Should I contact ex-p new wife to tell her about 'illegal images'

[leftontheelf]

Have name changed. Been wanting to post this for a long time but too painful. A few reasons it has come to a head.

I will try to be concise.

I split up from my (very respectable) ex boyfriend about 10 years ago after discovering some under age images on our computer. He had been searching under 'lolita' etc.

The images and searches were amongst a whole range of other (adult) nasty stuff. All beyond the realms of normal i think.

He tried to deny all of this at the time - a whole range of pathetic excuses - but eventually admitted he had 'progressed' to these images after looking at other stuff.

I was left totally devastated and confused. If he had had 100's of very dodgy images then I could have classified him as a paedophile, but it seemed to be a bit of this and a bit of that in amongst lots of other grimness.

I did contact the police a while afterwards - prompted by a friend. They said they would record my comments in case anything ever came to light - obviously couldn't act on my info.

Anyway, to cut a long story short. I have recently found out that he is living in my area, got married last year , and he is now stepfather to two female twins, aged about 5.

I have his wife's phone number (another long story). They are both on facebook. Am absolutely torn on whether to attempt to contact her... destroy a marriage even?

Please don't attack me. As i write this I can imagine what I would say to someone else. I now have a young child and know that I would 'want to know'. I think this is why it has come to a head, I suddently feel very raw about this years afterwards.

However, I have mentioned it to a couple of friends who think contacting her pointless.

She may have been briefed (mad ex, maybe that i busted him over regular porn, god knows what story he has told her; he has had other girlfriends since me) as surely he lives in fear of this ever coming to light. Would she even believe it/me.

Also, and this distinction isnt an easy one i know; I have no real evidence that he is a threat to her children (albeit that he is totally complicit in the abuse of those he witnessed online), and maybe, in light of the 'portfolio' of other stuff he had, may well have been a morbid curiosity (as he claimed).

Oh God, am so sorry this is long. 10 years on and this is still haunting me.

Am just wanting to test out whether contacting her is the right thing to do, or the crazy thing.

And, by God, if someone contacted me about my current partner, am not sure what they could do to convince me he had done such a thing... so why on earth would she believe anything I sad?

Opinions very welcome.

It's no good people on this thread saying that the OP should have done something about it 10 years ago. Yes, of course she should.

But there are often situations where you don't do anything about it. Like leaving an abusive partner, for example - OF COURSE someone should leave an abusive partner there and then, but as we all know, people don't.

My opinion is that the OP shouldn't contact the new wife. You may well be at the receiving end of a VERY tough time if you do.

Other posters here have suggested that you speak to the NSPCC anonymously. You should be able to get guidance there.

But be aware of your motives. To do this for the sake of two children is one thing, to do it for the sake of your conscience is another......

i would want to know as his wife.

i think i would listen and then be a hell of a lot more watchful. i probably wouldn't believe you, but forewarned is forearmed.

I am flabbergasted at some of the responses. OP had done something 10 years ago and I firmly believe that the Police just waved her on. I reported a man that flashed at my friend about 18 years ago and was told we were mistaken. The police are not infallible.

I think SGB is right, you should phone an organisation like NSPCC. I think you'll feel awful if you do nothing and going to the mother is not an option.

test

More than 20 years ago a man abused a child. The police didn't handle things great so there was no conviction. He is now being brought to justice for that crime. It isn't too late if you think someone is a threat to do something about it. I wish someone had stood up for me.

Can I just point out that waiting until a person who is known to have had indecent images of children is actually living with with their own or step children is utterly wrong.

They are still abusing a child by downloading those images even if they are not living with a child if you see what I mean.

Call the NSPCC and get proper advice, I'm not quite sure that I believe you actually went to the police 12 years ago.
That was a time when (as another poster pointed out) there were lots of child abuse scandals in the public eye and it was a "hot topic" as it were. I'm not entirely convinced that someone going to the police and stating that they have seen images on another persons computer would be waved away.

i think you must tll her tbh.who cares if she shoots the messenger?!she's bound to disbelieve you,he's her husband,anyone would defend their partner against much alligations.at FIRST,but maybe what you tell her begins to make sense.maybe you could prevent something happening to one or both of those girls?
if he had the desire to look at pictures of young girls 10 years ago,you're not telling me that sexual urge just went away?
if the idea of something turns you on enough to actually seek out images of it,even though you know this isn't normal..thoughts like that don't just disappear.

so ring the wife,it may require a drop of dutch courage,but think not of the immediate barrage of verbal abuse that you are likely to get..but of what you may have stopped happening.
if he's innocent he'll be able to sort things out with her

sorry for typos and errors...have two lo's hanging off my arm!

lemonylemon...so fucking what,if the op recieves 'a very hard time'!!!!she's a big girl,am sure she can take it!you'd put two kids at risk rather than get an ear bashing from the mother then would you?nice

I don't think anyone here is qualified to advise you on this.

