Did your relationship with DH change when your dad died?

[Chuffinnora]

I would not say DH and I ever had a perfect relationship but we are now at the point where I've given up caring about him. I can no longer tolerate his fault and I wondered was it because my dad dies in July and now I feel there is no one to care for me?
Did I put up with DH because my dad was there to compensate? Anyone else notice a change when they lost their dad?

Not sure this will be helpful, but my relationship with DH changed when my Mum died...

First of all I was resentful of how little support he gave me during her longish illness before her death. He just didn't seem to appreciate the distress/stress I was going through. In fact I found I got more support from a (male) work colleague (but that's another story).

However five years on, and now my Dad is ill, and now I find myself feeling closer to DH as he my only 'relative' after my Dad. I don't know if its desperation, or if I'm really appreciating DH more?

I'm sorry you are going through this CM. I'm glad it is bringing you closer to your DH. It is pushing me further away from my DH. I just feel without my dad there is no one to catch me.

Anyone else?
I'm trying to make sense of the past few months and deciding whether splitting is the right thing to do.
I know children do better in a happy one parent home than a miserable 2 parent home but is this a blip, a reaction to my dad dying?

Chuffin
Sorry I didn't reply sooner. How long is it since your Dad died? These things do take a long time to get over. I think what I learnt from my Mum's death is that I became very introspective and quite disatisfied with my life too - a bereavement brings home how fragile and time-limited life is, and how a 'wasted day' is never recovered.

I came to the conclusion that men in general, and my DH in particular, aren't very good at giving you the comfort you need, in the way you need it. After Mum's death I just needed to talk to someone about it all - to talk through it, again and again, to try to make sense of it. DH however just resorted to 'problem solving' mode and 'had an answer' for everything which just annoyed the hell out me. I remember on one occasion flying off the handle with him and saying "will you just sit and hug me, and let me cry, rather than coming back with suggestions/ solutions for every f**king thing I say?"

Sounds to me like it's too soon to be making any rash decisions about your relationship. Do you have female friends/ family who you can lean on for support at the moment, while you try to ignore your DH's faults and come to terms with your bereavement?

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this.

Hello Chuffinnora

I'm sorry about your Dad

To answer your question, yes, my relationship with XH did changed after my father's death. Having said that, it wasn't so great anyway. He seemed annoyed by my 'needing' him, especially when my needs interfered with his own plans (like missing the Grand Prix to come to Dad's funeral)

My Dad was a horrid person, but that doesn't do much to reduce the grief when they die - if anything, it complicates matters. I think I was patterning my relationships on my parents'. After Dad was gone, I seem to have gradually become aware of how crap my marriage was!

Whether any of this applies to you or not - don't make any major decisions for six months after a bereavement. It's in all the grief books, for good reasons - it takes at least a year for your feelings to settle, and the first 6 months are weird by any standards!

Give him - and yourself - a break. Take care

Thanks for replying. Dad died in July after a short illness aged 71. I think I took it quite well and my main priority is making sure my mum (married 48 years) is ok. Trouble is no one is making sure I'm ok. DH carries on in his own sweet way. Never worrying about me and the kids, he works away from home a lot but he has also started to go away for football weekends which he never did before.

All in all I feel like I'm juggling everyone and no one is checking on me. DH has changed a bit but probably not that much - I think I'm just not willing to put up with him anymore. Maybe I felt like my dad would always look after me and now he's not there I don't want to waste my life on DH..

Hi Chuff unfortunately when my dad died i went through the same emotions i too thought it was grief but then again everything my husband did was not right from the gambling to the drinking, and to top it up my mum died and i suddenly started seeing clearly i laid the cards on the table and he took the easy way out instead of changing his ways he left, if there is anything for you to salvage do it trust me its very difficult either way whether he stays or goes but the key word in this picture is LOVE does it still excist good luck to both of you

I don't think he loves me nor do I love him anymore. We always were the type to in fight under pressure but something has changed.
I keep thinking that I'm wasting my life in a loveless marriage but then I think "don't be so selfish - the children need a father and maybe we can get over this?".

I agree that you feel differently about a wasted day when you lose someone you love. I think it has made me more intolerant of shit.

