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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Clarity on type of abuse this is...?

65 replies

BeamsofLight · 01/01/2010 12:09

I have just been "dumped" i guess from a year long relationship that commenced very quickly after his ex left him and their baby.

His ex had protested his access rights to his son for reasons that were brought clear to me as the relationship developed.

Although he has not physically assaulted me - apart from throwing a bag, smashing my new i phone etc etc. He has blamed his mistrust issues on minor inconsistencies that he cant get out of his head, eg when i said I had eaten nothing and had a biscuit - it wasnt a lie it was a mistake!

I am a professional woman with a very good career in Education ahead of me and when he just decided the paranoia and gossip he had heard he concluded this was down to me.

He then called my ex husband, my friends, my boss, my father to state that i needed psychiatric help. he thinks hes the next messiah and probably a psychiatrist too.

I am a little concerned as he has manipulated the situation with his ex so badly and destroyed her good name - also a very professional woman by indicating everything was lies. I see clearly that its not. I believe this has been an extreme form of intimidation - but no black eyes makes this hard to clarify!

His ex who will remain a good friend of mine introduced me to this site. I have since withdrawn my character reference that he manipulated and charmed me into and I am slightly concerned as to his next move. ALthough i am educated to masters degree level he is far more academically intelligent than I am.

Any thoughts..............

OP posts:
Mariannedreams · 01/01/2010 18:59

Stop trying to win. That's what he is trying to do as well. Let it go, once he senses you don't care enough to have a complex intellectual argument about it he will get bored.

As for the pride i believe the term you are looking for is 'cut your losses'

you'll have to leave this dick eventually so better now really, though it will hurt.

mellish · 01/01/2010 21:05

Absolutely, i will have no contact with him, its the withdrawal of the reference i provided him from court i am concerned at. when he finds out that i have done that he will be capable of anything. That reference hinges as to whether he will have access to his son.

Morally i feel i have done the bold corect thing I cant stand by and allow his sons relationship with his mother be destroyed as a result of his crusades.

He will be raging x

Flightattendant · 02/01/2010 07:36

Yes I can understand how frightening that must be, however I still believe that a bully needs a victim and if you JUST DON'T care what he thinks any more, and he sees you are not afraid of him (hard to pretend I know) then he won't be all that iyswim.

Believe me I tried it.

Most people like him are cowards.
They don't know what to do when faced by a total brick wall. He will only be getting anything out of being angry with you if he thinks it will frighten you or make you 'sorry' but if you have already dismissed him as a completely worthless and unimportant knobhead, who can't possibly have any bearing on your life, because he is so laughable, then he will find a way to save face which prob means a few threats and then disappearing (we hope)

Nobody carries on intimidating if it's just making their 'victim' laugh.

You need to get started on building that wall inside your head. Talk to as many people as possible about him and get with the dismissal. They will all agree with you that he is a joke.

Ignore, ignore, ignore - unless it does start to frighten you, in which case all you do is contact the police and report each and every incident in detail. You can ask them not to contact him at this stage, they will still keep a record, and then if he does get slightly dangerous or you feel it is time you ask them to step in, they will have a list of everything he has already done.

I hope this helps. Keep coming here and being reassured what a loser he is - it does help. You'll be fine, he's not your responsibility and nobody can ever force you to be remotely involved with him on any level any more - thank goodness no shared children. You are FREE.

Flightattendant · 02/01/2010 07:41

Also, if he wants access to his son that badly, he can go try and get a reference from someone else. It isn't up to you. Surely if he is as great as he wants them to believe, he must have other friends willing to testify to this? If not that's his problem.

Think you were brave, and right, to do it btw - maybe lie about it if possible, or laugh it off if you need to say anything - I found polite nonchalance was my best friend. Broken record -

him: 'what did I do thatw as so bad anyway?'

you: 'Oh golly, well do you want a list? There was the time...'

him: 'No, NO thanks I believe you..' x

mellish · 02/01/2010 12:04

THank you i will keep here for the support..........he works in my team grrr i know my refernece willimpinge on him getting further access.

good idea about involving the police at this stage so that in future there is a record.

EcoMouse · 02/01/2010 12:17

Please do see a solicitor, he has commited a crime in civil law of slander, via malicious allegations, several times over.

A non molestation order (a type of injunction used in DV cases - which this is) will help to protect you, particularly given your expectation of further negative behaviour once he realises you have retracted your reference.

I think you ought to seek this immediately. It means if he steps out of line or makes any moves towards you, the police will have to react immediately and will be empowered (via the supportive order) to take action against him.

mellish · 02/01/2010 12:21

THank you EcoMouse i definitely anticipate further behaviour.... im caught between devil and deep blue sea x

EcoMouse · 02/01/2010 12:22

...and keep a record of all communication he makes with you. Don't engage with him, you owe him absolutely nothing!

mellish · 02/01/2010 12:24

oh thank you, i was pleading with him as it was just before christmas and am scared he has kept all those texts and will say am a woman scorned.......... thats what he did with his ex. am so glad am free x

Katisha · 02/01/2010 12:24

The other thing to understand is that he will believe himself - narcissists like him live in their own version of reality. This is why they can fool psychiatrists and counsellors. It's not that they are "convincing" them of a pack of lies - they actually truly believe their own versions of events. You can't get them to understand anyone else's point of view, and certainly not your own.

You need to get things in place - see solicitor, speak to work etc - if you have to work with him on a daily basis you will definitely need to have management on board, or at least aware that all is not what it seems as far as he is concerned.

He will move onto someone else pretty quickly, unfortunately for them...

EcoMouse · 02/01/2010 12:29

You are doing the right thing, absolutely! It's hard to stand up in the face of his type of behaviour. He's arrogant and believe me, this arrogance will trip him up in the end.

