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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Just told my dad to go away (at last), feel bad but relieved

31 replies

monkeysavingexpertdotcom · 31/12/2009 17:14

So - DF was a rubbish dad, drank too much, played around, was violent and emotionally abusive. Went off with mum's friend, married her, now has two failed marriages behind him. He lost a position in local politics a few years ago (through no fault of his own) and became depressed, suicidal and lonely. We rebuilt a better relationship and we speak regularly but only because he is lonely ( I am aware that i'm second best to a more interesting life which no longer exists). He came over for a couple of days and went today. It was two days of doing exactly what my dad wanted to do when he wanted to do it (and paying for it). Finally snapped this morning when he was about to go for his bus and, whilst I was holding three heavy bags of shopping, asked me to stand in the dodgy, filthy bus station next to some drunks with my two Dds watching his small case while he went to the toilet. I dared to say I'd rather not, we'd just say goodbye here and go, and he walked off screaming abuse at me in front of the children, who were bemused, and saying he never wanted to see me again. I know it sounds really pathetic and unhelpful of me but this was the last straw really. He's called - twice - and I told him to go away. I feel relieved but worried about him. His other crutch - my younger sister - is on holiday and he lives alone. Do I call because it's New Year's Eve, to make him feel better?

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monkeysavingexpertdotcom · 31/12/2009 17:30

bump

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MortaIWombat · 31/12/2009 17:33

No. He is a grown adult. You let the nasty fucker have a taste of his own medicine, and protect your children from his poison. He sounds vile.

ChickensHaveNoTinsel · 31/12/2009 17:33

I wouldn't. It sounds as though you have been doing all of the running for a long time. What about what you want/need?

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 31/12/2009 17:40

No, don't let him get away with treating you (and your children) in a manner he wouldn't DARE to treat anyone else. He sounds like a loser - my dad was exactly the same, violent, abusive, cheating, lying, controlling and nasty - he did something unspeakable 18 months ago and I walked away and never looked back. It was the best decision I ever made and all our lives have improved so much since. My son will never ever be exposed to his abnormal and abusive behaviour. Do it!

Don't waver because it's new years eve, it's just another day. If you give in now you're just reaffirming that it's fine to treat you and your children that way (after you've shown him hospitality for two days, too) Stay strong! What does your mum say?

mrsboogie · 31/12/2009 18:03

No, don't bloody call him. Let him sit there and think about how his actions may have consequences for once.

Some bloody grandad - why should your kids see that again??.

AMumInScotland · 31/12/2009 18:13

Like the others say - stay strong. You've behaved like a sensible grown-up person, he's behaved like a self-centred idiot. He ought to be phoning you to apologise and promise never to behave like that again - but I doubt that's going to happen!

If he's loneley, it's because his behaviour makes people not want to have him in their lives. His fault, not yours.

kinnies · 31/12/2009 18:24

No. I wouldnt call him.

He has upset you all your life and now thinks he can act like a prick in frount of your DC. Twat.

You have given him more chances than he deserves and your children dont need to see their Mum treated like dirt.

MadamDeathstare · 31/12/2009 18:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

monkeysavingexpertdotcom · 31/12/2009 18:26

Thanks for this - makes me feel better and stronger. Mum is on holiday and is frankly amazed that Dsis and I have him in our lives.
He was doing really well - being nice to the children, no hint of previous behaviour (he knew he'd be out of the door if he started being aggressive) - but still very manipulative.
Just not sure what to tell the children - hate the idea of them thinking that people fall out with their parents. I thought they hadn't twigged what he was doing as they cheerfully waved goodbye to him, but when he rang after we got home my youngest dd who's five said "If it's grandad don't answer the phone mum". Just can't help feeling sorry for him. He's had a c**p life.

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HappyNewYearFromKimi · 31/12/2009 18:34

Good for you, tell your sister to do the same and start the new year without this useless man in your life

AMumInScotland · 31/12/2009 18:37

Having a crap life doesn't make it ok for him to treat you and your DC like crap in return. It sounds like your children are very aware of what's happening - even before the abuse, they were probably aware that you were pandering to him the whole visit. They are old enough to understand the difference between what's acceptable behaviour and what's not, and you're not doing them any favours by puting up with that kind of treatment.

Your father knew he was on a final warning - and he still couldn't behave decently. You can tell them that you're not going to speak to him until he has a chance to calm down and apologise. I'd imagine that's the kind of way you'd respond if your children were behaving badly, so they can see that te same rule applies to grown-ups when they behave badly.

monkeysavingexpertdotcom · 31/12/2009 18:42

Thanks AMIS - that's a really good idea. Was wondering what to say to them. It's always been a fine balance between having a relationship with dad to show the girls that families can get on, and not letting them think that being abusive is ok. I've never told them he was violent. Madamdeathstare there isn't anyone - just an aunt who is as mad as he is and would gloat over him and would definitely tell him I'd called.

