.

I'm not still with that ex though, as we never really did sort out the issues that provoked that horrible argument. You might both have to dig deep OP to avoid a repeat of what happened. If there's ever a next time you know it's a trend and not a one off.

"As one of the many women on here who has been abused, what worries me, amongst many things when someone says about such an incident, is the worry of a line being crossed with your H doing this. "

My thoughts exactly... there is a chance this will never repeat itself, some people can identify how serious that was and avoid it. But, if this is just the beginning, beware, and keep notes, and if you got hurt, take pictures of it, go to GP, get a record of it... It may become very handy in the future. (sorry)

Thanks for all these comments. I know it is only me who can decide if it is right to stay and I do think it is. We have both said we are going to try and control tempers when we do row and have said we are going to try and get that spark back which we know is still there. I have taken pictures just in case but hoping I never need to look at those again