He gave me a list of rules to sign

[milti]

My Dh left me and our then 9 month dd 4 months ago. i also have another 10 year old d. His reason for going was that i would not agree to sign a contract he had drafted on our pc. there were 13 rules to agree to and if i didn't he would be off. the worst ones included signing over half my house and moving to a bigger place in 18 months. others were less serious like us going out once a week and having dd in a bed by april, not letting dog in ktchen when eating, shopping online once a week.
the contract was written in legalese which was weird and finished with punishments to be agreed for breaking rules- like yellow card or a fine. not a joke it really was.
since he left he has made my life hell. has to see dd here as his mums place not fit for a baby. says house is a mess, i am crap mum, lazy, sleep too much, don't work. even threatened me with ss for giving dd jars of food. does not pay any money either yet accuses me of ripping him off for years. how can i deal with someone who truly belives their own rubbish? worst of all he uses the fact i am on AD's to suggest i am mad and every now and again it begins to work

milti, I wish you all the best for xmas

you have had fab advice so can't add more, but you do sound to be pretty clear-headed that he is continuing to abuse you

and you sound lovely

Milti, believe it or not, mistreatment of animals is a known trait of abusers too. They don't all mistreat animals but do generally have a marked tendancy to do so.

Try not to feel guilty for what has happened in the past, your control over any given situation was limited by the family scenario he governed. Would you place blame on any other mother in your position? You don't come across as that way inclined, so be just as easy on yourself.

You're in the process of taking the power back and good on you.

Yes, I'd like to re-iterate what EcoMouse has said. The fact that your older daughter has been upset by his abusive behaviour is his fault, not yours. The guilt and shame belong to him milti.

You're doing really well, you've recognised that he's abusive and got away from him. Now get yourself all the help and support you are entitled to, and put strong protections in place. Abusers are often charming at least some of the time (if not, why would ayone date one?) but mistreatment of animals is a big red flag of a seriously dangerous abuser, you need to put this man right back on the edge of your life, away from you as much as possible.

He has been round for contact with dd from 4-7pm. managed the whole visit without event which is unusual. we won't see him now for about 10 days so just hoping that this time will help ne to stay strong and move on. my main worry is that he will have this little holiday and then the reality will hit that he has to find his own place and he will suddenly want to come back. he has done this before after little trips to tenerife and america (pre baby).
i do know though that it won't work to have him back. the whole contract thing was a way to avoid responsibility, if i didn't sign it was my fault he left. the truth is he can't cope with family life- had too long being selfish and without responsibilities.

Seems to me that the main thing is about him getting his hands on your house. Probably the other 'rules' were a distraction.

Do you have money and other assets that he can't access?

From what you have put, it would make sense to me that his plan was to relieve you of everything he could and leave you high and dry.

Do you think that's a possibility?

I don't think that was the main aim, he does think a lot of our daughter and wouldn't leave us homeless. he said it was so that he felt more secure and not like a lodger. if he had discusses it properly this might have been an option.however i wouldn't have felt that i could trust him really, the next time he decided to clear off he wouldn't be paying mortgage etc. he was always on about moving to a bigger house although we could in no way afford it. that would have been a nightmare, a bigger house would not make him happy, he would just move on to something else. i am very lucky to have escaped as unscathed as i have, could have been in horrendous debt. And no i don't have any other money, wish i did!

he sounds like a cunt

sorry to be so blunt

sorry that does sound harsh now I've seen it on the thread.

ChrisMissWooWoo
Harsh. But true

I almost hope he does go and tell your parents!
I know if somone went to my Dad and told him that I wouldnt give them half of my house he would laugh his head off (and then get my uncle round and bounce the twat off the walls ).

This bloke is such a tool.
You are so well rid. I totaly understand how weird it is to think of the way you were treated and to think you didnt get how bad it really was.
You are out of it now and so are your Dc. Hats off to you love, I wish I could have been as strong as you -getting rid him when you had a newborn. You should be proud of yourself.
Have an ace Christmas

Thanks so much, it has helped a lot to get stuff off my chest. hope i can help others on here as well. he has gone off on holiday now. had a run of bad luck at home- central heating and fire broke, then the lights fused and then washing machine emptied all over the kitchen. not all on the same day! felt really annoyed dealing with it all myself, then realised nothing had really changed, would have been doing it all anyway.
How he can just buzz off on holiday, after dropping off a bag of cheap clothes all bought from one shop for dd christmas present i really don't know. still at least he is not bothering us.