DP says he wants to separate, i think he means it this time and i dont know what to do

[ijustwanttoaskaquestion]

Oh god oh god oh god - i am just sat here in disbelief. DP and I have been together for 17 years, its been bad really since DD came along four years ago - but its not her, its him trying to run his own business and the financial pressure that goes with it.

I started a thread about buying a mattress, basically i had to tell him we needed to use present money to pay mortfage - he went into foul mood. But we carried on, as usual - but then the sniping started. This is soething we both do, but honestly, this time its all come from him.

He didn't buy me a present this year, we agreed that we wouldnt but he got in a strop because i bought him a sweatshirt for £20!! I was fine about the no present as i know we are broke and there is nothing i want really but i did rather want a token present, but what really hurt was that he didnt even buy me a card

Before xmas we had a big row (over nothing) and he said that he would stay till after xmas then go, then he changed it to he would stay but only for DD but that we were finished. That i coudlnt make him leave his DD and to be honest i couldnt do it to her, she adores him.

So just now he says, hes had enough, he wants to call it a day - i feel sick sick sick to my stomach. I love him so much but i dont have the energy for this anymore - its just draining me of everything i have - we managed a lovely xmas day and boxing day, but we had other people around us. Today it was just us and this is how it has ended up.

He is playing with DD, earlier he told me he hated me, in front of DD and i can't stand it when he does this as she has started saying it too

I am LEM so many of you will remember me, i thought i was doing really well, been actively seeking work however thats not been great, but we have been talking about me really giving the business one last push to try and make it work - we have work set up for the whole of january through march so it could work, it really could - but now this, he is laying on the floor by my feet - i just want to ask for a cuddle, but the words wont come

I dont know what to do - i dont want him to leave, but i dont see how we can go on, "not together" for DDs sake - every time i try to speak he says "are you still going on"

What can i do - please help me, i dont want to loose the love of my life, but its looking like its too late

what about you? You've been very accommodating about his needs, your DD's needs, and generally the happiness of your family.

Think about yourself and what you want, and how you want to be treated. It's possible to love someone, but decide you just aren't compatible.

Oh LEM - I do feel that if your DH just gave up on his business and got a job all your lifes would be a lot easier.

You have to be a certain type of person to run a business and with the best will in the world it just doesn't seem that your DH is that type of person.

I do also think that you being involved could just cause you both more stress. If its cashflow/invoicing thats the problem then he'd be better off getting a good accountant.

Is he actually making any money/profit? Cash-flow issues aside.

I know its hard DH has had to write off a lot of money this year as a result of non-payment from clients but they factor this in so whilst not ideal it doesn't cause major problems.

harimo, you are right, but this past few months he has made a real change in his approach and we were on a good innings until a client pulled out at the last minutes (as in, he was on his way there!!!) for a job that would have covered us for xmas - four weeks - he somehow managed to get himself more work in and now has more work than he can deal with - literally, we need to sit down and make some tough decisions about what jobs to take etc. We are sorting out our debts and thats working out well, the next month is the teller, if he can't make decent money out of what he has lined up then yes, its a dead horse. Thing is, we dont have any choice really but to carry on with the business = hes a builder as you know, and there is no work out there - most of the builder friends he has who work for other people are out of work and its scary - we are lucky that we have work lined up, we just have to make it work and he does honestly realise that he needs to become more proactive - its tough as we have no money to finance it, but i can just see a spark of opportunity - but he HAS to let me take more control and be less of a child about that.

This situation is less than perfect, but honestly, things have been better - i am NOT going to allow this to degenerate into how things were - he is going to have to buck himself up - and i need to be less of a rotweiller - but honeslty, he would make the pope swear and jump up and down screaming!

2010 is going to be a much better year in shez LEM, it IS!!

I think you need to call his bluff. Find out if he really does want to go.

you are not taking your dds dad from her. he is doing it to himself. please don't blame yourself. he's a wimp.

hi dittany - how are you old duck??- no, my name isnt on the house deeds - but that matters not, if we split and sold the house, any profit would have to pay off our debts.

I am steaming angry right now - im NOT having this in front of DD, he is putting her to bed now, and im going to make us a curry and resist the temptation to poison him (although i am going to put extra chilli's in his, cos, thats the grown up thing to do isnt it??)

I feel soo much better these days, less self pity and more proactive - im not allowing a glitch in the finances to drag us down again.

I'm not sure this will be helpful but if you don't want this to end but you also aren't going to be a doormat then you have to start to appear to be strong, a little aloof and perhaps distance yourself mentally from the emotion surrounding this. If you can show him that you don't need him and that you are a strong and capable woman you can retain your dignity whatever happens. This may not sound important if your heart is breaking but if you act it, you'll find it much easier to be it.

If you can do this, whatever happens you will have positioned yourself well to carry on. I'm not expressing this well but, if you can, try to stop the tears and be strong.

Hmm... if you get to the end of next month with it as busy as you can be, and things still aren't good what then? So his builder friends can't get building work - so what would he be willing to do? If at the end of next month things were still bad could he swallow his pride, get a job anywhere and have regular, reliable money coming in for the mortgage??

Being self employed is stressful and as you know an reliable source of income - scary when you have a mortgage which needs paying.

Definately look into getting something part time as I think it would do you good. Good luck with it all.

ok so we have had a chat - ive told him that we have to stop this and he agrees, that we will never argue in front of DD again - poor wee mite, my mother rang in the middle of it all and started screaming at me that i take the piss out of her - why? because she rang and asked me to take a xmas pudding round to her that we diednt use at xmas - i forgot - i had other things going on FFS!! Anyway, i put the phone down on her but screamed at dp to fuck off, top of my voice - in front of DD, believe me, im deeply ashamed of myself - that will not be happening again, i stormed out with the pudding (even though my mother wouldknt answer the door - child!) and apparently DD told DP that i scared her not feeling so good about myself right now - both DP and i need a kick up the arse