when you don't fancy your DH any more...

[nothrillsanymore]

is it time to go?

Don't want to say too much as want to be anon- regular but name changed. I feel embarrassed and stupid.

I just don't fancy my DH any more. It started before we were married (yes, I know- please no lectures) when I briefly met someone else, but he was on the rebound and it was too soon.
Went ahead anyway with my marraige, but was not sure.

25 years later still in same postion. 2 grown up DCs .

Love him as a friend and he is a kind, lovely man who loves me to death. But he does not make it happen for me in bed, or out of bed- we "get on"- he is so easy going he gets onwith anyone, but deep down are not on same wave length.

I think I have had 2 orgasms in the whole of marriage with him. Not down to his technique but down to my inability to- have now done lots of DIY and can, but not with him as there is a barrier- cannot let myself go.

I suppose I want permission to leave him- DCS will be distraught, as they are older but not employed yet- just out of uni.

I am terrified at the thought of starting over, it hurts me terribly to think how I will hurt him, but want another chance of good sex and real closeness in my life.

I think you've already thought it all through and have a good understanding of it and should indeed go and try and find what you want.

LeQ - Isn't it amazing how many people had that at their wedding?

Hi. I feel for both you and DH, there must be a constant undercurrent of frustration & disappointment running through your daily life. How sad.

Like most of your respondents before, nothrills, I'm in favour of repairing a marriage if it seems possible. I totally agree that you might be under-valuing what you have, and over-estimating what else might be available.

The other things you've said, about your differing communication styles and your intellectual frustration, are doubtless increasing your feeling of "wastedness". It's a pity you didn't pursue your counselling a bit longer, as you might have been able to separate your issues and deal with them individually. That approach is more likely to achieve long-term fulfillment, than blaming your husband for everything & sailing off to the wide blue yonder with a pocketful of dreams!

Not suggesting you might not need that trip; some adventures. Just that it seems likely you're mixing all your issues up with your resentment against your husband.

So what to do about it? Well, I'm a big fan of therapy - I actually feel everyone should do it, regardless of their 'ishoos'! As a creative communicator you will certainly gain richness in your thinking, and open new resource within yourself, by exploring your personal inner world with a qualified & sympathetic professional.

Vis-a-vis your marriage: I'd advise exploring yourself before you ditch the husband.

In terms of facilitating a smoother life at home whilst you get to know yourself better, there a few ideas you might consider. Sex is part of the marriage deal and, like it or not, there is probably both resentment on his part AND guilt on yours, for failing to meet your promises.

I wish more people in your situation would "just do it". The mind and body are interdependent - very often, when the mind inhibits the body, the body can free the mind. This is, crudely summarised, the theory behind Chinese medicine and homeopathy! Doing sex can make you want sex. If that happens, the increased intimacy can filter through to your relationship, improving things all round Worth a try, for a couple of months anyway.

Another thing you, as an adventurous & tactile peson, might try is sex therapy. Not instead of 'head' therapy, but as well as. I'm sure you'll find it rather fun & interesting to explore your responses with a trained expert. See where that leads.

It would be a shame to give up without giving your best, nothrills.

Grace you said this -The other things you've said, about your differing communication styles and your intellectual frustration, are doubtless increasing your feeling of "wastedness". It's a pity you didn't pursue your counselling a bit longer, as you might have been able to separate your issues and deal with them individually. That approach is more likely to achieve long-term fulfillment, than blaming your husband for everything & sailing off to the wide blue yonder with a pocketful of dreams

can you explain more? If you are saying that I am seaking total fulfillment- intellectual etc- through my DH rather than through my work or interests, that is not how I feel- it would be unrealistic.

Re. sex- we have resurrected this to an extent- sometimes twice a day! BUT for me, it is more about "just sex" than HIM, IYSWIM.

Thank you for taking the trouble to reply, nothrills.

That's not exactly what I was trying to say; more that I have the sense you're feeling 'overall' frustrated and are blaming your marriage rather than exploring further.

Given the perspicacity of your posts, I feel you'd benefit hugely from some serious self-exploration (both psychological & physical). Neither of us will know whether I'm right unless you choose to explore - and it's your life; your choices. I can't tell you what to do.

Grace _ I take your point and am not dismissing it outright.
However, I have done a lot of soul searching re. work etc etc. There is frustration there as I put my career on hold whilst I was a mum only ever working p/t for 20 years.

