Help, why am I such a rubbish friend?

[Wanttobeabetterfriend]

Or more importantly, can you tell me how not to be?

I don't know what's wrong with me, I feel like I'm scared to be friends with people. When they start getting close I start finding reasons not to see them, cancelling plans to see them.

I've probably done this for years but it's only now I'm in my thirties I am really seeing the pattern.

I have made some lovely friends, especially since having dd but I feel something stopping me being a good friend. I've met women at baby group, got on really well, met for coffee afterwards (my suggestion) and then sort of panicked and not wanted to meet them again even though I've had a great time with them.bi come home and worry I've said something stupid or been really boring.

My dh has normal friendships and I look at him and wonder why I can't do it. I know I am putting pressure
on him to be all things to me and fill in the gaps where
friends would be. I feel terrible but dong know how to be a friend anymore.

I feel like a freak. Does anyone else do this? Or have any ideas for overcoming it? I miss proper friendships.

Im not sure of the answer, but you sound very nice so im sure it wil be ok. now you notice this about yourself, make it your new year resolution to meet up with your mates. I am sure they will be very pleased. You could say you are a bit shy sometimes? Why not text in the new year and invite them all round?

Thanks newgirl, it does feel a bit like shyness sometimes. A friend from Uni got in touch via facebook today. She was lovely and I sort of cut her out of my life at Uni. I know it really confused her and I feel like I owe her an exanation but I don't know why I did it.

I am so pleased to hear from her and that she mustn't hold a grudge but I think of the friendship ice missed out on by being a bit of a freak.

It's helped to talk about it here though. I like you're suggestion, I'm going to arrange a get together with some friends in Jan. Just hope I don't chicken out.

Not to be reductionist but ... what was your relationship with your parents and siblings like? Did you have bad experiences with friends in school?

I bet there's a reason why you do this - you don't feel safe letting people in. There's a reason, in your past. If you understood the reason, you would find it easier to stop doing it.

(It's interesting that you can let your DH in - why is that different?)

I'm with NQC, I bet there is a reason you do this. You are protecting yourself from getting too close and then potentially getting hurt, did you have friendships that went tits-up at school?

The last close friendship I had was at secondary school. We moved house when I was 10 and I was too far from old friends to really stay I. Touch properly. I made new friends at school and was a especially close to a girl who became like a sister really. My parents divorced so i spent most of my time with her and her parents (I feel guilty about this now as I have 3 younger siblings who I am very close to and sort of neglected at this awful time).

Anyway we stopped being friends at about aged 17 when she chose different a-levels and sort of dropped me for the "cool" kids. I made new friends then moved away to Uni. The last time I saw her she had made a special trip with her mum into the village centre to see me at my Saturday job. She'd been asked out by the guy I'd had a crush on for years and it felt like they want to see my reaction. I was just upset that she obviously wanted to hurt me.

I do sometimes wonder if this is part of the reason but surely the adult side of me can see that not everyone treats people like this.

I

yep interesting that you let your DH in. Did it take him a long time to earn your trust?

I think it's your first close friendship that's more likely to matter - but the behaviour of your high school friend can't have helped. (Is it possible, at least partly, that she came in to see you, feeling that telling you in person, rather than you finding out some other way, would be kinder and more appropriate? I get that it didn't feel that way at the time ...)

It's amazing how key insidents in our teenage years shape who we are as adults.. You're scared of getting too close in case they ditch you for the 'cool kids' now still aren't you?

I feel your pain, I am the same...

Hmmm I'm not sure with dh. He was the first relationship that has been normal and he was persistant! I remember going through the panic phase with him but forcing myself to be "normal". When we argue though he often says things like "why are you being like this? It feels like you're trying to piss me off so I'll leave". He says I push him away and we are having problems but they are tied up with so many other issues (post-baby health probs, no sex for a year - if I have outer myself to anyone please don't say).

It sounds like there's a fair bit going on in your head. Is therapy an option? It might help you make sense of all this.

