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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP says he wants to separate, i think he means it this time and i dont know what to do

36 replies

ijustwanttoaskaquestion · 27/12/2009 17:49

Oh god oh god oh god - i am just sat here in disbelief. DP and I have been together for 17 years, its been bad really since DD came along four years ago - but its not her, its him trying to run his own business and the financial pressure that goes with it.

I started a thread about buying a mattress, basically i had to tell him we needed to use present money to pay mortfage - he went into foul mood. But we carried on, as usual - but then the sniping started. This is soething we both do, but honestly, this time its all come from him.

He didn't buy me a present this year, we agreed that we wouldnt but he got in a strop because i bought him a sweatshirt for £20!! I was fine about the no present as i know we are broke and there is nothing i want really but i did rather want a token present, but what really hurt was that he didnt even buy me a card

Before xmas we had a big row (over nothing) and he said that he would stay till after xmas then go, then he changed it to he would stay but only for DD but that we were finished. That i coudlnt make him leave his DD and to be honest i couldnt do it to her, she adores him.

So just now he says, hes had enough, he wants to call it a day - i feel sick sick sick to my stomach. I love him so much but i dont have the energy for this anymore - its just draining me of everything i have - we managed a lovely xmas day and boxing day, but we had other people around us. Today it was just us and this is how it has ended up.

He is playing with DD, earlier he told me he hated me, in front of DD and i can't stand it when he does this as she has started saying it too

I am LEM so many of you will remember me, i thought i was doing really well, been actively seeking work however thats not been great, but we have been talking about me really giving the business one last push to try and make it work - we have work set up for the whole of january through march so it could work, it really could - but now this, he is laying on the floor by my feet - i just want to ask for a cuddle, but the words wont come

I dont know what to do - i dont want him to leave, but i dont see how we can go on, "not together" for DDs sake - every time i try to speak he says "are you still going on"

What can i do - please help me, i dont want to loose the love of my life, but its looking like its too late

OP posts:
FabHasHadALovelyXmas · 27/12/2009 17:53

Let him go.

Make a new life for yourself and your daughter.

Have some breathing space.

If he comes back, it is because he wants too and not because he has too.

He won't be expecting you to help him back, call his bluff.

Original poster
ijustwanttoaskaquestion · 27/12/2009 17:55

thts just it though fab, he doesnt want to "go" but he wants it over - WTF??? to be honest, i dont have the strength to let him go anyway - i can't live without him

OP posts:
SleighGirl · 27/12/2009 18:01

I think you have to tell him that if the relationship is over then you need to live seperately and take it from there.

GypsyMoth · 27/12/2009 18:02

LEM?? sorry,am i being thick?

sounds like he is wanting you to leave instead. or for you to force the issue and chuck him out

is the mortgage payments all getting too much? financial pressure,sounds like he's under alot of strain providing and he wants out....its toufgh,but gather some dignity and sound out what he actually envisages happening

FabHasHadALovelyXmas · 27/12/2009 18:02

So he wants to live with you as normal except for sleeping in another room and no sex?

Would that work for you?

You can live without him and you have to believe it as one day you might have too.

Original poster
ijustwanttoaskaquestion · 27/12/2009 18:05

i cannot take my little girls daddy away from her - i just can't - i will do ANYTHING to keep our family together - we can't sleep in separate rooms, there are no spare rooms. Im hoping if i carry on as normal and be nice to him that he will forget what he said and let us stay together - i am not a very nice person sometimes (those of you who remember me as Lucyellensmum will know that already) but i cannot destroy my DDs life

OP posts:
coldtits · 27/12/2009 18:07

no no no.

He doesn't get to say he doesn't want to be with you then snuggle up in your nice living room

Kick him the fuck out, at least for the night. Let him spend a week sofa surfing.

GypsyMoth · 27/12/2009 18:08

you wont be destroying her life by leaving/ending this

is this an example for her? to stay where you arent wanted for her sake? she wont thank you for that,but might go on to stay in a relationship the same. is that what you'd prefer??her growing up with unhappy ,warring parents??

traceybath · 27/12/2009 18:08

But LEM you can't make him want to stay.

I remember all your threads about your DH's business - it sounds like its still not going great which must be very stressful.

And you can't let your DD see him treat you this way - saying he hates you in front of her is so not on.

You can survive without him and your life may actually be a whole lot less stressful?

I do think though you should concentrate on getting a job yourself - working in his business wouldn't be a good idea. Far too stressful for both of you. Also wouldn't a regular income from you make things a bit easier?

coldtits · 27/12/2009 18:09

Stop it, you sound like a doormat. How very dare he put all the blame for this onto you? Never mind 'let' him go, MAKE him go!!!!!! Tell him to fuck offski to his mothers. Then don't speak to him at all. Wait for him to contact you.

Don't you dare give him a leash to yank you with!

FabHasHadALovelyXmas · 27/12/2009 18:10

This marriage is not a partnership.

sb6699 · 27/12/2009 18:12

I think you need to speak to him and find out exactly what he wants the situation to be. Does he think that you should just allow him to stay in the house but have no relationship with you?

Financial stuff puts enormous pressure on a marriage (have been there), maybe he's just not coping and lashing out at you because he doesnt know what else to do.

