can't bear husbands depression any longer

[twinkerbell]

my husbnad has been depressed for years now, he used to be so loving and affectionate and a wondeful father and emotional rock. he seems to have slipped further and further into depression the lst 3 years or so, he took anti depressants for over a year and stopped as felt they were not working, we went to relate and he stopped going after a couple of times, I am really worried now as i am feeling desperate. I am getting so sick of him being negative and synical and trying to wave magic wands all the time, I work so hard and feel like I cant plan or look forward to anything now because I never know if he is even going to be around. I really dont think I can do this for another year. I also think i want another child, not right now but in a year or so and our daughter desperately wants a sibling and he just refuses. I don't want to leave him, I love him so much but beginning to feel like I am wastingmy life here

will he go back to his GP nad seek help, such as CBT instead of drugs?

New years eve was terrible , we usually end up watching Jools Holland with a bottle of wine or somehing with the little one in bed but this year, we sat down and at midnight we had a swig of wine and sai happy new year and I had to 'ask' him if I could have a cuddle, I said " can I have a cuddle" and I just got really upset, think it was the prospect of another year....

I told him I deserved better and couldnt keep going like this and needed some support, he said " I know I know I will have to see the Dr again I guess" but he went a few weeks ago and was suposed to go b
ack but didnt

he has just walked in so cant talk now but PLEASE any support or advice would be greatly appreciated

What happened when you went to Relate and why did you stop going?

I think you have to find the courage to make a stand.
If he won't seek the help that is out there, then you every right ot get out of your marriage. he is being unreasonable and not taking responsibility for himself and how his depression impacts on you. Selfish.

Can you help give him some goals- such as seeing his dr, going back to counselling and anything else that might help?

I think that iving with a depressed person must be like living with an alcoholic or any kind of addict- unless they want to help themselves, you can't make them. You have to eventually walkaway and make your own life,no matter how much you love them. Maybe in doing that he will realise he has got to change.

I left my depressed exDH years ago when my dd was 4 (she is now 30). He just blamed everyone else and never ever recognised that he was depressed. He died in 2004. Living with a depressed person is hell. Their selfishness is overwhelming.

OP I urge you to tell him he has to take action or you will leave him. You cannot make him better. He has to take responsibility for himself.

Please think about your own well being and that of your dd.

If he's not prepared to do anytihg about it there's nothing you can do.
How many different types of antidepressants did he try? It can take a while to find the right drug & the right dose, but they can be very helpful.

I don't know The Answer, but just wanted to say I do support you - living with someone depressed is so emotionally draining, and you have to be so strong. It isn't fair.

Do try and remember as much as possible that it isn't about you, and is an illness. Do you think the GP was helpful? If possible, like if you have any GP friends or anything, you might be able to find out if there is anyone who is especially good.

If you do have a friend to talk to, have a cup of tea with, cry over - USE them. You need it xx

Hi - know how hard it is. My dad has been depressed for years and my mum has had such a hard time (I am not sure I could have put up with it, despite my sympathy for my dad - I have also suffered from mild depression myself)

I wonder if you should go to the GP yourself and have a chat about your DH. Possibly they could call him to get him to come in again, if he missed his last appointment.

I wonder if you could also get the support of other people who are living with depressed partners (my mum has always refused to do this, but I think it might have helped her). Check out the Mind and Sane websites.

TBH, I'm not sure Relate is the right place where marital problems are the result of one person being depressed, but of course therapy might well be useful for your DH.

twinkerbell - I could have written your op 6 months ago, and probably did somewhere. We have a 2yo dd but the difference with us is that dh has flatly refused to see a doctor and blames me for his depression.

I don't have any positive advice to offer as I am on the brink of leaving (just waiting for a few practical things to be sorted) - but sometimes it just helps to know you're not on your own. I've spent 2 years fighting for us to find a way to stay together but I had a revelation before Christmas when I confided to a friend who pointed out that if I was with an alcoholic who refused to get treatment I wouldn't hesitate to leave. Yes, depression is an illness but it is treatable although it may take several attempts with different treatments.

