Where have I gone wrong?

[whispywhisp]

Right, I've just had a good cry....I don't know if I feel any better or not which is why I thought I'd blurb it all out on here and see what others think!

My sister, who is just a bit older than me (I'm 41) decided back in the Summer to cut her ties with me, DH and my two lovely girls.

This was all due to her not liking the fact that I would not get involved with the plans she and our brother and sister-in-law had arranged for our Mum's birthday party...without asking me what I'd like to do to celebrate Mum's 70th birthday they went ahead and booked up at a very plush hotel for a very expensive meal (which I couldn't afford for four), invited a load of Mum's friends (which I'd suggested months ago - and to go to a cheaper pub) and ordered a very nice but very expensive birthday cake for her for which they wanted me to contribute £25. Let me just add that my sister and her husband both have extremely good jobs (both are Managers) and my brother is married to a very wealthy lady....DH and I simply 'get by' with our minute income, in comparison, and yes we are always skint - we both work but compared to them we're pretty poor!

Anyway because they'd all decided what they wanted to do for Mum's birthday, without asking if there was anything I would like to do and with me offering to help organise it all...I decided to excuse us from the party and that we would go and see Mum either before or after her birthday. Neither my brother nor sister liked that and took great offence that I had chosen to step out of the running and let them get on with it.

A few weeks later, after no contact with either of them, my sister decided to text me and cut all her ties with me saying in a text that unless it were an emergency to not get in touch with her ever again....that goes for me, DH and my two kids...one of which is her God-daughter.....I replied saying that if that is what she wants then fine but that is her choice.....I've heard nothing from her since and that was August.

Today I decided to ring my lovely Gran who is almost 98yrs old to thank her for our Xmas card. She told me on the phone to let her know when we would like to visit her over Xmas because she is being taken over to my sisters for the day on Xmas Day, along with my Mum. All this has been arranged by my sister. I rang my Mum to ask her if this was the case to which she replied yes it was and that she would also be at my sister's for the day on Xmas Day.

I don't have a problem with either of them going over to my sister's for the day but do you not think it'd have been nice had it been run past us first considering I have two kids who would've loved to have seen their Gran and Great-Gran on Xmas Day? In years gone by my sister and I have always spoken about who is doing what on Xmas Day...not this year obviously.

To be honest I couldn't give a stuff whether I see anyone on Xmas Day or not....but surely someone could've thought about my kids? I feel so bloody upset/angry/pissed off right now. I cannot understand families at times.

have a lovely family christmas you four.
make plans to see other family when mutually convenient.

i would be upset too if my sis and her family didnt come to our mums 70th.
did you appologise to your mum (who ended up having her party tarnished by your absence)

clearly a communication breakdown in the first place, ending up with you outstropping each other.

you both need to appologise, you first cos shes older and try and mend this before any more damage is done.

if you are not ready yet, do nothing, but dont say anything to make it worse!

it was your mum's 70th...you could have gone along after the meal if meal was too expensive...

£25 sounds cheap as contribution for a very special cake...

clearly more going on here

but just take it easy at xmas your kids wont take note if they see relatives on xmas day or boxing day

I spoke to my Mum after her birthday. I asked her if she had a nice time, which she did. I asked if she'd even noticed we weren't there and her reply was...'oh, I didn't realise you weren't there'. So her party wasn't tarnished by us not being there.

£25 towards a birthday cake is alot of money for us.

I am one of three. I have always been the one who was overlooked, even as a child. My brother is younger than me. He is and always has been the absolute apple of my Mum's eye. He can do no wrong. She absolutely idolises him. I don't have a problem with this at all but I daren't even utter one word of criticism about him because I will be shot down.

My sister is the elder one. She is very head-strong, very opinionated and I have always been told what to do and here I am, in my 40s, and still being told what to do!

There is no more to this other than my Dad died 4yrs ago - I tried desperately to help organise his funeral - I wanted to be a part of the plans/music/hymns etc etc....his funeral was 2wks after he died - I spent those two weeks going over to see Mum and trying to be a part of what was going on/decisions being made...in the end I walked away - my brother and sister had gone and organised everything - I begged them to let me be a part of this because he was my Dad too and all I got was the cold shoulder.

How would my sister like it had I organised Christmas Day without running it past her first? Especially as I'm the one with the children in the family - her son is 17yrs old - mine are 5 and 10 and would've loved to have seen their Gran and Great-Gran on Xmas Day. My sister would've been livid and I'd never have heard the last of it. Me? I just walk away, like I always do.

It doesn't matter. I'm clearly a crap daughter and sister. I'll just concentrate on continuing to be a good Mum and Wife instead.

With reference to my Dad's passing and funeral....all this with Mum's party was like deja-vu for me. Two's company, three's a crowd etc.

motherlovebone...why do I need to apologise? What for exactly? ...and why on earth me first? I can't see what I've done wrong! I'm not the one who has told her sister she wants no more to do with her and her family? All I did was excuse us from a party we couldn't afford!

