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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Lack of Communication - how do I cope?

45 replies

Moonite · 19/12/2009 22:57

DP will not communicate with me, about our house renovation project (his house, bought before we met, in need of gutting) about money, about anything.

I am getting more and more stressed and desperate. I have had a house renovation project put upon me, new kitchen, new bathroom, every single thing needs done.

The house is a turkey - a project house which was not cheap, which is a disaster. I can't cope and have been to doc for ADs.

DP bought this house before we met. I did not ask for all this work, but the house is atrocious and needed every single thing done (although thankfully nothing structural)

He has also been unable to talk about money. We NEED to budget so we can move house.

DP is very very upset now. I am talking about leaving because I am so homesick and lonely. I am unable to cope with everything on my own.

The more I ask him to talk, the more he retreats into his shell.

What do I DO to make him talk....?

How do other MNers cope with this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonite · 19/12/2009 22:58

I think we may split up as a result of the arguments we are having now

OP posts:
ninah · 19/12/2009 23:03

it's his house.

Original poster
Moonite · 19/12/2009 23:09

Yes, but we all live here, with 2yo DS and 10mo DS, I can't not sort the house - but I'm left alone with it.

If I don't sort out the house we can't sell it and buy another (joint purchase) and I can't bear living here, it's a bad area, and the house has just stressed me out so much I feel sick being here.

I can't cope with this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonite · 19/12/2009 23:12

The more stressed I get, the more DP goes into his shell and won't talk.

We went to doc on Thurs, I was shaking and got prescribed ADs. He is very very worried about me now, but he still won't talk...

I am starting to be nasty to him to prod him into talking. I have threatened to move back to my home town with DSs - he was in floods of tears earlier. But he still won't talk.

WTF do I do?

OP posts:
nodrugsthanks · 19/12/2009 23:15

Hi Moonite,

You sound really upset. If your DP is anything like mine upset and emotion will be wasted on him (or make matters worse). Can you get away for a day or two to put things in perspective, make a priority list then share it with him in a logical and non-emotive way?

ninah · 19/12/2009 23:17

Oh I see. Have you had estate agents round to view? might be worth it and getting valuation as is. Let someone else take on the project. You can ask agent the minimum you need to do to achieve sale. Buyer might prefer doing the work and the time and effort involved 'doing up' might not be worth it in terms of price achieved in this market.
Living with dp in house owned by him your property rights are shaky even with dc, I guess you know this hence joint purchase. Sounds like you and he have different outlook about finances etc

Original poster
Moonite · 19/12/2009 23:19

Have been trying that for ages - I wrote a big list of stuff needing done, emailed it to him to print out at work.

It just fell by the wayside.

I am a project manager of a project I don't want, or need, with 2 babies.

He isn't cold or anything, he is very shy and retreats into his shell.

He is far more upset than me now, was in floods of tears earlier when I threatened to leave.

Still can hardly get him to talk tho.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonite · 19/12/2009 23:23

We just need the bathroom doing now (I have spent 2 years sorting it out, exterior and interior painting are done, old kitchen ripped out and refitted)

Had it valued, it's OK but for all the work put in, it's just broken even, no profit - when I take into account mortgage interest payments it's a loss

I am desperate to leave this horrible experience. DS2 in hospital 3 times this year, and when I was there I didn't want to come home as I'm soooo stressed about the house. I'm having meltdowns regularly, shaking and crying, just bursting into tears when people ask how I am

DS1 keeps saying "mummy sad" and trying to kiss me better. It's heartbreaking to see him do that.

OP posts:
ninah · 19/12/2009 23:27

that's not so bad then. Worst is over! if you can't face bathroom leave it for next person. If you feel you must finish, it will take, what, a month? you have done really well to break even. I have done similar here and might as well have thrown money down the toilet. Sounds like you need to focus on the new start in a joint place you both like! have you started looking?

Original poster
Moonite · 19/12/2009 23:28

Also, we have no babysitters or anything - we can't get away, or get a rest.

I am just going mad now, real pressure cooker stuff

Help

OP posts:
MollieO · 19/12/2009 23:28

So if it is mostly done why don't you sell? It makes no sense to stay somewhere that is making you so unhappy. If you breakeven then that is good and you can move on.

Original poster
Moonite · 19/12/2009 23:33

We are selling as soon as bathroom done - I had a major meltdown after DS2 came home from hospital, and we both agree that no house is worth this much unhappiness.