You need to speak to experts, but be very carefully to remain anonymous.

Personally, if my anonymity couldn't be guaranteed then I would not take this any further.

This kind of accusation has the potential to destroy lives. A key difficulty with this is that you found the images 10 years ago - so unless you have preserved the computer then you have no evidence. But please seek advice.

I would have to tell, probably anonymously in a letter or something as I am a wimp.

Even if she doesn't believe what you have to say it would be there, she would have been alerted to the potential, she'd check the PC history and be more aware and cautious.

If I received that information about my DP and he said it wasn't true, I would probably believe him if I had no suspicions myself but I would sure as hell be keeping my eyes peeled for anything not quite right.

wannabe, I think I love you

Motherbeyond, read my post. I said to go down another route, not to put two children at risk.

By a very rough time, I meant physically harrassed etc. etc. by her ex, not necessarily the new wife.

Read the post again.

okay lemony,i see what you mean..sorry i just find it hard that people seem to be saying,ohh don't get involved,stay out of it,it might cause you grief.i'd do anything to protect a child,it doesn't matter if it caused me problems.don't think i could live with myself if anything came to light,knowing that i'd sat on my hands for an easy life

Gosh. Thank you all for the posts.

Humble am very sorry for you. Very sorry. I understand how your very foundations are rocked.

My friends also surprised me. Most of my friends were told at the time of what had happened.. most were outraged, however, I was amazed at how many people seemed to think it was no big deal, that it meant nothing, it was only 'porn' and that I was overreacting in trying to get him arrested!

The images were not 'barely legal' - although there was plenty of that too. He told me he had started on the teen sites (after exhausting various other grim things, including images of women with, god, looked like knife wounds) and then got 'led' into younger and younger.

These girls looked about 8-10ish, mostly thai, certainly not 18 but dressed as schoolgirls!

Wannabe! Am taken aback. Yes I told the police, they took the fine details, and told me they couldnt do anything. Honestly! Why would I lie on here?

To clarify, and I can understand why some people have asked "why now". My ex partner left the area pretty much pronto (he had only moved to the area with me whilst I was studying). I did hear through a very very long grapevine, that he had a girlfriend a few years ago, in another area. Of course, I thought about the fact he might have children, etc, but I felt helpless really.

It has come to a head because - and it gets weirder for me, and this is true - my current partner and father of my DC actually saw his wedding picture in our local rag. His name rung a bell with him. I was gobsmacked. He is apparently living about 10 miles away from me with the mother of two twins (bridesmaids) - I cannot believe he is back around here.

I managed (and it was all from the local papers details) to get his wife's number, but for all of the reasons discussed above, have not acted on it.

I am now considering it, hence my post.

I am now trying to track down the correct people to speak to locally and am going to do it via SS as I think telling her may even be counterproductive - she wouldn't believe it, he would be additionally careful to cover any tracks (if there are any).

Thanks again for your support.

The images sound extremely, extremely worrying.

I would again urge you to act upon what you feel and contact SS for the sake of the children. Your last post makes very difficult reading. I think it is absurd the police did not act at the time if they had this information .

Motherbeyond - I understand. I came from the point of view that she should get involved to protect the children - but that she also has a young child and that child should be protected as well - ie. from threats/harrassment etc. etc.

I definitely would not see a child at risk.

Leftontheelf - great post, good luck. Glad you are going to do something. Let us know how you get on.

I went on a very brief introduction to safeguarding course yesterday. The child protection woman leading it - a social worker by background - was very clear that you should always bring any legitimate concerns to the attention of someone who can consider whether they are serious enough for an investigation or for action to be taken.

Obviously this was a very basic workshop aimed at parent helpers rather than the last word on the subject (and it could have been reduced down to 'the designated senior person round here is the head, go and talk to her', tbh). But still.

Leader said if you stop a paedophile, you may save 400 children. Which was a startling figure. Would have loved to have found out how she got that one but wasn't really the right environment to cross question her and I had to leave sharpish to pick ds up at the end.

Leftontheelf, this is a very long-winded way of saying I think your concerns are clearly legitimate and should be investigated by someone who knows about child protection ? the cops, the NSPCC, whatever.

SUE MUNCH, too bloody true
I agree go to a professional (ie local police/social worker) and get their advice

you could massively fuck up someones life whatever course you do, and I dont imagine anyone here is qualified to advise, sorry