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Original poster

Tell me again why people get married?

61 replies

wetsuitone · 26/12/2009 17:46

I'm hoping for positive responses. Every time I come here, there's so much that's negative about marital relationships that I figure why bother? Surely, there must be something on the other side of the equation.

Thanks!

OP posts:
BigBadMummy · 26/12/2009 21:45

I asked my husband why we got married and his response?

"you can't try wife swapping without one".

Ahem.

For me, all the reasons stated by people above.

eatsshootsleaves · 26/12/2009 23:11

Amongst many reasons, here's a few:

We love each other
To show commitment to my dh
To want friends and family to acknowledge our love and commitment to each other
We wanted to
We want to stay with each other for the rest of our lives
No matter how bad I'm feeling about the day I've had, dh gives me a reason to come home.
He is the only one I trust with anything and everything
I know that he will be there for me no matter what
No man can compare to him imo
He is the one, the love of my life, protector, lover etc
I cannot imagine life without dh...

I know some of it sounds 'corny' but I would literally give the same answers if anyone else asked me in person.

Anyway, re your point on hearing negativity about marriage; it hasn't been plain sailing and there have been some difficult times but a deal is a deal and we do try to make things work which I don't think we would have done if we were not married.

Original poster
wetsuitone · 27/12/2009 17:47

Where I'm from, about half of marriages in my generation are estimated to fail. It's about 40% right now (society wide).

Marriage seems to risky and costly to me. Plus, if you only have an average marriage, the benefits don't seem to outweigh the costs. I am aware that if one only gets one views of marriage from the trainwrecks one actually hears about, one gets a twisted view of things, but it still seems like a lousy deal.

That said, I am generally in favour of marriage and think that society as a whole (not any given individual, but society as a whole, two VERY different things), is better off if everyone is married.

In other words, I'm catholic on the matter of marriage. :D

OP posts:
Jamieandhismagictorch · 27/12/2009 19:17

Together nearly 20 years, married for 12.

Reasons :

Wanted to be married. Did not give a toss about the wedding really.

Unbelievable as it sounds, the first time I saw his, I thought -" you look nice - I'd like to marry you"

We are better people together than we were apart

We both think the other is just really nice and very funny

Financial and legal reasons

Jamieandhismagictorch · 27/12/2009 19:21

agree with eatsshootsleaves as well

dippymummyto2boys · 27/12/2009 23:36

We got married 2 years after meeting. We have been together for 7 years.

I really, really look forward to seeing him after work each day
He is great in bed
He is kind; he makes my life so much better and more fun
We trust each other (types this while madly touching wood)
He is a fab dad (but I didn't know that at the time we got married)

RobynLou · 27/12/2009 23:44

because its a public declaration of our love - even if you run away to get married, you're making a statement to everyone you tell you're married that you decided you love that person enough to make those vows.

he's lovely and I love him.

mollybob · 28/12/2009 11:43

Married my DH after 3 months because he asked, because I really fancied him, because I really liked him and because he made me laugh and I couldn't imagine ever not wanting to waken up next to him.

Still feel the same. He's lovely, a great Dad and incredibly kind - kindness is very under-rated IMHO.

Statistics are irrelevant as even if 99% of marriages failed you could be the other 1% and if 99% succeeded there still would be no guarantees.

There are lots of reasons why a marriage works - shared values, shared goals, good communication and kindness (again) and some less easily defined things. We have had to work at it but it's still great and I'm still happy to waken up next to him every day (after 13 years)

NomDePlume · 28/12/2009 11:58

we really liked each other and thought, heck why not?! We had DD (11mo when we got married) and of course we had DS1 & DS2 from DH's practice run with wife no1. 7yrs on things are still good, I'm still glad I'm Mrs NDP & he is still glad he is my Mr, so I think (hope) we've got it right for the long haul.

NomDePlume · 28/12/2009 12:00

we have been together 9yrs. we got married just over 2yrs after meeting

marantha · 28/12/2009 12:04

From the point of view of having a loving relationship- I don't think it matters whether the couple marry or not.
If they love each other and are devoted to one another they'll be that way regardless of marital status.

BUT from a legal point of view, I believe it is very important to be married in terms of next-of-kin issues and the like e.g. if your partner dies intestate. As a married person, if your spouse dies intestate you are next-in-line, if your PARTNER dies intestate you will not be considered automatically- you will have to jump through hoops to be classed as a dependent and even then you may receive nothing.

Some have put forward the idea of making cohabitation akin to marriage as regards rights.
There are two (at least two) serious objections to this:

1, Not everybody wants to be tied legally to the person they are living with in a sexual relationship. Essentially it would be an attack on their right to live in a union free of legal ties.

2, It would be difficult to assess exactly what degree of seriousness would be required to inherit.

