Where have I gone wrong?

[whispywhisp]

Right, I've just had a good cry....I don't know if I feel any better or not which is why I thought I'd blurb it all out on here and see what others think!

My sister, who is just a bit older than me (I'm 41) decided back in the Summer to cut her ties with me, DH and my two lovely girls.

This was all due to her not liking the fact that I would not get involved with the plans she and our brother and sister-in-law had arranged for our Mum's birthday party...without asking me what I'd like to do to celebrate Mum's 70th birthday they went ahead and booked up at a very plush hotel for a very expensive meal (which I couldn't afford for four), invited a load of Mum's friends (which I'd suggested months ago - and to go to a cheaper pub) and ordered a very nice but very expensive birthday cake for her for which they wanted me to contribute £25. Let me just add that my sister and her husband both have extremely good jobs (both are Managers) and my brother is married to a very wealthy lady....DH and I simply 'get by' with our minute income, in comparison, and yes we are always skint - we both work but compared to them we're pretty poor!

Anyway because they'd all decided what they wanted to do for Mum's birthday, without asking if there was anything I would like to do and with me offering to help organise it all...I decided to excuse us from the party and that we would go and see Mum either before or after her birthday. Neither my brother nor sister liked that and took great offence that I had chosen to step out of the running and let them get on with it.

A few weeks later, after no contact with either of them, my sister decided to text me and cut all her ties with me saying in a text that unless it were an emergency to not get in touch with her ever again....that goes for me, DH and my two kids...one of which is her God-daughter.....I replied saying that if that is what she wants then fine but that is her choice.....I've heard nothing from her since and that was August.

Today I decided to ring my lovely Gran who is almost 98yrs old to thank her for our Xmas card. She told me on the phone to let her know when we would like to visit her over Xmas because she is being taken over to my sisters for the day on Xmas Day, along with my Mum. All this has been arranged by my sister. I rang my Mum to ask her if this was the case to which she replied yes it was and that she would also be at my sister's for the day on Xmas Day.

I don't have a problem with either of them going over to my sister's for the day but do you not think it'd have been nice had it been run past us first considering I have two kids who would've loved to have seen their Gran and Great-Gran on Xmas Day? In years gone by my sister and I have always spoken about who is doing what on Xmas Day...not this year obviously.

To be honest I couldn't give a stuff whether I see anyone on Xmas Day or not....but surely someone could've thought about my kids? I feel so bloody upset/angry/pissed off right now. I cannot understand families at times.

I think you have done nothing wrong and that you have been entirely scapegoated by them your entire life.

Drop them, they don't love you the way they are supposed to.

Concentrate on your own lovely family - I'm so glad you have a husband who loves you.

Oh dear. I guess this boils down to whether it's more important for you to be "right" (although IMVHO, I would have been very upset at you too, and I think your sister has reasonable issues about this) or is it more important for you to be "happy"?

Because right now, I don't think you're either.

sorry

No I don't think my parents were really aware of tensions between us as kids. That was until about a month before my Dad died when he suddenly became very close to me and kept telling me how much my kids meant to him and he even told his neighbour how much I'd done to help him after he'd had a car crash just a few weeks before he died and that I was the one of the three with the warmest kindest heart....something that completely blew me away when they told me after he'd died. Perhaps he suddenly realised that I did exist and yes when either he or Mum needed help I was the one who stepped in which has so often been the case over the years.

You lot must be made of money then cos I certainly couldn't afford £25 for a cake plus roughly about £80 for a four course meal for four? That's over £100 from our measley income?

Instead I bought Mum a lovely bunch of flowers, a vase and I even went and put flowers on my Dad's grave....and my kids made cards for her...she loved that.

Did I ever explain we couldn't afford to go? Yes, I did, many times - I like to be honest and that was my reason for not going. I had DH telling me we couldn't afford to go too.

Do my siblings have children too? Only my sister who has a son of 17yrs old.

Yes I probably will go and see my Mum and Gran either side of Xmas Day. That's all I can do. Never mind.

Do you know what? Did they miss us at Mum's party? No, of course they didn't - if she is a Mum that cares for all 3 of her kids, equally, which she should do, she would've rung the following day to make sure we were all ok....I'm bloody sure I would've done had one of my kids not come to a party organised for me. I'd have been so worried about her and her family.

