Lack of Communication - how do I cope?

[Moonite]

DP will not communicate with me, about our house renovation project (his house, bought before we met, in need of gutting) about money, about anything.

I am getting more and more stressed and desperate. I have had a house renovation project put upon me, new kitchen, new bathroom, every single thing needs done.

The house is a turkey - a project house which was not cheap, which is a disaster. I can't cope and have been to doc for ADs.

DP bought this house before we met. I did not ask for all this work, but the house is atrocious and needed every single thing done (although thankfully nothing structural)

He has also been unable to talk about money. We NEED to budget so we can move house.

DP is very very upset now. I am talking about leaving because I am so homesick and lonely. I am unable to cope with everything on my own.

The more I ask him to talk, the more he retreats into his shell.

What do I DO to make him talk....?

How do other MNers cope with this.

You make your own choices, though. It sounds to me as if you need to get back to basics and reaffirm your relationship and family. Presumably, given the choice you made to make a home, have two dc, sell your flat, you love dp a lot and want a future with him. That future is becoming a reality, so the struggle is nearly over. In my limited experience the best way to encourage a man to talk is to back right off the topic and wait.

But I've backed off the topic for ages now.
I just get left to it.

I am totally depressed.

It's not the biggest house renovation project, but it's just been too much for me to cope with alone. Every room in the house has had to be done, and I can't manage with 2 DSs.

NIt's the loneliness that gets me though.

So soz 2 hear u so upset Moonite, but try to calm down and put a bit braver face on 4 sake of ur DC. Sounds like u r mentally exhousted - I've been there and i know how awful and terrifying it is to feel so out of control and impatient to get everything in order. I used to practice deep breathing and relaxation (whenever u can) and positive thinking.

On a positive note, for eg. DP doesn't hurt u physically/mentally/deliberately does he? If not, that's all pluses! (Mine did 4 10 years and I had no where 2 go so I had to put up with it until i did have somewhere).

As 4 trying to get him to talk - try telling him u understand how he feels, apologise for getting so upset,then leave it a while. (A couple of days at least). Try to not keep naggging and I know u will feel like ur doin everything, but he may be feelin as bad as u but too terrified to talk incase he admits it - he probably feels a failure and that he's let u down and is hurting just like u.

Don't go to his parents if u can get out of it, if u really don't want to. Or might they be helpful and sympathetic and even take kids off ur hands so u can get some rest?Do something u really want to - u need some u time, both of u!

Pls don't leave him! It's not fair on the kids - i know how awful divorce is and the stress of the house may be nearly at an end - why throw away ur relationship in the face of adversity when u r so nearly through it?

Hope the ADs work and quickly - if they r ones which take months to work, ask for quicker ones! I did and they were gr8.

so the lonliness is the real issue, then? have your feelings towards dp changed? what do you have in common?

moonite we do support you having a hard time, it may be a bit easier for us to see DP is having a really hard time too though.

Sell the bloody house.

Sod the money.

Life is about you, your family unit and your surroundings.

Everything else can go hang.

DP is stressed about the house - so he has gone into his cave so to speak, and left it to me and that is the problem.

I have just snapped with it. The workmen we've had have all been nightmares (apart from last one who is coming back to do bathroom yay!)

We shall sell as soon as possible. But the problem is that DP won't talk properly about the financial stuff we need to talk about to get a new place. He just can't

I wish we could get a break. DS in hospital 3 times, first when we were on holiday, 2nd time when DP on annual leave (but not away on holiday) and it's just so stressy.

Hope ADs work quickly - not sure about taking them as I'm breastfeeding tho?

Citralopam I think they are?

Did he communicate about money and budget when you decided to sell your flat to renovate his house?

No. Just says he doesn't know. I wish I had someone to bounce ideas off... I need that, I have little confidence in my own ability to make decisions. I'm not looking for someone to tell me what to do, just someone to talk to.

Sounds like you've done pretty well so far

I am trying, I am the kind of person who always tries to find a solution to their problems. I am proactive.

But that's what's killing me now - I am just exhausted....

