Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

no sex = over?

28 replies

sleeplessinseatle · 18/12/2009 22:47

My husband doesnt want to have sex with me anymore or even kiss with tongues and I don't think I can cope with this anymore.

Am very scared our marriage isnt going to last. Can't believe I am admitting this. But maybe now I can do something. Just don't know what. Has anyone else been through this?

OP posts:
2kidzandi · 18/12/2009 22:52

Sorry for you sleepless how long have you been married for? When did he start refusing to have sex?

Original poster
sleeplessinseatle · 18/12/2009 22:56

Married a few years but together for nearly 10. 1 DC and am pregnant with another (early days yet). Sex twice in last 4 month, and before that none for previous 3 months.

He has no interest at all in me, but think he does still masterbate occassionally. So worry he will go elsewhere. Or that I will.

OP posts:
oliviasmama · 18/12/2009 22:59

IME it means exactly that.

2kidzandi · 18/12/2009 23:27

Is it possible he's having an affair? Have you actually talked about it? If so what has he said?

SlartyBartFast · 18/12/2009 23:28

does he have erection problems do you think?>

CandyKane · 18/12/2009 23:40

It doesn't have to be over, if the person who doesn't want sex is willing to discuss what is going on or perhaps have some couple counselling to find out the cause.

Communication is really important in situations like these.

Is he happy with the situation?

BitOfFunderthemistletoe · 18/12/2009 23:46

Is he affectionate at all?

tinalane · 19/12/2009 16:29

We haven't for four years and we are still together because we love each other in our own way.

Does he love you? Do you know why he doesn't want it any more? Have you talked it through with him? Perhaps he is stressed, tired out or not well.

I know how hard it is to live through this, and temptations grow stronger for a while but one day its just normal every day living & there's more to a marriage & life than sex.

I still miss it though.

Do you love him enough to stay with him anyway?

diddl · 19/12/2009 16:41

Is he stressed/depressed/ill?

FabIsGettingReadyForXmas · 19/12/2009 17:04

Could you live with him happily for the rest of your life without sex? If not, you must talk to him.

alypaly · 19/12/2009 23:45

sleepless...you are not alone...my boyfriend and i havent had sex for nearly 18 months and he rarely kisses or hugs me. Tongues...i dont hink it would ever occcur to him (mind you kissing isnt his forte as he presses his lips so hard on my mouth,my teeth nearly puncture my lip).
I dont know how much longer i can go on in this sexless ,emotionless relationship either. he doesnt seem to need or want anything. I dont know about you,but it makes me feel unattractive.

londonartemis · 21/12/2009 19:44

Do talk to him. I lived without sex for nearly six years and I was not happy and very resentful at times. I never talked to my DH about it, as I felt so rejected, I didn't want to hear him say he didn't fancy me. In actual fact that turned out not to be the reason. We have now resumed sex - it's not perfect, and I have been contemplating our future, but it's a start. I have also found Relate very good.

liladit · 22/12/2009 15:59

Your situation seems similar to my own and I really feel for you. My husband and I make love only 4 or 5 times a year and I really need that closeness. We have a strong relationship in other ways and 2 gorgeous boys but I feel very short-changed on the physical front. I have talked to him about this but he tells me his libido is tailing off now that he's in his late 40's ( I am just 40..) and I am sorry to admit that infrequent sex has left me tempted on occasions although I have never had relations with anyone else. What to do? I am trying to focus on the positives but the bottom line is I just need more sex!

alypaly · 22/12/2009 16:34

liladit i am 53 and i dont want my sex life to tail off. He is a kind man but has no real sex drive or sex appeal. i am probably just comfortable with him as my long term friend ,but i am gagging for a night of pure unadulterated sex..IYGWIM

i need more good sex,kisses, hugs and just a feeling of lust

liladit · 22/12/2009 17:21

Good to know I'm not the only one craving a long night of pleasure, alypaly! I feel guilty about wanting more sex especially because it's not as if I'm in a completely sexless marriage but that doesn't stop me from feeling incredibly horny!(Yikes--don't let me loose out on the tiles...!)

