Help, why am I such a rubbish friend?

[Wanttobeabetterfriend]

Or more importantly, can you tell me how not to be?

I don't know what's wrong with me, I feel like I'm scared to be friends with people. When they start getting close I start finding reasons not to see them, cancelling plans to see them.

I've probably done this for years but it's only now I'm in my thirties I am really seeing the pattern.

I have made some lovely friends, especially since having dd but I feel something stopping me being a good friend. I've met women at baby group, got on really well, met for coffee afterwards (my suggestion) and then sort of panicked and not wanted to meet them again even though I've had a great time with them.bi come home and worry I've said something stupid or been really boring.

My dh has normal friendships and I look at him and wonder why I can't do it. I know I am putting pressure
on him to be all things to me and fill in the gaps where
friends would be. I feel terrible but dong know how to be a friend anymore.

I feel like a freak. Does anyone else do this? Or have any ideas for overcoming it? I miss proper friendships.

Haven't read this whole thread but know how you feel. I moved recently and had to make lots of new friends. Have met some lovely people but am constantly analysing what I've said, whether they liked me, did I do something rude or inappropriate so am really careful next time - and then worry that I must have come across as snotty or standoffish.

ad infinitum

I'm glad I'm not the only person who struggles with friendships. I can do the acquaintance bit ok but never seem to get any further . Would love not to feel on the outside looking in and am currently very anxious and obsessed over the whole thing. Would love to have counselling but have never plucked up the courage to organise it

Good morning, thanks for the other posts. Sorry I didn't come back, I had to get dd ready for bed. I have sent dh a link to my thread so he understands and I've told him I'm going to get help. I'm stopping short of pasting it on fb so my friend can see it! Hopefully they'll see the results when I'm a better friend.

I feel a lot better today. I'll come back and update if you like?

Ps sorry for all the typos, replying from my phone.

Feel exactly like that, OP. Worse still, I think I ruin any friendship I do manage to have.

I feel I am better off not making close friendships as I seem to stuff them up. I think it's better for other people to not get close to me as I will just hurt them. I notice it's a pattern from when I was little. Doesn't matter if they are RL people or online friends.

I have just messed up with a woman who was my witness at my wedding. There was a big conflict after I did something thoughtless (but not intentional) and things spiralled out of control. I ended up sending her a text (how tactless is that?!) saying I think it's best to end our friendship. She acts like I don't exist now.

I think I should become a recluse!

So no advice, but sympathy and know what it feel like.

yes, please update when you can, wanttobeabetterfriend - I'd love to hear how you get on.

Thinking of you.

Great idea to show DH this thread. Let us know how you're getting on.

Just a little update, I have found a therapist near me who sounds really nice and very experienced. It's hard to tell after just one call, I know, but I felt quite comfortable with her. I'm meeting her next week to see if I'd like her to help.

Happy New Year!

Good luck and happy new year!

I had my first session with the therapist this week. She is really lovely, I feel so comfortable with her. She believes that the birth trauma & following health problems have had a big effect and now I am keeping people at a distance to protect myself. We are going to talk about the birth & long term health problems before addressing the relationships part of my problem.

I also emailed a few friends to apologise and explain my behaviour (as best I could) and linked a couple of them to this thread -including one lovely MNer and two women who have dc the same age as mine who I kept cancelling on. They have all been really great, supportive and understanding.

That's great news as I remember reading this story

I too know how you feel WTBABF. I seem to make friends quite easily, but then back out. So now I have lots of acquaintances, but probably only two or three 'real' friends and these I only see once or twice a year, with very little contact in between.

I wonder sometimes if that's to do with being an army brat and never staying long enough in one place to know how a long-term, day-to-day friendship works.

DH also says I'm not very affectionate, but I think, 'but I cook specially for you, and arrange your birthday parties and always buy thoughtful presents for you, none of which you do for me," which to me means more than a cuddle as it needs long-term, always in my mind thinking, not just a spur of the moment clinch.

And have to force myself to return teenage DDs hugs, it doesn't feel very natural to me at all.

Not sure how that helps you, but at least you know you're not a freak, or that someone else shares your freakishness

Sorry, didn't realise only had half the posts up and only saw how far thread had moved on after I posted.

Glad to see you're taking steps to get the bottom of it OP. I wish you luck.

Only just seen your update, so glad you feel comfortable with the new therapist. Hope it continues to be helpful