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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dp overcome with grief...... What can I do??

51 replies

M2T · 09/06/2003 08:59

My dp lost his Aunt 2 weeks ago who he was very very close to. She had lived with his parents since he was a child and her death was so sudden! We are all in shock. His family live 400 miles away and we don't drive so he has felt very isolated. He spent all last week with his family and the funeral was on Thursday.

However, he returned home on Friday night and he seemed fine. Obviously he is still sad and grieving but he was quite together. Then on Sunday we were supposed to go out for the day with my family. We had a silly row.... and very small row and he burst into tears. He said he wasn't ready to go out to have fun... that he felt that it was wrong that he has a laugh!

He was really quite hysterical. I know he is devastated about his Aunt,but how can I male him see that life HAS to go on?? Our ds has missed his daddy so much and now he's home he cant cope with spending time with us!

I have no idea what to do. I got so frustrated with him yesterday that I eventually said that he was just feeling sorry for himself and he had to pull himself together. I mean, it's ok to cry, but to let your grief consume every part of your life???

He's back at work today, but I have a feeling he will be sent home.

I have no experience (THANKFULLY!) of losing a very close member of my family so I really am in new territory here.

HELP.

OP posts:
Original poster
M2T · 09/06/2003 09:01

I also meant to say that we get married in October and we have a lot of arrangements to make, but he doesn't want to talk about it. I don't want to have to postpone the wedding, but I don't want to get married when he is just SO lost.

OP posts:
codswallop · 09/06/2003 09:10

poor you m2t - its unusual to see men grief ridden or unable to cope(or look like they are) isnt it?

I would take it easy - Octeober is along way away and even by next wek things will look better.

remember whebyou thought life would never go back to normal after t was born? well it does (sort of!) and i am sure this will all work itself out

coddy

WideWebWitch · 09/06/2003 09:16

Don't be so unsympathetic and selfish, his grief is new and raw and you're not helping matters by expecting him to carry on as normal. If he was close to his aunt of course he will still be feeling it and you need to let him get over it in his own way and own time. I know this sounds harsh but if my dp had told me to pull my socks up when I was grief stricken I'd have left him (or lost it). Maybe you don't know what it's like but try to imagine it - it's very painful indeed.

musica · 09/06/2003 09:18

Give him some time - 2 weeks is hardly long enough for him to realise what he has lost. When my gran died, it took quite a long time to get over - just little things like not being able to phone her, or let her know about things. I know it's hard on you, but he really needs your support. I think with grieving, you have to expect periods of grief interspersed with 'ok' periods, and the 'ok' periods gradually become bigger and bigger until the grief is a background. He may well feel guilty about enjoying himself, in which case, why not try doing quiet things like doing gardening together, or going for walks. I hope you both pull through this together,

lou33 · 09/06/2003 09:21

Sorry to hear your news m2t.I can understand your dp completely, my mum died 4 years ago and we were extremely close. I suspect your dp knows life has to go on, and he is trying to cope, but sometimes the feelings of grief are overwhelming and all consuming. I would think it is because he has you and ds that he is getting out of bed every day, and able to carry on, I know this was the case with myself.

There isn't really a lot I can say except he will be seemingly ok one moment then angry, upset and everything inbetween the next. You will just have to give him time, and eventually he will find it easier to cope. Very best wishes to you all.

Original poster
M2T · 09/06/2003 09:24

Thanks Coddy!

WWW - I don't think I am being THAT selfish. I loved her too and I know it is still fresh. My point was that I don't know how to help him. I was asking advice on how to do that. Not expecting to be painted as the evil partner.

He has starting drinking too which is not helping matters.

I am NOT expecting him to just carry on as normal, but I was expecting him to be able to funtion..... which he isn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
M2T · 09/06/2003 09:31

Thanks everyone.

Maybe I have come across harsh (??) in my post. I am SO frustrated and upset with the whole situation. I haven't coped very well with being left on my own when he was away for a week and I had hoped he would have been able to help even a little when he returned. Not the case....
... no matter what he is going through we have to still function as a family.

Talking about finances might sound cold, but if it has gotten to the point where more time off work and extra days at Nursery for ds could mean us getting into serious debt then I think he NEEDS to help.

Real life is hard. And I really feel like I can't cope with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
M2T · 09/06/2003 09:32

...or cope withOUT him!

OP posts:
Philippat · 09/06/2003 09:48

It's really tough when the person who is the support in a family needs the support himself, but I think if you love him and want to help him, that's what you've got to do. Role reversal, really.

It sounds like what he needs right now is time and also opportunities to talk about it. Can you throw yourself into trying to sort out the practical things if you find the emotional side too difficult? I guess that means planning your budget a bit so you can afford extra childcare, or asking family/friends for help, sorting out the bits for the wedding that need to be done now, that sort of thing.