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castlesintheair · 31/12/2009 18:44

He sound's quite like my father and I always feel sorry for him in the end and go back for more abuse, so my advice is don't.

From your last post it sound's like your DD has worked out for herself that children fall out with their parents. I wouldn't worry about that: children are more resilient than we think.

Has he really had a crap life or is that what he wants you to believe? From your OP, it sound's like he's brought it all on himself.

monkeysavingexpertdotcom · 31/12/2009 18:48

Hi castles. He talks of a violent father - noone has ever confirmed it, but my grandad was a nasty, agggressive sod - and grew up in poverty.
He has brought it on himself in later years, though, and has been offered help by lots of people, family and friends, as he is an intelligent man who had a lot of potential.
This is working. I won't be getting in touch.

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lorrycat · 31/12/2009 18:52

He doesn't deserve your sympathy and the fact that you are on here confused about what you should do shows that he still has some control over you even now.

Like others have said, NYE is just another night and you don't have to cave in just because you think you have to.

Your father is a grown man. Look after yourself and your own children. It's a disgrace the way he spoke to you and your kids. If ultimately you don't want to cut him out of your life all together, you at least need to see this thru to earn some sort of respect from him.

Good luck and happy new year x

castlesintheair · 31/12/2009 18:54

Your own father 'was a rubbish dad, drank too much, played around, was violent and emotionally abusive' and you don't sound to me like the kind of person who is going to let history repeat itself (again). He could have been like you but chose not to.

I'm glad this is working. Stay strong.

monkeysavingexpertdotcom · 31/12/2009 18:58

Oh gosh he's actually on the phone (his number's come up). Am letting it go to answerphone, see if he leaves a message. Gulp.
No castles, history is not repeating itself. I could never let my children grow up in fear like I did.
Just told the children what AMIS suggested I say. Dd2 had no idea what was going on, Dd2 had heard every word from her recital back to me .
Right, let's go and see if he's left a message.

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monkeysavingexpertdotcom · 31/12/2009 19:00

No message. Coward.

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monkeysavingexpertdotcom · 31/12/2009 19:01

Sorry I meant dd1 had no idea what was going on. Too busy thinking about her hair

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MadamDeathstare · 31/12/2009 19:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

monkeysavingexpertdotcom · 31/12/2009 20:12

Hasn't got email. He's called 4 times sop far today. Dh now home and will deal with it. He's furious dad was nasty in front of the kids and wants to "have a word".

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JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 31/12/2009 20:51

Op, honestly I could have written your posts word for word about my own dad - he had a horrible violent upbringing too with his own aggressive father, they were very poor etc

It doesn't mean they get to re-enact it all on their own kids and grandkids forever more!

If you falter just imagine him shouting at your kids the way he thinks it's perfectly fine to shout at you. Because he will, as soon as they're old enough to be on his "radar"

Your mum is right. Even your dd is right telling you not to answer the phone! Bright girl.

monkeysavingexpertdotcom · 01/01/2010 10:38

Dad just called again, I didn't answer, he left a message. Something along the lines of I'm really sorry, no excuses, just want to say sorry for yesterday, if you call me it'll be a happy new year for me.
Unfortunately, at 11.30 last night Dh had a call from a hospital his uncle's in saying he should go there straight away and it's 50 miles away. So I spent New Year alone, dds in bed, worrying about DH and his uncle (DH never knew his dad, his uncle is his closest male relative) and I'm not really in the mood for my dad's self-pitying style. But I still feel bad. Just wanted to write that down, really.

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JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 01/01/2010 11:11

It's hard isn't it? I'm very soft hearted and 18 months on from becoming estranged to my dad I still feel guilty sometimes, especially over christmas and his birthday etc - but then I have to steel myself and remember who he is and what he did (he abused a young member of our family) then I know I did the right thing getting rid.

Recognise your father's manipulation for what it is. He wants you to fall in line, for everything to be nice again - but by smoothing things over you're sending him a message that actually it's fine for him to bawl abuse at you in front of your children because if he rings up and says sorry you'll just forgive him, no big deal.

Be aware that he may change tactics too if he's anything like my own dad, if he doesn't get a response from his appeal on your answer machine he may try getting angry and ordering you to speak with him, or getting your sister involved to reason with you etc

Bottom line: if you wouldn't let a neighbour or a passerby on the street treat you and your children like this, then don't let your father do it, as he will have far more influence over your lives than a neighbour or a passerby, and your kids are learning lessons from how you respond to him. You're doing so well though, be strong!

Hope your dh's uncle is ok, happy new year

monkeysavingexpertdotcom · 01/01/2010 11:19

Thanks James. Happy New Year to you too. It IS hard, because he is vulnerable now - so he wouldn't order me to do anything, but he will sink deeper into a depression. Dh said last night that whatever dad does next is not my responsibility or my fault, and that seems harsh but right.

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