Do I tell H's parents what's been going on or leave it? Any advice welcome..

[tiredoftherain]

So the IL's have just got back from travels, and know nothing of recent developments (H caught cheating on me, him filing for divorce etc) They've pretty much been in a news-free bubble for 3 months and only know that we've split and H has moved out.

They want to come and see me today as they're desperate to see the dc's. I just don't know what to tell them about recent events. H will be seeing them later.

I know they really like me and want to stay in touch post split, this will be difficult for me if they can't at least acknowledge how badly H has behaved (it's a pretty clear cut situation) but I know I can't necessarily expect them to. It's really important to me that I'm believed as H has really behaved appallingly. Should I tell them what's been going on or just avoid the subject or even them?

Tell them the truth. They're still going to love and support him regardless - they're his parents. But there's no point being vague - and it might end up whereby you're portrayed as the bad guy.

Firstly, really sorry that you have gone through this - you sound really strong and composed, but I'm sure it's been tough.

I would be inclined to give him the opportunity to speak to them first - they are HIS parents. You can then be honest when you see them and if he hasn't told them the full story then that is his problem.

They will be disappointed in him, but also worried about their continuing relationship with their grandchildren.

Good luck.

They are grown ups, they do not need to be protected from what their child has done. Tell them he truth, they will find out in the end anyway.

If he wanted to tell them first, he should have made a point of doing so. Not leaving the OP in an awkward position, seeing them first and not knowing what to do.

I know what you mean, but I would just tell him that they are coming over, you will obviously tell them all that has gone on and tell him that if he wants to speak to them first he needs to pick up the phone.

I just think it will be easier (for the OP) if they have heard it from him first - they will have most of their questions answered and it avoids the risk of them being defensive as she explains what their son has done. If he doesn't tell the truth, then more fool him.

I think tell them. Because they are coming to you first they're likely to ask what happened so you'll need to say something.

Stick to the facts though and try not to get too personal i.e "H did this and then he did this and he was total bastard I was a saint throughout".

Not suggesting that you've been anything other than saintly and that it isn't an intensely personal situation but when its all over you want to come out of it with your dignity in tact.

Good luck, I can't imagine it'll be much fun.

Tell them, but try to stick to the bare facts and avoid slagging him off too much - he is their son after all and they will have to make their own judgements on his behaviour.
You haven't done anything wrong - remember that.
Fwiw, my ILs were fantastic when my ex left me for OW.
My MIL even said "I know he's my son and I love him but he has been a total shit and I'm embarrassed for him".
I love her for that, it must have been a hard thing to admit.

My MIL thinks the sun shines out of my DH's backside, but if he had been caught doing something like this, MIL would want the truth and want to maintain contact with the GC.

I think you should let the PIL come round and if they ask, just say that it's probably better that they ask him the details but I don't see the harm in you giving them the undisputed facts that a) he has someone else and b) he has filed for divorce

agree with everyone else - outline the facts and refrain from too many (richly deserved) comments about him.

I'm going to add in "tell them" as well. Plain and simple, no embellishments, just the raw truth.

If he was worried about you talking to them first, he should have already spoken to them himself.

Either tell them the basic details or refuse to see them until he has told them as if they've not seen grandkids for 3 months a few more days won't matter, anything else is silly.

Thanks everyone, I've managed to keep my dignity this far and don't want to lose it now. I've felt sick all morning at the thought of seeing them. It's a complicated family history and something similar happened to MIL. It will devastate her to think her ds is capable of the same kind of nastiness.

It's not my job to protect them though I guess. I think I'll stick to a few key facts and they can deduce the rest for themselves.

H has lied all the way through this. Even with what I'd consider incontrovertible (is that a word? ) he's claimed texts have been maniuplated, I'm rewriting history blah blah blah. I've got this far and I fear it will tip me over the edge if he paints me as neurotic once again. On the plus side, his siblings are totally behind me so even if I say nothing I think the IL's will hear it that way.

If you say nothing, they will probably wonder why you were quiet about it. So I would definitely mention it. They might ask anyway - you can't lie to them, just tell them the answers.

My MIL also thinks the sun shines out of DH's arse, but she would be really angry with him if he behaved like this, and she would support me and the kids.

Tell them what has happened as calmly as you can. Try not to use emotive language, just be as matter of fact about it as you can.

