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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

X caught by DD

28 replies

mmrred · 31/12/2009 21:05

DD's Dad and I have been split for years and we've both remarried.DD went round to see him this afternoon, he knew she was coming (she'd got the train down as generally he's too idle to come get her) and when she walked in he was on the sofa petting with a topless young woman who is definitely NOT his wife.

DD just froze and then ran for it - apparently he's phoned her since and left a message apologising.

Any ideas what to say to her?

OP posts:
kyotokate · 31/12/2009 23:12

Bump

StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 31/12/2009 23:13

hOW OLD IS SHE?

Ewe · 31/12/2009 23:18

Your poor DD, what a shitty position to be in! No real advice, think she prob needs to speak to her Dad.

FirelightGlintingOnTheXmasTree · 31/12/2009 23:19

Oh MY! sorry she had to go through that. How was she when she got back home? I agree with kyotokate... What to say really depends on how old she is and how she reacted to what she saw. No matter what age she is though i'd tell her what you've no doubt already done... that her dad will always love her no matter what...

LauraIngallsWilder · 31/12/2009 23:52

What an awful thing for your dd to see
I have no advice though sorry

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 01/01/2010 00:28

Think her dad needs to talk with her face to face.

Original poster
mmrred · 01/01/2010 09:13

She's 15. She hasn't spoken to her Dad since - she says she hasn't picked up his calls but hasn't said how many times he's called her. She says she has been suspicious for a while, for various reasons. She seems sort of weary of him, but concerned for him too - imagine someone talking about an old family pet who is becoming a nuisance and so they might have to have it put down...that kind of tine.

She has said she's worried that if his wife finds out he'll be homeless. (I don't know if that's true, don't know about the financial situation, they both work but it was her place he moved into.) Should I encourage her to talk to him today? I think she'll be pretty resistant.

OP posts:
Original poster
mmrred · 01/01/2010 09:14

tone

OP posts:
HappyWoman · 01/01/2010 09:26

how awful

She does need to talk to him face to face - if at all.
Try to make her see that she should not feel bad if he is made homeless - it was his choice to do this.

Give her lots of time to work out her own feelings before he gives his version of events.

diddl · 01/01/2010 10:04

I agree she needs to talk to him-but when she´s ready.

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 01/01/2010 10:24

I don't think she needs to talk to him at all if she doesn't want too.

He has been a complete knob head to be in that position when he knew his daughter was on her way. Does he want her to do his dirty work for him? Git.

Whatever he says to her is not going to be enough.

I would let her do what she wants and definitely not make her talk to him.

Let him grovel until if and when she wants to talk.

morningpaper · 01/01/2010 10:27

What an idiot

I would tell him that he HAS to tell his wife and if he doesn't, then you will

Because it is NOT fair to give a 15 year old the responsibility for his marriage - not fair at all

BelleDameSansMerci · 01/01/2010 10:32

How awful for your DD. Your ex has placed her in an impossible position. If she says nothing to his wife (which she probably won't) she becomes complicit in the deceit and if she does say something she ends up hurting his wife.

Absolutely agree that she should not be expected to speak with her father if she doesn't want to.

Honestly, what was he thinking? Except he wasn't...

norfolkBRONZEturkey · 01/01/2010 10:35

Agree with MP
that way the pressure to tell the wife isnt on your dd at all.
What a prize knob he is

morningpaper · 01/01/2010 11:02

It's fair enough to involve other friends etc. in his deceit but it's quite wicked to lay that burden on his own child

He needs to tell his wife which is the only way to remove the burden from her - and he needs to tell his daughter that he was about to tell his wife anyway, and that her finding him was NOT the reason he told his wife

I would personally give him about ten minutes to do this or I would round myself and bully him into doing so, because placing this burden on your little girl is totally wrong

he is a complete donkey

MadameDefarge · 01/01/2010 12:42

I would say that at 15 this is not your daughter's responsibility. I would tell her that you will deal with it, and she is not to worry about it anymore, and then you talk to him.

You can't force him to tell his wife, but you can make it very clear your dd will not be in contact with him while this situation is unresolved.

Put the burden on him.

3littlefrogs · 01/01/2010 12:46

This is an opportunity for her to learn that adult men are responsible for their own actions and decisions.

aSilverLining · 01/01/2010 12:51

your poor DD!

I think morningpaper has suggested the best course of action.

Explain to your DD her dad has a job, he would not be homeless, he could go into a B+B and then rent somewhere with his wages.

Divatheshopaholic · 01/01/2010 12:54

poor girl, she sounds mature at 15, feel sorry to ehar she is worried about him. im sure she will talk to him at some points, just let her to deal with her feelings, im sure she is shocked.

Original poster
mmrred · 01/01/2010 13:59

He rang this morning, all bright and breezy, wishing her a Happy New Year. And I got it wrong - he did phone her last night(she didn't pick up)but didn't leave a message - so he hasn't apologised or even acknowledged what happened.

We've had a bit of a talk, she says she wants to think about it some more, get some of her feelings down on paper before she calls him tonight to have it out with him. She doesn't want me to intervene - which was very hard for me to listen to because I wonder how many people knew when he was cheating and making a complete fool of me, but didn't tell me.

Stupid *rse.

OP posts:
Original poster
mmrred · 01/01/2010 21:37

DD's on the phone to him now - she's decided on 4 things she wants to say to him; that she doesn't want to hear any details, that she doesn't wish to meet this woman or have her anywhere around if DD is coming over, that DD must not be used as an alibi, and that she absolutely will not lie to his wife.

She's written it down.

I can hear her upstairs and it doesn't sound like it is going well. I feel sick for her, but in a weird way I think this is helping her deal with a lot of issues from our break-up and when she was younger and felt helpless.

OP posts:
fanjolina · 01/01/2010 22:35

how is your DD now? what an awful thing to come across. She sounds very mature in how she is handling it.

kinnies · 02/01/2010 01:51

What a total wanker!

Hope she's ok.

LauraIngallsWilder · 02/01/2010 08:50

mmrred - what an idiot
I hope your dd is ok

ChippingIn · 02/01/2010 13:37

Poor kid - what an awful position to be in.

How well does she get on with her Dad's wife?

My Dad had an affair when I was a teenager (slightly different situation in that he was (and is) still with my Mum, without going into all the details, I am not being over dramatic to say that it has seriously affected all of my adult relationships (lack of trust in men etc). I love my Dad and we have a reasonably good relationship - but I am resentful that I started out my life (I was 16), knowing that 'men could not be trusted' - my Dad is one of the ones you would least expect it from, so I feel if he could do it, anyone could.

On top of your DD dealing with your marriage break up (no matter how long ago it was), I hope she can talk to someone (independant) and hopefully not have tthe same mistrust of all men that I do (even though I try on a rational level not to think this - it lies beneath).

What a complete an utter twat he has been.

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