Want to leave p - better now or later?

[christmasdilemma]

I want to tell p that I'm leaving him tonight. Would it be a really horrible thing to do before new year?

I've been struggling this from before xmas and had planned to wait until the new year. There'll always be something though to put it off - weddings, birthdays, committments. Before I know it'll be another year passed of living separate lives under one roof, sleeping in separate beds, no sex, no affection.

I've tried so hard to change things but he doesn't want it to be changed. I've talked until I'm blue in the face how I'm unhappy of how our relationship is heading. I've written letters and basically given him every opportunity to no avail.

Christmas has really taken the biscuit when he left me alone with ds to get pissed xmas eve and boxing day. He was too hungover to get up xmas day to open ds's presents and doesn't think it's a big deal as 'he's only 2 and won't remember'.

So tell me would it be horrible cos I'm just on the brink of packing my bag now??

Yeah marantha......of course, you're absolutely right, you know it all.

Spoke to my mum tonight. She's been through the same thing so totally understands where I'm coming from. Just wants me to be happy and she'll be there for me no matter what and we can sort things out from there.

Stidw - I have been the child stuck listening to my parents screaming and fighting and when they told me they were getting separated, frankly relieved. Luckily they got back together but it was a long process and they couldn't be happier with the changes they've made now.

sb I couldn't make him leave. It's his house, his inheritance (from his parents' death) and I would never feel right taking that away from him. He's already lost so much and depite what a selfish bastard he can be I just couldn't do that.

Tiff - sorry for your experience. I do worry about telling him because he's always said in a joking way that if I cheat on him/ take his son away 'he'l kill me cos it's only ten years and sure he can get a degree'. Purely taking the piss but has always unnerved me.

well if he thinks,even jokes along those lines,you just dont want to take the chance do you?

glad you've got your mum on your side too.

I think that you know the answer yourself. Maybe new year can be quite a big landmark?

marantha I was one of those women whose partner raped her and I lived in fear of him for years. Please don't speak on my behalf or people like me - having someone treat you like the OP's partner is demeaning and hurtful, I would class that as abusive and disrespectful.

Dilemma glad you plan to leave. Even if he didn't do these things, if you don't want to be with him, you can choose not to. You don't have to wait, just do it and start living your life how you want. Good luck for your future.

That's very gracious of you dilemma.

Seems like you have done all you can to try and kickstart your relationship to no avail.

If you want a fresh start, there's no time like the present.

I cannot believe the irresponsible advice being given to the OP here.

Yes, he may behave in a way that is demeaning and hurtful to her, yes he may be selfish- but the OP does not say that he is a physical threat to her or screams or shouts at her.

She does not appear to be in any danger from him, yet the majority of advice is: leave NOW, right NOW.

We have regressed so far as a society that the concept of planning and delaying our wants has gone out of the window.

And I still do not think that what this guy is doing is tantamount to rape/violence.

Seems a guy all a man has to do these days is be disrespectful and he is accused of abuse. Ridiculous.

sb6699 How can she make the guy leave NOW -as in NOW- if he has not actually done anything seriously abusive/ violent to her?
Do the police/authorities now have the power to evict a man from his property because he's a bit "disrespectful" to his partner and stays in bed? Or looked at her in a funny way?

Or do you mean that she can get the guy out of the home going through proper court procedures that will be skewed towards what is in the best interests of the child in the hope that she and child can live there sans partner?

marantha nobody is giving her advice to leave an abusive relationship. OP has asked if there is a good time to leave. Answers have been no, there never is, so, if you've decided, then don't delay. And it seems she has decided. This was a request for support and validation and that's what she got.

I see your point in asking if there's anything that can be done and understand that some people do "give up" too easily but nobody should stay in a relationship that makes them unhappy and undermines their self esteem unless it can be fixed - and it sounds like she's tried and put a lot of soul searching into this. You never know, maybe this will be the kick up the bum her partner needs to make an effort. Relationships involve more than one person trying.

