Please, Please help, I am so miserable.

[JamesTheCat]

Hello, I am a regular-ish but have name changed for reasons that may become apparent.

I am desperately in need of some help to put things in perspective here as my situation is quite literally ruling my life and I can't move on.

In 2001 a series of terrible personal tragedies happened to me, resulting in me moving 500 miles away from my family and friends. I established a little life for myself but was desperately lonely and also in hindsight not 100% of sound mind due to deep grief. Along came a work colleague who showed some interest in me and offered to show me around the local area. He was a happy, funny person who was able to offer me a bit of company - everything that was missing in my life. Of course you know what's coming next, he was married and I regret to say that I knew this but initially saw him as purely a friendly face. The old cliche of one thing leading to another and 'my wife doesn't understand me' ensued and just 4 months later I fell pregnant (not planned).

I couldn't see the wood for the trees but after many deep conversations we decided that I would continue with the pregnancy. Our work discovered what was happening and I was immediately relocated to another office hundreds of miles away, but by this time, ExP had already attended 3 scans with me and seemed happy that he was going to be a father.

I am ashamed to say that ExP already had a young daughter and after much discussion with his wife, he decided that he couldn't leave them. He then changed his mind about my pregnancy and asked me to terminate. By this time I was 5 months pregnant and so this was not a possibility and I also didn't want to, which angered him greatly.

Fast forward to the birth of my DS in 2002, ExP knew that I had gone into labour and although we had agreed that he wouldn't attend the birth, he contacted the maternity unit several times during my labour to make sure I was ok and when I told him he had a boy, he sobbed and cried as he was so happy that he had a son.

He saw DS when he was 6 weeks old and again when he was 10 months but after that he disappeared. He would not return my e-mails or telephone calls (not that I made that many, as I respected his wishes that he did not want to see his son anymore and knew that he knew how to contact me if he ever changed his mind).

He contacted me again out of the blue when DS was 1.5. He said that he had left his wife and wanted to make contact with DS. Madly enough I resigned from my job and relocated to live about half an hour away from ExP. The day after we arrived, ExP contacted me to tell me he had met a new partner and had changed his mind about seeing DS. I had given up everything to be nearer to ExP and so decided that I should once again try to make a new life for myself and DS, which I have done to a degree, but here is the problem....

....I just can not accept that ExP will not see DS and I can't move on with my life, however hard I try it always comes back to ExP. I am absolutely not attracted to him at all and do not wish to have a relationship with him, but I feel that my DS has missed out so much by not having him in his life. They are so alike in looks and character, likes and dislikes. I often cry myself to sleep thinking about the terrible life choices I have made and how much these have affected my DS.

I sit for hours on the internet trying to find just a slither of information about ExP's life so that I can impart this information onto my DS if he ever asks. (I know, I know, not healthy).

ExP is very wealthy (not interested in his money) and is now married to the lady who he left his wife for. She has two grown up children who he supports. He will not have any more children with her. He took his ExW to court to fight for access to his daughter but has flatly refused to have anything to do with DS, even though we live so close by and I would allow access on his terms, etc, etc.

A few years ago, ExP asked for photos of DS which I sent, but I never heard anything back.

DS often asks about him and it breaks my heart. I hear all the stories about fathers desperate to see their children and I wonder where it all went wrong for DS.

I just can't think straight or move on and if I am honest, I struggle to parent DS properly at times as I am so pre occupied with what has happened.

I contacted him just before Christmas (a one line, polite text, first contact in years) and I got a tirade of vicious verbal abuse back.

I can't cope with this anymore.

Please could somebody give it to me straight? Thank you. It has helped to write this down.

And, more bluntness, you're looking at what happened in the past and using that to justify your hope that your ExP will have a relationship with your DS. You need to look at what is happening now, today and see that this is the truth now. I'm sorry if that's painful but your ex basically lied to you and took advantage of you when you were vulnerable. When he could have been with you and DS he chose another woman and her children.

Please, please see this man for what he is and let it go.

He is not fit to lick your boots.

Thanks MrsWill!

Emboldened by that, I'm going to add something.

Tonight - sit down with a pen and paper, and write a description of a. the person you would like to spend your time with b. the life you would like to be living. Think about it. For a. What sort of things does this person do? Where will you be likely to meet such a person? For b. how can you start, tomorrow, with little steps, moving towards that?

You're so lucky, you know. I remember the time when all I wanted was a child, and it seemed I would never be able to achieve that (fertility issues - and I lucked out in the end - but I know what it's like to want something that seems utterly impossible). I'll bet a ds would be on a lot of people's b. list - and you have that.

This is said with love - the pair of you are better off without him. I'm sure there will be times when he thinks about his son, but I don't think you get to be a part-time parent. It is a shame for your son that he doesn't get to have a more involved dad, but don't be naive and assume that getting more contact with his dad will be only a good thing.

hbfac:
"If we are lucky enough to be able to love the present, we can learn to accept the past that brought us here, and open ourselves to the future."

Love this! Thank you

Such excellent advice on this thread, I have very little to add. A particularly good point already made is that you are not realising your son does have one decent parent: yourself. If you had more confidence you would realise that you are all he really needs. I suspect part of his feeling that he has a huge father-sized gap in his life is picked up from your own anxiety on this point. Not trying to make you feel guilty about that, but you do need to relax for both your sakes. He will get positive male role models from teachers, friends' fathers etc, that's fine. It would be nice if he had one at home but like many happy, well-adjusted children, he doesn't. That too is fine.

In the course of satisfying his own totally selfish wants, XP accidentally co-created a wonderful new human being, your precious little boy. You may not feel you deserve such joy, although as everyone says, the things you'd gone through would make anyone go off the rails a bit, but as long as you love him and do your best to raise him then you DO deserve him. The two of you could be happy together if you only realised that you SHOULD be happy together.

The thought occurred to me btw, when you said XP took his ex wife to court over access to his daughter, that it was more about asserting his rights than caring about his child. The reason he didn't bother with yours was because you weren't trying to stop him. It therefore boils down to a control thing, which would make him a very unpleasant person indeed. Thank heavens you have the chance to bring his baby up to be decent.