Please, Please help, I am so miserable.

[JamesTheCat]

Hello, I am a regular-ish but have name changed for reasons that may become apparent.

I am desperately in need of some help to put things in perspective here as my situation is quite literally ruling my life and I can't move on.

In 2001 a series of terrible personal tragedies happened to me, resulting in me moving 500 miles away from my family and friends. I established a little life for myself but was desperately lonely and also in hindsight not 100% of sound mind due to deep grief. Along came a work colleague who showed some interest in me and offered to show me around the local area. He was a happy, funny person who was able to offer me a bit of company - everything that was missing in my life. Of course you know what's coming next, he was married and I regret to say that I knew this but initially saw him as purely a friendly face. The old cliche of one thing leading to another and 'my wife doesn't understand me' ensued and just 4 months later I fell pregnant (not planned).

I couldn't see the wood for the trees but after many deep conversations we decided that I would continue with the pregnancy. Our work discovered what was happening and I was immediately relocated to another office hundreds of miles away, but by this time, ExP had already attended 3 scans with me and seemed happy that he was going to be a father.

I am ashamed to say that ExP already had a young daughter and after much discussion with his wife, he decided that he couldn't leave them. He then changed his mind about my pregnancy and asked me to terminate. By this time I was 5 months pregnant and so this was not a possibility and I also didn't want to, which angered him greatly.

Fast forward to the birth of my DS in 2002, ExP knew that I had gone into labour and although we had agreed that he wouldn't attend the birth, he contacted the maternity unit several times during my labour to make sure I was ok and when I told him he had a boy, he sobbed and cried as he was so happy that he had a son.

He saw DS when he was 6 weeks old and again when he was 10 months but after that he disappeared. He would not return my e-mails or telephone calls (not that I made that many, as I respected his wishes that he did not want to see his son anymore and knew that he knew how to contact me if he ever changed his mind).

He contacted me again out of the blue when DS was 1.5. He said that he had left his wife and wanted to make contact with DS. Madly enough I resigned from my job and relocated to live about half an hour away from ExP. The day after we arrived, ExP contacted me to tell me he had met a new partner and had changed his mind about seeing DS. I had given up everything to be nearer to ExP and so decided that I should once again try to make a new life for myself and DS, which I have done to a degree, but here is the problem....

....I just can not accept that ExP will not see DS and I can't move on with my life, however hard I try it always comes back to ExP. I am absolutely not attracted to him at all and do not wish to have a relationship with him, but I feel that my DS has missed out so much by not having him in his life. They are so alike in looks and character, likes and dislikes. I often cry myself to sleep thinking about the terrible life choices I have made and how much these have affected my DS.

I sit for hours on the internet trying to find just a slither of information about ExP's life so that I can impart this information onto my DS if he ever asks. (I know, I know, not healthy).

ExP is very wealthy (not interested in his money) and is now married to the lady who he left his wife for. She has two grown up children who he supports. He will not have any more children with her. He took his ExW to court to fight for access to his daughter but has flatly refused to have anything to do with DS, even though we live so close by and I would allow access on his terms, etc, etc.

A few years ago, ExP asked for photos of DS which I sent, but I never heard anything back.

DS often asks about him and it breaks my heart. I hear all the stories about fathers desperate to see their children and I wonder where it all went wrong for DS.

I just can't think straight or move on and if I am honest, I struggle to parent DS properly at times as I am so pre occupied with what has happened.

I contacted him just before Christmas (a one line, polite text, first contact in years) and I got a tirade of vicious verbal abuse back.

I can't cope with this anymore.

Please could somebody give it to me straight? Thank you. It has helped to write this down.

He's a bastard and doesn't deserve you. After everyone else has ripped him to shreds, print off this thread and read it every time you feel the slightest inclination to contact him.

I know its not very Mnetty, but {hugs}

jamesthecat where to start? Firstly, you know deep down that you have to move on with your life as it seems to be consuming you, at times you say, to the detriment of your relationship with your DS.

In the past it seems that you have put your ExP foremost in your life and he has thrown it back in your face...more than once from the looks of things. Obviously I do not have his side of the story but perhaps he feels like you are stalking him which is why he has broken contact with his DS? What I mean is that by having contact with his DS then he has to have a certain amount of contact with you, which evidently he doesn't want.

