when you don't fancy your DH any more...

[nothrillsanymore]

is it time to go?

Don't want to say too much as want to be anon- regular but name changed. I feel embarrassed and stupid.

I just don't fancy my DH any more. It started before we were married (yes, I know- please no lectures) when I briefly met someone else, but he was on the rebound and it was too soon.
Went ahead anyway with my marraige, but was not sure.

25 years later still in same postion. 2 grown up DCs .

Love him as a friend and he is a kind, lovely man who loves me to death. But he does not make it happen for me in bed, or out of bed- we "get on"- he is so easy going he gets onwith anyone, but deep down are not on same wave length.

I think I have had 2 orgasms in the whole of marriage with him. Not down to his technique but down to my inability to- have now done lots of DIY and can, but not with him as there is a barrier- cannot let myself go.

I suppose I want permission to leave him- DCS will be distraught, as they are older but not employed yet- just out of uni.

I am terrified at the thought of starting over, it hurts me terribly to think how I will hurt him, but want another chance of good sex and real closeness in my life.

Hmm...not sure. I would say if he really loves you and makes you feel secure then you are lucky. If you did leave him, there's no guarantee of finding someone who could make you feel the way you describe. It's a big step to leave, very stressful for everyone.

You say you can make it happen for yourself, but him being there is a 'barrier' - I think this is actually very possible to overcome. Maybe a bit of counselling? If you can have an orgasm by yourself then you can show someone else how to do it for you

I agree with Brahms, this may be salvagable with some work. There are lots of couples sex-therapists who may be able to help you both. Do you think your DH would be willing to go with you?

It sounds like an awful lot to walk away from. If you try everything and are still miserable then it may be the right decision at some point. But do try everything.

I agree with trying everything first. But I think if you know you have done that, there is then no shame in walking away with your head held high, there is nothing wrong with ending a relationship, especially when your children are grown and can deal with the situation as adults. Don't underestimate that; yes they would be sad, of course, but they could cope with it in a mature way, articulate their feelings and generally deal with the thing so much better than if they were say 3 and 9.

I think there are factors here pointing to either option. I'm not in the situation you are exactly, I have a son with my DP who is 16 months and we are not married. But attraction was never right up there in the list of reasons why we got together, and it had waned even further since we had a child. It depends on how much value you put on what your DH is giving you, vs what a possible other relationship might offer, factoring the risk that you might never find said other relationship and could be single. Would you rather be single than be with him? That's what you should be asking yourself.

I think Relate might help you to get your head around things and work towards a decision, whether you went as a couple of just you on your own.
Does you DH know how you feel, what would he say if he knew? Is he attracted to you or not really bothered?

My own personal and possibly wrong opinion is that if the spark isn't there, you cannot create it. BUT you can accept that it is not there, and be happy without it. If I had only ever been with DP, I wouldn't have a clue what I was missing in terms of sexual chemistry, and would probably be blissfully happy. It's basically all about what you can and cannot live with.
I hope you get it sorted as I have a lot of sympathy for those in this situation.

Try a trial separation first and see how you both go, this will give you both time to see how the other copes without.

we are thinking along the lines of a trial separation- me getting full time work instead of p/t - if I can find what I want- and moving out/away for 6 months or so. I might have a grown up gap year of a few months, overseas.

He loves me a lot and won't leave me alone- in terms of fancying me. But he just leaves me cold.

It's just when he touches me, I want to push him away- I think there is a lot of bottled up anger in me for him not being what I want. he inhibits me, as he is very quiet, whereas I respond best to people who are a bit more outgoing than I am. He is a bit OCD and geeky in some ways, whereas I am very arty and more touchy-feely.

I don't think sex therapy would work, as the issue is that he's not getting into my head in the first place, let alone my knickers. For me, it all happens in my head.

We don't have a lot in common and there is a huge part of "me" that isn't aired or shared with him, and I feel very isolated. Yes, I can share those things with friends, but it's not the same- I don't want them in my bed!