When someone you love has died, it's not the time to make any important decisions.

Is counselling an option for you? It might help you put your thoughts in order, and work out what to do.

I can understand.
Had you considered separating before?
Having parents married for a long time is a subtle pressure to do the same.

Once one or both has gone, that pressure is not there.

I felt better about divorcing after my gran died for this reason.
Hope I am not way off the mark

No I think you are right. The other day I thought "at least my dad won't know we split up". My mum is more tolerant and understanding. Dad would have been Disappointed.

Counselling is a bit of a difficult one for me. I am a counsellor - although not worked in bereavement I was in substance misuse for 8 years. I know the positive effect of a good counsellor but equally the negatives of a poor one and I know getting one or the other is just chance.
I genuinely don't know what - if anything - to do.

Both of my parents have died. My Dad died when I was 22 and had been with DH for 2 years. My Mum died just after we got married.

I feel acutely the lack of someone to look after me, to make everything alright, in a way that only a Father can. However, that is not DH's fault, it's my father's for bloody well dying.

When my Dad was ill I had counselling and said that my biggest fear was how I was going to fill that gap. My counsellor said that you had to accept that it will never be filled, or that you have to fill it yourself, otherwise you;ll spend your life looking to replace a relationship that you can't replace.

Often I will get upset or angry with DH for being useless, or incompetent or unsupportive but actually he's nothing of the sort - I just want my Dad back.

Grief is an awful thing to deal with but mainly because you deal with it often with no outward signs. Noone knows how difficult it is to get through each day because you do it regardless.

I'm not saying that there aren't problems with your DH but I think you have to be very careful to not punish DH for not taking care of you like a father would.

Fruitsticks - your words are very real and touching - you made me smudge my mascara.
That is exactly what I'm worried about. I'm expecting DH to make up for the loss if my dad and when I look at him I find him sadly lacking. Was he always? Did I just ignore or put up with his failings before?
DH was 40 this year and I think he had a definite male menopause type wobble which was probably inevitable, and linked to my dad dying and unfortunate timing.
Am I just too hard on DH or am I being a mug for putting up with him and chucking my chances for real happiness (not necessarily with anyone) away?
God sorry, a real stream of consciousness there

my relationship with DP has never been the same since my father died four years ago And reading this thread has been the only thing that has made me realise - i too am hyper critical of DP. This is food for thought - im so sorry about your dad chuffin.

You need to give yourself time to sort your feelings out, i dont know what your answers will be but i certainly woudlnt make any big changes just now.

I think a key factor when your parents become older/ill or die is the inevitable shift of responsibility. I do think women shoulder most of the burden of responsibility - for widowed elderly parents/ children and even their own DH/DP.

That's how I feel now - in the classic 'sandwich generation' - caught between caring for young children and elderly relatives - just getting through every day/ coping etc but not living my life as I had hoped I would be at my age.

Even if men are emotionally supportive and do their fair share of the household chores/tasks they still never seem to take on the responsibility IYKWIM.

• Only I notice that the kids' shoes are getting too tight
• Only I will remember that DH needs to get his repeat prescription 2 weeks before we go on holiday
• Only I notice that the beds need changing/ something needs tidying/ mending etc
• Only I will think to ask my Dad if he has renewed his house insurance (he hadn't)

Dh will do these things if I ask him, but the responsibility for knowing that they need doing always remains with me. And that's what overwhelms me - millions of these sorts of things whizzing through my head every day.

DH took DS1 to his parents yesterday, and I stayed here with a sick DS2 . Because I hadn't done the packing, DH managed to forgot to take DS's pyjamas, toothbrush and a few other important things.

Chuffin - I do understand your feelings - really I do... I've been known to shout at DH "and who's taking care of me??" when he's complaining about something trivial.
Before Christmas I was laid up for a week with Swine Flu, and DH was trying to pretend to be caring, but was letting rather too many "will you be better tomorrow?" and "can you just do this" etc.

It's shit, isn't it?

I am sorry for your loss. Even though July is a few months ago I imagine you may still be reeling from the death of your father. I was but didn't realise how much and for how long until a year later.

