Lack of affection & sex

[LostNLonely]

Apologies for the namechange but I'm at my wits end right now.

I've been with dh for nearly 10yrs and have 2 dc's. But for the past couple of years things have been difficult and we've been working hard to be happy but its just not working.

We have very little sex or physical affection and I'm finding it really hard to cope with. Now we've never in the "at it like rabbits" category but 2 or 3 times a month was great. But now I feel unloved and unattractive I don't feel as though I can carry on. We hardly ever have sex now, once every 3 months and when he hugs me or kisses me its almost polite, there is no passion or real affection.

He knows I'm upset about it all and we've talked it through countless times but nothing ever changes. I've tried hard to make sure that he feels loved and cared for and I've tried to set the mood so that he may feel more able to initiate something but nothing helps.

He's just emailed to say how sorry he is for upsetting me and that he really does love etc but to be honest all I want to say in return is that I just can't do this anymore!

I know this probably makes no sense but I just had to get it out.

Have you tried sending some norty texts?

Sometimes DH will go to the pub and while he's gone I get the kids in bed and have a bath and put some sexy underwear on then I send him texts until he comes home, maybe you could do that?

wow.. i could have written your post word for word. i have no solution either. My Dh said that he now associates sex with having children, and we don't want any more kids so i guess he never wants to have sex ever again either. I have said that there are such things as contraception but he laughs it off. I almost feel like having an affair part of me really thinks he wouldn't care.

Thank you everyone for your help yesterday.
I had a long chat with dh last night and it basically comes down to depression. He has mentioned before that there are times when he feels low but this is the first time he's admitted to being depressed.

I feel guilty for pressurising him but at the same time I'm scared witless. All through my teen years and my early twenties my father suffered from severe depression and it was a true hell. The only reason I stuck around was support my mom and my younger sister.

I told dh that he needs to let me help and he needs to go to the gp but he's refusing to see the gp.

I know it seems a minor issue in the grand scheme of things but I really am scared. I can't go through what I went through with my dad and I can't put my dc's through it either.

How can I help, how can I get him to see the gp? I feel as though I've created such a mess here!

Lost - you have not created a mess. You have made a HUGE step forward in getting him to admit he is depressed. Many (most?)men resist going to the doc for any reason, let alone mental health, as they see it as revealing weakness which men are programmed and conditioned all theri lives not to show. Now you have got the communciation lines open, I would not press for the doc just yet, but be nice to him in small ways (and laugh a lot) and show your appreciation for nice things he does - just find something, anything to start with.... Cuddle up to him unthreateningly (!) in bed - ie not to initiate sex yet, but to cuddle him and then say good night, sleep well, and then cuddle him awake in the morning, same thing, briefly only, so that by the time you go on hols at least you have re-established cuddling, and then go for the sex as often as possible without is just happenign from a vaccuum. There was a wonderful thread here earlier about Christmas sex, where someone staying with her in-laws had been surprisd from behind (by her DH) while sorting washing on the bed.... - maybe you could jokingly suggest something like that to him.... I know it has inspired me to - ahem - mention to DH later ? (tho' DH would think it highly unusual for me to actually be sorting washing....)

It is totally not a minor issue, Lost. At least, now you have it in the open - and well done, both of you, for that

So you're BOTH feeling crap about yourselves; not the best recipe for a steamy sex life, is it? Obviously, bludgeoning him with emotional blackmail like veiled threats of having an affair won't do much to boost his self-esteem.

Your holiday sounds like perfect timing. Hopefully, the admission that he's depressed will help you feel a bit closer and the change of scene will help him feel a bit happier. It might just work out

Two bits of advice: antidepressants often dampen the libido (mine went out when the pills came in ) so, in your case, it might be better to try other ways of improving the depression before going for medication. Those two trusty standbys, exercise and fresh interests, really do help a lot. Also, they make a person feel more 'exciting' and thus sexier, we hope.

Advice 2: Same as someone said earlier - just do it! If you're on holiday and hubby decides he feels relaxed enough to get it on with you, just welcome the attention and enjoy it. ABD is absolutely right when he says that sex=closeness=sex=closeness ;)

I wish you both luck and a lovely holiday.

LostNLoney - I can imagine how frustrating and saddening this all can be.

Small suggestion to help DH's depression and libido + refresh your bonding: can you arrange to play a sport like badminton, tennis, squash or even jogging or brisk walking together? Jogging is really good as the better runner will help motivate the less good runner and that will help your bonding. And then you will both benefit from the endorphin kick. And if you run in the woods in the summer you can even be a bit daring and have the odd sweaty snog if you like that.

best wishes

Thank you all so much for your help, I'm feeling much more positive about things now.
Dh has bought St Johns Wort and a multi vitamin, so he is taking positive action.

I cooked him a nice meal once dc's had gone to bed and we opened the bottle of bubbly we were saving for new to toast to a new start, our new year starts today.

Then went to bed and snuggled for the first time in months.

I'm going to book a badminton court while we're away and hopefully will try to play badminton with him once a week when we get home, its a plan at least.

Again thank you so much for helping me, I have no one to talk to in rl about personal things.

That sounds very positive, the badminton will be a help because of releasing the feel good endorphins so if you can try to make sure you stick with that it should lift his mood. Good Luck!

Lost I' really pleased you ahve talked to dh and hopefully things will get better