How long have you been together?

Its not up to us to give you permission to leave, you have to do what is best for you.

At the end of the day if the love has gone then there is no point trying to save it, although do try to live apart and see if it is really what you want. Life is too short to be miserable.

25 years married- 3 before that.

I almost left 15 yrs back when an ex came into my life but I decided to put my DCs first.

There are never any guarantees though, are there?

You could be on your own for the rest of your life.

You could meet someone - or several someones- who float your boat sexually but treat you like rubbish in other ways.

Are these situations you're prepared to put up with if you leave your DH?

I'm not saying they will happen. But they might. Is chasing the dream enough of a lure for you to risk it?

It sounds like you'd be giving up quite a lot, in some ways. He sounds like a good man. But if you really don't think you can be happy with him, then give him the chance to be with someone who DOES fancy the pants off him.

nothrills, my heart goes out to you.

Although I totally agree with the suggestions of couples counselling, it's possible that the thought of suggesting it to your DH may mortify you - how does one say 'I don't fancy you and really don't like it when you touch me'?

It looks as though you have very good reasons for sticking around and working at it, and also very good reasons for throwing in the towel - when you said: "I think there is a lot of bottled up anger in me for him not being what I want. he inhibits me, as he is very quiet, whereas I respond best to people who are a bit more outgoing than I am. He is a bit OCD and geeky in some ways, whereas I am very arty and more touchy-feely." - it's clear that there's a significant personality difference which, as you say, is creating distance. However, this doesn't mean that your relationship is doomed. There are plenty of couples I know who have dramatically different personalities and who make their relationships work - with close physical intimacy as well as all the other stuff.

I wonder whether the anger that you feel is one of the key reasons why you feel turned off by him. It's possible that if you have an opportunity to deal with this long-term build-up of anger, things may start to look different. Resentment creates distance, and it can have a massive impact on us physiologically. I certainly recognise the pattern of anger and resentment leading to a loss of desire for a partner, which is why I raise this issue with you. With this in mind, what would you have to lose by working at things with the guidance of a professional (I think the help of a pro is essential for your situation) and then reviewing things 6 months down the line?

Sex is all in the mind, and it's impossible to fancy someone when you are feeling resentful at them. It will always be a no go zone. The counsellor we saw at Relate agreed strongly with this.
And yet, it's possible to have those two personality types and to co-exist without resentment. Realistically neither one of you is going to change, personality-wise, so it's just about deciding whether you can be happy together the way you are or whether you need to go your separate ways in order to be happy.

Feel really sad for you, you sound just like me and DP but further down the line.

Well said, vicky. A good counsellor will help you both to firstly understand each other's differences, then to appreciate the way your differences can combine to make a powerhouse of a fab relationship. Differences are a good thing!

Thanks all.

I had 4 sessions of counselling alone, almost a year ago. All it did was to make me feel worse- as I off loaded all my dislikes of him. At the end of each session I came out feeling I had to leave him.

my DH is not very articulate- he has a degree but he also has a speeech/language issue which means he can't always get his words out or say what he means first time. I am very articulate- it's what I do for a living. I find his behaviour frustrating even though he can't help it.

He misinterprets simple questions so that they have to be asked again. He is not Aspergers, but there is something almost Aspy about his responses at times.

I feel inhibited with him as for years I have not got back the responses I need when we discuss things, so I have given up talking a lot of the time.

He is also very laid back and allows situations to continue with the DCs - money stuff as they both owe us money- which he ought to be dealing with- I end up nagging them all the time and they end up hating me.

When I saw the counsellor, she made it clear to me that she thought I had ended up with him as I wanted security, having been ditched a lot in my 20s. I think her words were along the lines of "So he was the one who wanted you." Out of fear of being alone and my biological clock ticking, I said yes.

I do love him, but as a friend. he doesn't do it for me sexually. I know I could find someone who might, but have lots of other faults.

It's a hard call. I think the answer is to have a break and see how we both feel.