Trikken · 28/12/2009 12:05

he is my best friend and i love him more than life itself.

marantha · 28/12/2009 12:06

I'm sorry if this seems a bit hard-headed but although marriage IS most definitely about love and commitment, I think it is primarily about declaring your couple status so that others (and the state)are aware of it.

Because after all there are cohabitees who are absolutely devoted to one another.

marantha · 28/12/2009 12:46

OP, IF you are in a relationship and both of you wish it to be long-term as each other's next-of-kin and so on. If you can make yourselves "married" in the ways you wish to be (making a will citing each other as NOK and so on) without actually being married then in all honesty I see no reason why you should have to actually marry.

Just don't- like a lot do nowadays- expect the law to treat you as married when you're actually not as regards certain aspects of finances and legalities because IMO that's really annoying.

TheArmadillo · 28/12/2009 13:37

I'm planning to get married to dp in March (we will have been together 10 years, have 1 ds and another dc on the way).

I want to get married and have for a long time. Yes because I love him and all that guff but more for legal reasons. I don't feel the need to make a public statement on my relationship, but I do want to have the legal protection it brings.

A) cos if he dies at the moment I would not be entitled to anything and the same if anything happens to me.

B) if I became seriously ill and could no longer take decisions my parents are my next of kin. I do not get on with them and this idea that they would be completely responsible for me and my life (and dp would have no say) is terrifying. Technically it would be the same if he got ill, but I get along very well with ILs.

so mostly legalities. Plus it would represent a break from my parents. I would no longer carry their name or anything like that.

marantha · 28/12/2009 13:54

I think we live in a society that is a bit mad regarding the whole marriage thing.

We have forgotten that its primary purpose is for legal reasons- not romantic ones as two cohabitees can live in an utterly devoted state without actually being married.

Society gets so wrapped with the romance of marriage that its primary function i.e. to legalise and formalise a relationship gets forgotten.

As marriage is seen as a romantic/love affair nowadays those who have loving relationships don't feel the need for the "piece of paper" of marriage, yet because they DON'T have marital rights they sometimes demand them as cohabitees without realising that all they have to do is to get married to have them. Madness.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 28/12/2009 15:02

I agree with you marantha

mrsjammi · 28/12/2009 15:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Squitten · 28/12/2009 15:09

I got married for a few different reasons:

  • We loved each other and wanted to make a public and religious commitment followed by a rather nice knees-up to celebrate with friends and family
  • We wanted to make a legal commitment to provide stability and security in our future family
  • We wanted to be financially and legally secured before we had any children

Marantha is entirely right - marriage is a legal concept about merging resources. Anyone in a relationship can enjoy the emotional bits but marriage provides a legal framework for a relationship which I think is particularly important for kids, etc.

ThumbleBells · 28/12/2009 15:12

marantha, I think I must be hardheaded too then.

As well as loving DH and wanting to have children with him and spend the rest of my life with him, we got married probably primarily because he is Australian and I am British and it is much easier to deal with the formalities if married than just co-habiting. And even then it isn't that easy.
Also I did want our DC to be the product of a married relationship (purely personal preference). I love being married though.

ThumbleBells · 28/12/2009 15:13

Oops, meant to add Congratulations to OJ - so glad you have found a lovely someone new.

Original poster
wetsuitone · 28/12/2009 17:56

Marantha,

Of all the posts I've read (good one all btw), this is the one I understand best. It's also the reason why marriage is so terrifying to me. With the legal status comes various legal remedies should the relationship fail. This gives me serious pause. That plus the fact that I've never felt like marrying anyone (except when I was younger and dumber and was emotionally coerced into proposing. Thank god I called that wedding off, and thank god I've grown up a bit since then).

OP posts:
NewnameSameoldme · 28/12/2009 18:05

x

STIDW · 28/12/2009 19:09

Why do people get married.

Companionship - Someone to grow old with

Stability - Although divorce rates are high marriages last significantly longer than cohabiting relationships. Stability has a positive effect on children whilst multiple changes to the structure of the family have a negative impact.

Commitment - Statistically cohabiting partners are more likely to be unfaithful

Economics - Married men earn more than single or cohabiting men. Married childless women earn the same as single or cohabiting women without children. All women who take time out of employment to have children lose some earning power-whether they are married or not. However, cohabiting and lone mothers often lack access to the father's income, making it more difficult to balance their caring responsibilities with their careers.

Health - Cohabitants have more health problems than married people, probably because cohabitants put up with behaviour in their partners which husbands and wives would discourage, particularly regarding smoking, alcohol and substance abuse. Cohabitants are also much more likely to suffer from depression than married people.

Paolosgirl · 28/12/2009 19:13

What STIDW said

Plus I would have been mightily pissed off if he was OK with making a legal commitment to the bank in the form of a mortgage with me, happy to have children with me, but not happy to make a legal commitment to me.

Oh - and I love him