Are all men like this...

[AtTheEndOfMyPatience]

Or is it just DP?

I love DP very much and he is a good person BUT he does nothing for himself. I do housework from dawn til dusk yet the house is still a tip. How can anyone create mess at such a speed?

We lived with his parents, who are very soft (but the loveliest people in the world!)until about 6 months ago then got our own little house.

He does not do any laundry, any cooking, hoovering, or ANYTHING without me asking for 3 days first. He just doesn't seem to grasp that it's HIS clothes, HIM who will be hungry if he doesn't cook. Why is it my responsability, it's his house too!

I do all the laundry, wash it, dry it, iron it, then leave it in a pile on our bed and ask him to put it away. When I go up to bed, it's still there! EVERY DAY! It usually gets chucked on the floor and I get moaned at because he can't find his uniform.

He asked me to write down the things I wanted him to, which I did, it's up on the fridge with ONE chore to do each day. He has never even looked at it.

I feel like I am drowning. I work 4 days a week as a childminder. I am doing an OU course and I have one DS. I just can't cope with everything at once and I'm falling behind on my course work, the house is a mess and I spend no time with DS.

I feel like I have a teenage son instead of a partner.

I have talked to him about it so many times. I've tried asking nicely, I've argued with him. I've asked him why he doesn't do anything about it. Doesn't he care that this is how I feel? If I try to talk to him about it he looks sorry for himself or offended that I've 'had a go'. He'll then do one small chore to make himself feel better and we're back to square one again. He makes jokes about me being a nag or blames my temper on PMT.

I am tempted to fuck of for a month and let him learn how to look after himself and DS the hard way but I've nowhere to go and it would be DS who suffers.

The thing is I'm trapped because he KNOWS I won't go. He KNOWS I won't stopped doing evrything because of DS so he has no reason to change does he?

He has no respect for you. You're his skivvy and he doesn't mind that you're unhappy, must be so nice to feel so loved and appreciated, not. However, this book might help, it's not available on the UK Amazon site, but I've seen it in my local library so I reckon it is available quite easily, it's a really excellent book and analyses the different strategies men use to get their wives to be skivvies and the different psychologies women have which lead them to accept such contemptuous treatment. It also shows you how to stop this happening. I highly recommend it, it's a very easy, interesting read.

The Lazy Husband

oh and to answer your question, no not all men are like this. The ones who love and respect their wives and understand that she is as human as he is and they don't have an entitlement to have the woman they fuck also pick up their laundry, don't behave like this.

Thanks. I feel awful for posting this because he really is a lovely bloke and has many great qualities. He had a VERY easy childhood. He has never had to do anything for himself and I think he genuinly doesn't have a clue just how much I do. He doesn't listen when I tell him though, which makes me doubt the 'doesn't have a clue theory'. Surely if he really didn't know he would be suprised and apoligise, and help me out more, the first time I told him.

XH was exactly like this. Thats one of the reasons he's X Sorry, not helpful, I know.

Seriously though, you need to stamp on this behaviour now, not wait 10 years by which time you'll really hate him for it. He "jokes" that you're nagging? XH used to joke that I nagged so much it was like living with my mother - one of my friends taught me to reply "but you'd never talk that rudely to your mother"...

Just stop doing his stuff - wash your own and ds clothes and not his, (easier than the cook just for you and not him suggestion, but takes longer to sink in) just ignore things that he doesn't clear up after himself.

Just talking to him again won't work. He sees no reason to do the work because he knows you will do it (someone will come along in a minute and say its because he feels that because he's a man and you're a woman he feel entitled to have you slave for him; personally I think they're just bone lazy). XH once called me a house-elf, meaning it as a compliment....

Does he work? Is he out of the house all day?

ok, cross-posted with just a couple of posts

You have an immature manchild for a partner I am sorry to say.

Your partner learnt a damaging lesson from his parents here when growing up; it is a very hard lesson to undo and you may not be able to ultimately do this. My guess too is that his own Mother did everything for her H and her son now your partner and now unsurprisingly he expects the same from you.

