Do I tell H's parents what's been going on or leave it? Any advice welcome..

[tiredoftherain]

So the IL's have just got back from travels, and know nothing of recent developments (H caught cheating on me, him filing for divorce etc) They've pretty much been in a news-free bubble for 3 months and only know that we've split and H has moved out.

They want to come and see me today as they're desperate to see the dc's. I just don't know what to tell them about recent events. H will be seeing them later.

I know they really like me and want to stay in touch post split, this will be difficult for me if they can't at least acknowledge how badly H has behaved (it's a pretty clear cut situation) but I know I can't necessarily expect them to. It's really important to me that I'm believed as H has really behaved appallingly. Should I tell them what's been going on or just avoid the subject or even them?

I know, and I would never exploit that as I know they're really scared of losing contact. Hopefully they know me well enough to realise I'd never be vindictive.

I bet H is spinning it for all it's worth this evening. He's so convincing too.

I agree with MrsBoogie, I do think that the truth will be hard to ignore, but it will take them time to adjust to it.

If you manage to come though this and maintain a good relationship between your DCs and their GPs, I take my hat off to you. That will be something you can be really proud of. Why should he be able to take that away from them.

Try not to think too much about what your H is up to as he spins his web of deceit. His lies will catch up with him eventually and he will look a complete pratt. He just doesn't realise it yet!

tiredoftherain, it's probably just as well that it's turned out this way - plus you didn't have to keep fretting about how to deal with it, so you were probably less stressed and emotional about the whole thing when they turned up.

So far you have the sibs' support - no doubt the PILs will talk to the other sibs as well, and despite blood ties, if your H is saying one thing and everyone else is saying something different, it's not going to be too hard to work out the truth, even with "love-blindness".

I hope you are able to continue with a good relationship with your ILs - so long as you keep going the way you are, I don't see why anything should change. Good luck with it all.

Hey Tired, hows things? at the end of the day he cheated yes? if you had marritial problems then things need to be worked out you don't just go and screw someone else.

So whatever he says, I hope they can see that it is not your fault regardless.

If you had split and he hadn't done the dirty then he could have a fair argument from his side as could you. You don't go and cheat though that is just beyond reason. IFYSWM.

No,one can blame you for his infidelity.

Thanks everyone, I think sometimes when you're in the situation for a while it starts to seem reasonable but when you tell people what's been going on their faces say it all. The counsellor I saw actually cried when I told her what life was like at home.

The family are finding it a little chilling that H has moved on apparently without any upset at all. It's absolutely business as usual for him, just someone new to buy a Xmas gift for, and a soon to be ex wife to pay off so I go away. He's told me he's made mistakes with me and the dc's that he won't be repeating in future

He is totally starting to trip himself up now. Once this comes out at his work it's going to look really bad for him and the OW. It's hard to let go of the loyal feelings I used to have for him. Once I'd cover for him, now he's totally exposed. He's a sad person really and I bet his new life isn't what he hoped it would be.

tiredoftherain - the "moving on as though nothing has happened" is what I had with my ex-fiancé as well. 3 weeks after leaving our home (3m prior to our wedding date) he was organising a "family meal" so they could all meet the OW. His brother's GF refused to go - it was, after all, only 3w since she thought she was going to be my bridesmaid!

I think some men do this - they can just switch over and move on really well. (Not all, I hasten to add). It helps them to deal with any potential guilt - they just don't have it because they have moved on, and assume you will too. I too found it quite amazing that they can do this - even worse when he moved the OW into "our" home after I had found a new house to move into. Really was carrying on as if nothing had happened, just changed the person involved. Bizarre.

Unfortunately though it may seem bizarre to us, it's all too bloody common! Only a small percentage of men decide to end a relationship, before they have someone to go to - most have the replacement waiting in the wings.

As for him telling you that he's made mistakes with you and your DC's that he wont be making again... fuckwit. To me, that really shows what a wanker he is and how much better off you are without him. One day it will occur to him that the biggest mistake he made with you & your DC was screwing around on you and leaving!

It is very unprofessional of your counsellor to have cried - I hope she is otherwise able to help you.

Best of luck with your new life - there will be a lovely silver lining you know x

Thanks thumbleBells and ChippingIn - and yes, the counsellor turned out to be great. One day after I'd been seeing her for months she mentioned that her own circumstances had once been very similar to mine - uncannily similar I think. It was more tears in her eyes than full blown sobbing btw!!

Am really struggling this weekend. Feeling poorly and dc's are about to go off to IL's for present opening and overnight stay with H. I feel like they're all having fun while I'm now on my own. H has obviously said his piece and things seem quite settled there, I guess I'll never know the full picture, and I have to learn that my friends and family are always going to be the best support. Sad though, as I've liked being part of the IL family, it's big and boisterous.

