Should I contact ex-p new wife to tell her about 'illegal images'

[leftontheelf]

Have name changed. Been wanting to post this for a long time but too painful. A few reasons it has come to a head.

I will try to be concise.

I split up from my (very respectable) ex boyfriend about 10 years ago after discovering some under age images on our computer. He had been searching under 'lolita' etc.

The images and searches were amongst a whole range of other (adult) nasty stuff. All beyond the realms of normal i think.

He tried to deny all of this at the time - a whole range of pathetic excuses - but eventually admitted he had 'progressed' to these images after looking at other stuff.

I was left totally devastated and confused. If he had had 100's of very dodgy images then I could have classified him as a paedophile, but it seemed to be a bit of this and a bit of that in amongst lots of other grimness.

I did contact the police a while afterwards - prompted by a friend. They said they would record my comments in case anything ever came to light - obviously couldn't act on my info.

Anyway, to cut a long story short. I have recently found out that he is living in my area, got married last year , and he is now stepfather to two female twins, aged about 5.

I have his wife's phone number (another long story). They are both on facebook. Am absolutely torn on whether to attempt to contact her... destroy a marriage even?

Please don't attack me. As i write this I can imagine what I would say to someone else. I now have a young child and know that I would 'want to know'. I think this is why it has come to a head, I suddently feel very raw about this years afterwards.

However, I have mentioned it to a couple of friends who think contacting her pointless.

She may have been briefed (mad ex, maybe that i busted him over regular porn, god knows what story he has told her; he has had other girlfriends since me) as surely he lives in fear of this ever coming to light. Would she even believe it/me.

Also, and this distinction isnt an easy one i know; I have no real evidence that he is a threat to her children (albeit that he is totally complicit in the abuse of those he witnessed online), and maybe, in light of the 'portfolio' of other stuff he had, may well have been a morbid curiosity (as he claimed).

Oh God, am so sorry this is long. 10 years on and this is still haunting me.

Am just wanting to test out whether contacting her is the right thing to do, or the crazy thing.

And, by God, if someone contacted me about my current partner, am not sure what they could do to convince me he had done such a thing... so why on earth would she believe anything I sad?

Opinions very welcome.

What a horrible dilemma for you. I'd agree with the suggestions to ring the Police. NSPCC etc for advice first. Good luck and try not to beat yourself up about this.

Anyfucker I don't understand you on this thread.

Leftontheelf I'm really sorry this is haunting you. I would agree with those who say talk to the NSPCC or the police who specialise in this sort of thing to get their advice.

im also confused by AF on this one, i usually pretty much agree with her opinions but i do think the 2 little girls are more important here

You know, this is such a highly volatile area. If he were a risk of course you would tell somebody, those pictures you describe do sound questionable. (Having not seen them I don't know what else to call them.)

However things like this ruin people for the rest of their lives if it turns out to be a mistake which is why if you feel you need to do something about this that you talk it through with a professional first before taking any action.

If you decide to take action research it first, know what to expect through the process and obviously you will need to provide some evidence in order to substantiate your claims.

I really don't envy you at all. Having been at the hands of somebody like this as a child myself, it is not something you would want to feel responsible for as an adult knowing you could have done something to prevent it happening.

Think first, act later.

I find it shocking that the police did nothing at the time. This was at the height of Jan Leeming getting interviewed for photographing her own children at bathtime etc. Surely they should have done more?

My initial reaction was the same as Anyfucker's. But the two pre-pubescent girls together thing is a worry. I don't think contacting the mother directly would get you anywhere though.

My dh's father abused his sister and has gone on 20 years later to have a daughter. We foster so we informed our social worker about it and she said that we could think about contacting social services in the town they live and saying that we have a concern.

Perhaps you could do that?

I don't think there's anything we could actually do - we don't want to tell the new wife as she just won't believe us or his sister.

Definitely don't contact the mother directly: you have no proof of anything and she will not listen to you. You might even find yourself facing an action for slander (I am not saying that you are lying, but unless a search was done and images found now, there is no hard evidence that you are not lying IYSWIM).

It is, of course, possible that, as the images you saw were a few mixed up with other images that did not feature the abuse of children, that it was either morbid curiosity or the images downloaded when he was looking for something else ie he is no danger to children. I think the best course probably is to ring the NSPCC or similar. It may be that you will be advised to speak to the police who will at least cross-check if he has been reported or come to their attention for anything similar.

Do you have any evidence at all of the type of images he was looking at? I'm assuming not.

I would be tempted to contact the new wife, though as even though she may not listen (and may even write you off as a bitter, raving nutter), it will still put some doubt in her mind if ever she sees something a bit odd.

Personally I think where paedophilia is concerned there is no such thing as a reformed character, but you could end up tarring someone as a paedophile who honestly did just stumble across them whilst looking at other (possibly dodgy) but otherwise only a bit weird stuff.

This is not a situation where you can do nothing.

Please contact the NSPCC or your local family centre (for SS) They can help you.

Men without sexual thoughts about young children are not turned on by looking at photographs of underage sex. This is not something you can "grow out of".

I would not contact this woman directly, it needs to be done by professionals who know the signs to look for and can talk to the children alone.

You cannot just cross your fingers and leave this.

Lefty - You MUST MUST MUST do something. The reason the police did nothing 10 years ago was because it was 10 years ago and child porn wasnt so prolific as it is now. Now (and I have first hand experience of this) they will be down on him like a tonne of bricks. I am just waiting for the same scenario to come up with my ex and I will be contacting whoever he is with if she has kids. These men will do anything to hide what they have done or do. they cannot be trusted.
Even if she brands you as some kind of nutter, you will have set the seed of thought and she will start to check on him.
then its up to her, you will have done all you can and can step away and possibly start to heal.
I know what you mean about it affecting your 30s and 40s, This only happened to me in the last 3 years and i know its going to stay with me forever, ive had counselling and cant ever see me trusting anyone ever again.
Please please, contact her or the police. You must do your part in trying to stop these vile creatures.
Sorry if im sounding odd, but ive lived through this.