DH and I drifted so far apart after my dad died, I didn't think we would make it back and didn't think I really cared. If was the grief and his lack of support that did it.

He is not a bad person, just a man, unable to express his own emotions very well and therefore unable to deal with mine. It took time, but we made it back on track and in retrospect I know it was because losing my dad was huge and hit me so much harder than I had realised at the time. I think it scared DH, he reacted by trying to give me time and space when what I needed was a shoulder to cry on and lots of tlc.

Men are from mars etc. etc.

It may be worth giving it time and working at it.

Chuffinnora - yes, my relationship with my DH changed when my Dad died. Radically. I realised I could no longer stay with him, and separated. We've been divorced for nearly 4 years - though I still count him as a good friend.

I think a father's death often changes the dynamic in a relationship - especially (and I'm not necessarily saying this is the same for yours, but it was definitely my experience) when the relationship was based on a parent-child dynamic. In many ways, I had married my father when I married my then-DH: they were very, very similar in several key ways.

I'm sorry if this comes across as brutal - it isn't meant to be. But I think this experience is true for many women - definitely not all, but many.

All the best.

I was only 21 when my dad died and had been with DP just three or four months, so it's difficult to say. But I had a very close, loving, supportive relationship with my father, to whom my DP did not (and does not, if I'm honest) compare. I'm not sure if that is just because the relationship between a father and daughter (or indeed any parent/child) is inherently different from a romantic one - the love is unconditional and parents are less selfish with their children. I'm only child too so was sort of on a pedestal. Or maybe my DP just isn't the man my father was? Maybe he will become so with age because he is still in his early twenties and my father a good forty years older than him at his death. I have tried to not compare them as individuals or compare his treatment of me to my father's way with me - I cannot expect my DP to 'father' me, to fill in his place.

I wouldn't make any long-term decisions about your relationship until you have grieved a little more, allowed this to settle in you. Grief tinges everything, makes it seem so empty and grey and 'not right' or 'not enough'. We can idolise the dead so easily and living mortals will never compare favourably.

Love to you at this difficult time Chuff x

Thanks for all your advice. I'm a bit to be doing the relationship falling apart at Christmas thing.

I think you are all right. I will wait for Christmas to be over and give our relationship a bit more time.
I went for a long walk alone today and decided I would no longer allow anyone else to be in control of my happiness but to take responsibility myself. I will get out more, socialise, put my own plans into action and if DH wants to continue being a selfish twat then so be it.
Maybe I am looking for someone to care for me and provide a bit of what my dad gave me but that's not so much to ask for in a husband is it?
Thanks. It really helped to have other peoples perspective.

I don't have experience of this, but I have noticed that some men only want to engage with issues if they can 'fix' them. If they can't, they find it difficult and give inappropriate responses.

Hi, if you are still there Chuffinora - I would say - don't rule out counselling.

Speaking personally, I know it can be hard to go for help yourself when you have been a mental health professional. Forgive me if I am wrong, but it may be that you feel you ought to have all the "answers" yourself.

You also make a valid point about not all counsellors being skilled, but there is really no harm in pursuing it and then stopping if it doesn't feel right. So much is down to indefinable rapport anyway.

If you have any associates in the profession - could you ask around for someone good ? Or maybe a friend might be able to recommend someone ?

BTW - I have direct experience of this- saw a counsellor at GP clinic following a bereavement, and she was too young and inexperienced. Then found a homeopath (I was pg and getting lots of headaches at the time). Although I am sceptical about homeopathy, this lady was, co-incidentally, a bereavement counsellor, and fantastic. She saved my life !

So I know it's pot-luck .....

Hi Jamie - I think you are right, I do think I should know how to fix this. My experience is in Sub Misuse, I don't know anyone who does marriage guidance (is it called that still?).
I did have a look at the Relate website last night but it was all a bit vague.

Maybe the first place to start would be bereavement counselling but I don't feel like this a bereavement issue for just me. I think it is being married to a selfish idiot issue and he should be part of the solution as he is so much a part of the problem.

Check out the BACP website - lots of useful info there.

Best of luck x

Thanks. Will do.