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marriage finished??

28 replies

confusedandupset · 06/06/2003 12:14

My marriage has gone down the pan. I know now that I do not love him anymore. We get on great but any feelings I have for him has gone. He still loves me and wants me but I don't want him. He wants me to try and work at it but I have tried for the last 4 months. I have changed in the last 8 years and grown up a lot and I simply do not want him. We have had half a sex ( i stopped it half way through as it was making me feel physically sick) in 2 1/2 months, I have no sexual feelings towards him.

OP posts:
codswallop · 06/06/2003 12:16

I resume he realises the depth of your feelings?

confusedandupset · 06/06/2003 12:19

Oh yes I have told him. But its doesn't seem to be going in.

OP posts:
codswallop · 06/06/2003 12:25

do you think theres any hope with (shudders at use of word)"counselling"?

M2T · 06/06/2003 12:29

Confusedandupset - that sounds awful. Is there someone else in your life or have you just gone off him over the years?

confusedandupset · 06/06/2003 12:35

There is someone that I would love to get with but wether he would have me is another matter, but I have just gone off hubby over the years. I was 16 when we met and I have changed a lot.

OP posts:
doormat · 06/06/2003 12:51

Could you be confused and your feelings changing because of this other man in your life? Is it a possibility? What about the children ?

confusedandupset · 06/06/2003 12:57

i don't love him full stop, haven't done for a while. We get on so well as friends, dissussing things and the kids but as soon as he comes near me I tense up and feel sick at the thought of him touching me. I don't enjoy sex and he doesn't turn me on at all. I am not a cow and would like to make this easy on everyone but he thinks everything is going to be ok and quite frankly its not.

OP posts:
doormat · 06/06/2003 13:08

To be honest I do not know what you should do? I dont know anyone else in a similar position as yourself.
Only you can decide what you want out of life? I am here to talk about your situation now if you would like?
How old are the children?

confusedandupset · 06/06/2003 13:11

5,3 and 1

OP posts:
doormat · 06/06/2003 13:23

You should do what you feel is right in your heart? Have you tried some quality time together alone without the children ie pictures, pub etc.If you feel that you are not going to regain that love and the sexual feelings towards him back I think IMO you should have a trial seperation or something along those lines. Maybe then as the old saying goes "abscence makes the heart grow fonder" the old feelings may be regained, if not then at least you have tried.

I believe we should all be happy in our lives and if we are not we should do something positive towards gaining that happiness.

Crunchie · 06/06/2003 14:25

I have never been through this so my thoughts maybe off the mark, but although there is a lot to be said for sticking with it, for the sake of the children, sometimes you just have to reach for what you want. Counselling could help, perhaps to make him understand that you really want to split. He sounds like a typical male who is sticking his head in the sand over this. Try to sit down and discuss it with him, explain how you feel and why you feel this way. If you can make it as painless as possible and still remain friends then that is a good job. I would say that before you reach that stage there will be a lot of unhappiness and bitterness.

Good Luck

XAusted · 06/06/2003 14:36

OK, I really hope nobody knows my real identity or I'll wish I'd changed my name!
I have been married for 10 years to a man I don't love and never really have. (So how did we end up married? Hmm, wish I knew.) Anyway, we have 2 kids (6 and 4) and that's why we're still together. It's a good reason.
I'm trying to concentrate on making sure that other areas of my life are happy in order to counteract the misery of a dead marriage because I know how hard it would be to be on my own with the kids. My h works away a lot so I have some experience of single parent life.
H still insists that he loves me which makes me feel guilty. We don't even share a bed any more.
Without wishing to sound patronising, make sure you weigh up everything very carefully before deciding whether to stay or go - you could create more problems than you solve. You say that you and your h get on well so maybe it's worth sticking it out.

fio2 · 06/06/2003 15:14

XAusted are you and your dh going to stay together after the children have left home?Are you just sticking it out until they are a bit older?I respect you for what you are doing but dont you feel you deserve some other hapiness maybe with someone else, maybe on your own?

confusedandupset · 06/06/2003 16:04

Thats why I changed my name. I had doubts on our wedding day (how i wish I'd listened to them then)

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XAusted · 06/06/2003 19:58

Me too, confusedandupset! If we had only known then what we know now, eh?
Do you think you could rekindle your relationship? Is there anything there to revive?
I don't know how long we'll stay together. H says he won't admit defeat and split up but I think it's inevitable that we'll part eventually.

jasper · 06/06/2003 22:21

confused and upset you say you don't love him but you are great friends. Do you really mean you don't fancy him? If that is all that is missing in your relationship is that really so important? There is a huge chance you will repeat this all over again with someone else.( I speak from experience)
It is very hard to remain passionate about one person for a long time. If you are great friends and share similar views on your kids, this is a lot more than most marriages I know.

