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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Clarity on type of abuse this is...?

65 replies

BeamsofLight · 01/01/2010 12:09

I have just been "dumped" i guess from a year long relationship that commenced very quickly after his ex left him and their baby.

His ex had protested his access rights to his son for reasons that were brought clear to me as the relationship developed.

Although he has not physically assaulted me - apart from throwing a bag, smashing my new i phone etc etc. He has blamed his mistrust issues on minor inconsistencies that he cant get out of his head, eg when i said I had eaten nothing and had a biscuit - it wasnt a lie it was a mistake!

I am a professional woman with a very good career in Education ahead of me and when he just decided the paranoia and gossip he had heard he concluded this was down to me.

He then called my ex husband, my friends, my boss, my father to state that i needed psychiatric help. he thinks hes the next messiah and probably a psychiatrist too.

I am a little concerned as he has manipulated the situation with his ex so badly and destroyed her good name - also a very professional woman by indicating everything was lies. I see clearly that its not. I believe this has been an extreme form of intimidation - but no black eyes makes this hard to clarify!

His ex who will remain a good friend of mine introduced me to this site. I have since withdrawn my character reference that he manipulated and charmed me into and I am slightly concerned as to his next move. ALthough i am educated to masters degree level he is far more academically intelligent than I am.

Any thoughts..............

OP posts:

Anniegetyourgun · 02/01/2010 17:19

I was wondering whether he was cold-blooded enough to deliberately start an affair with a work colleague in order to get a positive character reference. It backfired because the silly man couldn't behave himself for a little longer, until it was too late to withdraw it. Not quite as clever as he thinks he is, which is just as well. (He's in education too? Chilling...)

mellish · 02/01/2010 17:46

I feel that may have been orchestrated too.......the whole thing will fall apart if i expose him, i havent simply withdrawn the reference. Does nt make me feel very good. My Doctor said the same why is he still teaching? i said that all the allegations were nt proved. THis is all clarity and cathartic thank u xx

Anniegetyourgun · 02/01/2010 17:50

Sorry, didn't mean to kick you in the self esteem when you are obviously feeling bad enough at the moment. Please forgive yourself for having fallen for a charming, ruthless man. There really is a lot of it about. You're doing the right thing now, that's what matters.

mellish · 02/01/2010 18:21

no no annie you didnt kick me in the teeth i dod it to myself, bit is am not ugly or nothing going for me just feel really deceived and esteem nil, on fluoxetine for the last 3 months for anxiety and confidence x

mathanxiety · 04/01/2010 20:49

No you didn't do this to yourself, Mellish. This was all done to you, and has been done to lots of other people by this kind of man. It's absolutely no reflection on you at all. When you feel really deceived and your self esteem is in the toilet, you have been the victim of someone very cruel and warped, someone who would do the same to his own granny if he thought he could gain by it. They behave like this with everyone so don't take it personally IYSWIM there wasn't any big painted-on target on you for any particular reason other than you are a woman with a pulse.

mellish · 05/01/2010 15:37

thanks so much i am dreading tomorrow, i sent a few angry texts over the hols ages ago and i asked my solicitor she says its defamamtion but if he get letter he will either back off or be 10 times worse am scared am backing down and hopin there will be no more xxxxxx

mellish · 05/01/2010 15:39

why am i feeling so desperate again............god help me

mathanxiety · 05/01/2010 15:50

If he steps over any lines, he will be seen for what he is, though and you will be vindicated. He doesn't rule the world; he is trying to convince you that he is not subject to the law of the land, but this is what they do, and while he may sincerely believe he is special in some way and the law doesn't apply to him, fact is his words and actions will be seen in the same light as everyone else's. He will be held to the same standards. It's easy to live in a state of dread when you've been victimised by someone like your bf, because probably the whole relationship consisted of him conditioning you in a very subtle way to get under his thumb, have your life revolve around him, and doubt your own perceptions, convictions and rights. They can be very convincing when they switch from relationship mode to intimidation, but try to be brave sooner or later they run up against the law.

ItsGraceAgain · 05/01/2010 16:09

Mellish, please keep re-reading what mathanxiety has written to you.

There are bad people in this world. They do bad things that hurt us.

Bad things can happen to us, it's no more your fault than any other random calamity.

Try thinking about it as if you'd been, say, caught in an earthquake! There's no way you 'asked' the ground to shake; the earthquake didn't choose you. It just happened.

Had it been a physical disaster like an earthquake, it might have left you injured. You'd have your injuries to tend to, and a recovery to make. This is the psychological equivalent.

He is NOT justified in any way. He's a human earthquake
Be glad you got out of it alive! Start recovering.

Good luck

mellish · 05/01/2010 16:24

thanks again, im just getting so nervous i phoned solicitor today i have a letter ready in reserve but he will react 10 times worse to that and he comes across so rational and convincing while i feel an emotional wreck right now. i hate him

mathanxiety · 05/01/2010 16:27

Grace, it really is like getting caught in a natural disaster of some kind, and saving yourself is the number one priority, gathering whatever is most precious to you and just putting it all behind you as quickly as possible.

Usually a letter from a solicitor is a huge reality check for this kind of person. Obviously he has been in contact with the legal system before wrt his ex wife and the baby, so he knows his charms don't really fly there. Plus, his ex wife was believed and he wasn't in his previous run-in. He also knows on some level, that he needs to tread very carefully with regard to you -- if he does anything criminal, especially in the dv line, his access case will go up in smoke. People like this are very cunning and they look out for their own interests first and last. It's not in his interests to retaliate against you in any way that would make him appear in a bad light. You have an advantage over him in that he has a lot of irons in the fire right now, legally speaking.

mellish · 05/01/2010 17:42

guess what have basically had pleading texts now! he destroyed his ex w reputation but if i speak out he loses all credibiltiy.

feel much better again i do have lots of advantages

mathanxiety · 05/01/2010 18:00

Save all the texts, even the pleading ones. He will blow hot and cold, looking for some approach that works, and showing how his moods swing and he can veer from nice to nasty might help you -- he'll end up looking unhinged, best case scenario.

MinkyBorage · 05/01/2010 21:52

no idea if you're interested, but your thread reminds me a bit of this thread

mellish · 05/01/2010 22:55

thank you all yeah he is like that .........its frustrating!

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