Just told my dad to go away (at last), feel bad but relieved

[monkeysavingexpertdotcom]

So - DF was a rubbish dad, drank too much, played around, was violent and emotionally abusive. Went off with mum's friend, married her, now has two failed marriages behind him. He lost a position in local politics a few years ago (through no fault of his own) and became depressed, suicidal and lonely. We rebuilt a better relationship and we speak regularly but only because he is lonely ( I am aware that i'm second best to a more interesting life which no longer exists). He came over for a couple of days and went today. It was two days of doing exactly what my dad wanted to do when he wanted to do it (and paying for it). Finally snapped this morning when he was about to go for his bus and, whilst I was holding three heavy bags of shopping, asked me to stand in the dodgy, filthy bus station next to some drunks with my two Dds watching his small case while he went to the toilet. I dared to say I'd rather not, we'd just say goodbye here and go, and he walked off screaming abuse at me in front of the children, who were bemused, and saying he never wanted to see me again. I know it sounds really pathetic and unhelpful of me but this was the last straw really. He's called - twice - and I told him to go away. I feel relieved but worried about him. His other crutch - my younger sister - is on holiday and he lives alone. Do I call because it's New Year's Eve, to make him feel better?

Your dh is right. Your dad is a fully grown man who holds sole responsibility for his actions - did he really need to shout abuse at his own daughter and small granddaughters because they didn't want to be left in an unsafe place just to mind his bag? NO. Normal people don't do that. He should be protecting you and thanking you for your hospitality but he chose to act like an abusive idiot instead and it's not on.

You need to decide if you want to keep in touch or not really. If he's generally a pain in the arse, prone to outbursts and you don't look forward to seeing him, then stay strong and accept that you will feel bad for a while but it's for the best.

If you really feel like he deserves a last chance then perhaps you could write him a letter to explain how he upset your dd's, that they recounted him word for word and were confused why grandad was so horrible to mummy and you felt that his behaviour was completely unnecessary and he is on his last chance with you.

But if you do that make sure it is his last chance, you needn't go on letting him treat you badly out of some sense of obligation towards him. You don't owe him anything, remember you're his child, not the other way round.

Well, this isn't getting any easier - I'm screening calls and he's called 8 times now since NYE. I'm not answering.

DH (a wise man) says he will talk to him to make it clear that he can't talk to me or the children like that. He also says he understands that I don't want to talk to dad.

Trouble is, him doing this has reminded me how tense I am before he comes to see us because I anticipate tantrums and manipulation, how stressful our holidays are because we feel obliged to invite him for a couple of days which always turn out to be us doing exactly what dad wants because it's his only holiday (and often ours, but that doesn't seem to matter). So he's unwittingly highlighted the negative things about our relationship and the fact that he needs me more than I need him. That said, Dd1 misses him and wants to call him despite me telling her why I don't want to speak to him at the moment.
Dd2 now says dad said a "very, very bad word" when he was shouting at us, which I didn't hear as I was too busy ushering the children away from him .
Just writing this because it helps me to think and I really appreciate the words of wisdom and empathy from others on here .

So - dad called and I answered. Very apologetic and contrite, hasn't slept or been out of this flat since he left us on Thursday apparently.
I told him the impact his behaviour had had on us, and that I didn't want to speak to him at the moment. He satrted trying to explain but I said I knew exactly what had happened, he begged me to ring him back sometime, said he wouldn't call but he'd wait for me to call. I said I might not, and he had to get on with whatever he needed to get on with (ie sleeping and getting out of his flat). He said he had nothing else in his life, so I told him that was part of the problem and he should start doing things. I don't want to ring at all and probably won't. That's it really. Writing stuff down helps. Still worried about letting go altogether.

You have handled this amazingly - despite what's happened you've shown real grace & calmness. A great example to your daughters.

You don't have to decide to cut him off altogether, take it a day at a time you can just decide every day "I'm not going to call him today" and maybe one day you'll decide you will call, maybe not. But it'll be your decsion on your terms.

Well done, you've moved things more onto your terms now, and as Seabright says, you can decide one day if you want to get in touch, but not until/unless you want to.

Thanks Seabright and AMIS. Just made me cry there. I'm not particularly well known on here although I've been on for ever (name changer), but I really didn't know who to talk to about this and it's been really good to have a few replies to help get my thoughts straight.