SamboM · 09/06/2003 09:58

Poor dp and poor you. All I can say is that time will heal and he will gradually be able to cope better. Just give him a shoulder to cry on when he needs it (which I'm sure is what you'd want in that situation) and talk to him about it, it will only get worse if he bottles it up.

Hope it improves soon ((()))

Original poster
M2T · 09/06/2003 10:21

When I had PND and was completely and utterly distraught dp just couldn't understand so wasn't really any support to me at all. He started offering support once my PND eased off a bit! I have always resented this and I s'pose there is a bit of tension about that.

I was expected to get on with things during that.... I even went back to work when ds was only 18 weeks old as I recognised that we needed the money even though I felt like a complete basket-case.

I have been there for him and am still there for him as a shoulder to cry on but he seems to need much more than that. I'm wondering if I should talk to his parents to see if they can maybe help??

OP posts:
Original poster
M2T · 09/06/2003 10:23

I still suffer from PND so I am finding it really hard to take on the burden of ALL responsibilities. I am already responsible for most things.... I just feel like I'm falling apart!!! And I'm no use to him like that.

OP posts:
SamboM · 09/06/2003 10:37

Does he have anyone else to talk to about it?

Original poster
M2T · 09/06/2003 10:39

Just his parents and his sister, but they are all 400 miles away.

OP posts:
SamboM · 09/06/2003 10:44

No mates who you could talk to and ask them to help him?

Original poster
M2T · 09/06/2003 10:49

He has only one friend from his home town that lives up here now. But his answer to everything is going to the pub! In fact, that's the answer most of mates have!! Just have a good bevvy and forget about it..... for now.
He is very lonely, but I really think his sister could help. I give her phone when dp isn't around and see if she'll talk to him.

OP posts:
bossykate · 09/06/2003 10:51

www, you're back! was going to post on mis pers for you.

m2t, not a marvellous situation any of you. agree with the others it must be still a very raw loss, so he needs more time and support. sorry if this sounds harsh, but i think you will have to step up. i appreciate you may feel resentful if you didn't feel the support was forthcoming from him when you had pnd. agree with philippat, might be time to get family/friends to help out? any way you can discourage him from drowning his sorrows?

good luck to you all.

winnie1 · 09/06/2003 10:51

M2T, I am so sorry for your loss. As someone who had a breakdown following the sudden death of my father I would urge you to simply give your dp time and space. People deal with death so differently. This is, I know,an extremely difficult situation, especially as you are suffering PND. My advice would be get some help now, whatever you can afford and whatever you can take. Get friends, parents, babysitters to help out. Any offer: take it. It could take months for dp to go through the grieving process and although life does go on, he will need to do this. My dh didn't know what to do either and frankly there is nothing he could do. He found it very difficult coping with a new me. How can the death of soeone so close to one not have an impact? It changed the way I looked at everything. I couldn't get the point of life at all. It put an awful strain on our marriage and we almost went our seperate ways. I needed help but everyone just expected me to pick myself up and brush myself off and get on with it and I simply couldn't. So my advice is give him time and space, get practical help and if he seems to be going over the edge in the future (there is notime line to grief so it is all down to instinct) suggest or push him towards some form of bereavement counselling. Want to write so much more but sadly haven't got the time. Will wrtie later. best wishes Winnie xxx

Original poster
M2T · 09/06/2003 10:53

BK - He wouldn't even leave the house yesterday! I went out alone with ds and when I came home he'd just sat and cried.... and drank lots of beer! I just can't live like this.

OP posts:
suedonim · 09/06/2003 11:17

M2T, maybe this charity Cruse could help, either by your dp contacting them or by supporting you while you support him. HTH.

bossykate · 09/06/2003 11:27

m2t, has he gone to work today?

Original poster
M2T · 09/06/2003 11:58

Yes BK He has gone to work. He went in on Saturday though and was sent home after a couple of hours.

I work 40 hours a week and don't get paid for time off so I can't even be at home for him if he does go home. Finances are pretty shakey and we have no savings left.

Thanks Suedonim.

OP posts:
bossykate · 09/06/2003 12:03

m2t, i think that's a good sign. see how he gets on today. best wishes.

Original poster
M2T · 09/06/2003 12:05

Yeah... all seems to be ok so far. He usually calls me at 1pm-ish so I'll be able to tell by his voice how he is. Thanks.

OP posts:
whymummy · 09/06/2003 12:59

hi m2t dont worry it will pass just give him time,always be there to listen i think is a good idea to phone his sister as shes the only one that knows the pain hes feeling,sounds like she was more than an aunt to him maybe like a second mum so it will take a while and i know men are not much help when were depressed but thats because they dont know how to deal with it,just hang on in there!good luck xx

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