House I know there is never a good time to leave a relationship, but certain times are better than others.

For what it is worth, I don't believe that a person should stay in a relationship that undermines their self-esteem, but given that the guy is of no obvious immediate threat to her, I just do not understand what is wrong with staying put, making plans and thinking about what to do.

I mean why does she have to leave right NOW?
She's put up with him for years, can't she wait a few more weeks until she is more sorted?

By the way, if he were hitting her, my advice WOULD be : "get out NOW".

She may need access to paperwork and stuff like that- she'll be in her mum's and out of the place where she keeps all her stuff.

There are also practicalities to consider- stuff the OP may not even realise until she has left.

IF the guy is violent/abusive, then, yeah, GET OUT NOW.
But if he is just selfish, I see no immediate hurry to leave.

It is awful to live with someone who doesn't care, but it's not the same as living with someone you are terrified of.

Bloody hell Marantha - you have no idea about abuse have you - it starts by not being listened to, by your very normal human wants being ignored - then it escalates - men like this the ones who have no problem with withholding the very basic human kindness are the ones that think nothing or really hurting their partners and it is most often when they realise that their controlling behaviour isn;t working.

I would get out and get out fast - abuse takes lots of forms, being screamed at and hit are just a few.

Actually, yes I have.
I think your view is distorted and ever so slightly over the top.

Not all abusive men DON'T listen to their partner. On the contrary, they are sometimes so insanely jealous that they listen to EVERY single word their partner says.

A lot of men who are selfish don't really give a s**t what happens to their partner BUT this doesn't mean they are cruel or abusive or that they will become so at a later date.

By your definition MadameCastafiore -"it starts by not being listened to, by your very normal human wants being ignored..." EVERY single person who has committed the sin of falling out of love with their partner is abusing them. Er, I don't think so.

Sounds like he has already left the two of you mentally. There is never going to be an easy time to do it.

LeninExcelsis What you say makes sense, I guess that sometimes things can't be micro-managed and a broad view has to be taken.
Perhaps I have a tendency to look at things in detail rather than looking at the big picture.

I certainly think that looking at the big picture would be necessary if he were an actual threat to OP and child, but I sort of sense that OP recognises he is not a THREAT to them as such, I think it's more a case of getting something unpleasant out of the way rather than building up to it for weeks on it.

This doesn't make the guy abusive, though.

abusive or not,she had already made the decision to leave when posting this....just the question of WHEN

Hi, I wish more than anything in this world that I had ended my marriage when my child was 2. She is now 4 half and I have no idea how we are going to get throught this with her, would have been much easier 2 yrs ago, so I do think the earlier the better!

but daisy,4 and a half is still easier than 6,which my ds was....and better than 10 which dd was, she was about to start secondary sch so had to start again with building network of friends

for kids i think the younger the better,its better than lingering in a dead relationship...kids pick up on everything

Go. Now. Don't let anyone try and rationalise what you know, in your head and heart is right.

Have a splendidly optimistic New Year.

De Ja Vue springs to mind...

I have posted (yesterday - Should I stay or should I go?) along the same lines.

I have been married for 5 years and have a 3 year old daughter. In my experience and from messages posted back to me, people don't change. If you are unhappy and have tried to talk to your partner about the reasons why you are unhappy and he has not listened to you or taken any interest at all, he will not be the man you want him to be.

My advise and this is gonna come hard, is that you leave him and don't go back. But don't just leave your home without anywhere to go.

I told my DH on the 23rd December that I had had enough. I like you, wanted to wait until after Xmas but circumstances didnt allow that.

STIDW said 'research indicates' living in a family when the parents do not get on is even worse for children. I lived with my parents for 10 years with them arguing or not talking. They split when I was 19 but should have done it when I was 9....we all would have been happier. Children adjust, trust me it would be worse staying in an unhappy relationship.

Good luck sweetie. I really do empathise with you.xx

Im so sorry, i think you sahould do what you want really. Sounds like it really does not matter when you tell him.
Hope you gets new life, and feel better soon/