Crush on dd's teacher making me feel sad

[arabella2]

Had this crush for ages now as he was dd1's teacher two years ago. Then last year did not really see him as no one in his class - this year dd2 is with him. Knowing I am going to see him if only briefly and without talking kind of "gets me through the day" - sounds pathetic I know. Have got three kids who are 3, 5 and 8 years old. Next year dd2 goes to reception. Dh and I are not really "in relationship" apart from looking after the kids and talking about them. If we were without kids I would definitely move on and without any bad feelings as I think we have run our course. Lots of things about dh annoy me including some of his behaviour. Some things are ok and he loves the kids to bits - there is no affection between us however or any fun or laughter. Just things which need to be done or that I haven't done - he is a very blaming character. I am messy and he really hates this. On Thursday had parent teacher meeting about dd2 with said teacher and both that day and the following day (teacher) was so smiley, kind and friendly plus making eye contact (which is normal in any conversation I know) and I felt so happy and warm that it made me feel really sad and angry about feeling kind of "dead" for so long. Anyway teacher is married - just a kind person who is good at making kids and adults feel good about themselves as he is accepting and kind as well as funny as well as having beautiful perceptive eyes. Not really any point in writing any of this I know as the thought of getting divorced and being away from the kids some of the time is truly terrible. I am 40 now and I suppose I know myself better and I don't want to be with someone who is often rude and dismissive (dh) for the next 30 odd years. I might never meet anyone else it is true but even on my own I could have a happier more exciting life I think. However this is not an option so how to accept things and be happy???

This crush is a replacement for your self esteem and confidence which have done a runner.

Can you make some steps toward finding them again and perhaps moving on to a DH-free life where available men who make you feel good about yourself and who make your children feel loved and who have beautiful eyes are there for the taking because you are free?

This isn't really about him - it's about the fact that you can see the massive difference between your relationship with your husband and what even a normal friendly conversation with another human being can be like.

Do you think there is anything left of your relationship worth trying to make a fight for? If so, then get yourselves to Relate or whatever and try to find something worth the effort.

If not, then I think you really have to think about whether separation would be worse than spending the next 15 years (or whatever) in a loveless relationship. And whether you want your children to grow up believeing it's normal to spend your life with someone you barely even like.

But I do have plenty of normal friendly conversations with my girlfriends - I suppose it's that fact that not only was it normal and friendly but on top of it I also find him attractive and I suppose the last person I felt like that about was dh, except this person seems to be a lot more open (of course you never know). Dh and I are ok during the week but weekends are hard especially sundays for some reason. He would never go to relate, he just wants me to sort out the messy bits of the house. I suppose I am bored - he is a workaholic and there are and have been for a long time, money problems. Anyway I suppose the hardest thing is that he is unbelievably affectionate to the kids but not to me. Yes divorce would be awful can't really think of doing anything that nasty to the kids. Yes they are growing up without seeing a huge amount of affection between their parents but even if we were to split up, who's to say that either of us would meet a new person with whom to model a better relationship? I think I can make things easier with a tidy house and hopefully find fulfillment elsewhere (I don't mean adultery, I mean work if I can find any next year, friends, whatever)

Do you know that about divorce, do you?

It isn't a Good Thing for sure but neither is what you are doing. Most experts would probably describe your marital situation as more damaging than divorce I'm sorry to say.

I don't mean that people who get divorced are being nasty, but in my case I can live like this, it's just not terribly fulfilling. Of course if things got too awful I would have to think of separating.

you are setting an example though - do you see?

I know everyone thinks the DC don't notice subtle disquiet and unhappiness, but they do.

"Yes divorce would be awful can't really think of doing anything that nasty to the kids"
Wow I was feeling quite sorry for you now, but I personally find that massively insulting, as if I got divorced just to hurt my children, even if thats not exactly what you meant, I suspect thats what you believe!

Not very mature, but go on playing the martyr for the next 20-30 years, I am sure your DC will be ever so grateful you "stayed for them"

Why don't you tidy your house and see whether you don't start feeling better about yourself? Living in a mess isn't good for you, let alone for your relationship with your DH (why should he tolerate your mess?).

I never never said that people who get divorced are doing it to hurt their kids. I repeat, in my case it is not completely necessary so it would be kind of selfish. If I were more unhappy than I would be divorced which must be very traumatic, then I would go ahead. I don't think I can write on a site where people go on the attack where there is no need. In MY CASE it would be a nasty thing to do because I CAN live like this. My post was more about ways of feeling happier in general. For centuries kids have survived with parents who were not always right for each other, and in our case we are both very kind to them so even though they won't have the perfect relationship modelled for them, they will still be extremely loved so yes, not everything is perfect for them but they are happy.

Yes bonsoir, you are right and I will do that - thanks.

i agree

fair enough but you are modelling subservience along with tolerance, unhappiness along with acceptance, yearning and lusting along with self sacrifice.

You are not in any way considering the possibility that happiness for you...for all of you is possible any other way and yet you are getting all het up about your child's teacher and stating that you will martyr yourself for the sake of this ideal which i have yet to fathom why it has become so

I suppose just because this is our home together and to separate the kids from either one of us for any period of time and from the home (not to mention to separate me from the home as it is dh's house) seems like an impossible and very scary thing to do which I may afterwards regret. I suppose the unknown. Partly I am bored I think, and I can probably do a lot to remedy that by myself without leaving dh.

Divorce is indeed truly horrible, and the worst decision financially as well.
(I took your comment as it was intended, btw).
I would explore all avenues (relate, getting a hobby/career change/starting own business) to move on with your life before you start a divorce. It's not necessarily martyrdom to stay in a passionless marriage. But one thing's sure, having a wandering eye is not the solution.

