words in Lonely hearts columns that put you off.

[2rebecca]

Reading the Lonely hearts column whilst eating dinner (bloke out and I'm one of those antisocial people who loves to eat and read, and drink)
it struck me there were definite word phrases that shrieked "no, avoid like the plague" when reading them.

Examples are "tactile" man seeks... Do some women like men who can't stop groping?

"hurt in past" why would any bloke think this was unusual or a selling point? Masochists who like moany men only need apply.

"likes animals"....the mind boggles

"seeks caring and understanding woman" sounds like he needs a therapist not an equal partner.

"seeks 5ft 2 in woman" ????

You do wonder when you only have a few sentences to sell yourself in why some folk put such strange stuff in.

I can see why speed dating and online dating have taken over.

Lovely dig at single women there McQueen.

Because anyone who isn't happily married is either a minger or a bitch. Nice. Throwback.

What HB said!!

Hobbies: Walking on the beach at sunset, watching films and going to restaurants. Fuck me, we've got an original here! I'm waiting to see the man who "detests long walks on the beach".

LeQueen Furthermore, said woman will be seeking some dweeb who doesn't want to "time-waste" and is distinctly "average" looking himself!

exexpat Wouldn't put me off - I'd think "great, he's commited to his kids and feels a responsibility towards his offspring".

Also think it's weird that someone said "likes animals" would put them off. It's one of my number 1 non-negotiables!

Skihorse - responsibility and commitment to kids would be great; dressing up in superhero costumes and climbing onto roofs possibly less so. And I would suspect (rightly or wrongly) that conversations might tend towards bitterness about his ex... But I've never actually met any fathers for justice activists, so would be happy to be proved wrong.

exexpat Aaah, I did not consider the bitter convos... but ime 90% of men over the age of 35 do those anyway! As for the Superhero costumes - perhaps you just need to find a way to work it in to your life together?

"open minded" = into auto erotic asphyxiation but trusts you to reinstate the library steps just as he is about to pass out.

"sincere" = wet blanket.

"discerning" = not one of his girlfriends has been suitable as far as his mother is concerned.

GSOH = repeats lines from Monty Python, verbatim.

LeQueen

I'm beautiful and I have a wonderful personality but I have been single for years!

I am also very modest!

Have to agree with the 'likes animals'.
I mean why mention it?
Is there actually anyone out there who 'doesn't like animals'?!

One that always annoys me is:
'single mums welcome' - sounds like they should be grateful for the 'opportunity'!

According to Guy Browning:

Friendship maybe more = sex if I fancy you

Country walks = sex in a haystack

Romance = sex after dinner

Conversation = sex on the sofa

Travel = sex on a ferry

Laughter = sex after joke

Long evenings in = sex after sex

Long-term relationship = sex after you've met my parents and established a rapport with my four children

The best/funniest I ever read was (hundred percent genuine) in my local paper.

In the Ladies seeking Ladies section

it ended as follows

....seeks girl of similar age for eating out and cinema trips.

"Likes the simple things in life" - tight as a knat's chuff

"Seeks mature, loving older woman" - "Oh mummy, why did you have another baby?"

"SEeking open minded female" - you'll wake up in the morning with a chloroform headache, vacuum packed with a full portion of cocktail olives shooting out of your backside.

"Save the Coypu" post going in my list of personal favourites.

Our freeads paper is always good for a chuckle on the lonely hearts page, my favourite being :

"John, 23, honest but selfish, seeks woman for strings free sex and ironing afterwards."

I'd like to think that was serious.

Saw on the other day where the bloke was asking for a slim/skinny petite curvy female. Make your mind up mate.

And the ones that ask for 'open-mined' females makes my mind boggle

30 something = 50 something
Enjoys pubbing & clubbing = Alcoholic
Curvy = fat
Cuddly = fat
(I'm fat so I'm allowed )
great personality = face like a bulldog sucking piss off a nettle

" In desperate need of affection, sympathy and support, can you help ?"

My exs online dating profile, seriously !