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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He gave me a list of rules to sign

36 replies

milti · 18/12/2009 22:34

My Dh left me and our then 9 month dd 4 months ago. i also have another 10 year old d. His reason for going was that i would not agree to sign a contract he had drafted on our pc. there were 13 rules to agree to and if i didn't he would be off. the worst ones included signing over half my house and moving to a bigger place in 18 months. others were less serious like us going out once a week and having dd in a bed by april, not letting dog in ktchen when eating, shopping online once a week.
the contract was written in legalese which was weird and finished with punishments to be agreed for breaking rules- like yellow card or a fine. not a joke it really was.
since he left he has made my life hell. has to see dd here as his mums place not fit for a baby. says house is a mess, i am crap mum, lazy, sleep too much, don't work. even threatened me with ss for giving dd jars of food. does not pay any money either yet accuses me of ripping him off for years. how can i deal with someone who truly belives their own rubbish? worst of all he uses the fact i am on AD's to suggest i am mad and every now and again it begins to work

OP posts:
BigBadMummy · 18/12/2009 22:35

You are well shot of him... he is an arse.

ssd · 18/12/2009 22:37

jesus, I know what I'd give him, it would be worth doing time for..
seriously, you sound like you need to speak to someone official, like a doctor or the social to get some serious advice

this man sounds dangerous, you need real help in dealing with him

TeamEdward · 18/12/2009 22:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
milti · 18/12/2009 22:37

you are right. and so am i for getting involved. all the signs were there, should have known better.

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 18/12/2009 22:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

kinnies · 18/12/2009 22:50

Really, call womans aid.

You managed to split up with him (I know he left, but you didnt back down) so well done for that. The best thing you could ever have done.

I would make sure contact wiyh DD is either through a 'contact centre', or at your home with somone else there with you.

He is a nut job and you should be carful.

BrigitBigKnickers · 18/12/2009 23:04

Make sure you keep a copy of his "Rules". They will be very useful in proving his insanity in a court of law. Seriously- he sounds a total loon. Get some legal advice ASAP.

Alambil · 18/12/2009 23:11

and don't ever beg him to not go to SS

Let him

They will laugh at him and he will look stupid

ADs and jars are NO reason for SS to get involved

(My ex tried a similar trick (ds was 8months and I dipped my finger in some chocolate sauce and let DS have a lick... apparently I was abusing him and force feeding unsuitable food! SS laughed then and they'll laugh now)

GypsyMoth · 18/12/2009 23:16

csa for maintenence
and stop the access at your house,he will ave to sort it himself

jeni7 · 18/12/2009 23:29

Milti, your ex is still abusing you despite the fact that he has left your home. This is not your fault and you don't have to put up with it. The tactics he is using are classic I'm afraid - the threatening you with ss, the attempts to convince you that you're unstable. Sometimes I think there's a special school for abusers where they all learn to do and say exactly the same thing!

I will add my voice to the other posts and urge you to contact womens aid. They will listen non-judgementally, everything you tell them will be in complete confidence, and they will help you explore all possible avenues as to where you go from here.

Sending much moral support

Tortington · 18/12/2009 23:31

he is such a donkeys donger. get official legal times for him to see the kid - open door shove kid out
shut door

no speaky to twat

dizietsma · 18/12/2009 23:44

He is a controlling, abusive man and you are well shot of him. Definitely call Women's Aid and read the book, Why does he do that? so you can arm yourself with information to resist his abuse. Also get the CSA to chase up money for you, do NOT engage with him personally on this issue, he will use it to control you.

Original poster
milti · 19/12/2009 00:11

Thank you all for your support. I know you are all right. He is going away for a week next wed so will use that time to get my head straight.

OP posts:
SolidGoldpiginablanket · 19/12/2009 00:15

Seconding what everyone else is saying, he's a complete nut anda nasty one. You DO NOT have to put up with this crap. You don't even have to communicate with him if you don't want to (communications can be handled through a third party).

EcoMouse · 19/12/2009 00:37

Same, I agree with everyone else and I have experienced very similar.

Please get help, you are not mad! He is being horifically abusive, he is a perpetrator of domestic violence, the fact that he no longer lives with you is irrelevant.

Try not to be concerned about him reporting you to SS. My ex did so and it's backfired on him completely.

Please do contact womens aid.

namechanger555 · 19/12/2009 00:43

Sorry no advice but the contract sounds mad. I bet he wanted a weak women who would sign his stupid contact and do everything he wants. Now he is just punishing you as he did not get his own way... Well done for getting rid of him... PRICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Original poster
milti · 19/12/2009 00:46

Thanks, he has threatened all sorts, not just social services. Also the benefits people, solicitors to get half the house. even says he will go around to see my parents (I am 35!) and tell them the things i am doing wrong. he would get short shrift there but genuinely thinks he is in the right. god knows what would happen if i met someone else, not that i want to.
he is supposed to be getting his own place new year. if that doesn't happen i will have to do something about his access. His sister did say they could go there but he wouldn't agree saying she is too busy and shouldn't be bothered by us. probably just too much trouble for him.

OP posts:
EcoMouse · 19/12/2009 00:53

Milti, regarding accessing your home, it's not up to him, it's entirely up to you. If you put your foot down he will have to see your child at his sisters or not at all!

GypsyMoth · 19/12/2009 01:01

you also have the option of a contact centre..

SolidGoldpiginablanket · 19/12/2009 01:07

Look, abusive wankers like him always threaten all sorts. THe thing is, the threats are empty, because other people recognise an abusive wanker and will tell him to piss off and leave you alone. He is NOT right, he is NOT your owner or your boss, just a silly nasty little limpdick who likes bullying people. Tell him he's not welcome in your home any more and you don't want any contact other than via email and only on the subject of the DC.

mumhadenough · 19/12/2009 01:21

He sounds like a fecking psycho and bloody well done you for letting him walk.

Lisassister · 19/12/2009 07:11

Great advice on here from everyone, please please take it and don't underestimate what a man like this is capable of. I worked with abusive/violent men for years and this behaviour is often the precursor to something much more serious/dangerous. There will indeed be underlying reasons for his behaviour but they are not your problem, he is! Protect yourself and your children from him. Good luck.

StewieGriffinsMom · 19/12/2009 08:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

jeni7 · 19/12/2009 10:12

Abusive men often use access issues as a way to continue to harass and control their ex-partner.

If a man has abused his female partner and her children have witnessed or overheard this, then he is also guilty of abusing the children.

I have worked in domestic abuse service provision, and I know how damaging this can be for children.

Milti none of this is your fault. Access the support you need and deserve. You have the right to a peaceful and happy family life with your kids.

Original poster
milti · 19/12/2009 17:17

Thank you all for your support and advice. I will definitely look at the women's aid site and am going to keep a log of all incidents. i also have all of his horrible texts (some of which he sent from his mums phone so i would think she had sent them) and of course the contract.
my older daughter does realise his behaviour is not normal and has been upset by his shouting and mistreating our dog, which makes me feel very guilty. Still at least she is not witness to it any more and my younger one should be spared.
It's funny because reading all these has finally made me see he is an abuser, not just a normal person who flares up now and then. looking back some of the things i have accepted as normal,beggar belief.
Hope this christmas is better than last. how sad is that, our baby was less than a month old and he still wasn't happy with normal family life.

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