If you need someone to talk to you can always call the Samaritans, you don't have to be suicidal.

If he didn't communicate back when you sold your flat about finance, sounds like he has always been like this and you are trying to make him change? You can't change someone into the person you want them to be. If you could come to terms with your DH's personality as it is, perhaps you could feel less lonely?

Where are your family?

Family about 100 miles away. They don't communicate either....

Do try and get through to Samaritans, or you can email them too. It sounds like you are feeling really down.

Hi Moonite,

I'm going to put a bit of a different slant on this...would it be fair to presume that you have put an awful lot into this relationship? And could it be that you feel you are being 'hung out to dry' a bit by your DH?

Hon, I think you need to start putting yourself first - you have gone beyond the call of duty to sort out the house issue, with your time and money, while living somewhere you hate AND having babies AND feeling lonely - that's enough to drive anyone round the twist. Your DH has to start taking responsibility for his own crap, and you need to give yourself a break my dear...

Start letting go mentally and cutting whatever losses need to be cut...life is just too short - once some of the pressure is diffused, I'm sure the channels of communication will open up again...

poorpoor you. and your lo's. please don't worry. You will get through it. if he won;t take any of the responsibility for the house, then why should you. Put it on market, sell it and say good riddance to it. it will not make you/him any money anyway so why put yourself through it? New Year, new attitude. don't do any more - you have done enough.. if he won't talk - you won't help. Simple as. Sending hugs.x

well, i can't see your dp changing.

unfortunately you are more able to cope than he is evidently. you have to accept this.

so - tonight sit him down and very unemotionally talk about what steps you need to go through to get out of this mess. write a list and ask him to tick off what he's responsible for:

bathroom
painting
clearing bedroom 1
clearing study
clearing living room
take stuff to dump
take stuff to storage

clearing rooms and taking to dump can happen while bathroom being done. he can get on with stuff while you do too.

if he doesn't say a word, don't get angry or upset. push the list towards him and give him a pencil. leave the room for 5 minutes. go have a bath with glass of wine. let him think about it and give him space to do it.

then keep head down and try and get through it.

i think you will start to feel better when you get things ticked off.

finally, the best coping mechanism i have had is not to look at the big picture because you very quickly get overwhelmed. say to yourself 'this week i'm ONLY doing the bathroom' and don't even look at the rest.

Good advice from warthog. I think you're projecting a lot on to this house issue. Get it in a saleable condition and then have a good think about what would make you happy.

Would you get some family support with the dc's if you moved nearer home? Is that what the problem is? Have you made any friends in your new area? Loneliness is a horrible thing, and I do understand - we moved 300 miles after ds1 was born and I knew virtually nobody. 3 years on and I have lots of friends but it took an awful lot of effort to get here.

Either way, you and your dp do need to communicate, but I think you need to be try and kind and patient with one another wherever possible, and accept that you're all under stress here.

Look, love, please do take the anti-depressants you've been prescribed. I was in a very bad place earlier this year, and I took them, and they just flipped me out of the depression - it was amazing. Suddenly I had gone back to being 'me' again, and life was fabulous. It is supposed to take a couple of weeks before they have a real effect, but in my case, they actually worked within a couple of days, and it was wonderful. Give it a couple of weeks at least to see how they go.

Also, and this may not work for you, but I made endless lists of jobs around the house to do, and forced myself through each one, saying 'you won't feel much better if you do this, but you aren't going to feel any better if you lie on the sofa crying'. And when the ADs kicked in, lo and behold, I had done loads of work on the house and garden, and now can look at what I've done with pride.

Thank you for all your helpful replies - had to take time out before coming back here.

The jobs are endless, I'm not getting any support due to distance, and don't really have a communicative family anyway (distinct pattern here)

I have made a list, cut that list into sections, but dealing with workmen who are horrible, sometimes aggressive, has been a vile experience, and I'm just dead beat now.

To do - bathroom, put stuff in storage (to make house look better in photos) put house on market.

I wish I had time served mates, ones I could go to the pub with. All my mates are back home, but sadly they're all swamped with new babies or demanding jobs.

Adult life is indeed lonely