Actually, 10 years ago Gary GLitter was busted. Before that, people were being investigated over allegations of child porn. If absolutely nothing was done about the images on this man;s computer 10 years ago, is it possible they were not actually abuse images? Were they maybe 'barely legal' ie 18-year-olds in fake school uniform or something?
Now while many people find such material distasteful, it is not actual images of child abuse and doesn't actually indicate (particularly when it's a few images in the middle of a lot of other, presumably fetish, imagery) that someone is a potential child abuser.
And again, because the OP has no evidence in her possession, it is going to be very difficult for her to be believed and not dismissed as a bitter nutjob, and it is also just possible that in fact the man isn't a danger to children at all.

Solid, what I meant about 10 years ago, and didnt say, was that the police didnt have the technology that they have today to strip down computers the way they can now.

the images found on my DH computer were also of two girls. Apparently two girls are usually used together for these photos as the person taking the photo gets less trouble from the girls if they are used/taken together.

And as far as the police are concerned, they cannot possibly tell the real age of the child/person in the image and so most are taken seriously.

I thought the OP said the police didnt even look into the H at the time, so how would they have known if the images were bad or not?

legally if the OPs H had images of children in explicit poses then he would have been charged with possession of those images just becasue he downloaded them, irrespective of how they got on to his computer, whether it was by mistake or intentional. He had possession, so he would have been charged.

Im not just guessing at all this, I actually know, cos ive been through it.

IMVHO the OP should be doing something to get this guy looked into. I would be very surprised if what he did all those years ago was a one off!!

All that matters is the safety and well being of these little girls and doing nothing won't keep them safe or cause them harm. Staying quiet might cause them harm. No one on here could possibly know and you need to speak to someone in authority and I would go straight to the police tbh not NSPCC ime.

I would go to the police too

I don't know why you left it all these years and accepted the police not taking any action TBH

Also, I know not all men who have images of children on their computers turn into child abusers. I dont think for one minute that my ex would have been a child abuser, BUT (and this is a BIG BUT) it doesnt change the fact that those children in those images were exploited to produce the image in the first place and every time someone downloads those images, they are feeding the bastards shite who are using these kids.

agree with anyfucker Im afraid. The relevant ship has sailed unfortunately. beyond the initial call that was 'logged' there is no proof or anything further that can be done I feel. However a call to the relevent SS department is no bad thing. A call to the wife is a very very bad idea.

contact her. or better still contact SS.

to look at pornography is one thing. it is also sometimes likely that you can accidentally stumble a cross illegal images like those you speak of, but for them to be saved on his computer he must have copied or downloaded them. he has CHOSEN to have them on his pc. he WANTS to look at them further.

he is a danger to children, however small. his new wife should be allowed this knowledge in ordere for her to make adequate steps to keep her children safe

Hope you are ok OP? This is crap and I really feel for you.

MP: but there is NOTHING the police can do about an unsubstantiated allegation from 12 years ago. Otherwise people all over the place would be having their doors kicked in and computers siezed on a regular basis as every vindictive recently-dumped headcase jumped on the bandwagon of making up abuse allegations to get back at an XP.
Calling SS is probably the best option as they will hopefully cross-reference against any other concerns - because if the man is dangerous, lots of different notifications of something being not quite right will hopefully add up to a big enough picture of danger for action to be taken.

My exH said it was a mistake and had happened accidentally!!! It was then found that he had 78 images on the pc. AND he did it again about a year later.... some mistake!!!

I cant leave this thread, im sorry if i sound bitter, thats becasue I am and I dont want some other poor woman to go through what I went through, let alone the possible danger to those poor children of the new wife.

these men are all around us and you never know who they are till they are caught. My ex was secretly looking at these things at work, so if they hadnt caught him, I may never have known. That thought alone makes me feel physically sick and very very

so what are you going to say? "I'd like to report a man who had child images on his computer ten years ago"?

Sorry but I find it hard to believe that the police would have done nothing when you went to them originally, even harder to believe that they would have told you that they couldn't investigate purely on someone giving them the info. How else do they find these type of people?

Did you actually go to the police at all? Or are you just saying you did so you don't get a hard time now for having done nothing back then?

If you go to the wife you will sound like a jealous nutter with an axe to grind.

If this man had indecent images of children on his computer ten years ago then it was your responsibility to do something about it ten years ago. You can't just decide now you know that he has a wife that you have to do something. How do you know he hasn't had a dozen partners with children before?

I would want to know.
I would hate you and scream at you.
I would tell you I didn't believe you and that you were jealous, vindictive, bitter, a fantasist etc etc etc
But I would definitely definitely want to know.

What a horrible situation.

SGB: I don't believe that the best that the serious crime squad can do regarding internet crime is kick a door in and sit down at your desk. Someone SAW the evidence and reported it. If they can't act on that, what CAN they act on?

I would ring and explain the situation and say that you just want to check that the correct procedures were followed, and whether there is anything that you can/should do.

Yes Wannabe, thats exactly what she should say. It could be that the police are aware of him already. Its quite possible when she spoke to the police originally that she just happened to get a crappy copper who didnt want the paperwork. My ex's first police investigation didnt end up like i expected, they didnt seem to make much of it. Bet they wish they had now, cos he did it again!!!
Who is going to stop these people if no-one acts on anything. I dont understand the mentality of some of the people on here, call yourselves parents?