I agree with sticky - find a close friend or 2 to help you through - it's hard to get persepctive on your own relationship when you're in the middle of it. Hugs to you and I hope it works out one way or the other.

thankyou so much for all the posts. To be honest I have thought about leaving him and I did actually see someone else 'although literally a couple of times'. I just got so fed up with coming to this house and the atmoshpere and his constant sighing and I feel like there is a big cloud over me when I walk in sometimes. got a little too close to someone I work with. I also have an ex who is always persistent about loving me/wanting me etc but I do really love my husband, so its all meaningless and I would be devastated if the marriage ended. However, I did feel very sad at my friends the other day who is pregnant and I was quite sad insisde that I wont be able to have that. He is too down on the world and says its not fair to have more children and bring them into this crap.
I try to talk to him and say that i will have no choice but to leave as I cant live my life like this, but I think he knows that I wont, I can't afford to for a start.

Have a look at the practical side of getting rid of Mr WHinyarse (because a depressive who won't seek help is a whinyarse and a parasite). You matter, too, the world does not revolve around his feelings. Does he work, or is he too depressed for that? If you get rid of him and you have DC you will get help, tax credits, etc and it will be better than spending your life with someone metaphorically pissing on your chips every day.

Well goodness me SolidGold. I really hope you never have to experience the despair of severe long-term depression.

Actually there are lots of reasons why depressed people 'won't' or can't seek help:

1. They may be so depressed they are immobilised. Meaning they just don't have the motivation to access help.

1. They may just believe that nothing can help anyway.

1. They may believe they are not worthy of help and deserve to feel this way - because depression often goes hand in hand with low self-worth.

HOWEVER, this does not mean that your feelings are not equally important Twinkerbell, and if you've had enough, you've had enough. No-one should judge you for that. You have a right to pursue your own happiness.

Best of luck with whatever you decide to do.

MYODD: While the depressive may not be entirely able to help it, that doesn't mean that other people in the household just have to put up with it indefinitely, nor is it a complete get-out-of-jail-free card, which some people seem to feel entitled to use it as. It sounds like the OP has tried just about everything and her H is refusing to get help for himself, which means his behaviour is impacting badly on the rest of the family and it's time for her to put herself and the DC first.

SGB I do often admire your ability to tell it like it is, but depression isn't that simple. It IS bloody hard to live with, but if a female MNer came on here to talk about being depressed and being too scared or self-loathing to seek treatment, she would get sympathy and rightly so.

I do actually think OP that if long-term he won't seek treatment, you will need to leave, for your own sanity and happiness and that of your DC. But there is a middle way - you can explain to him that you cannot go on if he won't sort this out, and this isn't your illness to cure, but his and his doctor's. If at all possible, discuss whether he could move out and live with parents, a friend or independently while he gets treatment. Treatment may involve working through several ADs to find what works for him and long-term psychotherapy/counselling as well.

I don't have time atm to tell you my whole story but I speak as someone whose partner has been through severe, life-threatening depression and we ended up living apart for two years - but he did get help, he did recover and although I'm aware he may always have that tendency, he has been healthy and happy for many years now, and I don't regret staying with him. But you do need to look after and protect yourself.

Please as a starting point also get this book, and you may also find the associated website and forums useful here.

Yep, SGB. Yes we can understand when people are depressed, having problems, not coping etc etc etc. Of course we can.....but.....people have to at some point, reach out and ask for help and carry it through. Hardly any situations are impossible and one person or a family having their the life sucked out of them because of someone elses lack of facing up to their problem is very, very sad indeed.

At worst, it is selfish, depression or not.

I may be reading the OP wrong but the impression I get is that the H is capable of holding down a job so not completely paralysed by his depression, just prefers not to seek help while he can blight his partner's life and feed his ego that way.

I did say that the op has every right to get out and pursue her own happiness if she's had enough. It sounds to me as if her own sanity might depend on it, and that's completely fair dos, especially with a dependent child to consider.

However, to label people suffering from a debilitating mental illness whinyarses, parasites, and egotists, because for some reason they are not accessing treatment, is unhelpful to say the least.

Nobody enjoys being depressed.

Marriage is more than just a romantic party. The "in sickness and in health" part of the wedding are tough.

I think the OP needs support. Maybe she should contact her husband's GP and tell him/her what is going on. Or the charity MIND helps the family of those affected mental illness. The OP needs to get moral support from people in RL rather taking the burden all on her own.

If a MN posted that she has considering divorcing her husband because he had cancer, was refusing chemotheraphy then she would be quite rightly flamed. Mental illness is real.