I'm desperate not to be bitter over this, but right now it's impossible not to feel angry. I think I'm really grieving for the family I thought I'd have. Every time I spend more than 5 mins with H he reminds me somehow why I'm doing the right thing, through a dig at me, an impatient comment or something. I do also feel (irrationally I know) like this mess is somehow my fault, or I'll repeat this pattern again, and I really hope I don't. I just want to be happy again.

It's shite

It's the loss of so much that's hard to bear isn't it, including the loss of the IL family, which even if you manage to stay on good terms with them, is never the same once you aren't with your H. The loss of the family life you thought you were going to have etc. One thing that helped me through the shit was when someone said to me 'he hasn't taken away your life, your life can be exactly as you wanted it to be, you will just have a different person sharing it with you in the future'. I was a bit pftt at first as he was the only one I wanted to share it with, but actually they were right

It's very rough on you that the DC are going for present opening with the IL's and an overnight stay with H so soon...

Of course you're angry - you bloody well should be!! Don't worry yet about not being bitter - you've got a lot of feelings to deal with before you get to worrying about being bitter x

Just because H has said his piece and the DC's are going to the IL's, don't assume it's all roses with them, if they are as decent as they seem, they will be letting him know if no uncertain terms that what he has done to you and his children is a great disappointment to them (& more).

As you say, it's irrational that you feel it's your fault. There may be things you can learn from this (we can always learn something from a failed relationship!), but HE was the fuckwit that walked away from your relationship - HE didn't work it out with you...

You will come out of this stronger and happier - it will just take a little time

(Don't tell anyone, but I'm sending you some un-mumsnetty hugs!!).

I think ruining Christmas for kids by making them have 2 present opeinings just because parents are separated is cruel. My ex and I always felt the kids should have a traditional Christmas with santa bringing everything on Christmas morning no matter where they were.
To me adults insisting on seeing children open Xmas presents is putting their wants ahead of the children and I think ruining some of the Christmas magic.
Even now mine no longer believe in Santa they still get all Christmas presents at once and I give mine to ex if kids with him and vice versa.
My husband has always done this for his ex where as she refused to give us any xmas presents when with us which I thought was very small minded.
To me if you're not opening the present on xmas morning it's not really a Christmas present.

2Rebecca - of course, but this is just typical of TOTR's husband - it's all about him and his needs - and sod anyone else.

TOTR, as you know, I think you're marvellous. You have done brilliantly well, you know. I occasionally look back at your earlier posts and although you probably cringe now thinking that you once tried to see the best in him and believe his lies, to me it shows what a thoroughly decent person you are.

You will be so much happier in the future, especially when you move back to be nearer your family. H is deluding himeslf however (as usual) when he says he won't make the same mistakes twice. He will, because he's never once owned up to his culpability. Only when someone has admitted their own faults and mistakes, do they learn and change.

His family feel honour bound to support him and offer unconditional love, just as we would for our DCs. However, given their reaction when you saw them, I imagine that they will be far from happy at the way he has behaved. I'm sure they are hurting too.

What are your plans for Christmas? I hope it will be with your family. You've suffered so much hurt and bewilderment over the past couple of years, as I've said before, I hope you get mothered yourself some time soon.

TOTR, if I ever have a DIL, I hope she is just like you

awww, AF, and WWIFN now you've made me cry!!Hugs much appreciated, ChippingIn, I won't tell!

One day I'm sure I'll print out all of this (including all the stuff under sickoftherain - my original name for posting trauma) and thank the lord that I'm in a better place now, hopefully with a loving respectful partner.

I've just been talking to my mum and she gave me a rocket for going through this weekend on my own to try and do the right thing by IL's and H by giving them the opportunity for a little pre-Xmas celebration (we're going to my family for Xmas tomorrow, it's a long way away) when it's been frankly torturous for me.

The dc's are a bit young to question opening presents early, so I'm not so worried about that. H is really hamming up the doting dad act at the moment, it's a far cry from the man who used to complain when I went out for a 30 min run and left him with the dc's just a few months ago!

Have been reading a great book I bought called "The Ex Wife Syndrome and how to avoid it". I think I need to get into the mindset of it being purely business with H - we discuss the finances or dc's.I'm not going to mention OW again, or any of his friends. I get to practise this when he drops the dc's back later today..!

If nothing else, this has shown me I need to get on with my move asap. I'm so isolated in this area, I was never convinced about moving here and it's turned into a nightmare.