Long story briefly - NPD mother (I know, I know, an over-used term but trust me - she fits to tee). Lots of emotional abuse from the ages 12-18, finally left home and went to university, got a career, had lots of counselling, got married and now have a happy life.
Have tried to involve her in our lives (for the sake of our children) but actually this hasn't worked out because she continues to manipulate, attention seek, spread malicious gossip etc. I finally went "no contact" last xmas though have continued (against my better judgement I suppose) to send cards.
Family have been turned against me through spreading of malicious gossip and lies over the years. I now have no contact with any of my family at all, which can feel very lonely (and very unfair).
I have no dad.
I have a much younger sister (she's 21). She still lives with my mother. I was very, very close to her when she was a child and was worried my mother would treat her as she's treated me over the years but in fact my sister is nothing like me in any way (ie has never stood up for herself or shown any desire to break free). She turns out to be depressingly like my mother and, I suppose, not somebody I'd ever be friends with if we weren't related.
My mother holds on tight to my sister. My mother has tried hard to find a man over the years but her relationships never last (because they can't stand being controlled) so in the end my sister continues to be my mum's companion. I know she'd drop her like a stone if the right man ever came along but she's getting older now and it seems increasingly unlikely. So my sister has never leanred to drive or cook or use the washing machine. My mother drives her to work every day, disses her friends, discourages her relationships.
I haven't had contact with my mum for a year. I didn't originally intend to go "no contact" but was becoming increasingly upset with her behaviour at the end of last year (she actually started making stories up and inventing conversations) that I just couldn't take any more.
When I didn't see her for a few weeks in January this year, I began to receive quite nasty messages from my sister via Facebook accusing me of being a bad daughter. Of course, my sister knows and understands nothing of what I've been through, though I did try to tell her once.
She begins her messages "I know I'm in the right". She's fifteen years younger than me (though acts like a 14 year old most of the time) so obviously, it sort of gets my back up to recieve messages like this and the more she sent me messages, the less likely I was to go and see them. I was pregnant until June and really didn't need the stress.
Of course, the words in the message were my mothers. Like many NPD types, she lines other people up to fire her gun. She plays them like a fiddle and they have no idea they've been played.
After a year of no contact, I still have no desire to see my mother though recently I've contacted a counsellor because I need some support with the process I'm going through. I guess it's like grief.
Anyway, getting to the point (finally!) it was my birthday recently and I received a parcel from my mother which contained a birthday card from her and an xmas card for my husband and I but nothing from my sister. ALso in the parcel were xmas presents for the children and xmas cards for the children but nothing for my husband and I from my sister. My mother is (predictably) "doing the right thing" by sending cards and presents, while my sister is "making a point" by sending things for the children but totally ignoring me and my husband.
I find this totally unacceptable. It's as though I've removed myself from her but she's still getting to me (and more importantly, my family) by lining my sister up to fire the gun. My sister is being played and doesn't realise. However you look at it, it's totally unacceptable to send cards and presents to children in a house where you ignore the parents.
My mother's response would be "I've done nothing wrong. Your sister ignored your birthday but that's up to her, she makes her own decisions".
I am beginning to realise that what I really need isn't expensive counsellign, it's support from my husband. He fully understands the situation and agrees with my assessment but in the past he's never wanted to get involved for fear of saying or doing the wrong thing.
I'm just on here to get some advice from you guys on how to proceed with this. I would like my husband to stand up for me (we've been together for 20 years and he's never stood up and said anything) but don't know how to tell him this. I think it's time we approached this as a family rather than me coping with it alone all the time.
When I talk to him about it, he is quite dismissive. I guess he's heard it all before. When I spoke to him about my sister last night, he just said that she's being played by my mother and "that's her problem". Actually I think it's problem that's affecting me and affecting my family and I think we need to approach it jointly.
What do you guys think?