Please be very careful about throwing in the towel if the main reason is lack of romance/passion/sexual desire.
I hope I have not confused you further.
Good luck.

confusedandupset · 11/06/2003 09:45

But I want passion!!!!!!!!!! I want to feel love and be loved. I want to feel happy and not hate being in the same room as someone. I want my heart to flip and feel young again.

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M2T · 11/06/2003 10:18

COnfusedandUpset - these feelings are wonderful, but rarely last longer than the relationship honeymoon period! Well ok apart from the feeling loved part..... you should still feel loved no matter how long you have been together.

You might go looking elsewhere for the new relationship buzz, but what happens when that wears off the next time?

expatkat · 11/06/2003 10:26

My marriage shares some similarities with yours and Xausted's, and I was deeply unhappy for a long time, but then I started to focus on my own stuff: mainly my career. The kids and I are going to be apart from dh for a while (b/c of my work) and I reckon the absence will "make the heart grow fonder." Is there a way you can get away for a while? That's not feasible for most people, but thought I'd ask.

Unfortunately, the heart-flipping thing eludes a lot of people, even in the best of marriages, and I think we as a culture suffer from unrealistic and romanticised notions of marriage. Yes, lots of people CLAIM to feel passion for their spouses 20 yrs down the line, but I have to wonder if that's not just just a bit of crowing from image-conscious types. I personally think a lot of people are less than honest about the dark sides of their marriages. But because I think honesty about difficult issues is a good thing, and helps move society forward, I'm not afraid to talk frankly about my disappointments with marriage. (Remember way back when, when mums couldn't admit their ambivalent feeling about their children?)

I think you need to ask yourself if you'd rather be alone. Because, of course, there's no guarantee you'll find someone "out there" either, at least not immediately. And if you would actually rather be on your own, then there's no point in pursuing with the marriage IMO, not for the children, not for anything.

M2T · 11/06/2003 10:30

I want grrrrrrreat sex, but unless I want to look elsewhere I'm just going to settle with what I've got.

Wise words Expatkat.

susanb · 11/06/2003 20:34

confusedandupset and xhausted - I am very sorry to hear of your sadness. I've had my ups and downs with my partner, I suffered from PND and there have been plenty of times when I've thought I'd be better off alone. However, when it really comes down to it, I couldn't imagine not being with him, because even though our sex life goes up and down (excuse the pun) and sometimes we disagree entirely on certain things, he is one of my best friends and a person I completely trust. Most importantly, he is a fantastic father to our son and has always treated me with complete respect. I suppose what I'm trying to say, is that its not unusual to go off sex (although if you want it with someone else, then you've obviously got problems!)

I have a cousin who left her hubby of 13 years, 2 years ago; they had 3 children and she met somebody over the internet who she is still with. She still believes she made the right decision, although its been extremely tough for the children and she has severe financial difficulties. I also know of women who have left their partners and gone in search of something 'better' but have never found it.

My parents have been married 40 years and are still in love with each other and they always worked damned hard at their marriage. I agree with another poster, that we do over unrealistic expectations of our love life and sometimes we think the grass is always greener on the other side. Nevertheless, only you know, deep down whether you would rather part. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

confusedandupset · 15/06/2003 08:18

Things are still bad. He hasn't moved out like he said he would. He keeps trying to cuddle me and yesterday he even lean in for a kiss as I was getting out the car to get some milk. I can't stand him touching me let alone kissing. He still wants to talk but I am fed up with saying the same things over and over. Its simple...... I don't love him....... He said I was happy to cuddle him in bed 2 nights ago....... I was asleep!!!!I might have done but I don't remember and usually DD1 is in our bed so i proberly thought it was her LOL..... I just wish he would move out and get it over with.. had enough now.....

OP posts:
oxocube · 15/06/2003 09:00

confusedandupset, at the risk of sounding really horrible here, why should your dh move out when its your feelings towards him that have changed? I feel for you in this difficult situation, but am also trying to see things from your husband's point of view: you have three children and a home together. Its not really so surprising that he's trying to make a go of things. Is it possible that you can live more as friends than lovers as another poster has said?

I totally agree with all the posters who say that the romance and passion in most marriages is usually short lived. In my own case, the first couple of years were very exciting but passion has slowly fizzled out (although we have our moments!) over the 14 yrs we have been together, not because we don't find each other attractive any more, but largely because with 3 young kids, we are often too tired to make the effort!

Think carefully if you want out of your marriage simply because you want a 'grand passion'. Will it be worth it in the long run? Have you considered Relate? Even if your marriage truly has run its course, an objective third party might help your dh to see this. Lots of luck.

confusedandupset · 15/06/2003 09:57

Because i have 2 disabled kids and i do all the appointments, reports, schooling etc for them and the house has been adapted for them.... thats why!!!

OP posts:
oxocube · 15/06/2003 15:47

confusedandupset, I'm sorry my post upset you further. I guess thats the problem with boards like this - not knowing the full story. Don't really know what else to say as you seem very convinced that your marriage is over. Hope things work out for you all. oxo

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