If you are certain that you only want to contact him to establish a father/son relationship perhaps speak to a solicitor and send something that is more formal and ask if he would open to arranging time/place to meet with his DS without you having to be involved.

In the meantime I think you need to speak to your GP and seek counselling as you seem unable to move on with your own life. If your ExP still refuses to acknowledge his son then you are going to have to find the strength to move on for both yourself and your DS.

I suspect you knew most of what I've written already in your heart of hearts.

I wish you luck

You must move on for the sake of yourself and your ds.

He is an absolute selfish spineless twunt of the first degree.

for you and ds.

You poor, poor love. I haven't been on MN for long and I know giving someone a hug isn't really the done thing but, whatever, HUG.

I honestly don't know where to start with this. You obviously know all the basics already (he's a complete arse, you need to stop obsessing about the situation because it won't change anything and will just keep making you feel worse etc etc), but tbh I would probably be doing exactly the same thing if I were in your shoes.

All the advice in the world isn't going to help really - I suppose the only thing you can really do is to decide what it is that you want your life (with your DS) to be. At the moment it sounds like you're living in limbo and not moving forward - at some point you'll have to decide, incredibly hard as it is, to just make the decision, and to take a step forward.

What's done is done - you can't keep beating yourself up about decisions you've made or what you should have done differently. It also sounds as if there's no point in pursuing your ex any further. The main thing, the only thing, you need to do is to stop channelling all your energy into regret, sadness and guilt, and to channel it instead into being the kind of parent you want to be to your DS.

That isn't meant to sound flippant, or as if I think it'll be easy, because I really don't. Unfortunately though, it's the only thing that makes any sense, so you have to find a way to do it, however hard you find it.

Have you tried counselling? Would you consider it?

Thank you, Reality and Halle. Sharing is helping as it goes around in my head so often that I am begining to question whether I am thinking straight. I can't understand why I can't let go. All my friends tell me how lovely my DS is (they're biased of course) and that we are better off without him and sometimes when I hear other parents argue, behave badly etc. in front of their kids, I think maybe this is true, but I would honestly sell my soul to whoever would have it to give my DS just 5 minutes of time with his dad, so that he could just have a glipse of him.

We've been through the whole 'Is that my dad?' thing to any man who is vaguely like the photo I have of ExP (can be quite embarrassing!) and - sadly enough - I once even dialed ExP on a 141 witheld number, just so that DS could hear his voice. (DS had asked and asked). I know that I should be handling this much better for DS's sake.

Thank you for the (((hugs))) - I think I need them tonight (sorry, not very MN at all!!)

Even, and I mean even if he did agree to see and have regular contact with your ds, going on past form, how long would that last? One meeting? Maybe two, at the outside? Then he would change his mind / say it was 'too difficult' / be too busy.

What you want is your ds to have a relationship with a caring father, and this just isn't possible. The only chance is if your ExP has a complete and total personality transplant, in which case, he would not be 'him' anymore.

I can see why you are so stuck in the past, and regretting your past decisions, but at the moment you are facing another decision, stay stuck in the past feeling miserable over this guy, or move forward in your life. Make plans for the future. Set yourself goals. Meet new people and all that kind of crap. Make fun times for you and your ds (swimming, days at the seaside, fish and chips and ice cream and all that!)

I think your ds will suffer far more if you stay stuck iin this rut and are unable to emotionally engage fully with him, than he will by not growing up with his dad in his life.

"He is a shit.

A nasty, abusive spineless twat who sees women as vastly inferior to him, and who sees you as a silly young thing he fucked once or twice, behind his wife's back, and unfortunately got pregnant.

He's a bastard and doesn't deserve you. After everyone else has ripped him to shreds, print off this thread and read it every time you feel the slightest inclination to contact him.

He is an absolute selfish spineless twunt of the first degree."

(Just wanted to repeat what everyone else said)

What a stupid fucking twat he is!!!! I know its so much easier said than done but you should not waste any time or energy on him at all. If your DS askes questions, say you can explain when he is old enough, ie, father is a waste oF space who didn't want to know, or something less harsh to your DS.

Make sure he pays maintainence, its the bloody least he owns you, then concentrate on the one good thing, your DS, and find someone who is worthy and who will be a dad not just a biological father.

Sorry you are feeling so crap but maybe you should go and speak to your doctor. I have had conselling a couple of times for other stuff and it always made me feel so much better.

He is a shit.

