My mum

[FanjoForTheMankySocks]

i had a very hard time growing up as my mum would go into rages and call me the most hideous things, and say I was disgusting and noone liked me.

I see now that it was because she was stressed in herself, but it has affected my self-esteem.

Now we are going through a hard time as DD (3) is being diagnosed with ASD and she is doing it again.

Today DD was ill and my mum started screaming at me as she was stressed, and called me a "disgusting little b". When I questioned it she got incandescent with rage and shouted at me to "f off" saying I deserved it for how I speak to HER. I really thought she would hit me. This was in front of DD.

Anyway DD perked up and my mum acted like nothing had happened, but I felt shaken all day.

I can't address it with her as she will literally say I was asking for it. I can't stop seeing her as she looks after DD one afternoon a week while I work (DD loves her and we need the money)

Just don't know what to do. I almost don't want to ever see her again.

I am not worried she will shout at DD at the moment, she is always telling me that only DD's feelings matter and mine don't now.

Fanjo, don't let her look after your lo. She sounds very mean and the fact it meant nothing to her to speak to you like that shows that she has no remorse.
Find other arrangements for your lo and either write to her or find a way to express yourself to her making it clear it is unacceptable
Good luck, it must be awfulxxx

How horrible.

I wouldn't let her, but it would be so hard to settle DD into nursery with her ASD and she adores my mum, this is my dilemma really.

DH is ready to shout at her, but she genuinely probably does think it is my fault.

All i said this morning to incur the rage was that I didn't know if i could call into work sick at such short notice.

Your feelings certainly do matter, the child is your daughter, not hers.
Take control. Obviuosly you love your mum but you don't have to put up with this.

Thanks. it can't go on much longer, I know.

I think you need to try your best to find another childcare arrangement or find a way to get by without the money, as there is no way she should be talking to you like that at all, let alone in front of your DD. She may not be shouting at her but it is damaging for her to see you treated in that way. Your mum sounds like she has some serious problems.

Do you claim tax credits? You might get more help than you'd think towards nursery fees?

Lots of cross posts! If you really think your DD would be better off with your Mum than at nursery then I guess you need to work out strategies to deal with her. So, maybe when she starts going off on one, you calmly say "please don't talk to me like that" and either carry on saying it or just walk away.

There are lots of people on here who'll have experience of similar and strategies to share.

How horrible - it sounds like you feel like you're stuck between a rock and a hard place.

But please consider the impact that your mum's irrational outbursts, tone of voice and general behaviour towards you will have on your DD. Even though your mum's directing her anger at you, your DD's witnessing it and it's bound to affect her in some way. Even if that means that she starts to see that it's acceptable for your to be spoken to in that manner.

There must be another solution to your child care needs that will be healthier for your family?

If you're only working PT, and you only need your mum for one afternoon a week, couldn't you arrange with a friend to look after her and you'll look after her lo for an afternoon?

Just because she is not shouting at your daughter does not mean she is not damaging your LO by shouting at you in front of her.

You are exposing your daughter to your own abuse if you let this continue.

You poor thing. She has no right to talk to you like that, ever!

Yes, I agree it's not acceptable and things will have to change.

I can't really just swap DD's carer easily as she is autistic and so not easy to look after.

Fortunately, I just remembered that when DD starts nursery in January I won't actually see my mum as she is going to pick her up and bring her home by which time I will be at work.

I just hope she wouldn't shout at DD like that, but I don't think she would.

SO I will at least get some space from my mum and DD won't witness things.

DD might then start full-time nursery in September (school hours at state nursery, to benefit her ASD) anyway so I might be able to get a job during these hours and my mum wouldn't have her.

Don't worry though, i won't let DD suffer like I did.

Fanjo, I wouldn't be sure about her not treating your dd that way. ASD can be difficult to deal with and it doesn't sound like your mum is a patient woman.

Did you ever tell anyone about what she said to you when you were growing up?

Can you be certain your dd wouldn't just withdraw rather than tell you what's going on?

I know transition can be difficult for children with ASD but with a lot of support and stability then a change can be made with a minimum of stress.

I just hate the idea of you or your daughter suffering at the hands of someone who can't even take responsibility for the emotional abuse they are dishing out.

I will certainly have to think about what to do.

At the moment DD is 3 but like a younger baby so i don't think she will feel my mum's wrath but i obviously can't guarantee it in future.

I told some people once what she said and strangely have felt guilty every since for telling them!!!

You poor thing. You know that none of what she said to you was true? That it says more about what she is, than what you are?

It's time for you to put yourself and your dd first.

Just make sure you protect yourself - let your dh stand up for you (gently), you are worth it!

