Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this a sign of cheating?

42 replies

sharon137 · 22/12/2009 01:49

Hi all - I have not posted on here before, I am usually on the Pregnancy thread - 32 weeks with first baby.
I live with my partner of six years in a house we bought together at the start of 09, we were both thrilled about the pregnancy, and have a great relationship, get on well, best friends, lots of affection etc. There has not been much sex at all lately, which I do worry about, but I figured he could be concerned because I am preg, uncomfortable about doing it, etc - plus to be honest I have not been feeling particularly sexy either!
Anyway - I work from home and today he forgot to take his phone to work. I picked it up and looked through his inbox and sent texts - I dont know why, I wasnt feeling suspicious, I am just nosy! I found a text to a woman whose name I recognise, she is a friend of friends but I have not met her, sent yesterday afternoon, saying "Hey lovely would love to see you tonight if thats ok". She replied "Definitely would love that xx"
This was followed by him texting me to say he had to do something for work and would be a bit late home. So that is a definite lie, I know that, but the thing is he gets pot from this woman so I am not surprised he didnt want me to know he was going there - he doesnt smoke much, but I dont like him smoking at all really. It is the "hello lovely" and the kisses that make me feel ill.. But of course I cant really say anything as I was snooping in the first place... What do you all think???

OP posts:
cathcat · 22/12/2009 01:54

I'm sorry you are in this position.
If he buys pot from her, why is she requesting him to meet up with her? I think you will have to ask him about this.
Can you think of other times he could have been meeting up with her?
Keep posting. Try not to stress yourself, difficult I know.

hobbgoblin · 22/12/2009 01:55

If she is a mad old lady selling weed and she wears a tie dye headscarf and stuff then I could imagine anyone refering to such a woman as 'lovely' as in 'me old mucker, me lovely, thank you very much pet'

If not, then the answer is, errr yes.

EcoMouse · 22/12/2009 01:58

"Definitely would love that xx"

Not usual transaction terminology, I've heard.

I would be highly suspicious. Go with your instincts. When I was heavily pregnant and my X had an affair, I dismissed a lot of instinct on the grounds of my pregnant and hormonal state. Of all things, I regret this the most.

Original poster
sharon137 · 22/12/2009 02:01

Hi, thanks for your replies. Cathcat, it was him requesting to meet her with the "hey lovely", she was the one who replied "definitely would love that xx"
All I know of her is that she has a son who is about 13 I think, thats all I really remember because I thought at the time, How strange for her to deal pot out of her house with a child at home. I think she would be in her late 30s - I am 26 and my partner 30. Just not sure what to do!! Do I ask him and admit I was snooping around, or leave it and see what happens?? Can I blame preg hormones for going through the phone?
Also found a giftpack of skincare hidden by our piano in the garage, was under a tea towel which I picked up to put in the washing machine, and am thinking, Is that a present for me for Xmas? I would just find it strange to receive skincare, and have already said I would like a particular book - we are not buying much for each other this year because we are madly buying things for baby.

OP posts:
hobbgoblin · 22/12/2009 02:03

Have you written this person's number down so you can do some super sleuthing?

You need to call it and find out who it is. Or get someone else to.

Maybe I'm a bit of a suspicious old bat but I think you need to investigate.

Original poster
sharon137 · 22/12/2009 02:03

Wow EcoMouse, just read your message. I think I agree, and would have to go with my gut - I dont want to be this worried before Xmas. I was thinking, though, of waiting til Xmas Day and seeing if I receive this skincare - if not, its clearly been bought for someone else!
God I hope I am wrong though - we have a great relationship and I love him to bits, and he isnt the type to be out all the time - we spend most of our free time hanging out together at home, movies etc..

OP posts:
hobbgoblin · 22/12/2009 02:05

By the way, I so hope you and we are wrong because this is utterly awful for you.

Can I call him a wanker in advance just in case?

Poor you, I fear this mightn't be good news.

You need to ring her when you think he is there.

Where is he now?

Original poster
sharon137 · 22/12/2009 02:09

Thanks hobbgoblin. I hope we are all wrong too! I just am a real wuss when it comes to confrontation, so I cannot imagine how I willl bring it up..
He is at work now. I am in Australia, it is lunchtime here!

OP posts:
EcoMouse · 22/12/2009 02:10

The thing is, what you thought was his free time hasn't necessarily been, as per his txt to you about work.

You could wait (if you are able) the thing is, he could come up with any semi plausible reasons for the present, if it is not given to you. Secret Santa at work, for example.

You may be none the wiser.

I agree, you should be avoiding worry and stress! ...and I'm so sorry you are experiencing this, either way.

cathcat · 22/12/2009 02:10

I hope you can get some sleep and stay strong and calm for your baby. Big hug for you.

cathcat · 22/12/2009 02:11

X posts, you are in Australia! Well, it applies for tonight.

hobbgoblin · 22/12/2009 02:13

So does this text refer to him going over there tonight?

Call him at work when he is supposed to be there working late? Would that not be an easy way to catch him out to begin with? Then you would know just how long this visit to the pot woman actually takes which could say a lot.

hobbgoblin · 22/12/2009 02:19

God. I don't know what to suggest really.