The facts that his parents are soft and he had a very easy childhood just says that everything back then was done for him. You have now taken on the Mummy role; he's no real partner to you at all is he. Would also argue on a wider level that he's no role model for your DS to look up to either.

Do the necessary chores for you only and DS. No washing up manchild's plates, no preparing his food or putting his own clothes away, no washing them either.

"Joking" that you nag is masking rudeness on his part; he is actually showing you contempt. You cannot change him but you can change how you react to him.

He is at uni 1 and half days a week and works 2 days a week. I LOVE cooking so I'm not giving that up but it would be nice if he did the dishes after tea.

The laundry sounds good. I've threatened it before but we were living with his parents then so his dad just did it instead and I felt that I was making more work for dad rather than DP. I don't do his uniform mind you and he still gets up every time and asks me where it is . My answer is always "I don't know, where did you put it dear?" but then he gets arsey, and we argue and I get stressed out and post on mumsnet about it!

no, not all men are like this

my bloke does his share even his ironing (since he criticised once how I did it about 15 yrs ago )

there is a clear case here for just downing tools

you do your stuff, he does his

when he gets hungry and has no clean clothes, he will realise

So you do 4 days a week plus an OU course and he does a total of 3 and a half days a week? Presumably the extra time he spends not 'working' he actually spends just making a mess? Thats the bit that would get me cross actually, that you have less free time already, yet still have to do more.

If he can joke about nagging, you should be able joke about both his laziness and about individual laundry incidents ("where's my uniform?" "I don't know, maybe you think there's a fairy that will have come and washed it for you hahaha") He should still get the message as long as you keep not doing the work for him.

Tell him he has one week to pull himself together and do his share of an agreed list of jobs.

And if he doesnt keep to the agreement then HE pays for a cleaner. And if you can't afford it suggest he gets a job to pay for it on the days he isnt at uni or working already.

Tough love !

And no its not normal, I dont know anyone in real life like this.

Ok, here is a little something I learnt along the way that has helped me out in situations like this.

Men like to problem solve. If you nag him about housework, YOU become the problem. He 'solves' this problem by tuning you out. If you don't nag him about it he sees the real problem, ie no uniform, no food in for dinner etc. Then he 'solves' that problem by cleaning clothes etc.

Just be aware that it might have to get an awful lot more untidy than you think is acceptable before he sees the problem. I think most men have a different tolerance level to mess than most women.

Also - you are at the relative start of your living together life, so please do get this resolved soon. Its one of those things that will soon spiral out of control. You will feel unappreciated and not want sex, he will feel nagged and as if he is not appreciated because you don't want to have sex with him.

And remember, please don't turn into his mother - doing everything for him. One, he will never learn to appreciate the hard work involved in looking after a home and child, and two, no man wants to be romantic and sexy with someone who reminds him of his mother!

I really want to do this but I work from home and have an inspection coming up. I can't let the house decend into chaos.

I really think I'm going to fail my OU course. I just don't have the time.

ha!

no

dp is cleaning the house atm while I shop at boden

and then I am off out for the afternoon while he looks after the kids (properly, mind, I doubt I'll be coming home to a big stack of cleaning, in fact odds are supper will be made in advance and some christmassy crafting will have been done)

he IS a good man, a wonderful man etc etc, and I am lucky to have him. But it is his wonderful sense of humour and dashing good looks which I am lucky to have. Not the cleaning. All men should be doing 50:50 in their houses as a matter of course.

Mothers take note here, you do your sons NO favours if you don't let/make them learn to do chores.

No, not all husbands are like this. My husband, like yours, had a SAHM who did everything for him, but since he wasn´t looking for a 50´s style housewife as his partner there was never an issue about him wanting me to take over (not that I would have!). His mum didn´t teach him any chores as such, but he´s an intelligent man and could learn by looking, plus I actually think that her high standards rubbed off on him, so he´s an excellent cleaner :D
BTW, I see that his DAD took over washing etc when you lived with them, so it seems that the mum´s-to-blame excuse doesn´t even work here....

