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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Lack of affection & sex

34 replies

LostNLonely · 29/12/2009 15:38

Apologies for the namechange but I'm at my wits end right now.

I've been with dh for nearly 10yrs and have 2 dc's. But for the past couple of years things have been difficult and we've been working hard to be happy but its just not working.

We have very little sex or physical affection and I'm finding it really hard to cope with. Now we've never in the "at it like rabbits" category but 2 or 3 times a month was great. But now I feel unloved and unattractive I don't feel as though I can carry on. We hardly ever have sex now, once every 3 months and when he hugs me or kisses me its almost polite, there is no passion or real affection.

He knows I'm upset about it all and we've talked it through countless times but nothing ever changes. I've tried hard to make sure that he feels loved and cared for and I've tried to set the mood so that he may feel more able to initiate something but nothing helps.

He's just emailed to say how sorry he is for upsetting me and that he really does love etc but to be honest all I want to say in return is that I just can't do this anymore!

I know this probably makes no sense but I just had to get it out.

OP posts:
SleighBelleDameSansMerci · 29/12/2009 15:49

Perhaps you should say that to him? It may shock him into realising that if things don't change there is only one place the relationship is going.

It does sound as if you've got into a bit of a rut. Is there any chance you could try dating each other? Perhaps he's finding it hard to see you outside of your role as mummy?

mumblechum · 29/12/2009 15:51

You say that you set the mood so he can initiate sex, but how often do you initiate it? Or don't you, for fear of rejection?

How were things in the pre children years?

Original poster
LostNLonely · 29/12/2009 15:55

We are in hugh rut but i have tried with him. We went out for a meal last night as dc's were at my parents. Had a nice time even flirted a little but when got it I came upstairs to get changed and was looking for a gift for him online. I went downstairs and he was playing on the Wii and he went into a hugh sulk when I asked him why he hadn't let the dog outside while he'd been sitting there playing. So that completely killed mood as he was sulking for the rest of the night.

But over the past month, I've bought new bedlinen, 2 lots of new underwear, put candles on etc but no interest from him at all.

We are due to go away next week and I'll know he'll want sex while we're away but I dpn't feel as though I can after being ignored for months, I can't just switch it back on

OP posts:
Original poster
LostNLonely · 29/12/2009 15:56

No I admit I don't try to initiate things anymore, there is only so much rejection a girl can take

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Original poster
LostNLonely · 29/12/2009 15:59

god my spelling is crap, sorry but crying while typing doesn't work too well...

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ABetaDad · 29/12/2009 16:02

I wanted to ask the same as mumblechum.

You also say that you are going away and "he'll want sex" but even though you know that and say you really want sex in your original post you then are thinking 'no I don't want to'.

Are you sure that he hasn't just given up trying to initiate because you didn't want to in the past?

Your posts are a bit contradictory.

Cybilshoeboots · 29/12/2009 16:03

sounds like its the closeness you miss, rather than the sex (which you are having albeit infrequently).

Do you tell each other what you NEED from each other? Thats a good starting point.

He might need more sex to feel close to you...you need to feel close to him to want sex

Original poster
LostNLonely · 29/12/2009 16:08

I know I don't make any sense but because this has been going on for so long I feel so resentful about it all.

I feel unloved, unwanted and unattractive, so that while I miss affection from him, right now I don't want sex because I don't feel loved.

He might need more sex to feel close to you...you need to feel close to him to want sex

I think thats the most sense I've heard in a while

But how do I get over it?

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lighthouse · 29/12/2009 16:11

I have been through this and have to kick his arse a bit sometimes. I think boys do get a bit complacent, and it is easy to do after being married for so long and having lil people too.

I do believe that some relationships do need an overhaul now and then.

Sounds like you confidence has taken a big knock, do you think it might be a good idea to take a little time out for you, and have hair done new clothes and make you feel better and in turn he might take notice too? I don't know you and am not saying anything contradictory but if you feel better it might rub off on him too. concentrate on you for a bit, get rid of the games console as they are big distraction. We went through the faze of him on laptop-me glued to TV and then too tired for it.

Wem made a point of one night a week none of these things and wine in bed at 8ish nookie etc..

Cybilshoeboots · 29/12/2009 16:14

Basically I think you should just have sex. Forget about who iniated it, or whatever otherwise all your hurt feelings will spill over for even longer.

See how much closer you feel afterwards. LOADS of couples have these dry spells..but everything feels better when you've finally had it off.

Cybilshoeboots · 29/12/2009 16:16

read this article I started a thread about it earlier, its not exactly your situation but I think it sums up how sad life can be when we feel hung up about sex or lack of it.

lighthouse · 29/12/2009 16:18

Its give and take and making time for these things, talking it out helps and being confident in yourself. Get shot of the distractions computer etc.. one night a week shouldn't be too much to ask should it? I hate to ask this but you don't think he could be playing away?

