Still feeling upset with MIL

[ladyofshallots]

I'll preface this by saying that my MIL is a helpful and kind lady who has done a lot for us. However, I am finding myself feeling angry over her actions following the homebirth of my third dc.

I had been having contractions all night and barely slept, so dh stayed off work the next day, but it was a very slow process and I was not in established labour until that afternoon. I was exhausted! Dh asked MIL if she could look after 4 year old dd1, so he dropped her off after school. That left us with just 2 year old dd2, who went to bed at 7pm, at which point my mum came round to help (both dd's tend to wake up in the night, so my mum was on hand to settle dd2) and we called the midwife.

After a very tiring labour, ds was born just before midnight. My mum left shortly after, as dd2 was asleep. Dh couldn't get hold of his mum on the phone (it was off the hook accidentally) so drove round to ask if dd1 could stay overnight as we were both exhausted. I had not delivered the placenta at this point and was left with the midwives. The placenta would not come out naturally and I was bleeding everywhere. The midwife wanted to insert a catheter to help the placenta come out and I was in a lot of pain.

At this point dh came back with dd1. MIL refused to have her over night as she was tired. dd1 had been sleeping on her sofa earlier, but had woken up and was a bit over excited about the new baby.

dd1 then wanted a wee and got very upset at all the blood in the bathroom. It wasn't how I had wanted her to meet her new brother. She woke dd2 with her crying and dh had to try and settle the two of them downstairs whilst I was left with the midwives.

After an hour and a half the placenta finally came out, but I was pretty much alone apart from the midwives as dh was busy with the girls. It was very frightening and I needed dh with me really.

Neither of us got much sleep as the girls were too over excited and it ruined the first few moments for me. I should have been enjoying my new baby and I feel upset with MIL that she couldn't have had dd1 overnight just this once

Ds is 8 weeks now, but I am worried this will change my relationship with MIL as I am finding it hard to forgive her.

I also think you cant blame your mil, only your own bad planning. You should have made firm arrangements of where the girls were staying, who would be at the birth as your back up, and I have no idea why your dh rushed out of the house and to his mum as soon as your son was born. Your mil probably thought he was there to pick up your oldest. Especially if he had woken her up! Congratulations on your new baby! Please put it behind you, the important thing is that he is happy and healthy.

In my previous home birth, dd1 had slept through it all and both my previous births were at night. They were also both short labours. I labour very quietly so was hoping it would happen at night again and dds would be asleep. If not, we knew MIL was round the corner and she has always said she could help.
I suppose we could have clarified arrangements further, but I assumed family would step in if needed - otherwise what were we supposed to do?

MIL was surprised that my labour took so long and so was expecting it to be over earlier than it was. dh couldn't get through on the phone, so went to tell her I had only just given birth and could she keep dd. We didn't want her to worry. I agree he shouldn't have gone.

I agree it could have been organised better, but birth can be unpredictable and I still feel annoyed (also at dh - but he keeps telling me to forget about it).

I suppose the important thing is a happy and healthy baby. ds hasn't been particularly healthy so far, but after a brief hospital stay hopefully he is getting better.

I can see how a number of factors contributed to this, not just MIL, so I am wrong to direct it all at her.

I think things were so hectic leading up to the birth (I moved house at 40 weeks pregnant) that we were disorganised.

Sorry it was difficult for you but it sounds to me like this is a bit unfair on your MIL.

You weren't there when your DH said whatever he did that resulted in him bringing your DD home. She probably just really wanted to come home and your DH didn't push it.

I bet your MIL didn't 'refuse' to have her overnight, or if she did she gave good reasons.

I'm not having a go, but I just see so many threads on here in which female relatives of men get a bashing while the men themselves get treated as innocent bystanders ifswim.

He's married to you, she isn't. I often wonder (in general) why posters on here automatically forgive their DHs any wrongdoing, but hold on to anger at their female in laws.