We're all different but I'm learning a huge lesson in all this...I'm going to be the Mum to my kids that my Mum wasn't to me and still isn't to me....and I'm going to make sure that if I get wind of my two daughters having problems between themselves that I will try my level best to help them out and listen...yes LISTEN to both sides....

whispy stop it!

You need to calm down. Take a deep breath.

You are a worthwhile person with a lovely, loving DH and two beautiful daughters.

You are blowing this out of all proportion.

If your mum was hurt, and I imagine someone told her you weren't coming so she didn't worry, then she wouldn't have called. She'd have waited for you to call and apologise.

Yes it was a lot of money, but you could have met them after the meal? Or did I miss you saying that you did?

Calm down. Step back from it all.

Have you thought about seeing a counsellor to deal with your past? It might help you feel stronger in yourself.

Hoep you're ok.

As I said, crossposted, and I apologise if any of the comments I made came across unnecessarily harsh in light of that.

I was trying to gather more information and the thread hadn't moved on to where you said your sister had children.

I agree that there should have been more consideration of your financial circumstances and that you shouldn't have been put into a position where you had to fork out for a meal you couldn't enjoy and which was probably unsuited to your young children. It wasn't fair for your sister to expect that.

I also agree that you got short-shrift as a child, but some of the hand-me-downs issue etc was probably inevitable and I highly doubt was done maliciously by your parents. Your sister got new things because she was the eldest; your brother because he was the only boy. Do you not pass clothes and things down from one child to another?

If your sister's a bitch, drop her and concentrate on your own family, your mum and Gran. You can see them before or after they go to your sisters. And you can say, now, that you want them for Christmas next year, and keep saying it intermittently from now on. Make it clear that your mum is coming to yours for Xmas next year and stick to your guns!

Whispy I do not think you are blowing this out of proportion at all.

I can sympathise with you for two reasons

1. The only meal out we can afford out as a family of 4 is a McDonalds on a rare occasion as a treat. We certainly wouldn't be able to afford the £25 towards a cake let alone £80 for a meal. So I'm with you on that one and those people who are saying that you should have gone or made an effort obviously don't struggle for money so therefore don't understand.

2. I have 2 brothers one older, one younger. I too feel overlooked and the scapegoat in our family, although perhaps not to the same degree that you do.

My older brother has 4 DC's (that we know of) by 3 different women and has been divorced twice. He is a serial cheat and a compulsive liar yet still his SHT seems to smell of roses. My younger brother is 11 years younger than I and is a waster with no job, lives at home, takes drugs, has been physically violent to my mother and calls my parents all the names under the sun yet he is the blue eyed boy and they pay for this that and everything for him and don't bat an eyelid at him swearing at them. I however, once as a teenager told my dad to Pss Off to which he followed me up to my bedroom, threw me across the room and slapped me down when I tried to get up. My dad didn't do a single thing when B was violent towards my mum!

As for the Christmas thing, invite your mum and Gran over for boxing day and try not to let it ruin your Christmas.

Whispy,

I also think you are not blowing this problem out of all proportion; this is actually the culmination of a long line of difficulties between siblings that started in childhood. Your parents were both culpable here in fuelling the sibling rivalry; they failed you all actually and certainly did nothing to prevent the others turning on you.

You were emotionally neglected as a child, you were (and are) the scapegoat for this emotionally deficient family unit's ills.

"A few weeks later, after no contact with either of them, my sister decided to text me and cut all her ties with me saying in a text that unless it were an emergency to not get in touch with her ever again....that goes for me, DH and my two kids...one of which is her God-daughter.....I replied saying that if that is what she wants then fine but that is her choice.....I've heard nothing from her since and that was August"

this is just horrible.

I say try to make the most of your relationship with your mum and your mum's relationship with your children if you want one, and just let your sister ge on with things.

Don't let your sister ruin any relationship you want to have with your mum and try not to involve your sister in point scoring with your sister.

Or - if it's really your mum who is the issue then maybe distance yourself from her a bit, particularly if you think she is using you to point score.

Sounds to me though that your poor mum is caught up in a load of stuff she probably doesn't want to be caught up in.

Whispy

I would argue that both your parents have been the fundamental cause of all the problems that you three siblings have between each other.

Do have a look at the "Stately Homes" thread and post on it as well. They are a friendly bunch and some of the posters on there have also had similar problems with siblings.