Certain doors are closed now, but others are open.

I don't know what I'd gain from counselling, given that I feel very self-aware and self-analytical already.

What I do know is that I have met men and almost ended up with men with whom I had a lot more in common/felt on the same wavelength as, almost on an instinctive level, but circumstances meant the relationships didn't progress further.

I am not even looking for anyone else TBH- if that happened, fine, but is more a case of being true to myself and not living a pretence.

I want to feel "yes!" when DH walks in the front door, not kind of "oh no", which is how it often is.

I know I would feel lonely after being together and I know he has some great qualities, but I just feel that this falls short of what I dreamed of.

If you can illuminate me further, please do!

The only point I feel confident in replying to is your one about feeling very self-analytical. I've always been very "self-aware and self-analytical" but, as you know, was eventually forced to seek counselling and have completely reversed my opinion about it. I would encourage you to give it a go. If nothing else, it will open doors you hadn't even realised were there

On the marriage front, I'd still recommend a holding position whilst learning new stuff about your own capabilities

We have this thing in the UK about "needing therapy" as if it were a sign of weakness. It isn't. We no longer have a culture of philosophy, which encourages self-examination in the wider context of society. For example, the French still have a National Philosopher and GCSEs in philosophy, concurrent with a therapeutic culture. I'm not saying the French are automatically 'better' than us, just trying to highlight an aspect of social development that we seem to have lost somewhere in Edwardian times. We used to have it. Individually, though, we can regain it.

Wrt to feeling "oh, no" when DP walks in the door - that might not change, in which case you'd be looking at a longer-term issue around your quality of life. But it's not "Help! Hide!" so you're not in a potentially abusive situation - you're in a bored situation. The reason why I advise focusing a LOT more on you, in a lot more depth, is that the relationship dynamic inevitably changes when one partner alters their perspective.

I'd say, make yourself the love of your life. Get really, intelligently interested in you ... and leave the home thing to grow or wither, depending on what develops.

Is this making any sense?

Grace- it is making some but not complete sense.

My best friend was in therapy for 5 years. It has not changed their marriage - they had couples therapy at the best place in London- and she had therapy on her own. What it did for her was to help her cope with the faults in her marriage by becoming more assertive and less tolerant- butit is still not a good marriage- no sex for years as she doesn't want him near her. He is not abusive, but emotionally cold. She is in a "waiting situation" deciding what to do next.

So what I am saying is that she is no further on, except that she has reached a space where she can exist and bide her time.

She has encouraged me to do the same re. therapy- the same as you advise.

However, I don't know what I'd gain. I do know me- I am not a youngster, not that age equates with wisdom. I had lots of relationships before this one and knew even on my wedding day that I had doubts.

I think the bottom line is- do I accept that this relationship gives me some- and quite a lot- of what I need, but in many ways does not tick certain boxes which enable me to feel "me" with another person.

I don't know how you can say "Get on with it" re. the sex. Unless it works for me emotionally and in my head, then I can't do it. The bits just don't work!

I honestly think the answer is for me to have some time out of this and see how I feel then. The other point is that I can't really afford long term therapy at £200 a month.

I appreciate your time and thoughts. Thanks!

NTAM
I am in a very similar situation to you, and although I in some ways feel bad to express this, I think you already kmow the answer to this one.

So what if you end up alone, having never found someone who you really connect to in every way, including physically? That is better than staying with someone who is so clearly not making you feel good about yourself.

Life is for living, and you must be true to yourself. Your children are old enough to understand this.

I wish you all the best
xx

Nothrills...if you're still around! Just an idle thought, as the way you describe yourself we sound quite similar on several levels.

Do you know about Myers-Briggs? If so, do you know what your 'type' is? I have been reading up about my type this evening in an effort to iron out some of my flaws, and the article I read suggested ways in which I can change the way I view other people who I clash with so as to enable me to understand them better (i.e. although I'm an intuitive and perceptive person on the whole, my personality tendency in a conflict situation is to identify myself as a victim in order to justify my anger, rather than taking a step back and regarding the other person's viewpoint more objectively).

While reading your recent posts it occurred to me that if you and I have similar personality types (I'm ENFP), this might also be one of your flaws, in which case working on this area of your personality might give you a slightly different perspective on your husband.

Also apparently ENFPs do the resentment thing big time (damn! I thought my resentment was perfectly justified ).

Still rooting for ya.