My mum

[FanjoForTheMankySocks]

i had a very hard time growing up as my mum would go into rages and call me the most hideous things, and say I was disgusting and noone liked me.

I see now that it was because she was stressed in herself, but it has affected my self-esteem.

Now we are going through a hard time as DD (3) is being diagnosed with ASD and she is doing it again.

Today DD was ill and my mum started screaming at me as she was stressed, and called me a "disgusting little b". When I questioned it she got incandescent with rage and shouted at me to "f off" saying I deserved it for how I speak to HER. I really thought she would hit me. This was in front of DD.

Anyway DD perked up and my mum acted like nothing had happened, but I felt shaken all day.

I can't address it with her as she will literally say I was asking for it. I can't stop seeing her as she looks after DD one afternoon a week while I work (DD loves her and we need the money)

Just don't know what to do. I almost don't want to ever see her again.

Thanks.

You are great!

We should start a Mutual Appreciation Society for Tackling Under-appreciated Relatives who Behave Altruistically Towards Egomaniacs.

But I'm a bit worried about the acronym

Sorry, I know you need the money, and DD loves you mum - but someone who treats you like that could easily treat DD like that too - even if you don't see it initially. She can't be trusted. You need to take control. Do you have a friend who could look after DD for that afternoon?

I think the cost could be so much more of allowing this woman to look after your child than the money iyswim. And by DD seeing her talk to you the way she does, you are teaching yoru child that you do not deserve respect - not true.

And for yourself, once you have removed that dependancy on your mum, you MUST tell your mum that you will not accept her speaking to you like that. If she walks away, then that is her choice, and a choice that you need to accept.

Thanks. I don't have a friend who could look after DD.

DD might go to nursery full time soon, I am considering it, or I might just leave work as it's all getting a bit much!!

I told my mum it was out of order and she has been mightily sheepish since so I hope perhaps a tiny bit of it has got through. She would NEVER say sorry though.

I also told my auntie that I was a grown, indeed middle-aged woman and a fully developed person now, so why was she always trying to criticise and change me, why not accept me the way I am, now she is not having to bring me up. It actually got through to her..for about two hours.

fango please get some other childcare for your dd. my dd has suspected asd/gdd, she attends nursery and has a support teacher who is with her all the time. her teacher is kind and caring toward her and she has thrived in the nursery.
i thought at first nursery would be too much for her too cope with , but her behaviour is much improved, she sleeps better, she eats better and she has started talking , and now tolerates new experiences much better than before.
You wrote in a previous post that your dd was refusing to take her medicine, this was after you picked her up from your mums?
I think your dd might be trying to show you her distress in this way.She saw how your mum treats you, and as she is asd this will be more distressing for her .
I know your mums apoligised but i would not trust her to care for a child with communication difficulties , your dd will not be able to tell you everything, so she would be an easy target for similar abuse you have suffered.

as for money - have you thought of applying for DLA ? my dd doesnt have a formal dx but still gets high rate because of her extra needs... if you are awarded dla, phone tax credits because you may qualify for a little extra from them on top too.

Have just been awarded DLA, don't think we will get more tax credits though.

It's not just losing the money, I really like my job and would find it hard to leave.

I do get what you are saying though, I have a lot to think about now.

Fanjo would you get tax credits to cover the childcare? It would certainly be worth looking into. What drlove says about not taking her medicine being a silent protest could well be true.

And as for your aunt, keep telling her!

My mother (who is lovely) has a habit of constantly pointing out what could go wrong with everything. This reinforces my negativity and used to mean that I'd decide not to do something after talking to her. I told her this and she was shocked that she had had a negative affect on me; but the next time I discussed something with her it was the same old, "Have you thought about how this could go wrong?". But instead of just taking it I pointed it out. Everytime she is casually negative about me or something I want to do I point it out and joke about it in a "We're all doomed!" way.

She's doing it less and less, not because she's changed but because I won't accept the negativity from her.

And she really is lovely so I know it's not really comparable, but it was something that had undermined my confidence for years.

Keep standing up for your right to feel!

Imagine me standing behind you with a placard reading, "Go Fanjo!" ( or something to that effect )

('Tis Christmassy Crunch here BTW)

I wouldnt get tax credits, no.

My auntie really upset me today, so i was in tears. I then said I was sick of everyone taking things out on me and I was not going to take it any more. She seemed shaken and when I returned she was SO much nicer to me.

My mum has also been ultra nice since the "incident". It probably won't last but I hope it's a step in the right direction!

You poor thing Fanjo, you are really going through it at the moment aren't you!

Nobody should talk to you like that, whether they are stressed or not, it is still wrong. Would you talk to someone like that even if you were stressed?

It will have a bad effect on your DD to witness your mum talking to you like that and will teach her that talking to people that way is ok! Or that just 'taking it' like you do is the thing to do! And you wouldn't want someone to talk to your DD like that and for her to just take it would you! Or for your DD to treat people like that herself.

You can't be sure at all that your mum wouldn't talk to your DD the way she talks to you.

I strongly agree with the others that you should find alternative childcare. A nursery would be much better, with staff who are trained in how to look after children, children when they are being difficult, children with ADSD etc. Much better than an unstable woman like your mum who could fly into a rage easily. What makes you think she will change her pattern of parenting from the way she was when you were a child?

Your mum doesn't deserve you and I wouldn't blame you one bit if you said I am not going to have contact with you if you talk to me in an abusive way.

Well done Fanjo! I know it's hard at first, but the more you put your foot down and say "I will not be treated like that!" the less they will do it.

It's a fantastic start.

But I still think you should get someone else to watch dd.

Are you sure about Tax Credits? The additional childcare bit? Or can you get vouchers?

It would be worth talking to CAB to see if there is anything that they can suggest. You need someone entirely stable to look after your dd.

Not read all of the thread fanjo just your opening post.
In the last 3 years I have suffered from a lot of stress including a nervous breakdown when I was pregnant.
In that time I never abused my DP, my DSD or my DD because I was stressed or any other "reason".
If my mother called me a "disgusting little b"in front of my DD, it would probably be the last time she saw me or my DD.
Seriously...

I appreciate what you are saying. However it is not that simple when it actually HAPPENS, sadly.

I personally wouldn't find it a massive thing if my mum didn't know who my dad was, as I don't tend to judge women by how many people they have slept with.

oops, wrong thread

again!

lol Fango! . have you actually phoned the tax credit people to tell them you get dla for dd? they have an extra tax credit for dla recievers , how much you get depends on your rate of dla - it is an extra on top of the standard tax credits you would recive for dd.phone them first thing monday if you havent done so already.

i did the questionaire on their site, we would receive more but our income negates it so we won't get anything.