Do I need to put up with blatantly disrespectful behaviour from H now we're separated?

[tiredoftherain]

I don't have a clue how to handle this one and manage to stay calm and civil. H and I have been separated since the end of September, he was cheating for some months but claims it was "only" an emotional affair until we split. I know otherwise, and there is no doubt that they are together now.

We've been sharing looking after the dc's at weekends, h isn't around at all during the week due to work. This weekend I have a party invite for dc1, and have asked h to take care of dc2 who isn't invited (although I'm sure they wouldn't mind him going), but more importantly is too young for the party venue. It's a big deal for ds1 as he has mild SN and I'm always happy when he gets invited to parties. I really couldn't cope at the place with both dc's, it would be dangerous to try tbh, and have absolutely nobody else to ask for childcare as all family on both sides are away.

H has said no, the reason being that he's out with OW tonight, and wants a lie in tomorrow morning rather than having to get an early train back from where he's staying. He plans to come back later in the day and take the dc's off for the weekend.

I feel sick to the stomach that this is happening, the children and I are being shafted again and I can't do anything about it. Do I just have to take this treatment now we're separated? There is no appealing to H's conscience, he does what he wants, when he wants. any advice welcome.

No, he has done the dirty, not your problem, I know you are a regular and often give good advice to other people. Time to be strong Tired, you can do it. Don't take any crap.

No advice, but Jeez, ,what a tösser!

Doing it to be spiteful to you, but it´s his sons that suffer!

I´m assuming OW doesn´t have children otherwise she´d surely be kicking himupthe ärse!

Space bar went on strike!

When is he "supposed" to see the boys?

Would this time fall in when he should have them?

You do not take any crap, but I have learnt not to expect them to be helpful in anyway at all.

I have a similar situation this weekend, H meant to be picking the DC up at 5.30 as it is "his weekend" but because DD has a party to go to, he is refusing to pick either child up until 6.45 as he does not want to do any "normal day to day stuff for the DC- just have his special time with them.

He will continue to try and play you as my H is with me. If you stand strong they will hopefully eventually get the message.

My H rang today and asked me to collect something from his dr. I politely told him I was busy running around and looking after his children and if he couldn't do it himself suggested OW might like to be his skivvy from now on.

Sorry for hijack- think tbh they are all in a similar vein, ride high, chat on here and stay strong

OW does have a child. Only a little one like our two. It's such a mess.

Lighthouse, how do I stop him giving me the crap though? He just won't listen to me when I say it's unacceptable behaviour, or that it's affecting the dc's. He clearly has no respect for me, even when I demand it. He doesn't really respect anyone.

There is no way he will be back tomorrow, he'll make an excuse and leave me in the lurch. I have honestly never met anyone like him, where calm discussion seems to work with other people, nothing seems to make an impression on him.

thanks everyone, I wouldn't ever try and "punish" him, or stop him seeing the dc's - he's the sort who would retaliate in kind and it wouldn't be good for anyone. I know I'll need to accept that this is happening, and that it supports my claim that he is indeed a total tosser.

I think I just need to work as quickly as I can to create a life where I don't need to rely on him at all.

I know its tough, but you need to get a written agreement of when he will see/have DC and accept that once that is done those times are all you can expect of him.
You cannot demand or reason with him too help. He is selfish his previous behaviour has shown that and he will not change now.
But if you know that , then you can plan things.
For the party is there anyone else who could mind DC2 for a little while
I DO understand how hard it is but you have to let go of your expectations of him- then he cannot wind you up like this

I am sad to say that my ex is exactly the same, he will not have the children add hoc for any reason, even when my ds is admitted to hospital he is far to busy to come and see him!

Best thing I find is to completely erase him as a potential carer except for the weekends he is supposed to be playing dad.

If you have no expectation of him then life it is a little easier!

thanks norks, I thought my expectations of him were already rock bottom, but he never ceases to surprise me. I seem to do so well for a while and then he manages to totally get to me. I think the time of year doesn't help tbh!

Combination of circumstances mean I am totally stuck for appropriate childcare tomorrow. I think what I will do is attempt to take both dc's (have contacted mum holding party and she's fine with dc2 coming) and explain that we might not be staying very long.

How old are Tired?

the dc's? 2 and 4.

Meant to say they?
I am sure there will be lots of other mums staying who can give you a hand.
I know it is tough when you are exhausted, but believe me if you do get through it and manage, then you will feel so much stronger in yourself with regard to coping alone

I know it is hard when you have no support in looking after your children, I am kind of in that situation where non of my parents or in-laws are able to help out for one reason and another.