Hi all and thanks for all your posts.

I do read and take in everything you all write.

My DH has rung me twice this aftn to make sure I'm ok cos he could tell, when I rang him, how pissed off I was/upset. Bless him - he does take the brunt of these things at times.

It's hard to explain really what sort of a childhood I had...and in answer to ginnybag ... re the handing down of clothes between my two girls....yes I do with some bits but not all - I lived in my sister's worn out clothes - even shoes with split heels/worn out stitching/even holes...and I hated it and got picked on heavily at school for it...I do try to buy different bits for DD2 and I do buy a lot of their stuff from eBay because it is cheaper. I refuse to put DD2 into everything that belonged to DD1 - its not fair on DD2 and by the time DD1's clothes are able to be worn by DD2 they're worn out anyway.

Anyway, yes thinking back 30+ years I craved for my Mum and Dad's attention, and rarely got it. I can remember sitting at the tea table and just eating my tea, listening, because no-one would talk to me. On the one time when I said something and they all stopped talking to listen to me I couldn't believe it! I can remember thinking 'wow, they're listening to me!'. Stupid really but that's how it was.

It is like that now. If ever, in the past, we have all got together you can guarantee I would sit there and just listen...both my brother and sister are loud people, always have a lot to say - they are very close and both have a lot in common. I have tried, MANY times to be a part of a conversation but because I'm not like them - I don't drink much (they do), I don't have their huge incomes, big houses, holidays abroad, the latest in computer, phone, tv, car etc etc...I'm just me...the one who is always skint, the one who just gets by, the one who doesn't replace something until its broken/worn out and the one who simply could never afford nor justify spending the value of a week's shop on a meal...and mampam going out for a McDonalds is as much as we could ever afford to 'eat out'. They both knew we couldn't afford the meal - I told them that at the beginning of the year - I even suggested a different pub which was more like a bar meal but my brother said that wasn't good enough.

My Mum didn't miss us at that meal. I believe her too. We've always been at the bottom of her list of family - I can remember, about 2yrs ago, when DD1 got rushed into hospital after collapsing at home...I rang Mum from the Children's Ward so she knew where we were etc etc...we spent two nights in hospital with DD1....I thought she might've rung whilst we were away and leave a message...nothing. I left it for about 3 days and rung her....her reasons for not ringing was....'no news is good news'. Says it all really.

So what do you want to happen? If they really are that difficult then aren't you better off without them in your life? Just don't engage with the drama. Your Mum and Gran going to theirs on Christmas Day? Have another Christmas Day on Boxing Day or whatever.

To be honest you don't sound like you like them very much either.

Just let it and them go and move on.

So what do I want to happen? I just want to get on with my life I guess. It just would've been nice if she had considered me and my family, that's all. But I guess, if she has cut her ties with me she's not going to do that. I'm not going to let any of this get to me - I can't - for the sake of my DH and DDs. I know that. It's just sometimes I get so upset/fed up/depressed and, yes, lonely that it all gets the better of me.

Both siblings knew Whispy couldn't afford to go to the expensive place but went ahead and booked it, knowing that this would exclude her - not nice. This was after a childhood of being excluded by them. They could have agreed on a cheaper place or if they thought that wasn't good enough they could have helped Whispy by paying for some of her costs.

The sister has now excluded Whispy (and her children) from seeing her relatives on Christmas day as well by arranging to have everyone at her house when she knows Whispy can't go because the sister has cut contact with her.

Someone said that next year Whispy should say it is her 'turn' to see her mother and this seems fair I think.

The sister was cross about Whispy missing her mother's birthday meal but is this a good enough reason to say she wants to cut contact? If she cared about her enough wouldn't she try to talk about it and get it sorted out instead?

whispywhisp - I have watched my father go through exactly what you describe all my life. He is 66 now and it still has not stopped. His sister is the bossy mouthy pushy one who married a rich bloke. His brother the apple of his mother's eye and inherited the entirity of his father's estate (a large farm) while my Dad got nothing.

My Dad had no part in the funeral of his mother, he got none of her belongings. He does not even have a photo or a memento. All the effects were taken by his siblings.

My Dad started with nothing and slaved away all his life and is now comfortably off and his sister and brother are now both sick and bankrupt. He has barely spoken to either of them for 30 years and has been happier because of it.