Actually, thinking about it, Im not a great wife either. I saw a counsellor (about birth/health stuff) and told her I felt a bit cold & detached sometimes and she told me to hug dh lots. I explained that I felt like something was stopping me and she just said it was strange and advised lots of cuddles. I have been doing that and got my mum to have dd for a few hours do we could spend time together. It doesn't feel enough though.

Your post really struck a chord with me. I was always the friend that got ditched for the cool kids and my parents although loving don't show their affection outwardly so what you say about making friends and your relationship with your DH rings true in some ways for me too.

I have lots of friends, some very close but I find it quite difficult to make friends and believe that people like me in an artificial setting where people thrown together like parties or antenatal classes. Even though I've met me antenatal group every week for nearly 2 years now I still have a crisis of confindence now and again. The only way I manage to go back is to tell myself that it doesn't matter what people think, I just have to be myself and that is enough.

With DH it was a bit different I think because I knew that he really liked me so I didn't try to push him away but I do find it hard to give him cuddles or tell him that I love him sometimes.

I've had various counselling opportunities through work and in my personal life (Relate) and I have found that helpful so, as NQC suggests, this may be a good option for you (as a separate thing from birth/health related counselling.

You sound lovely by the way.

I wouldn't even know how to find therapy. I'm having counselling but I don't know if that'll help this.

Nqc, with hindsight they were an odd family. I suppose it's possible she wanted to break the news gently but her mum was giddy with excitement, encouraging her dd to tell me and laughed after she'd said it. 17 year old me thought it was nasty.

Aaargh, I feel like I've started a normal-ish thread and just found out I'm mad. Maybe I can see my gp? I have no idea how to be normal.

Oh minimincemeat, yes! That sounds like me. My dh cried about two weeks ago because I struggle to be affectionate and he said he's worried I don't love him. I thought, how ridiculous - I fuss over him, buy him things, cook his favourite meals. I show I care! But he said yes, but you never cuddle me. Is it too much to ask for a cuddle from my wife? I felt horrible. I had no idea I made him feel like that. I do need to do something don't I?

Oh and you know what else, I remember in my teens plenty of times I'd tried to cuddle my mum and she'd push me away and say "not now" or just sort of do that pat on the back that means "hug over". My sister and I used to moan about it to each other. THAT'S what I'm doing isn't it? I make him feel that crap. What if I end up treating dd like that too? I'd hate that.

Wanttobeabetterfriend - I agree with the reductionist view: I think this perhaps goes way back. Therapy can help tremendously - it definitely has for me.

Try the BACP - www.bacp.co.uk, or the UKCP - www.psychotherapy.org.uk. Many therapists offer tiered rates to suit most income levels.

Your counsellor suggesting you give your DH more cuddles? That doesn't make sense to me at all. If what you are feeling is deep-seated, those deep-seated feelings will override most attempts at affection because you're treating the symptom and not the cause.

Oh, and one more thing ...

You're not mad. Really, please take that to heart - you're not. In the words of a very wise woman I know, you're trying to eat consomme with a fork, because that's the only implement you've been given. It is not your fault. But it is up to you if you want things to be different. Best of luck, sweetheart.

What sort of counselling are you having now? I would tend to use the words 'counselling' and 'therapy' interchangeably ...

The BACP and UKCP are great organisations ... but you will find someone better through a personal recommendation, imo ...

I agree with Whatnolunchbreak - you're not mad and you definitely can change things. Everyone has 'issues' of one sort or another.

DH and I went to Relate before we married for issues related to DH's grief over his father's death rather than my own issues but I found the experience hugely beneficial for my whole life. We had a really experienced counsellor who was able to take us both back to our childhoods and explore why we each do things in a certain way. It helped us to learn to listen and talk to one another too. It hasn't changed my behaviour 100% of the time but at least I can step back and understand why I don't feel like giving DH a hug on a particular day now rather than just feeling confused and weird about it.

