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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

In love with a lying, violent married man!

27 replies

whatamug · 01/01/2010 19:27

I have been in a relationship with a married man who I also work with for the last year. We started our affair when my DH left me. He took advantage of my vunerable state, I was desperate for some love and affection and needed the attention.

He could not get enough of me, even to the extent of almost stalking me. Said his marriage was loveless, I made him feel alive.

He sent texts morning, noon and nite, staying over 3 x week - He left his wife and 2 x DD's in the summer for a week, but when he went home to talk, he never came back.

A week later he started to text again, we started to see each other again.

During our time together he was aggressive, jealous and violent towards me. Told me I was not to speak to any men at work and told me what I was allowed to wear. If men spoke to me at work I would be subjected to verbal and violent abuse when we got home at night.

After the third attack and hiding bruises, I warned him I would tell the Police next time.

He left his wife in August and we have been together until Xmas when after an office party he became drunk and violent towards me because men had talked to me or danced near me, and attacked me on the way home when the Police had to be involved.

That night he returned home to his wife!

The week before Xmas he text me, telling me he loved me, had told his wife this, wanted to be my husband and cud not live without me. Begged me to take him back.

I met him a couple of times after Xmas and we had sex - he went home, returned to his wife and has not been in touch since.

During the 12 month affair he never spent a penny on me. I paid for everything, even a holiday, which on our return, when the plane hit the tarmac, he dumped me and went home! Again a week later, he text and wanted me back.

He even took me to meet his mother for the weekend - sat holding my hand and kissing me in front of her! What was all that about?

I have resigned from my job - I have lost face at work after the party. I have no job, no money and he is back with his wife, still working and no doubt acting like nothing is wrong at all.

I know taking someone's husband was wrong, and even if he text now, I would say come round. I cant help myself! I have lost the plot, why do I want him so bad when he treats me like dirt? I even saw a text message on his blackberry to another women!

Last nite I did'nt think I would survive - a new year's eve totally alone and distraught! I got what I deserve I know, just wish he would too!

OP posts:
Ewe · 01/01/2010 19:30

Sounds like you're well shot of him! We all make mistakes, just put it behind you, delete his number, reject all his calls. Make your new years resolution about having respect for yourself, you clearly don't have much at present so start working on that and whatever you do, don't take the arsehole back.

Do you have children?

Doodlez · 01/01/2010 19:31

Erm - I'm no expert but it sounds like he's better than nothing in your mind. I'd prefer nothing meself!

It's time YOU sorted YOU out. It's time YOU got a grip on YOUR life as an individual.

Having a bloke is not essential. It can wait, until YOU have re-built your life and your self-esteem. You are worth so much more than this dick-ead, so, so much more.

OtterMingOo · 01/01/2010 19:33

You sound like a very silly woman.

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 01/01/2010 19:34

Just delete his number and block him. He is using you for an easy lay as well as knocking you about. Nice.

Mamulik · 01/01/2010 20:08

Go and find yourself a job, every woman needs to be independent!

whatamug · 01/01/2010 20:10

I have children but they are grown and gone, then my DH left and I am frightened to be on my own. Never been on my own before. Thought until DH left my life was fine and new were it was going.

Now I am clinging to a married man who seems to be the only life line I have.

Told you I had lost the plot!!

Thanks for the comments - I do know I am a silly woman - dont know why I am on self destruct, just cant help myself - I believe everyword he says, his wife obviusly does cos shes taken him back again! Two silly women and one man who thinks he is god's gift to women. Wish I could turn my emotions off, I dont eat or sleep, just think of him.

OP posts:
ChloeHandbag · 01/01/2010 20:14

Go get yourself some counselling and tell yourself that 2010 is your turnaround year.

GroundHoHoHogs · 01/01/2010 20:19

OK, as utterly contemptuous as I find women who would be with MM, I am not here to berate you.

You do know what you need to do, leave him alone, and don't look back. Oh, and print this post off so you can remind yourself of what a prize prick he is.

Please consider last night, the new beginning of a new year, to be YOUR new start. BIN your bloody phone, go out and buy another. cut all ways that shite can contact you, because he'll either destroy what is left of your life or actually end up killing you.

Make a vow that this time next year, you will NOT be sat at home, feeling sorry for yourself. Get yourself a job, get a new life and never EVER look back. You have touched rock bottom in 2009, the only way now is UP! Go for it!

Consider this a lucky escape, that man would be the death of you.

