can't bear husbands depression any longer

[twinkerbell]

my husbnad has been depressed for years now, he used to be so loving and affectionate and a wondeful father and emotional rock. he seems to have slipped further and further into depression the lst 3 years or so, he took anti depressants for over a year and stopped as felt they were not working, we went to relate and he stopped going after a couple of times, I am really worried now as i am feeling desperate. I am getting so sick of him being negative and synical and trying to wave magic wands all the time, I work so hard and feel like I cant plan or look forward to anything now because I never know if he is even going to be around. I really dont think I can do this for another year. I also think i want another child, not right now but in a year or so and our daughter desperately wants a sibling and he just refuses. I don't want to leave him, I love him so much but beginning to feel like I am wastingmy life here

Marine - you are so right about the meds. It took several tries before my dad's were right, and he had a GP who was good enough to refer him to a Psychiatrist.

go back to gp try differnt AD -consider med review.sometimes you have to try a few to get the right ad,medication can make a improvement and give a boost

light general exercise eg walk
some structured avtivity eg reading,cinema
good diet.lots veg

depression is a debilitating illness which impacts upon family and daily functioning.clinical depression cannot be snapped out of it is adep chemical imbalance impacting on all aspects of life.your gp could refer for counselling but waiting list are long

what about cmht referral?they may know of activities and support locally
MIND also organise support stuff too

hope thins work out

if you want to carry on living with him (caring for him) you need regular breaks - can he go off to relatives or friends for weekends every month? can you go off to friends with your child?

if you cannot have a life separate from the black cloud then life becomes more and more miserable - the anne sheffield book has a good chapter on children of a depressed parent - one thing that stands out is the research pointing out they will be more prone to depression in later life - but it can be mitigated if they have "breaks" and lot s of time with positive upbeat people...

it is your choice to stay or not.

yes i get those saying he lacks impetus to get "help" but it is catch 22 - if he simply stopped anti-d's beacuse they "werent working" - then he made that decision andcould have made decision to try something else...

agree with others who say mental illness is not the same as facing cancer etc... also "depression" is sometimes tied up with other elements of personality.

however, if he truly has undergone a personality change (from affectionate loving etc) to a selfish person with depression - then there may be "hope" for recovery..but three years is a looong time...

i also lived with depressed, black cloud negativity....he got worse and worse and literally exploded violently to himself and me adn my son - but in my counselling i also realised he had many personality traits which i could not handle - which i had put down to his depression and excused him...

it is never simple.

the point is you have given it three years. now is time to decide how you want to play it. you have your life, your child has theirs to live.

read up on setting boundaries (eg i will ony listen to moans for ten minutes) on the depression fallout board, think about getting routine and regular breaks from "caring", and spending happy quality time with your child....around positive people. while he can seek support from others....

incidentally i have come to realise that I and what I do have no impact on his depression - he suffered major depression while living with us as a family; now he doesnt live with us as a family and is going thru a depressive phase, saying if only we were together he would be fine...clearly illogical as his major depression occured while we were living together.

whether you stay with him or not - that in itself will neither cure nor cause his depression. sure if you leave he may get more depressed - but it might be what he needs to really seek help...or not...

my ex for example, has not told some of his friends who could help him - he has just dropped off xmas cards from people i know he has seen in past two years - addressed to him and me together. a bit creepy really.
one i have written to (address was in card) to say very simply "we are separated since april 2008,this is my address" if they contact him, support him - so much the better for him.

we = me and kids have so much more laughter and "freedom" since we separated...

you do have a choice in this

What a great, balanced post cestlavielife.

I was on AD's many years ago, when I lived abroad. I had a wonderful doctor who told me to take a Berocca every morning as well as my AD as it would give me a slight lift.

Just wondering tinkerbell - did he lose interest in you sexually as well? My dh used to be affectionate and very interested in sex, and now he's completely void of both. Haven't had a physical relationship with my dh for so long that I don't even want to talk about it. It's extremely hard to live with, I've been depressed before so I know how insular and self-centred you become, but now that my dh has depression it's just astounded me how different he is. No interest in affection, no interest in sex, negative about everything. I seriously think he must be having an affair sometimes because I feel so shut out, but he swears he's not and has offered to let me discuss it with his doctor. I feel like I'm just living with a roommate instead of a husband and don't know how much longer I can go with no affection whatsoever.