Focus on your DH and your DCs. Have a good relationship with your mother, the way you want, and forget your siblings. That sounds harsh but watching my Dad live with this I say it will not get better. You need to focus on your family and your happiness.

whispywhisp - your family is dysfunctional and unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) because you have more sensitivity and emotional intelligence, you notice it.

Please ignore the posters who are telling you that you are over reacting. They are usually people with no idea of what it is like to be brought up in a dysfunctional family. Like Atilla, I suggest you come over to the stately homes thread.

If I was in your mother's situation I would not have felt comfortable having such a party without all my children there (unless it was for a very good reason). I would have insisted the party was somewhere cheaper or paid for you myself. I would have noticed.

I think you are starting to realise all is not right, and I suggest you talk and read about this as much as you can. It can be painful to realise that you are never going to change your family, that maybe they are damaged in some way and thus neglected you emotionally. However it can also be liberating and allows you to concentrate on your own family and stop the cycle of dysfunction repeating. You maybe on the start of a long, painful and revealing journey but it can be worth it

roseability - thank you.

You are right. With the family that I have it has made me quite a sensitive person especially towards other people's feelings. I have always put other people first and have always listened to both sides of a story before giving my own opinion, if at all. Sometimes I find its better to keep my opinion to myself for fear of upsetting anyone - I do this because I have been on the receiving end, so many times, from my opinionated sister and brother who give absolutely no regard to how their comments can upset/anger others.

I have also learnt, over the years, to become a loving, caring, compassionate Mum who will always listen to her kids - my eldest DD is a very hormonal 10, almost 11, year old and I have spent many an hour talking to her ramble on about this and that at school (she had to move schools due to bullying).....and has been a very poorly child....I have always said and will always be the Mum that my Mum wasn't to me.

My Mum and Dad led very separate lives - they had separate bedrooms - their own lounge/tv etc etc...there was no love between them. My Mum had no patience for my Dad. She was always very abrupt with him and it was not a loving relationship. I have also learnt, through this, that I will always be there for my DH...whenever he's been ill I've nursed him, whenever he's had a problem at work or with his own family I've sat and listened.

It's as if having such a crap relationship with my own parents (although my Dad was lovely towards me) and siblings that I have learnt, the hard way, never to be like them and I've got to learn to shut them out if I'm to carry on being the person that I am.

Whispywhisp I can very much relate to your posts.
A very similar thing happened to me this year over my father's 70 th birthday. It was over his present which I had been led to believe was a join t present but actually turned out to be a very expensive present from my rich siblings and I could donate but they were not really bothered. I was almost left without a present to bring as result, becuase they left me out of all the plans.

It is all about them, showing off, showing the scapegoat up, trying to get approval. I too have a golden boy brother and a beautiful high achieveing sister.

Whatever you do/don't do it will be your fault.The thing is, to people on the outside it looks like petty squabbles, but those who have suffered the experience of a very dysfunctional family know that everything is loaded.

My sister 'cuts me off' regularly-often just becuase I didn't get to the phone in time.I am left with the most delightful messages from her. I am at the point now that I have quite a serious phobia of the telephone.

As Rose has said, you are the one blessed with the insight to step out of this cycle- Take heart. x

Thank you Pinky.

I had a really long chat with DH last night. He basically said 'what will be, will be' and to put the time and effort I have put into trying to make 'happy family' with my brother and sister into my own little family...ie DH and our children. I agree with him completely.

I also agree with what you said Pinky re those looking from the outside who see this as just a family petty squabble. It isn't like that at all...and I'm glad you can see this too. This has gone on for years. My sister resented me from the day I was born. I can remember as far back as when I was about 3yrs old with her holding a pillow over my head and my Mum running in to pull it away. My sister would only have been about 7yrs old at the time. There's always been a case of one-upmanship with both her and my brother. They always talk about what holiday they have just booked and compare how much it costs...everything with them both revolves around money. Me? I end up going camping down to Devon! That's as much as we can afford.

I've always felt I was the odd one out and even now I feel that way. I'm sure being the middle child of three you can so easily be overlooked especially when the eldest child is the same sex and the younger is the opposite sex.

Anyway life goes on. I had an awful day yesterday. I dwelled on it all far too much. I'm going to keep on the Stately Homes thread. xx