Still feeling upset with MIL

[ladyofshallots]

I'll preface this by saying that my MIL is a helpful and kind lady who has done a lot for us. However, I am finding myself feeling angry over her actions following the homebirth of my third dc.

I had been having contractions all night and barely slept, so dh stayed off work the next day, but it was a very slow process and I was not in established labour until that afternoon. I was exhausted! Dh asked MIL if she could look after 4 year old dd1, so he dropped her off after school. That left us with just 2 year old dd2, who went to bed at 7pm, at which point my mum came round to help (both dd's tend to wake up in the night, so my mum was on hand to settle dd2) and we called the midwife.

After a very tiring labour, ds was born just before midnight. My mum left shortly after, as dd2 was asleep. Dh couldn't get hold of his mum on the phone (it was off the hook accidentally) so drove round to ask if dd1 could stay overnight as we were both exhausted. I had not delivered the placenta at this point and was left with the midwives. The placenta would not come out naturally and I was bleeding everywhere. The midwife wanted to insert a catheter to help the placenta come out and I was in a lot of pain.

At this point dh came back with dd1. MIL refused to have her over night as she was tired. dd1 had been sleeping on her sofa earlier, but had woken up and was a bit over excited about the new baby.

dd1 then wanted a wee and got very upset at all the blood in the bathroom. It wasn't how I had wanted her to meet her new brother. She woke dd2 with her crying and dh had to try and settle the two of them downstairs whilst I was left with the midwives.

After an hour and a half the placenta finally came out, but I was pretty much alone apart from the midwives as dh was busy with the girls. It was very frightening and I needed dh with me really.

Neither of us got much sleep as the girls were too over excited and it ruined the first few moments for me. I should have been enjoying my new baby and I feel upset with MIL that she couldn't have had dd1 overnight just this once

Ds is 8 weeks now, but I am worried this will change my relationship with MIL as I am finding it hard to forgive her.

Is it possible that DH didn't explain the extent of the situation to MIL? Otherwise I can't understand it. Could she just have thought it was a question of you being tired rather than the placenta issue?

I really don't think you can blame your mil
she probably had no idea what a home birth would be like

I think that was very mean of your mil. Do you think she was jealous because your mum was there or maybe she was trying to make a point that she is against home births.

I don't think it is worth falling out over but I would find it very hard to forget that she wasn't there when you needed her support.

I don't think dh did explain things very well to MIL, so I was a bit annoyed with him as well. I don't know what MIL expected to happen in a home birth.Having given birth herself I assumed she would remember what it entailed, but I don't think she does

The thing is, she is not normally spiteful, so it really confused me. She didn't come to see baby the next day, although she lives round the corner and when she did come she was full of talk about a wedding she had been to and didn't bring him a present.

Why did your mum go home when you didn't have any other back up? Was your mil on call to help?

Just sounds unfortunate to me tbh!

Couldn´t both girls have gone to your mum?

Couldn´t your husband have waited to collect your daughter?

My mum assumed MIL would have dd1, but I suppose we could have sent both girls to her. I was in no state to think straight at the time and dh didn't phone her. I think he should have waited to collect dd and I actually asked him to, but MIL is only round the corner, so I thought he would be straight back.

if she isn't usually spiteful & you get on well then i think you (or dh) needs to talk to her about it

It just doesn´t sound well thought out/organised tbh & I know this sounds awful, but your MIL isn´t to blame for that!

I think you need to put it behind you.
She did what she could.

If she is not normally like this then I am sure it is all a misunderstanding, my FIL is an evil sod and I could write you list of all the vile spiteful things he has done, this is tame in comparison.

I would just forget it and don't hold it against her, however if she continues to be funny then might be worth having a chat.

for your dd getting upset at the bathroom though, poor thing

Will try to put it behind me. Think I should have just asked my mum to have both girls overnight in the first place, then there would have been no issue. I wanted my mum with me though, so that was why we did it as we did.

She didn't do what she could though, she did what she wanted to do, but I guess she didn't understand. She probably thought I had delivered the baby and was resting.

If anything, I would be annoyed at husband for leaving you before you delivered the placenta & bringing 4yr old before everything was cleaned up.

When I phoned MIL to say I was in labour & could they come to look after PFB, she went into panic mode-asked me what she should do with the casserole that she had just put in the oven & then put me on to FIL!!

Congratulations, btw!

Thanks, he is lovely

I understand how you feel - she could have saved you anxiety and between your dh and her, sounds like they let you down a bit; and made things harder for your dd also. Probably your dh should have been more emphatic about situation. Maybe have a bit of space from her and let the memory fade a bit x

Gosh, you'd just had a baby! Couldn't she have looked after her overnight just for this one night? Don't blame you one bit for feeling the way you do.

I asked dh about why he behaved as he did and he said he had forgotten about the placenta , despite being at my previous 2 births. He gets a bit flustered in stressful situations.

I do feel like putting a bit of distance between myself and MIL, don't feel I can talk about it now really as time has passed.

I think I will eventually be able to put it behind me, but it just hurt that this happened when I was so vulnerable. I wept for days about it in the hormonal days post-birth.

TBH,I don´t understand why your husband fetched her-it was midnight!

I completely understand why you feel upset, I would too, but it's just one of those things. If she's normally nice etc then just try to put it behind you. when you have DC3 , be very organised and arrange tihngs in advance ("you will be having DD1 overnight") etc. Congrats on baby

Sounds to me like everything was disorganised - your mother, your DH, your MIL and you are blaming MIL for it all.

It would have been better to have cast iron arrangements in place for your dd's in advance - they go and stay the night elsewhere or someone stays all night to look after them. How did it all get so wishy washy? Why did your DH go to MIL's house at all?

My guess is: because they'd had two before and had an expectation of how it would go. Then nature threw them a curver and the plan, which was adequate if everything had gone smoothly, all went to pieces.

Lesson: always plan for things to go all peculiar, and be humbly grateful if they don't!

I agree it´s not MILs fault-just bad planning!

sorry you had a bad time but i think you need to put it behind you. I don't understand really why your DH went to collect your DD - presumable if he hadn't she would have just slept at your MILs?

It sounds like a mix up.