CreditCrunchie · 01/01/2010 20:19

Seriously,

STOP it, STOP IT NOW - stay away from that nasty loon and get yourself together!! I have EVERY sympathy for your situation, but its only going to get worse if you don't put your foot down.

You have a massive challenge ahead for the New Year in rebuilding your self esteem and finding work as well as being rid of that toxic idiot - don't look back, even for a second.

Power and strength to you

CreditCrunchie · 01/01/2010 20:22

"Great minds.." HoHoHogs...

JaynieB · 01/01/2010 20:25

Please take the advice offered here - you are worth more than this man is giving and you could end up seriously hurt.
Get some support, counselling might be a really good idea - this man is bad news.
Being on your own is no bad thing really - honestly! Take care of yourself.

SpeedyGonzalez · 01/01/2010 20:26

whatamug, I cannot think of any sound reason why I would even START a relationship with such a man let alone continue it and still pine for him. I can only imagine doing so if I had a horrifically low opinion of myself. Do you think you might be the same?

I suggest you start discovering how wonderful you actually are, work on the bits that you're not happy about and make sure you realise that you deserve far better than to be trodden on by such a miscreant. NEVER have any contact with this man again. He will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever change. He will destroy you. Don't let him.

BigBadMummy · 01/01/2010 20:32

Read your post in the third person.

What advice would you give that woman?

He doesn't respect you or love you. And that is the minimum you should have in a relationship.

Delete his number.

Be strong

Have a vision of yourself this time next year, without this man. Respecting yourself and being in a place emotionally where you can love and be loved.

Keep us posted.

LadyBlaBlah · 01/01/2010 20:32

This might put you off

www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/crime/article6972098.ece

SantaClausImWorthIt · 01/01/2010 20:34

I think you need to start a relationship with yourself.

You are worth so much more than this, and you must, must, must realise that!

GenieoftheTramp · 01/01/2010 21:12

Christ.

This must be a wind up, no-one could be that stupid.

BelleDameSansMerci · 01/01/2010 21:18

You need to look at what is driving you to want to continue something which is hurting you on so many levels. Why do you dislike yourself so much that you would let this man treat you so badly?

ZZZenAgain · 01/01/2010 21:27

I'd be more frightened being with a man like that : "aggressive, violent and jealous" than being alone tbh.

You know well enough that this man is no prize, don't you? Just exercise some willpower any way you need to and get rid of him. Sounds like a sexual dependency to me. When you get clear of it, you'll look back and wonder how on earth you could have got involved with him.

SolidGoldpiginablanket · 01/01/2010 23:19

What you need is a decent counsellor and some good feminist books to read. This worthless tosspot is not the answer, you will find all sorts of better answers in the future. You need to fix yourself, because you matter much more than he does.

NanaNina · 02/01/2010 00:39

Whatamug - you could buy a book from Amazon called "Women who Love Too Much" - it's quite old now but worth a read. Agree with others that you need a decent counsellor to help you explore what is behind your dependence on men like this - my guess is it is all rooted in childhood as most of our fears and anxieties are. I think you need to concentrate on YOU and get the help you need, rather than obsessing about this awful bloke. Easier said than done I know. Can you afford to pay for counselling? If not the GP may be able to refer you to an NHS counsellor.

dittany · 02/01/2010 00:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheQuibbler · 02/01/2010 00:58

What NanaNina said. Counselling, counselling, counselling. Do whatever you need to get it.

This is not the behaviour of someone who values themselves.

Go get help. You will come understand that you are worth more than this.

And you won't want him anywhere near you.

whatamug · 03/01/2010 12:33

I have changed my mobile number but he sent a text very early yesterday morning to my work phone which I have not returned yet, saying "hope you r ok X".

I feel even worse now. I did want him to text, but I feel he sent it knowing full well it will upset me more.

Off to see GP tomorrow for help.

Thank you.

OP posts:
Heqet · 03/01/2010 12:44

You love a man who beats you, you are not married to him, trapped with him or dependant on him, but you want to be?

Oh love, I can't imagine how low your self-esteem is to actually seek out this life for yourself.

Hope gp appt can get you some help.

mumonthenet · 03/01/2010 21:27

you say you can't help yourself. You are wrong.

You CAN help yourself! You've already taken the first step which is to come on here. You've now taken the second step which is to plan to see your GP

Delete his number. Take control. Of yourself. Of your future.

The man should be in jail. He is the pits.

You, on the other hand, were just a lonely vulnerable woman. But soon you won't be.

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