To be fair, "if a female MNer came on here to talk about being depressed and being too scared or self-loathing to seek treatment, she would get sympathy and rightly so", indeed, but she would also get a lot of serious urging to seek and stick with treatment. And if she kept coming on week after week complaining but still not going to her GP, she would eventually get short shrift. Some dead horses are no longer worth flogging. Just a general comment mind you (before you ask, I've had depression, stopped the meds off my own bat and had to crawl back onto them, so yes, I have some experience).

Twinkerbell, how horrible for you. I'm a depressive and even I can't stand living with me when I'm on a down!!

This might be a bit long - it's partly for DH, as I empathise, and partly for you as I've got a story to tell you.

From the POV of someone with this life-sucking condition, I'd like to tell your DH that it is worth going back to the doctor's. I know how hard it is: you feel like there's no point anyway. Everything makes you tired in your bones, the doctor doesn't care, the meds don't work and who the hell wants to say "I've got a mental illness"??!

Anti-depressants work. But they take AT LEAST six weeks to start working, and most people have to try a few different ones before they find the one (or the right combination) for them personally. I had to try six different assortments, but I was in such a state it was an effort not to top myself every day.

It's worth it because it's so great when the sun comes back out. Getting up in the morning, without immediately thinking how crap everything is, is a blessed relief. And when you get back to mornings you can actually enjoy; when things make you smile just because, and small problems are small again: life feels just that much easier & pleasanter

Some doctors are about as clued-up on depression as some of Twinks's respondents above. This isn't helpful. If yours is a pull-yourself-together merchant, you may have to claim you feel suicidal (the term is "suicidal ideation", which means you make plans as to how you could kill yourself). If your doctor's better than that but you hate admitting how rubbish you feel, write it all down - I mean, the very worst, negative parts - and take it with you. I had to do that, as I kept going in and saying "Oh, I'm okay really". Rolls eyes at self.

Twinkerbell, I've been 'talking' to man on another forum whose wife left him. It turns out she had some worrying issues of her own, but that's not my point. He identified his depression as the reason why she left him - went to the doctor, started taking better care of himself, and is an absolute joy to hear from these days. Anyone would be glad to marry him! Here's his thread: Wedgewood on 2-in-2-1

Sending you both my very best

This is really hard - my dh has had minor depression and mine is major - hospital standard!

Yet we both promised "in sickness and in health".

I don't know if OP is still reading in, but if you are I have a few insights from living with similar problems from dh.

Mental illness is not like a physical illness -- people with cancer do not routinely turn down treatment, and if they do they die, so you are not really talking here about years and years stretching ahead of no chance of change. Other people have long term chronic illnesses, but they generally seek the best treatment they can get.

And that is the frustrating thing I have found about mental illness, and I think you are finding too. If I could look at my husband and say "he is doing absolutely everything in his power to get better, or at least be the best he can be" I could put up with a lot more. But he wants me (the strong one, the grounded one) to be his therapist, carer, talk to him endlessly about all the minutae of his life, organise a routine for him, give him lots of time off at weekend etc. But guess what?? I am his wife, and none of the above, and I have needs too, not least not to live with a constant black cloud who actually now makes me feel depressed and, as my GP pointed out recently as he prescribed me sleeping pills "don't forget you are the well one"

Depressed partners make will eventually make you depressed or something worse (like run off with chirpy fishmonger -- i have been tempted), and someone has to look after the dcs. I have set my dh an ultimatum that he gets help or moves out by end of January. He is furious and says I have totally let him down. I feel relieved......

I do take a lot of these points... but re the work thing, my DP held down a job, and his work was actually vital to him during his breakdown as it gave him an outside focus and status. It helped a lot that his work is flexible and people there were very understanding, but it's not true to say that if you're working, you can't be seriously depressed. (He was most definitely very seriously depressed, suicidal and had several professionals working with him - I'm not using "depressed" lightly).

Depression is complicated and extremely difficult to handle. I do agree that you can't go on indefinitely just putting up with a depressive who isn't getting help - it's too hard and very bad for your DC. But you can act in ways that will stop you enabling and engaging with the crap behaviour that comes with depression, and protect yourself while helping the person see a way out. That is what that book I linked to is about and I really credit it with getting me through (and that would be true whether or not the relationship had survived).

If you are living with a depressive then get yourself help and support.

www.sane.org.uk/

www.mind.org.uk/