Thanks nighbynight for your message. Anyway, one thing this thread has helped me with is to carry on thinking of making an effort rather than giving up because I DO have it in me to help my and dh get along better. Maybe it won't be the be all and end all but it can be better than it is today. Also, clearly dd's teacher is someone I hardly know so glad to have some sense knocked into me about that too.

Could you afford to have someone in to help you get on top of your house/organising/tidying etc for a big sort-out? It sounds like you really want to make an effort to get things back on track, and a helping hand is always a good idea!

Yes we kind of could afford it once a week. There used to be a very nice lady who used to come and I felt comfortable with her, but then she got another job. She has recommended a friend and I should go ahead and phone her. I suppose the thing about getting things back on track is that it takes quite a lot of energy and when you feel down it is difficult to summon it up. Anyway if I think of dh as part of my "day job" that still leaves me time to occasionally meet up with friends in the evening and do other things. Thanks again.

I know, when things are out of control it seems like such an uphill task, and however much energy you put into it it doesn't seem to advance very quickly!

Can you break everything down into manageable chunks and tick your list as you get things done so you can visualise what you have achieved, rather than just seeing what is left to go?

It is rather scary to come on here and post your innermost thoughts and rather unpleasant to be 'jumped on' for a comment that was taken in the wrong way. You are brave to say these things here.

I don't think anything is perfect- there are plus points and minus points for each choice. Does your husband know that it's over and that you are hanging in there for the stability? I have seen with friends that there is such a thing as a 'good divorce' - I think it's to do with being civil, and having good contact with the kids. I am a child of divorced parents and there's no denying it has changed me but the most terrible thing was that my dad lost contact. It certainly was better that he wasn't with my mum as they could pursue a better, happier more fulfilling life for themselves and consequently for me. I'd rather see them happy than miserable for my sake. But of course this is not the ideal route.

Otherwise, since you are not set on this path at all, why not try everything going to improve the existing relationship- and the one with yourself. He doesn't have to do anything- just work on yourself- you can go to therapy alone, you can read self-help books or start being interested in something else absorbing- there is a whole world out here on the internet to find something to be passionate about (I am having a sort of similar problem to you at the moment.- so full of advice not great on following it myself.. though I think I may start writing a blog or fanfiction if I get the courage.) Also, remember this too shall pass- things go in phases you may be feeling better about yourself again soon - it is so hard to make a marriage work. Good on you for trying.

Hi Mammapasta and Bonsoir - I don't know if my dh knows how down I feel at times, I suppose we are both involved with protecting ourselves and our position, plus he is not really an easy person to talk to about feelings etc... I suppose we both feel aggrieved, but in addition I think he is a difficult person which I don't consider myself to be (!!). Yes I will work on myself and the house and I was saying to myself that I am going to give it a year to see if things improve and to actively improve our life at home and my personal life. What I find difficult is when in the middle of trying to feel more positive, dh will come out with a very negative comment which I find really draining and which I then have to "recover from". He has a very negative and cynical side to his nature which has got worse with the money problems etc...
I hope things work out for you too mammapasta and let me know if you do set up the blog.

Arabella2 of course you are right and don't mind that offensive post from Macdoodle. You are making the best of your lot, which is not being a Martyr but just being practical and protective of your kids. A lot of people on this site go on about how if parents aren't totally happy together then that is a bad role model for kids. I think that's a justification for selfish self fulfilment. Fact of the matter is that as far as I can see a significant portion of couples are less than perfect together and often bloody disatified but they stick it out and work at it and it doesnt do the kids a bit of harm. Contrary to percieved wisdom kids wont be adversely appected just becuase their parents are not wildly in love. They will only suffer if there is blatant emotional or physical abuse or constant toxic arguing. Couples bumbling along together in a kind of vague discontent is pretty normal in real life and most kids survive that unscathed. Dont feel bad for staying, you are doing it for all the right reasons but for your own sake do try and salvage something of this marriage and make your husband go for counselling with you, you deserve to have some happiness and fulfillment in your marriage. You seem a bit apathetic about your situation, but at least you have recognised thatthere is a problem, now go and try and improve things.

If your DH is undermining you, you need to find ways of dealing with that in the short term by increasing your defences - you need to work on not letting his comments drain you so much, so that you retain your energy for productive things like getting your life in order and feeling better about yourself.

A counsellor could definitely help you with this.

You speak sense tiny

I do feel apathetic about the situation because to actually talk it through with dh would mean to have an almighty row as he is angry about a lot and quite an angry character in general. It is true, when in a bad mood he does undermine me with little negative comments here and there and he probably doesn't even realise the effect that they have. What makes it hard as well is that we don't really have any family in London apart from my sister who is kind but whom I can't lean on really as she has her own life and her own set of problems. I have been to counselling in the past but not since dd2 was born 3 and 3/4 years ago. I suppose what makes me feel sad is the thought of not being appreciated as a woman - as if my life is going to slip away without any more of that kind of attention or appreciation. Anyway thank you bonsoir and tinykins for your messages and I will see myself through this in manageable chunks. It doesn't help that it is dark winter and not even the thought of Christmas is cheering me up.

Just do whatever you can to get through the next couple of months anyway. I think that you would benefit from counselling on your own first, as that suport would give you the strength to approach your husband on the topic. Remember, you are not alone. You are looking after and out for your children, and by working on yourself, and then on your marriage you are doing the best by your kids. Try also to cultivate a good friend in RL , someone that you can offload to and trust. It really helps when things are not going well in a marriage to lean on your girl friends. And as a previous poster said, this too will pass. Things will change for you and you are right to take it one step at a time. I wish you well.