Make moves to protect yourself and remove from him the power and control he thinks he has. He wont like it one bit - but you're making sure there's sod all he can do about it

Again, do not engage directly with him, at all! All that is likely to happen is that you will inadvertantly furnish his stockpile of manipulative tactics with tidbits of information he will twist to suit his purpose.

mellish · 02/01/2010 12:32

i have no doubts Katisha that you are right with that, I know he believes everyone else is wrong. Hwe will have began on his next victim that Im sure.

I am mangement i have them on board and he does not realise the extent to which i do. Thats another reason I am a bit scared.

He totally believes himself but fortunately for me he has history, already has a restraining order against him, harassment charges etc that he has managed to weedle his way out of and make his ex look the liar.

she has been of great support to me x

mellish · 02/01/2010 12:35

yes and am thinking if i do that it may enrage him more..maybe am better just leaving it I have given very little away to the sherrif, simply that i cant support the character reference with no further comments.

He may not want to draw attention any more??

im just in a state of uncertainty x

mellish · 02/01/2010 12:45

any msn welcome xx

EcoMouse · 02/01/2010 12:46

Do not do nothing! You are a sitting duck.

He wont want to draw any more attention to himself but he can not help himself. He will find a way.

You can not expect reasonable behaviour from him in any sense, he is a dysfunctional being. You can't second guess him but you can take responsibility for your own safety and do all you can to ensure it.

hbfac · 02/01/2010 12:48

Just to point out, Mellish, everyone does NOT believe this man. The restraining order means that he most certainly was not believed. And as you say, he has form re. harassment.

I know you believed him, for a while, and I guess the shock of the implications of that are ... intense. But clearly, as he progresses on the course he seems to have chosen, it's going to become more and more evident to others what he is like.

Btw, how is his exW doing? I do hope she has enough support. As I read your posts, I find I worry for her. He's been unpleasant enough to you, but my guess is that, as the exW, as mother of the dc, as someone who has sought to limit his control (over herself and the dc), and as someone who has offered support to his latest victim, she may well be the one his actually in his headlights. And will be in his headlights for some time to come.

Hope it all works out.

And keep on not texting him!

mellish · 02/01/2010 12:54

Yes am going to try support his ex w too she has a baby thats only 2, his crusade was 50% custody you see. She absolutely did the right thing and he told me she was narcisstic!!!!! Bizarre

THe power and control began to crumble because I made contact with her....hes unsure.

You are right I wont be a sitting duck! His exw is damaged he has destroyed her and squashed her spirit - problem is his challenge is against strong independen women. He told me she took him to court out of spite as she wanted him back! mESSIAH INDEED

I have not etxt him last text i sent him was to say doc had provided letter to say I do not require psychiatric help...that was 30th.

He has not been in touch since - he will be awaiting for me to chase him which i will not do.

EldritchCleaver · 02/01/2010 13:23

Mel,
Keep a record of any contact he has with you, especially any threats. Keep texts and voice mails etc, as evidence if needed. If he tries to intimidate you into giving that reference, report it to police as an attempt to pervert the course of justice.

Oh, and do fight the sense of embarrassment. It must be really hard, but hold your head up whatever he does or says. If he gives out personal information about you or makes allegations, people will probably be disapproving and a lot more sceptical than you fear. You can't fool all of the people all of the time, and certainly not with his history.

mellish · 02/01/2010 13:28

aw thanks for that.........i hate my personal busines bein in the professional domain..........

autumnlight · 02/01/2010 14:01

He sounds similarly narcissistic to my H who also does the 'she is crazy' slander with other people. It is also very difficult with these people to not become obsessed with what THEIR next move is. Think of yourself - that is all they do.

autumnlight · 02/01/2010 14:11

My H has convinced his solicitor that 'I am the abuser' and he is threatening me with a non-molestation order. He will then have more control as he will be able to treat me badly and manipulate me and never have to deal with the consequences of treating someone badly as he will have a court order to use against me.

autumnlight · 02/01/2010 14:42

The problem is these people do not and will not even recognise how they are - and no matter what you say they will never take the blame. It is like banging your head against a brick wall.

mellish · 02/01/2010 14:54

Autumn that ix exactly what he told me about his ex and at the end of my tetehr i pulled his hair after months of unfounded accusations and thats why he will say that! His ex feels he can do whatever he like to her and noone believes her. Hopefullyu that will all change.

He only has interest for people that do look up to him and think hes messiah - mostly women.

i think he really believes its me with the problem, im trying to listen to radiohead just now Karma Police!

mathanxiety · 02/01/2010 16:35

"yes and am thinking if i do that it may enrage him more..maybe am better just leaving it I have given very little away to the sherrif, simply that i cant support the character reference with no further comments.

He may not want to draw attention any more??

im just in a state of uncertainty x"

Please don't waver this is very hard, but stay strong. You have to trust the legal process here, and use it to the utmost. You have a huge amount going for you, not least that this kind of person truly does not see himself as others see him. They have no sense of perspective and that is what trips them up in the end. You have been drawn into the drama of his crazy life to the extent that he has made you doubt yourself quite a bit, live in fear in your own workplace time to get a bit angry and reclaim your life. It's scary to seem to go on the offensive, maybe it suits your personality to wait and react to whatever he lobs in your direction, but in this case, getting legal advice and being prepared to take whatever action (orders, workplace non-harassment laws, etc) may be appropriate, is very important.

mellish · 02/01/2010 17:14

thanks i think i needed to hear that! sometimes wonder if am over reacting but deep down i know am not i ve had no anxiety since he left its peaceful!