Maybe Relate could an option for you and your DH because you would go through the process together and agree how you want your relationship and family to be.

We have DS together now and it is really important to me that he grows up with outward affection from both his parents and knows how to return it.

Hmm, struck a cord with me also.
In my case, I think that i'm afraid that 'friends' will try and take over my life or try and dominate all my free time, i've had that before and when I put a stop to it, it was like breaking up with a boyfriend (not very pleasant).
I think this makes me keep my distance now and either cut people off or not treat them very well (not answering phone,text).
Friendship needs to be on my terms now and if it isnt then I severe all contact.

Oh dear, I dont sound great, I just dont like to be crowded!

I'm not sure what kind of counselling it is. She agrees with me a lot & I tend to cry a great deal. Work have paid for and organised it before I return from mat leave. I don't really want to go back but I don't know if your supposed to feel uncomfortable after counselling and Im just running away.

We talked about relate but dh says he doesn't want to go and that he'll make me happy. He tries so many things but I realise now I can pick fault with friends or dh but actually it's me. I'm looking for fault in all of them and making us all unhappy.

I think I will try bacp or ukcp tomorrow. I'll google them now.

Thank you all so much for talking this through with me. I feel a bit overwhelmed but mostly very relieved.

Lilac, I know what you mean. I can be very harsh in my behaviour but it frightens me sometimes how cold I can become when I cut someone out. I almost always miss them or wish I hadn't done it but I can't get back in touch because I worry they'll tell me to feck off or that I'll do it again!

How are you with your dp?

I was just like this a few years ago and it was all to do with my lack of confidence. I was outwardly quite a sociable person, but never felt there was any depth to any of my friendships. I worried that once people got to know me I would let them down somehow by not being a good enough friend, or that they'd start to judge me.

One of the things that helped me was EFT and something called emotrance.

Thanks Frosty, I'll look at those too. I feel confident but I wondered about this. I think mat leave has brought this all to a head a bit because I feel like I have nothing else but babies to talk about. I feel dull.

I like that saying about eating consommé with a fork!

I feel exactly the same - OK with casual frienships but always stop short of allowing anyone become a close friend.
Let H in but he turned out to be an abusive narcisist - so that didn't help.
I don't recall any any physical affection from my family ever and I was bullied alot at school and beleive that if anyone gets to know the real me they will find me dull, not nice etc - plus I have no real social skills ans trying to learn quickly in my 30's.

Am trying very hard to let people in my it is really hard.

What is the best way to find a therapist and does it really help?

wanttobeabetterfriend - sometimes discomfort can be part of good counselling ... but sometimes not. It really depends on what your intuition (rather than what your emotions) are telling you about the counsellor you're going to.

Generally, the difference between a counsellor and therapist is that counsellors work with a client over a shorter time period, whereas therapy is conducted over a number of months rather than weeks. Sometimes it requires that amount of time for a client to start releasing deeply buried thoughts and feelings.

NotQuiteCockney - I would tend not to be as adamant about using personal recommendations as a means of finding a good therapist for three reasons: first, everyone is different, and a therapist who clicks for one client is not always going to click with another - it is a very personal relationship that is built up over time.

Second, personal recommendations may mean that a client is reluctant to stop sessions with a therapist who isn't a good fit because the recommendation becomes more of a reason to keep going than what is actually being achieved in the appointments.

Third - and here's the gut thing again - there is nothing, but nothing imo, that beats an intuitive selection and "audition" of a therapist. Because, in a way, you do audition a therapist. And why not? You need to feel as comfortable as you can with them, because you will be travelling out of your comfort zone a great deal in sessions and it is necessary to have someone competent, experienced and trustworthy to accompany you.

popcorn123 - therapy can, and does, help; but I think it requires a convergence of several factors, not least of which include getting the right therapist for you (and there might be many to choose from), and being willing and able to dedicate time towards your work together, even, and especially, when the going gets tough.