alypaly · 23/12/2009 00:47

liladit why does your hubby expect his sex life to tail off at his age....that what i would expect in a 70 year old.
ind you ,i know some 70 year olds that take viagra. Dont really want to think about it,but good on them.

i get incredibly rampant when we go to hot climates and i get a tan....(i was told it was somrthing to do with vitamin D synthesis,but i could used to have sex many times a night when i was with a sexy boyfriend. I really miss those sweaty nights of passion in 35 degrees

SolidGoldpiginablanket · 23/12/2009 02:12

Irespective of whether it's the male or the female, no-one is entitled to make a unilateral decision that there will be no more sex and refuse to discuss it. Because your feeling matter just as much as his, and if you are unhappy, you don't have to just put up with it. Choose a calm time and talk to him, say it's a problem you both have and you need to work together to sort it out.

tinalane · 23/12/2009 07:08

It can be a lonely experience, month after month,

My DP told me a while ago only wanted a companion at the moment, and thats the way it is, companions with love, but no sex, for years now.

Staying with someone & being patient is an option if you really love them, but its hard wishing they would take the initiative.

I just wanted to say it is difficult, but love can live in these situations.

AccioPinotGrigio · 23/12/2009 09:32

I have been in this situation but the other way round, I lost my libido and probably only had sex with dh about 3 times in one year. In the end dh gave me an ultimatum, "address this problem or I'm off". I knew all along that the situation was hurting him, he never stopped telling me and I'm glad he didn't. We are back on track now and sex is good. However, my "ishoo's" around sex were not too complex or deep rooted and I was able to face them and work through them by myself.

I wonder what is at the root of your dh's loss of libido. I wonder if he even knows or can admit it to himself or to you?

liladit · 23/12/2009 09:42

alypaly - thanks for your take on it and other people's commments. You're right, in theory a man's sex drive shouldn't tail off at his age but then perhaps his appetite was never huge! Having said that, when we first met over 12 years ago, we had sex 3 or 4 times a week. No doubt having young children and work takes it out of us both but our kids are now of age where we can sneak off and have some time together - which we do - only it's just too infrequent. We definitely recognise that we have to create time for each other but I just don't think he desires me any more. Feeling desired is high on my New Years wishlist!

LeoniedElf · 23/12/2009 09:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

liladit · 23/12/2009 09:52

Wow, LeoniedElf, you really have a lot on your plate. I bet that only heightens your need to feel close to your dh. I hope that things come good for you once you're over the first few months post-birth !

alypaly · 23/12/2009 10:15

i would just like boyfriend to take the initiative for a bit of romance....its so boring being the one to drop the hints...it makes you feel inattractive ,unsexy,and then sex looses its interest if it is brought about. He just doesnt know how to be sexy. about the only thing he does ,but only when asked is,hugs me(but i have to ask for that) but when he hugs me ,he just thrusts his erection against me with a very unsexy prod(sorry TMI) I am really missing the pasiion i used to have with other boyfroinds before i met my current one.

i dont have any lady friends that i could go out with to meet anyone. I had a nervous breakdown many years ago and evryone just scattered...i feel very alone except for my two boys who are 17 and 21

SolidGoldpiginablanket · 23/12/2009 17:33

Tinalane: in that case he has lost any right to expect you not to have sex with other people. I would say the same for anyone in this situation, your partner either makes an effort to address the situation or agrees that it's OK for you to seek sex elsewhere.
It's possible that the person you go on to seek sex with may turn into your new partner and your relationship with the sex-refusing partner come to an end, but that's just as possible if you stay with the sexless partner, miserably frustrated, until you can't stand it any more.
A peron who really has no libido and no interest in recovering it should give his/her partner full permission to have sex with other people as that's the only way to retain affection and goodwill between you.

alypaly · 24/12/2009 11:57

wonder if santa can package up a voucher for a night of nookie