If it does turn out to be the worst all I can think is that this must be the male paternal madness thing as it sounds like otherwise you have a fab and solid relationship. It's a pathetic excuse for having an affair - emotional or sexual - but it is sometimes a reason especially if he is a particularly man-ish man who doesn't admit to feelings and fear of inadequacies and instead buries such thoughts by finding solace in other activities iyswim.

It's deplorable but a lot of men do it and it means not a jot as to the love they feel for their actual wives and partners, they are just crap at stress management and somewhat momentarily lackign in the respect department.

Original poster
sharon137 · 22/12/2009 02:20

No, these messages were yesterday afternoon about last night. He was home around 7 - 7.30pm, told me he had had to go out to do a job late, part of his job is that he installs signs so he is based out of the office when he does that of course, and not likely to answer his mobile. So it wasn't as though he was super-late or anything.
Thanks all for your words of upport, I really appreciate it.. It is hard stewing on something like this when you can't really do anything!

OP posts:
EcoMouse · 22/12/2009 02:22

If you currently have his mobile, re-send his txt to her.

Her response might prove interesting.

If you're caught out/it is all (relatively) innocent, you could admit snooping but say your finger slipped and you didn't mean to re-send it!

hobbgoblin · 22/12/2009 02:22

Hope you get some answers and that you can try and not stress about all this - esp. over Xmas.

Try not to worry about the gift under the tea towel as isn't very concrete evidence and if you don't receive it on the day it will make you go cross eyed with second guessing.

I'm off to bed now.

night!

BitOfFunderthemistletoe · 22/12/2009 02:41

None of this is conclusive. I have a totally solid relationship, but DP would, with certain people on myspace etc refer to them as "lovely" etc- it's just a communication style. Equally the xx from her- it can just be a girl thing. The big thing that makes it possible to be "innocent" from a cheating point of view is the drugs aspect. Most fairly savvy people doing this kind of thing will try to make "meet-up" texts sound non-druggy, to avoid detection by the authorities, incriminating evidence etc.

Although alarm bells would be ringing for me, a little bit, I wouldn't jump to conclusions. I think that you should try to relax and see what gift you get at Xmas. If it doesn't include skincare, I'd say that you saw the set and ask who it was for. If he blusters, then I would worry.

In general though, I would have a think about the drug thing and how you are going to approach this issue- I understand that he might want to tell white lies about it around you if you disapprove, but he needs to be a bit more transparent if it's going to cause you distress.

SqueezinAroundTheXmasTree · 22/12/2009 07:23

What BoF says.

SleighBelleDameSansMerci · 22/12/2009 07:33

Also what BOF says.

I have married male friends who would call me sweetie/sweetheart/lovely etc and I would end messages to them with kisses (although only one - as if that makes a difference).

I've even got married friends at work and we call each other "darling" on IMs and emails in a sort of ironic way but if you were reading it as a partner it might seem odd.

Did have one instance where one of the wives was concerned which absolutely horrified me - hated the thought that casual chat with someone I'd known for about 10 years in nothing but a friendly/professional way would cause someone unnecessary hurt etc. All turned out ok, of course, but did make me think about this.

thesouthsbelle · 22/12/2009 08:25

no I don't think so, a work friend calls me Hun/Hunni/puts a kiss on the end of his little notes of requests to do stuff, another calls me a 'good girl' all the time/lovely as well, all are married, I call them love - as in 'ok love' etc etc nothing in it never would be never has been, if their partners were uncomfortable i'd not do it again. and it's not an every day thing.

i'd be wondering if it was a reg thing or just where he was mindless that day.

but also what BOF said.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 22/12/2009 10:57

BoF is right - when arranging to visit a dealer people generally talk/text as if it is a casual visit from a mate, they are quite careful to make it seem non-drugs related, so that may be what he is doing. I assume the woman's son is in the home most of the time as well, esp in the evening. If they are bumping uglies it would have to be super quick! Also - does he have any pot now? If so I think you can assume it was a business visit aND he was being non-suspicious
I know what it's like to be hormonal and paranoid insecure but it sounds like it could be innocent. But I would still do some snooping if I were you.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 22/12/2009 11:03

Well I suppose you will know depending on how long he is out.

If he is buying pot, then that's no more than a quick 10 minute visit at most.

If he is shagging around, then he will be longer. Unless he's shit in bed.

EcoMouse · 22/12/2009 11:08

Of course transaction arrangements are often made with some disguise! I've never come across it extending into the 'lovey dovey' though.

The response I find more strange than his text.

"Definitely would love that xx"

Dealers usually behave like they are doing a favour, not grateful for a potential buyer, which, if this is about drugs, is what her response would infer.

OP had said this woman is a friend of friends. She is definitely at least a friend of her partners, whether that extends beyond the platonic is the query, I would imagine.

HugeBaublesWhatDidISayRoy · 22/12/2009 11:13

oh dear. best wait to see what you get on hristmas day. if no skincare stuff then there may be more to this than meets the eye. Sorry you are going through this.

Squitten · 22/12/2009 11:32

Why not just ask him?

So, you looked at his phone? Why can't you look at his phone? I wouldn't care if my DH looked at my phone. In the best case scenario, he lied about where he was going so he could buy pot - he can hardly claim the moral high ground!

Seems to me that not doing anything will just drive you up the wall and it will either all be for nothing or there will be a problem and you need to know about it!

I don't understand why you would want to sneak around and snoop on him. You are two grown people. Have a conversation.

Hope you get a resolution whatever you decide

Swipe left for the next trending thread