Aww whispy. I really feel for you. I'm one of 3 (the eldest) but feel my younger sister is the bolshy stroppy one. i try and keep my head down with her.

Surely you discussed Christmas with your mum earlier in the year so you've had a chance to organise something with her independently of your sister?

Can you pop over to your mum's before she goes to your sister's. If your sister has a big kid could they do a Christmas dinner so you can see mum and nan first. If you're not feeling brave enough to talk to your sister could your mum mention it?

Well, your sister has cut contact, so why would she ask/tell you about Christmas Day?

I partly understand how you feel, but I wonder how your Mum felt when you weren´t there for her birthday celebration.

you dont deserve more/special consideration because you have children.
excusing yourself was not all you did and you know it!
i would apologise to make peace for peace sake.
what would you think/say if this were your daughters?
whose side would you take?
for what its worth, my family set up is the same as yours, me 2 children, a sister i hardly talk to (not for the want of trying) a blue eyed soldier brother.
they are up each others arses and i shrug it off because thats life!

actually,from another point of view,maybe your mum and gran simply prefer a quiet day...no offence here....but its down to what they want too,not just what your kids want. maybe?

Whispy I've got the same set up as you sibling-wise, and yes I'm the over-looked one too. But there comes a point when you have to just put it to one side.

Your mother said she hadn't noticed you weren't there! Of course she noticed, she was just being a bit of a martyr about it all.

Your sister was wrong not to discuss costs with you before hand, but your reaction was very wrong too.

Your sister does have a child, 17 years old is still a child. He has a right to see your mum and Gran too.

It all sounds unbelievably petty to me.

And I know it hurts being the one left out, who has to struggle, but you can't let that rule your actions. You didn't see your mum on her 70th because you were annoyed with your sister. You punished your mum.

Of course she knew you weren't there... of course she did.

whispywhisp,

I do feel for you and your siblings could have been far more understanding. I think though you were perhaps treated in a similar manner by both of them when children so they were not now capable of doing such a thing.

There is dysfunction here within that particular family unit; you have the bossy and super responsible one (usually the eldest child but not always), the golden child (your brother) and you in the middle, the scapegoat. People from dysfunctional families end up playing out roles.

Is your Mum aware of what your eldest sister has done re cutting ties with you?.

My guess is that you've always been the scapegoat in this particular family. Did your Mum and Dad treat you too as the family scapegoat; they seemingly did nothing to stop the other two.

With reference to your comment:-
"It doesn't matter. I'm clearly a crap daughter and sister".

YES it does matter the way they have dealt with you like this and NO you're not crap, you have taken the bashwash of their own problems. I think this is a very longstanding problem likely going back to your own childhoods.

"I'll just concentrate on continuing to be a good Mum and Wife instead"

Too right!.

diddl...like I've already mentioned...she didn't notice we weren't there...she wasn't, tbh, interested as to why we weren't there...which clearly shows how much she thinks of us! The whole thing was a surprise for her and I think she was quite overwhelmed with it all, hence why she didn't miss us. I don't have a problem with her not noticing the fact we weren't there and obviously I am pleased she had such a lovely time. And, yes, I see your point as to why my sister wouldn't mention Xmas to me if she's cut her ties with us....so yes I guess I need to accept that but I was hoping she would atleast just give me a chance to organise something for my kids to see their Gran and like I've already said had I gone and planned it all without talking to her first, even if I'd cut my ties with her, she'd have something to say about it and it wouldn't have been pretty!..iykwim!

My Mum absolutely despises Christmas - My Dad was the one to enjoy it...my Mum, when we were kids, was always threatening to cancel Xmas and this is why I never talk to her about Xmas until nearer the time..there is no point in talking to her or trying to organise anything prior to December...she just isn't interested which is why I've not arranged anything until now. I am surprised she's even agreed to going over to my sister's on Xmas Day already and we're only mid way thru December...but I suspect it is because my sister was wanting to organise something now before I even had a chance to breathe.

Sorry whispy, but from here it sounds like you really hurt your mum's feelings and showed her how little you think of her

Attilla...no, my Mum wasn't aware of my sister cutting her ties with me back in the Summer...but she is now. I don't drag my Mum into disputes between me and my siblings because it isn't fair to do so plus she doesn't need the worry of it all....but I told her today because she could tell I was angry/upset on the phone this morning...and her response?...nothing.

...and to add to that Attilla...had that been me cutting my ties with my sister I'd have been told to sort it out....but with it being my sister cutting her ties with me = nothing. As predicted hence why I said nothing when it happened. No point.

You cant claim to have more rights to who sees whom on Christmas Day simply because you feel your childrens ages make them more deserving.

And yes I had a crap childhood. Yes I was the ugly duckling, so to speak. I was never listened to. I was rarely spoken to. My sister was the bolshy one and still is. She likes to organise everyone and if you don't fall in with what she wants she lets it be known.