OP, you need to get assertive without being afraid of the NAG label - don´t put up with it, he´s making a fool of you! You´ll end up resenting him and your relationship will suffer even more - the best thing to do for a better future is to tackle this now. Good luck.

No, not all men are like this. Some are grown up and decent human beings. While you continue to run around after him he has no reason to change but in all honesty he should want to do what needs to be done for the good of you all and not because you have nagged.

Stop cooking for him, stop washing for him, stop shagging him. You can't as you need to study, spend time with your son, etc.

DH is much better at housework than me. I would say ewe do 50/50 despite the fact that I am sahm ansd he works.

For the record, his mum is absolutly lovely, it was definately his dad that did a lot for him. He's like it now with DS,lets him get away with anything he wants. He'll do anything for either of them, and me, difference is I don't expect him to or ask unless I really need the help.

I wouldn't stop shagging him. Why should you deny yourself pleasure just because he won't do the laundry. I don't think it's a good idea to do a stand-off in a situation like this, I think you need to make him want to do this stuff because it makes you happy and you deserve it and treating you as a skivvy is the sign of a bad husband and he wants to be a good one, not because he won't get a shag otherwise.

Honestly read that book it is so good on this stuff.

I did say that Herbeatitude - wrt him wanting to do it but some men only think with their willies.

No, DH is nothing like this. He pulls his weight like a grown adult. Bluntly your DP sounds incredibly lazy, as he only works/studies 31/2 days per week. What is he doing the rest of the time?

I can see how it's difficult as you work from home and need to keep a decent standard for your mindees. Is he in the same rooms as the mindees when he's not working/at uni? Or could you just leave him to it in his area and never clean/tidy it?

If you're going to get the message through, think you will need to be strong and not cook for him for at least the odd occasion. Doesn't stop you cooking for yourself and DS. Just make sure you freeze the spare before he gets to it .

Be strong!

No, all men are not like that. My DH and i generally have jobs that we each do (eg-i clean the loos, he cuts the grass) and most of the other house work is shared 50:50. i am on mat leave at the mo, so he is doing even more than before, but generally when we were both working full time, we still shared the tasks between us. I think particularly in view of your DH only being at college part time, he could as an absolute minimum push the vac round and put the clean clothes away. it is a bit ungrateful to not help you or recognise what you do. Hope you can get to the bottom of it!

nope, DP is nothing like this.

you need to work out what you HAVE to do to keep your house up to CMing standards and give yourself those chores then give him the other ones and DO NOT do them!!!!!!!!

so you can keep the place hoovered and clean (at least the areas you use for CMing) and your own and DCs laundry and food but leave his for him to do (have separate laundry bins).

There is no way he will change while you continue to do stuff for him, no way at all.

I have not read the musings in the other replys, but the simple solution is to stop doing any chores that benefit him,

ie, wash your and your kids clothes, leave his

same goes for ironing

clean your side of the room, leave his stuff, clean your stuff up leave his

if he doesn't learn then dump him

He has been extremely good since our arguement yesturday. I wonder how long it will last.....

He does not think with his willy. he is honestly a nice person, very affectionate, very loving, this is the only thing I would change. he's just an idiot sometimes, as most people are. We all have our faults.

But I have been making a special effort to ask him rather than just doing it myself. He knows I am not happy, but instead of getting angry (like I usually do) I've just been asking nicely and not doing anything for him.

re cooking. We sit at the table as a family and eat together at least one meal a day, usually two, so it's easier for me to just cook for us all. Plus I enjoy it.

The house is oddly tidy today. He took the recycling out, hoovered, put his washing aways and....said I can have a new sofa!!!! I think we should argue more often .

Still, thankyou for opening my eyes. My dad is very much like this and I don't really know what 'normal' is. I feel so much better just for talking to you about it.