My ex-in laws live abroad and I had no contact with them for about six months either side of exH and I separating (due to his incessant infidelity among other things). I initiated contact as I knew they would want to keep in touch with my two DDs. I emailed them and when they replied they told me that exH had told them simply that I had met someone else - yes, six months post-split! Bit my tongue and told them that that was an interesting slant their son had put on it, but my memory of events was rather different. Absolutely no slagging off or emotional rants, but enough to let them know there were two versions of the story.

We are now in regular contact and they are coming to visit the girls and I when they are next in the UK. I think you should keep it simple and that you suggest to them that they speak with their son if they want specifics. Don't envy you. Good luck!

I agree definately say something about it.
I had ex MIL staying here for a weekend and tried to avoid getting into any conversations about some of the things her ds (my ex) had been doing but he himself started dragging her into it when I wouldn't talk to him at one point.

In the end I had to tell her what had been going on and it did make things easier all round, she was able to deal with him better and when she heard what he had been doing despite him being her baby she was in no doubt it could be and was true.

We are still in touch now and although in the past we have had a rocky relationship.

Don't get into slagging him off keep to facts and let them find out the rest from him.

I'm dreading it. MIL said she'd hear my side, then hear his side and come to the truth which would be somewhere in the middle.
I know what's happened, I wouldn't make it up and I don't want to have to feel I need to make a case for myself. Nobody has doubted me so far, quite the opposite.

Have decided not to see them today. I think I'd just blurt out too much or break down. I've got end of term fatigue and just want to go to bed!

You are totally entitled to do it on your terms. Make sure you do try to sit down and talk to them at some point so that they do get to hear the truth. I wouldn't read too much into them calling it "your side", they are no doubt mortified by what their son has done, but will still feel some loyalty towards him.

tiredoftherain I wouldn't worry about breaking down infront of her, as that would help her see how hurt and upset you are about it all,
just tell her your side and then come to an agreement with her that you would not like it to spoil your relationship with her, and her relationship with the dcs

I have followed your threads and am so sorry to hear that once again you have been put in a difficult situation and one which is using up a lot of emotional energy.

I agree that you need to stick to the facts, more often than not, the raw emotion that you may show when you do meet them will be in itself, compelling enough.

Hold tightly on to your dignity, don't get drawn into... "well he said this, and you are saying that." Just gently repeat what you want to say and don't find yourself intthe middle of someone else's agenda.

I would also, to be honest, be careful about expecting everyone to stand by you all the way through. We have had similar experiences in our family and even faced with firm evidence, relatives tend to side with their own flesh and blood. I am not meaning that your DHs siblings will change their opinions, but be careful, family dynamics can alter over time, so keep yourself safe and don't necessarily depend on them to stand up for you.

In our case, my DB's ExW painted him as a useless, half-wit alchoholic. I know its easy for me to say, but it wasn't true - at all, but her family chose to believe that, despite everything pointing towards their daughter. It nearly destroyed my DB emotionally and it was easier for everyone to believe that he 'had lost it'. He hadn't -thankfully. However, it has taken years to un-pick the lies and for him to form a meaningful relationship with his DCs.

Do this in your own time and in your own way.

Agree with everyone re facts, and not worrying if you don break down - and sending you lots of hugs xxxx

Thankyou so much for your kindness everyone. I'd made the decision not to see them today and then they turned up at the door this afternoon so the situation was forced in the end.

I was really calm in the end, just told them a few key facts and have left the rest. MIL cried (never seen her cry in 10 years), I think she's totally shocked. I got the impression she believed me though, and they were really warm towards me and about us maintaining a good relationship.

H arrives at their house later this evening, God only knows what, if anything, will be said then. Thank goodness that one's out of the way, I feel a lot better for it!

I think I'd be glad they'll soon be your exes problem if they turn up on the doorstep when you've asked them not to come. That sounds very selfish and controlling.
Glad it's over and done with but I think turning up on anyones doorstep when they've said they don't want to see you today is extremely rude and selfish.

sorry, 2rebecca, I didn't make that bit very clear. I'd decided I didn't want to see them and was waiting for them to phone so I could tell them so.

They never usually call to the house without phoning first, so it was a bit of a shock when they turned up. If I'd asked them not to come, they definitely wouldn't have.

I like my IL family, just not their ds..!

good news. If they have anything about them they will know the truth when they hear it anyway.

and don't forget they need to keep on the right side of you if they want to maintain a good relationship with their GC.