Why can't you be happy with a nice simple life?

[Robeena]

A quick background, 3 kids eldest ds is 4, the next ds almost 3 then dd 15mths. I used to work in a position that was considered professional/executive, but I haven?t set foot in an office since the week before 2ds was born.

I am not saying I am a domestic goddess but I have applied running the house the same way I would at work and I do everything from paying bills, cooking, cleaning and organising the kids ? so basically when my husband gets home from work there is dinner on the table, clothes ironed etc etc.

Then last September I decided to set up my own business ? now as I didn?t want it to interfere with the children?s routine I do everything regards my new business in the morning before they wake and after they go to bed. On top of this as I had stopped breastfeeding to lose the baby weight from #3 I took up running which is two evenings a week.

My husband now feels that I have no time for him and he is ?sick to death of me being holed up in the study with the laptop in the evenings and that now he is at the bottom of my list of priorities and importance?.

We have been together over 10 years married for 8 and this has been the biggest argument we have ever had where I think basically he got used to me being the old fashioned wife ? he said he is happy with his family unit and how things were and why couldn?t I be happy with a nice simple life....

If the OPs dh thinks housework is so fulfilling, why not suggest he does more of it? I am upping my hours at work this year, and we can't afford outside help, so that means there's only one way it can go....

Dh does not expect to spend the whole weekend just playing- he appreciates that housework, cooking for the freezer etc can also count as family time.

OP, I thought it was interesting when you described your dp's family - presumably this has had a strong influence on his expectations.

I empathise with you - my (ex)h was similarly happy for me to exercise my brain, abilities and independence, as along as it didn't make his life any more difficult. When we eventually split up, we went to counselling and discussed issues about our expectations, and how our parents lives influenced them. I remember thinking "how was I so stupid, that I couldn't see what he expected". And I wonder if we had been brave enough to see a counsellor in the early years of marriage, whether we could have re-thought things and re-negotiated our own plans and purpose.....

I urge you to do something now to sort this out. Don't leave it too late.

Good lord. When I was single & earning reasonable money, I had a cleaner/ironer/shopper ... just like I did when I was married. Now I'm poor, I don't do ANY housework unless it's necessary for food hygiene (my kitchen worktops are clean, but the floor isn't). There is no iron in my house. My sister, who has a career & children, runs her house by the same rules.

This isn't a statement of beliefs, it's a matter of simple choice. Housework isn't a moral or even a practical necessity. Some people find it satisfying work - those are the people I hire to do mine, when I can afford to.

My sympathy for women who feel women "should" do housework, or that it's an expression of femininity, is about as heartfelt as my approval of men who feel the same way.