Original poster
LostNLonely · 29/12/2009 16:18

Well I have made a lot of changes to my life recently for me. I'm going back to work next month after being sahm for 7yrs, I've lost over stone in weight and had new haircut and a few new clothes and he does notice and say I look nice but nothing ever changes between us.

I just feel so resentful right now, I've reinitiated our physical relationship so many times that I wonder if he even wants sex at all. Sometimes I think that that would be easier and I could move on.

Well I suppose i just better see how things go, see what happens when he gets in from work and if he wants to talk

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Original poster
LostNLonely · 29/12/2009 16:20

No hes not having an affair, he's just not the type.

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lighthouse · 29/12/2009 16:22

Not good being miserable like this though I know how you feel, I lost a lot of weight and went from a size 14 to a 8-10 and was watching my eating but was unhappy doing it and he still wasn't interested I thought what was the point. It all blew up one night and I told him I was off of things didn't change, we made a point of one night a week and even more sometimes if we felt like it. Now he checks with me that I am happy and we are a lot better. Horrible though, feel for you.

Cybilshoeboots · 29/12/2009 16:23

You both sound really sad actually. He is offering an olive branch with his email so he knows something is not right.

I think you should both have it out tonight. There may be more to it than just how he feels about you and your sex life.

He may be feeling that middle aged fear man go through, could his job be depressing him?

I don;t want to sound like I'm all on his side just offering up a reason that might not involve you and how attractive he finds you.

Original poster
LostNLonely · 29/12/2009 16:25

Thank you Lighthouse, sometimes I feel as though its me and I must be crazy to feel like this. Reassuring to know others have gone thru similar

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lighthouse · 29/12/2009 16:26

I would personally kick his arse, don't put up with this. Life is too short to be miserable, I am 31 and thought "is this how my life will be for the rest of my days" soul destroying and a relationship is supposed to be about the things you got together for in the first place. Tell him that if things don't change then you will find someone who will treat you the way you deserve.

Original poster
LostNLonely · 29/12/2009 16:26

Thank you Cybil

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Cybilshoeboots · 29/12/2009 16:27

Good luck, lifes too short to spend it being miserable

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 29/12/2009 16:29

Be careful Lost. You are at a tipping point. I can't tell you how many women I know who went back to work, started feeling attractive again and got themselves into emotional or physical affairs with the first chancer who took an interest in them. Don't become that cliche, what ever you do.

If all your conversations about the lack of sex and affection haven't changed anything - have a different conversation, perhaps with a third party like a counsellor. Do this before you go back to work. A Beta Dad is spot on when he says that sex very often makes men feel closer and feeling closer makes lots of women want sex.

It seems to me that he needs to see you in a different light - so much of sex is in the head and often a change of internalised image about one's partner is all that's needed. Resentment on either side is a sure-fire passion killer though. Perhaps talk about your resentments (I'll bet you both have more than the lack of sex and affection) and treat the no sex as a symptom of a deeper set of issues.

And recognise how vulnerable you are to the attentions of someone else - even tell him as kindly as you can that YOU are worried about this too. This might just be the jolt you need as a couple to finally tackle things.

lighthouse · 29/12/2009 16:31

You need to have a chat tonight and get it sorted. Also make sure that he realises if he is slipping. Seriously if my boy hadn't have made more effort I wouldn't be sitting here doing this. At my age I expect to have a fulfilling relationship with my husband which is why I married him, I wouldn't want to be stuck in a stale relationship. Sex is not the be all and end all of it but it is about being wanted and loved as well as the other aspects of a relationship. That surely is the whole point of being together. I also understand that life gets in the way and it is easy to forget the other person, but as long as both parties want to make an effort then it is worth it.

Original poster
LostNLonely · 29/12/2009 16:35

I dearly love my dh and I would never want to be with anyone else and I doubt anybody else would want to be with me. Plus my job is in an all female environment!

But I will try to talk it through with him because I really need for him to fully understand how I feel and that I don't need apologies and words, I need some actions to go along with it. I need some resolution to this

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lighthouse · 29/12/2009 16:39

I think you both need to make more of an effort and talk a bit more about what you want don't want etc.. Easy to let slip when work, corrie, Wii fit etc gets in the way. Def think one night a week rule should be starting point, not make a specific night as not always practical but when you both not tired. If you truly love eachother then there is no real reason why this cant be sorted out. Good luck x

Original poster
LostNLonely · 29/12/2009 16:40

Thank you everyone, will hopefully feel better by the end of tonight

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