When we were kids she had everything new. My brother got everything new. Me? I got the hand-me-downs, second hand, jumble etc etc. My brother had a lovely bedroom. My sister had a really pretty room at the back of the house. Me? I slept in a stock-room full of boxes - my parents had their own shop. I spent many hours on my own. If an argument started between us it was me who got the blame. I saw my brother nicking money out of the cash-till once. I told my parents and was told off for tom-titting! Yes I had a shit time but I've tried my hardest to put it all behind me. I'm a Wife to a wonderful bloke - married almost 20yrs. I have two beautiful lovely girls. I try my hardest to do what's right its just that at times like this I feel so lonely cos my 'other' part of my family are being so bloody pathetic and I do what I do best...walk away.

trifle...I didn't say that I did...all I was trying to say was it would've been nice had my kids been thought about and given regard to, that's all.

how about boxing day or new year?

"Attilla...no, my Mum wasn't aware of my sister cutting her ties with me back in the Summer...but she is now. I don't drag my Mum into disputes between me and my siblings because it isn't fair to do so plus she doesn't need the worry of it all....but I told her today because she could tell I was angry/upset on the phone this morning...and her response?...nothing"

I am wondering if either of your parents were actually aware of any real tensions between you all as siblings when growing up.

I am not unfortunately surprised by your Mum's response; it just seems uncaring to me (its the sort of thing my own MIL would do i.e nothing). This to me anyway just further indicates the underlying dysfunction within your own family unit. The three of you siblings have been profoundly affected in different ways. You became and are the scapegoat for their ills. I bet as well that you are bloody caring and perhaps the most emotionally honest one out of the three of you siblings. They feel very threatened indeed by you.

Hmmm...

Sorry to be so harsh but there seems to be a lot of very moral-high-ground-high-dudgeon stropping going on here - on both sides.

I agree that it's a little unfair for your sister to organise things you can't afford but I'd have been furious at my sister, too, for bailing on my Mum's birthday.

Did you ever explain that you couldn't afford it? What did they say to that? Was there any discussion of you joining them earlier or later or whatever or contributing to organising in another way?

I'm asking because I'm wondering if there might not be a bit of high-emotion crossed wires in the original bust up. I'm sure it wasn't the case, but there's a subtext in your post that suggests you thought your sister had stolen your ideas (inviting mum's friends etc) but pooh-poohed your choice of venue because it wasn't good enough for her, which lead to you not helping at all.

Your sister, on the other hand, might be thinking that you not helping and not turning up constitutes a teddy-out-of-pram moment on your behalf and has, in a fit of temper, sent you a daft test to which you've replied very coldly.

I do think you should have contributed to the cake, if nothing else, unless you absolutely had no money at all. £75 pounds for a special cake, especially if it's been made to feed a largish group of people, is really not all that expensive.

With regards to Christmas - had you contacted your Mum and your Grandma before now to organise Christmas? Knowing that your sister isn't speaking to you, you shouldn't really have expected her to call you to clear plans with you (esp if she does think you were being a madam about the party, iyswim) as she has in previous year's.

If you haven't said anything to them, I can see why they might have just assumed you weren't planning anything and gone ahead with other things accordingly. Given your grandmother's age and what have you, a bit of forward planning is not unpredictable.

Do your siblings have kids, btw? Christmas means different things to people pre and post children.

Unless you really never want to heal this rift in the family, I'd take Christmas as a chance to start rebuilding bridges. Even something as simple as a text message saying 'Happy Christmas, big sister, lots of love' could be a good start.

Or, I'm completely off-base, your sister is a cow, and you need to just have a fab Xmas with your kids and go and have a second one with your mum etc on Boxing Day.

I'm sorry but I agree with others who say your mum definitely noticed you weren't there.

I honsestly can't believe she wouldn't notice- even if she favours the others she would still have known you weren't there and unless she's not human it probably did hurt her a bit.

I also find it hard to believe that you would opt out of all plans for your mum's 70th- surely you knew it was coming up and could've saved a wee bit of money. Esp £25 for the cake? We are pretty skint so I know how it can be.

I also think you both need to apologise to each other and stop trying to get one up on each other the whole time.

whispy you sound very defensive. Your childhood sounds incredibly similar to mine, bullied and a nobody and second in everything. But there comes a point where you either stay stuck as the ugly duckling or you say, "Fuck it, I'm going to be a swan"

You still sound so hurt by the past. I am sometimes, but mostly I think that it's what made me me.

It's time to let it go. You need to stand up for yourself, calmly and accept that they may not do what you want them to do, but that you will do the right thing by your family.

I understand the pain. I really do.

Am not surprised either to read your post of 14.57. I had guessed that there was far more to it and I almost knew in advance what it was going to say.

Whilst that thread is mainly about "toxic parents" I would urge you to post on the "Stately Homes" thread that is on this relationship page. Some of those women on there could certainly relate with regards to your overall emotional neglect and poor treatment from other siblings.

Okay... massively cross-posted. That's what you get from trying to MN from the office.