I have been harassed by drunks here, had a lot of bother with aggressive workmen in the house (on my own) and the area is very rough (so no profit on work done to house).

Why did I go through all of this with the house? All that unhappiness and stress - and for nothing

The thing that's really getting to me is that he won't talk to me, or work with me as a team.

I feel very very alone, and I was single a long time before moving in with DP. I thought that my loneliness was over, but now in some ways it's worse...

How do I get him to talk? Is there a method?

OP posts:
brandybutterfly · 19/12/2009 23:34

Oh moonite hang in there.

I think your DP knows how unhappy you are and can't see a way out that will make you happy - if he's in tears he really is taking you seriously but if you threaten him you may send him over the edge too.

Do you not have family you can turn to for the babysitting?

Are you away for Christmas?

Original poster
Moonite · 19/12/2009 23:36

House is going on market when bathroom complete - will put stuff in storage to make it look less cluttered (it's full of junk) then we're off.

I am looking for a house now, but DP is finding it hard to discuss finance which is driving me mad.

He just goes all quiet - says he definitely wants to move tho.

OP posts:
ninah · 19/12/2009 23:38

well if he has always been like this that's the way he is, you won't change him. So accept him as he is, or not. Happiness comes from yourself not another person. You could look at it that you've worked hard on house, with young dc and uncommunicative partner. Or you could say I've done a fecking great job here, under difficult circumtances, I am looking forward to a new start with my dp and two lovely dc and it's all so exciting. Half empty, half full, the glass is the same.

Original poster
Moonite · 19/12/2009 23:40

Thank you to you all for replying

We're away for 1 day on Xmas day (day trip to visit in laws, it's stressing me out tbh)

I want to go home to my family, get a rest, and relax.

I don't want to threaten him, but it's the only way to get a reaction I told him I wanted to leave, so he was in floods of tears, and I got a tiny bit of conversation out of him after that.

What can I do to relieve stress? Xmas is a nightmare...

OP posts:
ninah · 19/12/2009 23:40

oh, no, that's not helping. You need to be looking together and if he won't discuss finances now when will he? this is unreasonable.
Is he nervous about the £ committment?

Original poster
Moonite · 19/12/2009 23:41

How do I cope with homesickness though?

OP posts:
Quattrocento · 19/12/2009 23:43

It sounds to me as though the house is a symptom and not a cause.

The level of anxiety about the house is way beyond normal. It's a problem that you've fixed and you've only the bathroom to go before you sell. And frankly, if you are breaking even in this housing market, that's good. You will gain on the property that you're buying, because you're buying in a depressed market.

Your DH is probably (a) naturally quiet and (b) somewhat at a loss for words. What more can he do? Is it reasonable to bludgeon him with threats of leaving and cause him this level of distress?

Original poster
Moonite · 19/12/2009 23:43

He is nervous about financial commitment. I am not, but I sold my flat to pay for home improvements here, and I soooooooo deeply regret it now. I am heartbroken in a way.

OP posts:
brandybutterfly · 19/12/2009 23:44

Just go. Book it and go. But you must tell him that you are not leaving him, you would love to see your folks and that's all it is.

ninah · 19/12/2009 23:44

where is home?
I guess when you are happy and settled in your own home you will feel that less

Original poster
Moonite · 19/12/2009 23:47

He is at a loss for words. But we could have sorted the house out more than a year ago if we'd both been a team.

Instead, I started this work with a brand new baby, and am just breaking in half with the stress.

Yes, the stress is disproportionate to the task, but it's a symptom of how much I've been put upon with this.

DP is naturally quiet, but I still feel if he helped out a bit I wouldn't be screaming for help now. It's horrible in our home now, the atmosphere is awful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonite · 19/12/2009 23:49

I feel I have no home. This house is a job I had thrust upon me. I utterly hate it here, how bad is that

OP posts:
Quattrocento · 19/12/2009 23:54

I'm sorry about being down to earth and honest with you, but I genuinely think it's the best way of helping you.

A bit of house renovation without anything structural being done is no biggy. Really it isn't. Particularly if you are not doing the doing, just commissioning and overseeing. I think this is something you would normally be able to take in your stride. The fact that you're struggling with it is a symptom of your depression. You signed up for the home improvements when you sold your flat to do them. You've done it now, nearly there, and you'll sell the house and it will be fine.

Be kind to your DH.

HTH

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