A nasty, abusive spineless twat who sees women as vastly inferior to him, and who sees you as a silly young thing he fucked once or twice, behind his wife's back, and unfortunately got pregnant.

He's a bastard and doesn't deserve you. After everyone else has ripped him to shreds, print off this thread and read it every time you feel the slightest inclination to contact him.

He is an absolute selfish spineless twunt of the first degree."

What a stupid fucking twat he is!!!! I know its so much easier said than done but you should not waste any time or energy on him at all. If your DS askes questions, say you can explain when he is old enough, ie, father is a waste oF space who didn't want to know, or something less harsh to your DS.

Make sure he pays maintainence, its the bloody least he owns you, then concentrate on the one good thing, your DS, and find someone who is worthy and who will be a dad not just a biological father.

Sorry you are feeling so crap but maybe you should go and speak to your doctor. I have had conselling a couple of times for other stuff and it always made me feel so much better.

You poor thing. I am also going to send you a big {hug}. He is, of course, an utter arse / shit / bastard of the highest order, as everyone will say.

BUT I am also going to be a bit strict, in fact probably even a bit harsh here.

What's done is done. This is the beginning of a New Year. Nay, new DECADE. Truly it is time for you to move on from this now.

From what you have said this level of obsession is not good for your health, nor - as even you admit - good for your son. It is wrong that so much of your time, energy and emotion is devoted to fucktard ExP not to you or DS. Wrong and not fair on your son.

I know it's very hard and I know these things do take time, BUT you do have some control over your thought processes and actions.

As of January 1st 2010...

When you find your mind slipping towards him and wandering, say to yourself, STOP, I am NOT going there. Make a promise to yourself - and make post it notes - saying you will not google / facebook / contact him again. In short stop wallowing in what he threw at you and become a strong, fabulous and independent woman in your own right. Save a number somewhere deep and dark for emergencies, but otherwise remove all trace of him from your life.

I'm sorry this stupid man hasn't given you or your DS the love and respect you deserve, but now it's time to move on and ensure you do it to and for DS AND yourself.

As with the others I suggest counselling - it's remarkable how helpful a trained outsider can be at detecting patterns and helping you with strategies to deal with them...

Sorry if people think I'm not being supportive here, but I think you need to give yourself a short sharp shock - reclaim your life and work on making it as good as you possibly can for you and your son. Sod him. His loss. That's the best possible message for everyone involved...

Thank you, Johnworf, Little and Pogger. I have had a little counselling, which helped.

I am not sure whether he feels I am a stalker as such, as although this is always on my mind, I rarely actually contact him. The text I sent before Christmas was the first in about a year. He replied with 'f**k off you ignorant bitch, I made it clear that I am just a sperm donar, I don't want him.'

But prior to that, a year ago he was asking for photos of him.

I should also add another aspect to the story, which is that he is an only child. His parents are elderly and I have always been very cautious about upsetting them. When DS was born, I wrote to them to let them know that he was here. Since then I have always sent photos twice a year and a card at Christmas. They have never, ever responded. About a year and a half ago, I telephoned them. I was extremely apologetic and made it clear that I did not wish to distress them, but was wondering if it was ok to continue to send photos, etc. to them. ExP's father was very happy to speak to me and asked me to continue to send information to them. I later fund out that ExP has forbidden them to speak to me or make contact with me again.

If anybody is ever thinking about having an affair, then please consider my stupidity. From a short fling, we have hurt so many people - ExP's wife and daughter (ExP's daughter has also begged to meet DS, but ExP will not allow it), ExP's parents, my DS and myself and ExP (although ExP and I deserve everything that's coming to us). All of us in emotional agony for years to come. It's so hard to see a way through this.

I'd be contacting the CSA to assure he is making the right financial provision, and maybe seek some counselling to help you deal with this and put him behind you.

JTC, what a sad story. I'm really glad you've received the support you need here & hope it helps.

You have two issues here: DS & his spineless progenitor, and your feelings of attachment.

wrt DS: you don't really want him to grow up with a negative view of his father (however richly deserved) as that could colour his opinion of himself. Perhaps you can ask Twit Face to get a memory book of himself together (ask a lawyer to do this for you if can afford one) - a few pictures, name, blood group, maybe press cuttings & so on. Tell DS your truth about what happened when he specifically asks, which will probably be some time in his teens - until then, try to stay neutral.

wrt your attachment: You didn't say what triggered your relocation, but it was clearly traumatic enough to have left you emotionally vulnerable & not thinking straight. You have done very well to hold a life together, and raise a happy baby, with all that's happened. Don't underestimate your successes!