Fanjo,

Your Mother may well have been stressed in herself when you were small but it still does not and never did give her carte blanche to treat you abusively as a child and now as an adult. I would call what happened to you as a child emotional abuse. That says an awful lot about her as a woman. You became her scapegoat for her ills, there is often a "golden child" and a "scapegoat" figure in dysfunctional family units. That is still no justification for how she behaves and she may well have some sort of personality disorder. I am not at all surprised to see therefore that its affected your self esteem.

Where's your Dad, I only ask as you have not mentioned him at all?.

You are not responsible for her actions, you did not make her that way.

You would not tolerate this treatment from a friend so why is she any different?. If you have never read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward I would suggest you do so as a starting point. You will need to redefine your boundaries between you and your Mother.

Is she quite plausible to people outside the family, this may be why you felt "guilty" when you told others what she said.

Toxic people like your Mother can well bewcome toxic grandparents as well; these problems can also become generational in nature. I would seriously consider limiting all direct face to face contact with your Mum. I would also leave your DD one afternoon with someone other than your Mother to care for her. I realise your DD is autistic, this is even more reason to my mind to find alternate care. You do not have to put up with this.

Put you and your DD first.

On a different subject I would seriously consider applying for a Statement from your LEA (local education authority) for your DD. That can be applied for in nursery. If she goes into school with a Statement it could go some way to ensure her educational needs are fully met. If you have not already applied for DLA as well do so asap.

Thanks YKNOTC

Attila - I have never met my dad.

I will definitely get a copy of that book!

DD is getting support in place for nursery, we are in Scotland so it's slightly different but she is going to have support.

Have just been awarded DLA too.

I also leave DD with my auntie once a week, who is definitely lovely to DD but also gives ME a hard time, she told me that I don't do enough to make DD "normal" and also when I said I was hurt she said my feelings "didnt matter" It's all very strange. They seem to love small children then hate you when you are older.

Fanjo

Do read "Toxic Parents" - it is a good starting point.

You may also want to read "When you and your Mother cannot be friends" (cannot recall the author but Amazon would certainly have the title).

Thanks for clarification re your Dad. Again I only asked as you did not mention him.

Your aunt knows nothing at all about ASD if she is making such crass comments. I would be very wary of both this lady (I presume this aunt is your Mum's sister) and your Mother. They may well love small children because as small children they are easier to control. It is only when they are older and the child now teen answer back such people feel threatened. This is because they are losing their control over the other person.

Your feelings DO BLOODY MATTER!!!!. Pay no heed to your aunt's poisonous words.

Good on you as well to get DLA for your DD - I mention that too as not everyone knows of that particular allowance.

Fanjo, as hard as it might be to settle DD into nursery, for the sake of your own sanity and for the future development of your DD, you HAVE to put some serious distance between your mum and anyone to do with her.

Of course your DD adores your mum and your Aunty, but that's cos she possibly hasn't worked out what the vile way you are being spoken to by these people is all about.

You are doing a fabuous job of raising your DD INSPITE of your family... just imagine what you could achieve if they were at a safe distance?

Seriously, they are no good for you, or anyone else. Behaviour like that is so far from normal it's scary...you DO know that don't you?

Wishing you all the very best for you and your DD.

I agree with everything on here that has been said.
My mum is not quite as darstic in the language she uses as your mother but the general sentiment is not far off the mark.

One thing also occured to me about your dd and afternoon childcare too, I can 100% understand your rationale behind not changing things for your dd but how much harder and petentially more dmaging could it be if further down the line your mum did talk to your dd like that and you had to go through the process of sorting something else out.
Where in Scotland are you?

I am in Edinburgh.

I just got home and was stressed as DD won;t take her medicine and DH shouted at me too and called me unmentionables.

Just what I needed.

Sounds like Not Fun all round. You & your husband need to be a team, otherwise your mum's successful in her unwitting divide & conquer and she WILL win the 'but I'm the queen bee' battle!

Hope your evening gets better. hugs

I don't actually want to talk to him either, tbh i suspect he has traits of my mum. I have had it with all of them.

DD is also now not taking her meds.

Aargh.

Once she is asleep am off to bed, will be my own team with DD. Thanks for the hugs

Hope today is a better one for you Fanjo

The last thing you need is your DH treating you badly too.

You are valuable. You are worthwhile. You have a right to feel however you are feeling.

I get the feeling you need to be told these things more often. So make sure you tell yourself. I often have to remind myself not to just look after everyone else's feelings, but to look at my own too (doesn't come naturally to me, I automatically assume other people's are more important). The better you look after your own, the better able you are to support those around you too.

Honest