On the other hand, if you are both unhappy maybe it is the right time to let him go? Even though it probably hurts to even think about it, you can carry on without him. Things might even be better for you without all the sniping and arguing.

Sorry you're in this situation LEM.

Twinkleandpearls · 27/12/2009 18:15

I don't know the backstory but dp and I were put under immense pressure when we had financial problems. We totally adore each other but we came close to splitting up a number of time and bickered for a long time.

AboardtheAxiom · 27/12/2009 18:16

Sorry thear you are still having problems LEM, I think you should think here about what is best for your DD. Then follow coldtit's advice.

You deserve better, really you do.

OfficiallyMe · 27/12/2009 18:18

i remember you're old threads

he is draining you

you and your DD can do so much better without him

You are a great Mum

let him f off to his utopia and yourself and your DD get on with things

you wont want him when he decides to come crawling back

SolidGoldpiginablanket · 27/12/2009 18:42

I remember you as well LEM. THis man is a complete parasite who is basically dangling the threat of leaving over your head to make you a) do whatever he wants you to do and b) suffer (because he's a miserable loser who wants to bring everyone around him down).
Tell him to leave. You will be amazed how much better life gets without him draining your energy, time and money (he has been fucking around with his stupid failure of a business for years).

itsmeolord · 27/12/2009 18:49

The love of your life wouldn't have you feeling this shit for this long.

He doesn't want to go because that means he doesn't get to stay in his comfy bed, have his meals cooked, lie on his floor all cosy......

Stop pandering to him, agree that it is for the best if you split and ak him when he is moving out as you need to get the details sorted out.
Take the control back and start to buld a life of your own instead of one that revolves around him.

Honestly, he is pissing you and your dd about, a child so does not need to hear that her father hates her mother. That is emotional abuse and it is wrong.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 27/12/2009 19:32

LEM - I remember you well but I had a different name then too. There's nothing wrong with you .....

justaboutisfatandtired · 27/12/2009 19:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MuthaHubbard · 27/12/2009 19:45

Tell him to leave...he is the one wanting to end the relationship.

Do you really want your daughter to grow up being told she is hated and treated like crap.....as that is the example you are setting

lowenergylightbulb · 27/12/2009 19:54

I'm mainly a lurker but I do remember your other threads.

I'm really sorry but from what you have said here and based on 'previous' I really don't think that you and your DH being together is good for your daughter, for you or for him.

It all sounds tense, miserable, draining and such hard work.

I think that you have flogged this particular horse to death and that you all need to move on and be happy.

harimosmummy · 27/12/2009 20:01

Oh, LEM, I remember your posts. And I remember you as a very nice person

Look, I understand more than you know about wanting to maintain a relationship for your DD - I have seen my DSDs be used as weapons by their mother for too long..

But, what's the alternative? is it really healthy for her to hear that her father hates her mother?

And, if he stays only for her, at what point does he call it a day? One of my good friend's fathers did this. he left on his DS's 18th birthday. Nice present, eh? And the children he stayed for? that he sacraficed so many years for? they don't speak to him or see him now. He doesn't even know he has grandchildren.

Take a deep breath and tell him what you want:

that you want to stay together, but that this has to be wanted by both of you and that if he doesn't want that, then he should go.

You can do this.

HM x

Original poster
ijustwanttoaskaquestion · 27/12/2009 20:02

Right - so, we have talked, in as much as you can talk with me in tears and DD wondering what the fuck is going on.

He says he doesnt want to end it, but to be honest, i dont know - I certainly dont want to end it - i think we have a future together, i certainly cant see one without him. Im not a doormat - believe me, the row was my fault, but he HAS to stop this shit of "ive had enough, i want to call it a day" its almost his way of saying, right, cant cope, i want the shit to stop - this is the only way i know how. Im going to try and talk to him properly later - cant talk with DD around, its not fair.

Ive been throwing up for the past half hour so hope im not going down with a tummy bug - not what i need

Right now i am very angry with DP, i would actually like to punch him in the stomach - thats what i can visualise when i shut my eyes!! I'm doing my upmost to be upbeat - he has a shit few weeks ahead but after that we have the opportunity to kick the business into touch - he cant do it without me thats for sure, and i want to give it one last try. Ive been looking for work, nothing - ive applied for over 50 jobs so far, but none of them really enough money to cover childcare etc, even with DD at school - so am going to change tack and apply for part time stuff until DD settles in school better - she is one of the youngest in her class and does struggle a bit, so i feel i need to be here in the venings for her for a bit longer. I NEED to be working, for the sake of my sanity - but it also has to work financially and nothing that i have applied for would really work due to travel expenses and childcare - so need to start looking locally etc. Cleaning or shop work (not bad for someone with a PhD eh?) but im not proud, i want something that fits in with the family as that is my priority now.

I am sorry really for posting this thread - silly of me - just so tired now - believe me when i say im not going to be a door mat - but i aint throwing 17 years of happiness down the drain either because he needs a kick up his fat arse!

OP posts:
TheFallenMadonna · 27/12/2009 20:04

Are you having these conversations in front of your DD?

harimosmummy · 27/12/2009 20:04

And, LEM, I have got to agree with solidgold, he's been pissing around with this business, but not treating it like a bloody business (more of a hobby, IMHO) for YEARS now.