I think its got very little to do with sex but is instead to do with the fact that you don't share yourself with him - that you keep everything 'in your head'. How can you have sexual intimacy with someone you're not really intimate with emotionally.

Why do you not want to be emotional with him?

Yup, reckon there is no other way under the circumstances, not siding with him but it is not fair to waste his or your life. Both of you could find someone who really does it for you and still be friends.

I'm not sure that adult children find parents separation that much easier than young children.

Maybe worth reflecting on this quote from Captain Corelli's Mandolin;

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being in love which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident."

Louis de Bernieres

beyond- you are right, but I have got to the point where I can't /don't share because I never get back what I need...so I tend not to share. I get monosyllables or shallow responses.

He lacks empathy and has no friends of his own- well, one.

To give you a tiny example, I was telling him about a close friend- he hasn't met her- whose marriage is a breaking up (long story) and is seeing another man. ( no judging, please.) She was unable to see him over Xmas due to the snow. I told DH that she was really sad.... and all he said was "tart", in a jokey way.

And yes, I know that freeing him so he can be happy is right- but that is hard when all he wants is me.

I am beginning to think it is harder to hurt, than be hurt.

STIDW I love that piece and how true.

to nothrills. Really sorry you're having to work through all this stuff, it sounds incredibly complex and painful.

I can see why you would struggle to share your life with a man who is as you've described. I'm more like you personality-wise, and I would find it a real challenge as well. It's also a pity that you haven't both gone to counselling together, as it would help you to understand each other better, but it sounds as though perhaps your differences will be pretty unworkable regardless.

You have sustained this relationship for 28 years, which is a massive achievement. I'm getting the feeling that it's not that you are trying to decide whether or not to leave him; it's more that you basically want out but are scared of what a new life will be like. Which is perfectly understandable.

Best of luck whatever you decide.

Thanks for the quote- it is true, but no help, lol!

Thanks speedy.

The problem is that my DH is a lovely man- I don't think he would ever cheat, or lie, or do anything than be supportive and caring. BUT he is not the world's best communicator and there's the rub.

I NEED communication- it's what I live by and how I tick.

I have stopped "sharing" emotionally because whenever I do, I get a metaphorical kick in the teeth- a response that falls way short of what I need.

We can travel for 100s miles by car and he will have no conversation. I will try top start it and get a little- just a little- back.

When we first met I suppose he and I made a huge effort, as you do- the sex was quite good too. Then, as time went on, I began to get "mentally bored" if that makes any sense.

Yet in all of this, I know that I am truly loved. For who I am. I wish I could love him for what he is.

but want another chance of good sex and real closeness in my life.

But what happens if you never find that with someone else - what happens if you think you have found it and then it turns out it isn't as good as you have now?

Do you know what the biggest worry if for people between 18-30, that they will be alone and lonely when they are old

Ivy- I am well past the 18 - 30 age group!

TBH there is nothing more lonely than sitting night after night in the same room as a man who you feel doesn't "get" you and who has no conversation, or limited conversation. Especially when you have known other men who do "do it" for you.
Being alone is not really a worry. I am lonely now even though I am not alone.

I reaslise if you have been married 25 years that you are past that age - it is the fact it is it is a lonely world.

It is not an easy choice to make, but if you are happier being alone than as a couple - then possibly it is the answer

I'm going to go against the grain here and advise you to get out.

Being on your own is a million times better than being in an unfulfilling relationship.

Why should women stick with marriages that don't do anything for them? Why is sticking together no matter what seen as such a noble choice? So you may not find something better. So what? What sort of reason is that to stay with a man you don't love?

You're not happy op. Give yourself (and him) the chance to be.

No advice I'm afraid, just want to say I'm getting a lot from this thread. I'm possibly in the same situation as you were OP, before deciding to marry your DH. I just don't know what to do. He is wonderful and I am so lucky, but I just don't fancy him. But then none of the men I've ever fancied have been partner material ... Lots of food for thought. Wishing you all the best.