It looks pretty likely that, as you were desperate for what felt like normalcy, security, love ... you clung to that illusion, emotionally, regardless of the facts as they panned out. You will get past this by yourself but you'll help yourself more if you can find effective help.

Some therapists would recommend a technique called EFT for your situation: mine's not a fan of it, but it's relatively quick & cheap - and can't do any harm, afaik. Personally, I love hypnotherapy (mine doesn't do that, either!) - basically, try talking to a few therapists and go with whoever feels like the best fit for you.

Good luck It's time you had some.

A huge thank you to all of you for your great advice - my two fingered typing is struggling to keep up, but thank you, I really appreciate it.

I need to move on, but my whole life has been built around him. He is a hard habit to break. I think this is a particularly bad time of year, with Christmas being largely a family time. Also it's hard to accept that ExP won't ever want to see DS when he told me so many times that his greatest wish was to have a son - and DS is his only son.

I cling on to the hope that there will be a reunion. I need advice on how to let go. I feel so sad for my lovely DS and the relationship he will never have. At the moment, he is in awe of all men - he really looks up to them and relishes any time at all that his friend's fathers spend with him, be it only a few minutes. His best friend's father had a chat with him on Boxing Day and he is still recounting the story to me today.

ItsGraceAgain - Thank you for your advice. I haven't heard about EFT before, I will look into it. I relocated initially because of a series of horrible events that happened to me over the space of nine months. My father went missing and was found dead a couple of days later - it was suicide sadly and nobody knew he was feeling the way he must have felt. I identified his body, which was hard as I was very close to my father (and I wish my DS had the opportunity to know what that feeling of fatherly love is). Shortly after this, my mother had a nervous breakdown and I found out that my long term partner had got another girl pregnant and my aunt died of a terminal illness. It was a bit like an episode of Eastenders to be honest and the opportunity of a relocation was a welcome relief.

You're still getting mixed signals, but you can understand how it happened. he gets a text message from you. Perhaps he was in front on his wife and she asks, 'who was that?' Keeping in mind that his fidelity record is in the bottom 20, she perhaps says something like, 'well, hope you told her where to go...'

Personally, I would cut all contact with his family. If they want contact, they should either meet your DS and develop a normal relationship rather than photos, brush it under the carpet, but actually we're curious mode.

Your ex P has made his choice. Sounds as if he gets sentimental from time to time, but I wouldn't let him meet you DS. Imagine if DS meets him and then you have to explain why ex P won't be meeting him again. It would be heartbreaking and your DS would take it personally.

He has treated you like dirt for the last 10 years. You deserve better. Make your new year resolution something positive...

I think a lot of your projection about your ds needing his father etc is stemming from the abrubt ending to your dad's life.

You went through an absolutely awful 9 months and survived, that is a lot of pain to come to terms with.

Sorry to read what you are going through. I was wondering, did you ever have any bereavement counselling for the loss of your Dad? It sounds like you might be transfering some of your own pain at the loss of your own father onto your DS and exP's dynamic? Continually torturing yourself about what your DS doesn't have will not help you out of your misery. Can you perhaps think about what he does have? He has you for instance and friends with nice parents who talk to him. Even if he lived with his real Dad, perhaps they'd have a stormy relationship and he would be made to feel very inadequate? Perhaps he is better as he is?

There's also a type of therapy called interpersonal psychotherapy that might be helpful to you?

You're focusing so much on what your son doesn't have while ignoring what he has got - a loving mother. I've got various friends whose ex's have different degrees of contact with their children and none of them are suffering. One in particular springs to mind - she has a son and dad has been out of their lives (because he's got a new family and isn't interested in his son) since her DS was about 2. Mum and son are so close, they're such goods friends it's wonderful to see. Your DS could have a relationship like that with you - he doesn't need a father around.

It is easy to sit here and be objective but so hard when it is your own life. One question you need to ask yourself is what would happen if your ds did have contact with his father. Is his father the sort of role model you would want your son to have? From what you have written the answer is clearly no.

That thought is what keeps me going when ds asks about his father. He has no contact and no interest. It makes me sad but I also don't want ds to grow up looking up to and being influenced by such a spineless jerk.