Think about the longterm if he starts letting your kids down saying he will be there and is late or doesn't turn up at all. My dad did this to me when my parents broke up and it really hurt.

I think you do need to try and be as resourcefull as possible and not reliant on him but also keep the information as far as possible from your kids until you are sure that he is going to deliver what he promises.

Somethings I don't tell my DD until I am certain that it will happen.

I would take a buggy and lots of snacks for the youngest, other mums will keep an eye while you are with older DS.
You can do it. I believe you are stronger than you think you are

Tired

What is your regular arrangement with your exH for shared childcare at weekends?

You need to get used to the idea that your exH will not be available for babysitting, just as you will not be available for babysitting for him. You need to have a fixed arrangement re the children and to keep to it, whatever else crops up in your diary. Any other way is totally unworkable.

What a cock, exscuse my language.

Agree with Lighthouse in just a few short weeks I have learnt not to tell DC any plans so they cannot be disappionted by their father

My mother lets my daughter down but she doesn't know about it. And I have told her not to tell my DD anything unless she comes to me first

Bonsoir, we don't have a fixed agreement yet but have been doing alternate weekends, or a weekend day each. Until 3 weeks ago we were living together and taking the dc's out together so it's very early days still.

I've contacted my solicitor to ask if this can be put into place asap. Once I move back to my family he will probably only see the dc's for two days a month but there is no way round it unless he makes the effort, and the move is essential for me to get any support at all. Pre split he only saw the dc's at weekends, and then he usually worked one of the weekend days.

I never tell the dc's of plans, I never really have done as he's always been fairly unreliable. I've coped all week with parties and nativities but feel a bit stressed out and overloaded and I think this has just nicely rounded off a week of stress! I'll be fine, it just shocks me that I ever saw anything to love and admire in this man.

Well, at least you are in the process of healing now, in time things will get better, I know it doesn't seem like it now but it will. You will feel a much better person for it in the long run. A fresh start for you think about your kids and you sod him, if he can cheat on you, eventually he will cheat on her when he gets fed up with her (evil cackle)

Good riddance to crap I say.

The path to getting to a workable arrangement is long and arduous and the beginning is always hard.

I actually think it is hard for separated parents to come to terms with the fact that they cannot call on one another for childcare anymore. But, IMVHO, it is unworkable to go down that path.

Wow, this charmer sounds just like my ex, although I'm several years down the line. I do feel for you. It gets easier to deal with, I promise.

My advice would be firstly, as others have suggested get contact formalised asap.

Secondly, Have minimal contac with your XH, and I do mean minimal. Only what you absolutely need to do. Keep it civil (mine is always trying to provoke some sort of reaction, which I refuse to give him). Not that it's easy by any stretch of the imagination,after time passes you sort of become inured to their obnoxiousness and twattery and it ceases to hurt because you don't expect anything else.

Thirdly, do NOT expect or ask any help or favours from him. This gives him leverage to cause upset to you and your DC. Don't be too proud to ask for help from others though. People are kinder than you may think

I understand what you mean about the shock.

For years I fought and railed against my exP not helping out enough or not being flexible. Then I just stopped completely.

I do not expect him to:

1. Have any respect for me
2. Be flexible in any way
3. Be available during emergencies
4. Attend any school plays, parents eve, etc.

My very selfish Exp can only cope with 'his' weekends and nothing I say will change that. I also only communicate via text or email as it avoids any confrontation or bad feeling face to face.

Sad but it works.

Mine is exactly the same, I now don't talk to him at all it is done through third party. He doesn't pay maintenance or help out at all.

I eventually stopped him seeing our dd as he arranged things then didn't turn up (and other issues eg not having correct car seat, not changing / feeding her etc). He then sent me solicitor's letters and we finally agreed contact once every two weeks (he lives 2.5 hours away - he moved not me).

Then he wrote back and said that actually he can only do once every 4 weeks! In reality it is more like once every 6 weeks.

Doesn't attend plays, parent's evenings, doesn't offer to have her in holidays even though he is currently jobless, doesn't have her when she's ill etc etc etc.

Sorry I've turned your thread into a rant. My only advice would be that when you are further down the line you have to just decide that you won't let it bother you. Its easier said than done and at the moment far too raw for you I would imagine. I spent the first 2 years ranting and raving about what a useless tosser my exh was but the only person that effected was me. Now, I try really really hard to never expect anything and therefore he can't 'let me or dd down'.

Doesn't always work but its all you can do for your own sanity.

BTW I've followed your threads before I thought you two were sorting things out, I'm sorry to hear what's happened. x