Lots of children have one parent and little or no contact with the other one. You can make it work but you need to focus on what is good in your life rather than what you think you are missing out on.

Sweetie - I think you're wishing backwards - the trick with life is to learn to wish forwards - and then there's a chance your wishes will come true.

You send photos in hope of a relationship that has shown no signs of materialising - either with ex or with gps.

You say you still hope for a reconciliation - and there's an ambiguity there - a reconciliation between your ex and ds or between all of you?

You know this is irrational - you say so. But have you faced up to why and how it's so irrational? The man you describe in your post will never reconcile - he's made it clear again and again. So you are wishing backwards. You're wishing that the person who is ds' biological father was a completely different person. He would have to be a completely different person to fulfill your wishes. You seem to be wishing that you had had this relationship with another person.

You are causing yourself much unnecessary pain. I wonder if it's because you really wish that whole year could have been different - and that is why you are putting so much psychological effort into trying to "put this right"? It does seem incredible that it shouldn't be tied up with the sad and awful events that surrounded it.

We can't change the past, but we can learn to love the present, and through that, start acting hopefully towards the future. If we are lucky enough to be able to love the present, we can learn to accept the past that brought us here, and open ourselves to the future.

What I am really struck by is the extent to which your being stuck on this man is stopping you from engaging with your future. I can see why you might be scared about what the future may bring - events in that year (including the relationship with this man- which was not good,) sound awful. I wonder if you are using this as a shield?

And he is a twunt. Really, imagine if he WAS in your ds' life - as he is now, not as you wish he was? It would be a nightmare. You'd be putting up with all sorts of nonsense and having to put up with it because your ds would have a relationship with him. you would be hideously compromised. And your ds would have a father-figure who, let's be honest, is not a great pattern (if your post is half-way correct).

Also, I know we've only heard your story but ... I do think it is very questionable that he had a relationship with you when you were so vulnerable. In fact, I think it is so questionable I do wonder if you (and your ds) are much better not having v. much to do with him.

Lastly, it's a sad, sad fact that people rarely value what is given too easily. Ideally, we would be rational and value what is valuable. however, people rarely trust their ability to correctly assign value and thus go by the actions of others; the relative value. So you might want to reconsider sending photos.

Good luck. Please stop being so hard on yourself. It sounds as though you had a very traumatic patch in your life. As feeling human beings, we take a while to get over these things.

You've really had a hard time my love xx

I agree with other posters.

You need to completely cut contact with him and his family, only when you know theres no chance of a reunion will you move on, and you've had a lots of mixed signals from this man which complicates your feelings etc. You need to grab the power and control back here, and not wait round 'just incase'. Cutting all contact puts you back in the driving seat so to speak.

All this energy your putting into what if's, and past mistakes etc, could be better spent focused on what YOU want from life and your sons. Every minute you spend on this, you are wasting precious time of your life. And its only one chance we get.

I really dont mean this in a offensive way, as you sound like a lovely person and mum, but your personality comes across as a bit obsessive in your posts, the focus being this man. If you have the opportunity, please try and seek some help to get out of this rut.

From your sons point of view - I grew up with a father who didnt want to know/then did/then didnt. It wasnt the not seeing him or not having a father that made me and my siblings upset, it was the changing of his mind. Seeing him for a bit, then the painful rejection when he changed his mind, became more interested in something else etc. I wish my mother had put her foot down and cut contact. Me and my siblings did this of our own accord when myself, being the eldest at 10 decided we wouldnt see him anymore. And not having a father has had no effect on us at all. Most of us have a very good education and happy families of our own, with no regrets about not having a father.

If you are worried about your son not having a male figure in his life, would he be interested in macho type sports where there is a lot of male contact. My youngest brother is exceptionally good at football, and I know he has a few father figures that he looks up to in that sport. When your son is older, you can explain more indepth, and he will have more understanding and will be proud of you, but i think you've done all you can to encourage the relationship.

hbfac - really excellent post. I think that sort of view of things would help a lot of people who are stuck in ruts.

Sorry but going to be very blunt. Why on earth would you want such a selfish tosser to have anything to do with your DS? He has treated you both with total disrespect and disregard. It's obvious that you're putting your DS first in all areas of your life and doing what's best for him but I think you're letting this obsession about his father get in the way of your clear thinking.

I'm sure you won't do this but I'd look for financial support for your DS and nothing else.